That’s right, kids- Uncle Scotchy is…indisposed for the evening. Some people just can’t hold their chloroform.
WHICH MEANS that Ol’ Reverend Mayhem is driving the train tonight, and he’s all hopped up on the Halloween candy Dr. Mrs. Mayhem bought and tried to stash away. CAN’T HIDE THE REESE’S FROM ME, WOMAN! NO POWER IN THE ‘VERSE CAN STOP ME!
What does this mean for you, gentle readers? Not much- just a slight change in normal programming.
THAT’S RIGHT BITCHES IT’S GO TIME! THE GLORIOUS EL BEISBOL CARDINALS ARE GONNA FUCK SOME SHIT UP IN THE NATION’S CAPITAL TONIGHT!
That’s right. It’s Dirt Football at it’s finest. “But Rev, didn’t St. Louis absolutely shit the bed in the first two games despite having home field advantage?” YES, but they’re just backing up to make the inevitable victory over the Not-Good-Enough-For-Montreal ExExpos. We’ve shitcanned them before in the playoffs multiple times when they had demonstrably better teams. And these aren’t the same old hateable Play the Right Way Cardinals. In case you missed manager Mike Shildt’s postgame rant after flushing Atlanta:
“The [Braves] started some shit. We finished the shit. And that’s how we roll. No one fucks with us ever. Now, I don’t give a fuck who we play. We’re gonna fuck them up. We’re gonna take it right to them the whole fucking way. We’re gonna kick their fucking ass.”
Ladies and gentlemen, that is the kind of coach we here at DFO can– nay must– embrace as one of our own. Hell, add in some references to pussytubing and it’s basically a Rex Ryan speech. Don’t deny what your heart tells you. Give in to Cardinal Love.
For those of you unable to handle all the Hot Buttered Baseball Action, there’s also some sort of NFL game on tonight. It’s the Packers and the Lions at the House That Lard Built. The heavy betting looks to be on Green Bay, who at 4-1 with a truly legit defense looks to win out on a cool and potentially rainy night in Wisconsin. The Lions, as you may recall from my previous insane and occasionally drunken rants, are a deeply weird team in search of an identity. They’re 2-1-1 coming off a bye, and are likely missing both elements of A’Shawn/Da’Shawn and possibly Darius Slay. Not good when Green Bay finally has a running game, even if Davante Adams’ absence may limit the passing game.
Weirdly, the lines I’m seeing are Packers -3.5, which factoring in the normal 3 spotted a home team means these two teams are viewed as much more even than they appear. Note that this is directly in line with my Revised Prophecy that the Lions will tie 5 more games this season. I advise you to place an irresponsibly large wager on “tie”. The Church will expect you to tithe your winnings.
Not much in the way of Footy News today beyond yesterday’s goings-on. The Shitty Clippers’ players are salty as fuck that some clever media person at “their” stadium started playing “Renegade” by Styx in the 4th quarter of last night’s nationally-televised depantsing. Apparently this is the Steelers’ “fight” song? Anyway, the idea was apparently to “Rick Roll” it, but the Pittsburgh-refugee majority decided to take it upon themselves to just sing it. Lessons: 1. never let a 45 year-old middle management guy try to do something clever involving a 12 year old meme; 2. if you’re getting beat to shit by a third-string rookie QB nicknamed “Duck”, maybe concentrate on something other than what the stadium’s PA system is doing.
Also, Styx sucks. Paul DeJong > Dennis DeYoung
PREDICTION:
GLORIOUS VICTORY FOR LOS BIRDOS!
Also, a 27-27 tie in Green Bay.
Enjoy, you filthy heathens.
Graham just trying to dribble
We picked out a new sectional couch this weekend – I’ll be lolling around on it by November
Does it recline?
Nope, we figured why spend the money when the boys would break them in about a week.
Do the tears of Packers fans smell like bratwurst juice or spoiled lard?
Criscoe.
Or is that the colts
Rancid cottage cheese
How many spanks do you think Aaron Jones is getting from Rodgers tonight for that?
He’s in pretty good shape so not sure if he needs these: https://www.spanx.com/shapewear?gclsrc=aw.ds&?camp=kw=AgencyWithin_Brand_Shapewear_Exact&s_kwcid=AL!8004!3!347759542684!e!!g!!spanx%20girdles&gclid=Cj0KCQjwuZDtBRDvARIsAPXFx3Cw63Ee7ZBRgPtzlsStkJu4ZpjhVRNeJ5SquwkSZ-ZRBUPv4PYP750aAhAxEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
I’m starting to think Aaron Jones might not be living up to his hype.
