MOST GLORIOUS EL BEISBOL CARDINALS (and some NFL thing) Open Thread

That’s right, kids- Uncle Scotchy is…indisposed for the evening. Some people just can’t hold their chloroform.

WHICH MEANS that Ol’ Reverend Mayhem is driving the train tonight, and he’s all hopped up on the Halloween candy Dr. Mrs. Mayhem bought and tried to stash away. CAN’T HIDE THE REESE’S FROM ME, WOMAN! NO POWER IN THE ‘VERSE CAN STOP ME!

What does this mean for you, gentle readers? Not much- just a slight change in normal programming.

 

PREPARE YOUR ANUS

 

Oh it’s prepared….

 

THAT’S RIGHT BITCHES IT’S GO TIME! THE GLORIOUS EL BEISBOL CARDINALS ARE GONNA FUCK SOME SHIT UP IN THE NATION’S CAPITAL TONIGHT!

That’s right. It’s Dirt Football at it’s finest. “But Rev, didn’t St. Louis absolutely shit the bed in the first two games despite having home field advantage?” YES, but they’re just backing up to make the inevitable victory over the Not-Good-Enough-For-Montreal ExExpos. We’ve shitcanned them before in the playoffs multiple times when they had demonstrably better teams. And these aren’t the same old hateable Play the Right Way Cardinals. In case you missed manager Mike Shildt’s postgame rant after flushing Atlanta:

“The [Braves] started some shit. We finished the shit. And that’s how we roll. No one fucks with us ever. Now, I don’t give a fuck who we play. We’re gonna fuck them up. We’re gonna take it right to them the whole fucking way. We’re gonna kick their fucking ass.”

Ladies and gentlemen, that is the kind of coach we here at DFO can– nay must– embrace as one of our own. Hell, add in some references to pussytubing and it’s basically a Rex Ryan speech. Don’t deny what your heart tells you. Give in to Cardinal Love.

Cardinal Cream: Drink It Up

For those of you unable to handle all the Hot Buttered Baseball Action, there’s also some sort of NFL game on tonight.  It’s the Packers and the Lions at the House That Lard Built. The heavy betting looks to be on Green Bay, who at 4-1 with a truly legit defense looks to win out on a cool and potentially rainy night in Wisconsin.  The Lions, as you may recall from my previous insane and occasionally drunken rants, are a deeply weird team in search of an identity. They’re 2-1-1 coming off a bye, and are likely missing both elements of A’Shawn/Da’Shawn and possibly Darius Slay. Not good when Green Bay finally has a running game, even if Davante Adams’ absence may limit the passing game.

Weirdly, the lines I’m seeing are Packers -3.5, which factoring in the normal 3 spotted a home team means these two teams are viewed as much more even than they appear. Note that this is directly in line with my Revised Prophecy that the Lions will tie 5 more games this season. I advise you to place an irresponsibly large wager on “tie”. The Church will expect you to tithe your winnings.

Not much in the way of Footy News today beyond yesterday’s goings-on.  The Shitty Clippers’ players are salty as fuck that some clever media person at “their” stadium started playing “Renegade” by Styx in the 4th quarter of last night’s nationally-televised depantsing. Apparently this is the Steelers’ “fight” song? Anyway, the idea was apparently to “Rick Roll” it, but the Pittsburgh-refugee majority decided to take it upon themselves to just sing it. Lessons: 1. never let a 45 year-old middle management guy try to do something clever involving a 12 year old meme; 2. if you’re getting beat to shit by a third-string rookie QB nicknamed “Duck”, maybe concentrate on something other than what the stadium’s PA system is doing.

Also, Styx sucks. Paul DeJong > Dennis DeYoung

PREDICTION:

GLORIOUS VICTORY FOR LOS BIRDOS!

Also, a 27-27 tie in Green Bay.

Enjoy, you filthy heathens.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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Gatoraids

Graham just trying to dribble

jjfozz

We picked out a new sectional couch this weekend – I’ll be lolling around on it by November

Brocky

Does it recline?

jjfozz

Nope, we figured why spend the money when the boys would break them in about a week.

jjfozz

Do the tears of Packers fans smell like bratwurst juice or spoiled lard?

Brocky

Criscoe.

