Your “They Don’t Come For The Innocent, As None Exist Here” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

NFL Nuggets:

  • DeSean Jackson is done for the year, opting to get core muscle surgery to solve whatever’s ailing him.
    • According to Doug Pederson, what had been a small abdominal tear has turned into the muscle tearing completely off the bone.
  • Also done for the year? Cam Newton, who has been placed on season-ending IR.
    • The foot injury doesn’t want to get better.
    • It doesn’t hurt that Jerry Richardson’s fever dream of a replacement, Kyle Allen, has been keeping the Panthers on the fringes of the playoff hunt.
      • Further priapisme the old man is the fact that Newton is owed $19.1 million with a $21 million cap hit in 2020, but if they cut him they only face a $2 million penalty.
The face of a man who used to own a team of mostly black men.
  • Better injury news for the Colts, as Jacoby Brissett’s knee came out of the MRI just fine.
    • It’s an MCL sprain, not a tear as first feared.
    • They will evaluate him daily, but since they are playing the Dolphins they might choose to rest him this week.
  • Josh Gordon passed his Seahawks physical, and has been cleared to practice starting Thursday.
    • Some of you might be questioning how he passed his tox screen, and I would remind you that the entire Seahawks 2012 defence was hopped up on Adderral & never failed a test or had a totes valid note from their mom.
Author’s interpretation.
  • Stealing from Crimebeat! beat:
    • Kellen Winslow Jr. pleaded guilty on Monday raping an unconscious teen in 2003 and to sexual battery involving a 54-year-old hitchhiker.
      • His sentence will be between 12 to 18 years.
        • The plea deal will help him avoid a life sentence, and – given their season – allow the Patriots to put him on their exempt list.
      • This plea was in advance of a retrial on five rape charges the jury couldn’t decide upon from his first trial.
        • But they did find him guilty of raping the homeless woman the first time, so that evidence was expected to be used at the second trial, which likely prompted the plea.
  • Some reporter tried to help out Low Commander by giving Dean Spanos a stroke today.
    • The Athletic reported that the NFL was looking at the Chargers as their choice for a London-based team.
      Soon, soon…
      • Given that more than 286,000 fans packed Wembley and Tottenham Hotspur Stadium over four games.
    • I can feel the creeping blood pressure in every word:

“It’s total f—— b——-, OK? We’re not going to London,” Spanos told reporters Tuesday. “We’re not going anywhere. We’re playing in Los Angeles. This is our home. This is where I’m planning to be for a long f—— time. Period.”

Finally, I think we can all agree that the highlight of last night’s game was Kevin Harlan’s call of the cat on the field.

I heard it in the car & damn near crashed. The way he worked in the sponsor plug was brilliant. And as noted by most everyone, the Giants led 9-3 before the cat crashed the party. Post-cat, the Cowboys outscored the Giants, 34-9.

Oh, and in case you were wondering if the crack MetLife staff were able to corral it?


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL: (all Canadian broadcasts are regional only)
    • Bruins at Canadiens – 7:30PM | NBCSN
    • Blackhawks at Sharks – 10:00PM | NBCSN
  • NCAA:
    • Football:
      • Ball State at Western Michigan – 8:00PM | ESPN2
    • Hoops:
      • Kansas vs. Duke – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN – From MSG
      • Virginia Tech at Clemson – 7:00PM | ESPNU
      • Army at Villanova – 8:30PM | FS1
      • St. Mary’s (Cal.) vs. Wisconsin – 9:00PM | ESPNU
      • Kentucky vs. Michigan State – 9:30PM | ESPN / TSN
  • NBA:
    • Lakers at Bulls – 8:00PM | Sportsnet1

Enjoy your evening, one and all.

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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WCSMr. Ayoyeah rightBrick MeathookSonOfSpam Recent comment authors
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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yeah right

Home?

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Going up?

WCS

Going bowling I see.

yeah right

Holy shit this freshman on Kentucky, Maxey is fucking legit. Same speed as Wall and Fox but serious range as a kid. He’s been fun to watch.

SonOfSpam

FUCK YEAH ANTEATERS 1-0!

(I may have been spoiled from last season)

WCS

This VERY likely won’t post, so, just click, and enjoy:

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3vhay7

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Welp, learned tonight that Lady BFC had never heard of the Squirrel Nut Zippers. Guess I have failed in my efforts to share the Masters.

SonOfSpam

In the afterlife
You should be ready to explain to your wife
How we were a 90s trend
Then were never ever heard from again

SonOfSpam

The Nevada-Utah roundball game (CBSSN) is at halftime, and the colour guy is Dan Dickau. He was really good when he played at Gonzaga, but who cares because his name is Dickau.

King Hippo

Based on tonight, methinks I will be mostly ignoring hoopsball again.

Doktor Zymm

There are 420 calories in a canister of Planters Cheez Balls. Coincidence, or sneaky marketing to stoners who read labels and can do basic multiplication?