My acid reflux is more interesting to me than watching football tonight
BLEERGH started slow, but finding His footing. PRAISE BE!!
What’s the German word , with no proper English translation, for “turning on the furnace for the first time this season and hoping it turns on and then that wierd burning smell comes through and not sure if that’s good or bad”?
Burningstunken
I’M GOING TO MURDER PEOPLE BY CONSTELLATIONS
Thank you for coming to my Ted Cruz talk
Oh look, Hollywood is about to royally fuck up a movie about another piece of American history. This is the only Midway worth watching: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midway_(1976_film)
This new one looks terrible.
I’m sorry, Woody Harrelson as a commander in the military? Nope.
He was just there to talk about Rampart!
I liked the part with the captain (?) asking the pilots if they want to fly.
What the FUCK else are they doing on an aircraft carrier? Where the fuck do they think they’re going?
“Hey, do you guys want to shoot at the enemy or be fucking dead weight?”
“FUCKING DEAD WEIGHT, SIR!”
I’m wondering if that was a scene involving the Doolittle raid. The planes in the background look like Mitchells
I’m not sure if that’d be stupider or not. I guess that would be a voluntary mission at least… but they’re ALREADY ON THE FUCKING CARRIER. Who’s the dumbfuck who volunteered for this mission, trained on how to launch a B-25 off an aircraft carrier, embarked on the carrier, rode it for weeks out into the middle of the Pacific, and then goes, “WAIT WAIT WAIT!”
Second week in a row walking into a buzzsaw in fantasy really reminding me why I stopped for 2 years
Mike Pettine looks like he got punched in the nose for giving a Nazi salute.
THESE PACKER FANS, I CALL THEM ENRON INVESTORS, BECAUSE THEY ALL OWN STOCK THAT IS RAPIDLY DECREASING IN VALUE
Jesus, the Eagles actually cut Zach Brown. We can’t really expect that Kirk Cousins doing a good is because Brown called him bad, can we?
Whenever I hear anyone talking about Bellichick’s genius or his coaching tree, I think about this quote from the 90s movie, Go:
“You know what wakes me up in the middle of the night covered in a cold sweat? Knowing that you aren’t any worse than anyone else in your whole screwed up generation. In the old days, you know how you got to the top? Huh? By being better than the guy ahead of you. How do you people get to the top? By being so fucking incompetent, that the guy ahead of you can’t do his job, so he falls on his ass and congratulations, you are now on top. And now the top is down here, it used to be up here… and you don’t even know the fucking difference.”
If it wasn’t clear, I’m saying the Patriots are awesome because everyone else is incompetent.
Related:
https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_5d9fb1c9e4b06ddfc516e076
Or, hear me out, Packers…Actually Bad?
Are they keeping Goliday in check, please?
“Oh honey look, our Mirror just got here!”
“OH MY GOD WHY IS JJ FOZZ CHAINSAWING THROUGH OUR DOOR AND HOLDING A VINTAGE .50 CALIBER MACHINE GUN?”
Is anyone seeing this Candid commercial about teeth straightening?
Good CHRIST the guy being featured if one fucking ugly fucker.
I am positive beyond a shadow of a doubt that Booger has studied every episode of Bob the Builder.
holy cats y’all – the Fuck Liouns are gonna win the NFC North
Also, forgot this earlier..
Going for it on 4th and goal when you have the lead? Belichik coaching tree at work!
MNF vs. Playoff basedball, it’s like watching a race between a tortoise and Terry Fox to see which will end first.
Too soon.
Spent more on this bob the builder bumper than the fins roster
What about the boob builder?
I did tailgate yesterday near the bang Bros van. Mah wiiiiife thought they were a morning radio show.
That’s great that they tailgate!
Deeeee Ceeeeeee!!!!
Detroit…Actually Good?
Good one!
They’ll lose on a walk-off safety.
Just finished a book about Joy Division by their bass player. Suicide is the fucking worst.
Get ‘ooky’s other two tomes as well, you won’t be disappointed
I have the one about the club he owned, haven’t dug in yet.
Peter Hook’s book?
I heard it’s pretty good.