Or is that the colts

Gatoraids

Rancid cottage cheese

hippofant

How many spanks do you think Aaron Jones is getting from Rodgers tonight for that?

jjfozz

He’s in pretty good shape so not sure if he needs these: https://www.spanx.com/shapewear?gclsrc=aw.ds&?camp=kw=AgencyWithin_Brand_Shapewear_Exact&s_kwcid=AL!8004!3!347759542684!e!!g!!spanx%20girdles&gclid=Cj0KCQjwuZDtBRDvARIsAPXFx3Cw63Ee7ZBRgPtzlsStkJu4ZpjhVRNeJ5SquwkSZ-ZRBUPv4PYP750aAhAxEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

I’m starting to think Aaron Jones might not be living up to his hype.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

My acid reflux is more interesting to me than watching football tonight

King Hippo

BLEERGH started slow, but finding His footing. PRAISE BE!!

herodotus450

What’s the German word , with no proper English translation, for “turning on the furnace for the first time this season and hoping it turns on and then that wierd burning smell comes through and not sure if that’s good or bad”?

jjfozz

Burningstunken

blaxabbath

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’M GOING TO MURDER PEOPLE BY CONSTELLATIONS

Thank you for coming to my Ted Cruz talk

jjfozz

Oh look, Hollywood is about to royally fuck up a movie about another piece of American history. This is the only Midway worth watching: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midway_(1976_film)

Brick Meathook

This new one looks terrible.

jjfozz

I’m sorry, Woody Harrelson as a commander in the military? Nope.

Senor Weaselo

He was just there to talk about Rampart!

hippofant

I liked the part with the captain (?) asking the pilots if they want to fly.

What the FUCK else are they doing on an aircraft carrier? Where the fuck do they think they’re going?

hippofant

“Hey, do you guys want to shoot at the enemy or be fucking dead weight?”
“FUCKING DEAD WEIGHT, SIR!”

jjfozz

I’m wondering if that was a scene involving the Doolittle raid. The planes in the background look like Mitchells

hippofant

I’m not sure if that’d be stupider or not. I guess that would be a voluntary mission at least… but they’re ALREADY ON THE FUCKING CARRIER. Who’s the dumbfuck who volunteered for this mission, trained on how to launch a B-25 off an aircraft carrier, embarked on the carrier, rode it for weeks out into the middle of the Pacific, and then goes, “WAIT WAIT WAIT!”

Gratliff

Second week in a row walking into a buzzsaw in fantasy really reminding me why I stopped for 2 years

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Mike Pettine looks like he got punched in the nose for giving a Nazi salute.

jjfozz

THESE PACKER FANS, I CALL THEM ENRON INVESTORS, BECAUSE THEY ALL OWN STOCK THAT IS RAPIDLY DECREASING IN VALUE

Gratliff

Jesus, the Eagles actually cut Zach Brown. We can’t really expect that Kirk Cousins doing a good is because Brown called him bad, can we?

ballsofsteelandfury

Whenever I hear anyone talking about Bellichick’s genius or his coaching tree, I think about this quote from the 90s movie, Go:

“You know what wakes me up in the middle of the night covered in a cold sweat? Knowing that you aren’t any worse than anyone else in your whole screwed up generation. In the old days, you know how you got to the top? Huh? By being better than the guy ahead of you. How do you people get to the top? By being so fucking incompetent, that the guy ahead of you can’t do his job, so he falls on his ass and congratulations, you are now on top. And now the top is down here, it used to be up here… and you don’t even know the fucking difference.”

ballsofsteelandfury

If it wasn’t clear, I’m saying the Patriots are awesome because everyone else is incompetent.

Gratliff

Or, hear me out, Packers…Actually Bad?

blaxabbath

Are they keeping Goliday in check, please?

jjfozz

“Oh honey look, our Mirror just got here!”

“OH MY GOD WHY IS JJ FOZZ CHAINSAWING THROUGH OUR DOOR AND HOLDING A VINTAGE .50 CALIBER MACHINE GUN?”

jjfozz

Is anyone seeing this Candid commercial about teeth straightening?

Good CHRIST the guy being featured if one fucking ugly fucker.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

I am positive beyond a shadow of a doubt that Booger has studied every episode of Bob the Builder.

King Hippo

holy cats y’all – the Fuck Liouns are gonna win the NFC North

Brocky

Also, forgot this earlier..

Going for it on 4th and goal when you have the lead? Belichik coaching tree at work!

herodotus450

MNF vs. Playoff basedball, it’s like watching a race between a tortoise and Terry Fox to see which will end first.

Dunstan

Too soon.

Gatoraids

Spent more on this bob the builder bumper than the fins roster

ballsofsteelandfury

What about the boob builder?

Gatoraids

I did tailgate yesterday near the bang Bros van. Mah wiiiiife thought they were a morning radio show.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s great that they tailgate!

Fronkenshteen

Deeeee Ceeeeeee!!!!
comment image

Gratliff

Detroit…Actually Good?

Brocky

Good one!

WCS

They’ll lose on a walk-off safety.

jjfozz

Just finished a book about Joy Division by their bass player. Suicide is the fucking worst.

King Hippo

Get ‘ooky’s other two tomes as well, you won’t be disappointed

jjfozz

I have the one about the club he owned, haven’t dug in yet.

ballsofsteelandfury

Peter Hook’s book?