SonOfSpam

heh heh…”balls”

heh heh

/bong rip

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:
I have two email response speeds: “immediate” and “permanent damage to the relationship”

Horatio Cornblower

Just stumbled on this guy. He can fucking sing.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

That’s like stumbling over a mountain.

SonOfSpam

“If this is anyone other than John Popper, you’re stealing my bit!!!”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Wait. Adam Sandler was almost cast as The Bear Jew in Inglorious Basterds? Fuck. That would’ve been amazing.

Redshirt

That would’ve change the movie slightly.

Horatio Cornblower

SonOfSpam

The lady on the bike who flipped off the Trump motorcade is now an elected official:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/juli-briskman-flipped-off-trump-motorcade-loudoun-county-supervisor-board-virginia_n_5dc1e085e4b08b735d616c7e?u1

GOD BLESS AMERICA. (Statement may be rescinded in like five minutes)

Redshirt

“Hey, why are you dragging Me into this mess?!” – God

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I hope Sawant wins re-election. Circumcise that human penis motherfucker already.

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Redshirt

I’m fully expecting Trump to hold a press conference tomorrow in front of a 49-star US Flag holding a map of the United States and Kentucky completely scribbled out in sharpie.

SonOfSpam

As long as someone else identifies where Kentucky is, yes.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Anyone could miss Kentucky, all tucked away down there.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

— Kentucky school students

Horatio Cornblower

That’s one wall I’ll support building.

King Hippo

Those VA legislative results were pretty mediocre. Enough to flip control, but I’m not exactly excited.

Sharkbait

Baby steps at least.

King Hippo

yep, clearly better than bad

Horatio Cornblower

Given the gerrymandering fuckery that’s been going on any time either party can flip both houses of a state legislature it’s an accomplishment.

Redshirt

They won a gerrymandered state. Its not going to be a blowout. Now they can redraw the maps and make the future look blue.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Pretty mediocre? They flipped both houses! What were you expecting?

King Hippo

Remember, the courts un-did part of the gerrymander ahead of this election. Most folks expected 22 or 23 in the Senate, and the 21 includes one huuuuuggggge weirdo (who can be counted on to make trouble). The House result was solid, not overwhelming but better than the Senate. Looks like 55-45 now, should be a workable majority.

Redshirt

Kentucky did good?! I mean it helps that the Governor was an asshole who alienated teachers, but Kentucky didn’t screw it up?!

SonOfSpam

JUST. BARELY.

King Hippo

but thanks to the Cincy burbs, their overperformance was decisive

SonOfSpam

Yeah, I mean if Redshirt wants a slap on the ass, I’m happy to oblige.

I’ll be even happier when THE RECKONING happens (it has begun already)

Redshirt

I know. Way to represent Kenton and Campbell Counties! And here I thought you guys were a lost cause.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Poor Cam.

SonOfSpam

– photographer, apologizing to his Nikon after Sarah Huckabee came in for glamour shots.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

And if you lose, they are going to say Trump suffered the greatest defeat in the history of the world. You can’t let that happen to me!

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sharkbait

Oh that is delicious.

SonOfSpam

Sorry to repeat your “delicious” adjective. Twas apt, twas.

SonOfSpam

He actually fucking said that!

DELICIOUS.

Sharkbait

Expect Trump to tweet that he doesn't know Kentucky, and all rumors he has ever been there are fake news.

— Slava Malamud (@SlavaMalamud) November 6, 2019

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Gratliff

Gratliff

Big Black Richard
Big Black Richard

First they came for Splinter and I said nothing, because fuck Hamilton Nolan.

Then they came for Deadspin, and that one hurts, but I’m trying to see the silver lining. At least I’ll never again have to see Billy Haisley’s byline. Fucking talentless provoca-troll douchebag. He’s the Lena Dunham of American soccer journalism.

Then they came for Paul Maidment, and that one hurts the most of all, because his resignation was probably under duress and probably solely to save Jim Spanfeller’s job. Don’t get me wrong, fuck Paul Maidment with a cattle prod. But he shouldn’t have to leave in order to cover Spanfeller’s ass. He should have to leave because he’s an industry-wide disgrace.

How are you mayonnaise monkeys doing tonight?

King Hippo

YAAAASSSSSSS!!! Our Big Black Richard is back.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m great! Even more so for seeing a familiar face. Good to see you, BBR.

litre_cola

Welcome back! Mayonnaise Monkeys would be a great albino cover band.

Horatio Cornblower

SHEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIT. Good to see you, BBR.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I was not provided an ample allotment of mayonnaise

SonOfSpam

Mayonnaise Monkeys is kinda raycess, so I’m gonna retaliate in kind: “How you doin, you drunken mick?”

How you like it, you Icelandic motherfucker?

yeah right

Damn glad to see you BBR.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Welp, good jorb, Kentucky and Virginia.

King Hippo

Though Mississippi looks to be acting like Mississippi.

Horatio Cornblower

King Hippo

NC State is doing NC State things. That ain’t never no good.