Yes, it’s really well written and amazing how they actually came together as a band. Never knew that much about the Manchester scene.
“Now now, it’s not always that bad.” – anyone who was worried that Jeffrey Epstein was about to expose them
Oh, one cool thing about rugby is that fat guy touchdowns happen ALL THE TIME.
I regret not playing when I had the chance. I wonder if there are over-40 fun leagues. The only guy I know who played through his 50s for fun looks like Balls with a total lack of will to live.
Wait, seriously? My height and weight?
That dude MUST have a death wish!
One of the major problems with rugby, though, is that there’s no “halfway” version like flag football. And touch rugby is pretty weak.
Chances are I’ll die young. On the field beats anywhere else I’d find myself.
but their rarity is what makes ’em so GREAT! In rugby, you’d need a guy like that MexiNerd UGA kicker to get a TD
My department is in charge of the Halloween party. I fucking hate dressing up in a costume. I’m 50 for the love of John Madden. I might get one of those green body suits and stuff a cantaloupe in the crotch region
My work place banned any clown makeup or costumes this year. So no dolphins uniforms.
Hang a wrench on a shoestring around yourself, tell everyone “I’m a tool”
Pats hoodie and MS Surface. Go as the Dark Lord himself.
Dress in all brown. Go as Art Modell
Hung Greenman
found a funny:
Burdened by dead weight in any sort of combat?
Coming soon to the NFL: Is it A Rushing Touchdown?
Okay, so Japan beat Scotland in rugby and ended up winning their freaking group, which is the first time an Asian nation has made it to the quarterfinals of the World Cup. You should all get up at 3 a.m. this weekend to watch them play against South Africa.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ekEId2B84E
“We really rike rugby!” I can say that, I know a bunch of Japanese people.
one thinks maybe the advantage of having a fat fuck QB, would be ability to sneak it from 4 inches out (sorry for the trigger, Brittfar)
Fuck the St Louis Cardinals, fuck Green Bay, fuck whomever else makes sense in series. The GOP, I guess?
This is going to be an extremely Lions game
If next year a popular player’s wife recovers from cancer in time to be celebrated during October, I’m going to think Jerry Jones has a hand in it…
Goddamn Kelly Stafford got teeth like Stonehenge
Browns living up to my preseason expectations: they’ll still Brown, they’ll still suck, and OBJ will lose his mind by week 8.
This comment doesn’t count as a bye week update
A massive gain from a flea-flicker and then 3 derp-ass plays.
LET’S GO LIONS
Early Trickery!
tricky tricky trickeeeeeeeee
Middle Fozz Spawn’s football team playing in M&T Bank Stadium tomorrow night. Fuuuuuck yeah.
Will they sell booze?
Not sure. I’m the special teams coach, so I’ll be on the field, but I’m planning on drinking in the locker room pregame
Bobby Knight cowers in fear of Fozz’s halftime “speeches.”
Sup bitches
yo
https://twitter.com/i/status/1182450936049995776
I still wish someone uploaded that file I made from the HOF game
Yadiel foreveL WOOOO! Oh, what a banner. The profanity sealed it: I’m making a significant* donation to a religious charity.**
* $2.89
** Frito Lay
Sour cream and onion?
Pork
That’s Sabritas to us Mexicans.
https://twitter.com/Offparoletx/status/1141775118089302016
suzy kolberrrrrrr
we are not worthy!!!!!!!
Made some white rice for dinner, as I ease back into food avoidance.
And WAY TO GO JACK!!!
LOL
It’s Columbus Day, and Silvio has some thoughts…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBD61skoMk8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSlX36QP_po
oh yeah, Happy Eye-Tie Christmas, Fozz!!!
We need to start fucking these fuckers the fuck up. And right fucking soon.
B-F-I-B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Loving the Fredbird GIF. I dunno why everybody else in el beisbol has to be soooooo jelly.
/why the FUCK won’t we start a real CF
I see Andy Green is now coaching for the Cardinals.
This is ace-on-ace, start your best DEFENSIVE players, save the bat only chucklefucks to pinch hit. It really is baffling. My condolences for suffering through similar with Dirt BOLTMEN!!!
I love you Hippo, but comparing #BFIB “suffering” to Dirt BOLTMEN suffering is not even close. The word that came to mind was “interplanetary.”
but we ARE DESTINED to succeed. Otherwise, who will show the chill’uns how to do things The Right Way??