I heard it’s pretty good.

jjfozz

Yes, it’s really well written and amazing how they actually came together as a band. Never knew that much about the Manchester scene.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Now now, it’s not always that bad.” – anyone who was worried that Jeffrey Epstein was about to expose them

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, one cool thing about rugby is that fat guy touchdowns happen ALL THE TIME.

Unsurprised

I regret not playing when I had the chance. I wonder if there are over-40 fun leagues. The only guy I know who played through his 50s for fun looks like Balls with a total lack of will to live.

ballsofsteelandfury

Wait, seriously? My height and weight?

That dude MUST have a death wish!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

One of the major problems with rugby, though, is that there’s no “halfway” version like flag football. And touch rugby is pretty weak.

Unsurprised

Chances are I’ll die young. On the field beats anywhere else I’d find myself.

King Hippo

but their rarity is what makes ’em so GREAT! In rugby, you’d need a guy like that MexiNerd UGA kicker to get a TD

jjfozz

My department is in charge of the Halloween party. I fucking hate dressing up in a costume. I’m 50 for the love of John Madden. I might get one of those green body suits and stuff a cantaloupe in the crotch region

Gatoraids

My work place banned any clown makeup or costumes this year. So no dolphins uniforms.

King Hippo

Hang a wrench on a shoestring around yourself, tell everyone “I’m a tool”

Unsurprised

Pats hoodie and MS Surface. Go as the Dark Lord himself.

Unsurprised

Dress in all brown. Go as Art Modell

rockingdog

Hung Greenman

rockingdog

found a funny:comment image

Unsurprised

Burdened by dead weight in any sort of combat?

WCS

Coming soon to the NFL: Is it A Rushing Touchdown?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Okay, so Japan beat Scotland in rugby and ended up winning their freaking group, which is the first time an Asian nation has made it to the quarterfinals of the World Cup. You should all get up at 3 a.m. this weekend to watch them play against South Africa.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ekEId2B84E

jjfozz

“We really rike rugby!” I can say that, I know a bunch of Japanese people.

King Hippo

one thinks maybe the advantage of having a fat fuck QB, would be ability to sneak it from 4 inches out (sorry for the trigger, Brittfar)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fuck the St Louis Cardinals, fuck Green Bay, fuck whomever else makes sense in series. The GOP, I guess?

Gratliff

This is going to be an extremely Lions game

jjfozz

If next year a popular player’s wife recovers from cancer in time to be celebrated during October, I’m going to think Jerry Jones has a hand in it…

jjfozz

Goddamn Kelly Stafford got teeth like Stonehenge

jjfozz

Browns living up to my preseason expectations: they’ll still Brown, they’ll still suck, and OBJ will lose his mind by week 8.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This comment doesn’t count as a bye week update

hippofant

A massive gain from a flea-flicker and then 3 derp-ass plays.

LET’S GO LIONS

Sharkbait

Early Trickery!

rockingdog

tricky tricky trickeeeeeeeee

jjfozz

Middle Fozz Spawn’s football team playing in M&T Bank Stadium tomorrow night. Fuuuuuck yeah.

Sharkbait

Will they sell booze?

jjfozz

Not sure. I’m the special teams coach, so I’ll be on the field, but I’m planning on drinking in the locker room pregame

WCS

Bobby Knight cowers in fear of Fozz’s halftime “speeches.”

Sharkbait

Sup bitches

rockingdog

yo

rockingdog
Unsurprised

I still wish someone uploaded that file I made from the HOF game

Don T

Yadiel foreveL WOOOO! Oh, what a banner. The profanity sealed it: I’m making a significant* donation to a religious charity.**

* $2.89
** Frito Lay

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Sour cream and onion?

Don T

Pork
comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s Sabritas to us Mexicans.

rockingdog
rockingdog

suzy kolberrrrrrr
we are not worthy!!!!!!!

King Hippo

Made some white rice for dinner, as I ease back into food avoidance.

And WAY TO GO JACK!!!

rockingdog

LOLcomment image

WCS
King Hippo

oh yeah, Happy Eye-Tie Christmas, Fozz!!!

King Hippo

We need to start fucking these fuckers the fuck up. And right fucking soon.

King Hippo

B-F-I-B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Loving the Fredbird GIF. I dunno why everybody else in el beisbol has to be soooooo jelly.

/why the FUCK won’t we start a real CF

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I see Andy Green is now coaching for the Cardinals.

King Hippo

This is ace-on-ace, start your best DEFENSIVE players, save the bat only chucklefucks to pinch hit. It really is baffling. My condolences for suffering through similar with Dirt BOLTMEN!!!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I love you Hippo, but comparing #BFIB “suffering” to Dirt BOLTMEN suffering is not even close. The word that came to mind was “interplanetary.”

King Hippo

but we ARE DESTINED to succeed. Otherwise, who will show the chill’uns how to do things The Right Way??

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