Horatio Cornblower


A song featuring the world’s most talented hobo.

Who will now go missing after I’ve revealed his ID to Scotchy

herodotus450
herodotus450

Gratliff

10 in a row for the Islanders seems physically impossible

Sharkbait

I do not like living in a world where the Islanders are competent.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Busch Lights? Seems about right.

Gratliff

Are the Flyers good or bad? Yes.

Dunstan
Dunstan

Ice Alouettes regain the lead!

Horatio Cornblower

With 99% of the vote in Kentucky is poised to oust Matt Bevins, their GOP governor and real douchebag. The problem with Bevins, as near as anyone can tell, is that Bevins is determined to eliminate their Medicare expansion. This is a perfect encapsulation of Red State voters: they hate “Big Gub’mint” but so help them God and Sonny Jesus if you lift a finger to take their government benefits away they will ride your tar-and-feathered ass out of town on a rail.

Sharkbait

At least a Trump stooge got ousted.

Gratliff

Kentucky and Tennessee are such a perfect contrast of what happened to the states that voted to expand medicaid vs the ones that didn’t. It must suck so bad to be poor in Tennessee.

Also,

Gratliff

Did you know toothpaste was invented in Tennessee? If it had been invented anywhere else, they would have called it teethpaste.

King Hippo

Have to be EXTRA careful when challenging Headliner to a game of horseshoes.

Horatio Cornblower

That song is outstanding.

SonOfSpam

Didn’t know a white chick was in Arrested Development.

Dunstan
Dunstan

I think I’ll mix myself a Moscow Mitch to celebrate the people of Kentucky.

Horatio Cornblower

Easy on the cocaine; you don’t want to Len Bias yourself.

Dunstan
Dunstan

My version is just vodka, Kentucky bourbon, and ginger beer

Sharkbait

Go on…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What about the leaves and turtle poop?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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SonOfSpam

Have always loved McSweeney’s.

LemonJello
LemonJello

For all the shitty political ads NoVA has been bombarded with, none of the local channels want to pre-empt regular programming to actually report election results.

Sharkbait

I used to live in New Hampshire. Fucking hated election season.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

No news crawl?

Sharkbait

Did a free DFS tournament tonight. As much as I love the hockey, I’m shit at Hockey DFS.

King Hippo

Hippo projects a Beshear win by just over 0.5%

theeWeeBabySeamus

I still wanna give Josh pastner a wedgie.
Let’s do this.

theeWeeBabySeamus

The older Mike Krzyesamewskiwitz gets, the more he looks like Dean Smiff.

theeWeeBabySeamus

It’s the nose.

King Hippo

90% of Louisville is in, 2.4% lead for the non-fascists. Now, have to run out the clock.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Chris Mack looks like he should be at St Jude’s Hospital getting juvenile cancer treatment fo’ free.

Sharkbait

Evening folks.

Bad news for Teh Hippo. PL rescinded Son’s straight red.

King Hippo

Hippo will have sommet to say about that Sabado morning. Fucking FA is corrupt as hell.

Sharkbait

At least my other PL team (I’m allowed to support two right?) is in 8th.
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King Hippo

yep, nobody will give you side-eye for being all liek Up Teh Trashbirds!

litre_cola

What’s the Premier League? I kind of remember it but it might be an acid flashback.

SonOfSpam

Hey, I got Watford (been there) and Crystal Palace (secretly I’m a dandy fop), so why not?

King Hippo

BOOM!!! 75% reporting, Andy Beshear takes first lead. Southern Demmycrats ain’t ded yet!!!

LemonJello
LemonJello

Did the Ice P*triots replace Tukka Rask with a turnstile for tonight’s game?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

In 20 minutes, I have to train our China team on a new process rolling out next week,.I sure hope they knew what they were getting into, because that’s Beer:30.

Senor Weaselo

Oh, they gon’ get murdered. Wait, that’s Saudi Arabia.

King Hippo

I miss that NYT “probability needle”

King Hippo

Shitty Wolves’ senior PG (and only real, actual good basketballist) is out with an ankle owie because fuck everything why not lose to goddamned Georgia Tech at home in the season opener.

theeWeeBabySeamus

What about Funderburke? Why he suspendoed?

King Hippo

Drove off with TWO boots on his car (unpaid parking tickets) ala Homer Simpson. Probably back soon.

King Hippo

for the (wolf-related) Gentiles among us, Fundy would be the 2nd best player on the roster, and it’s a looooooonnnnnggggggg dropoff to #3 (#3-#11 are all about the same)

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehe…suspension moar than worth the comedic value. Lol.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Da U…not good at the bakxetballing.

King Hippo

The ONE (and I do mean ONLY ONE) good thing to come from Herr Fuhrer’s little fascism project? Motherfuckers are voting now. Doesn’t matter if just local elections.

King Hippo

First precincts in for my small-ish town – In an “elect two” for Town Council, Dem Guy has 43%, Dem Lady has 42%, and the last Republican in Town Gub’ment 14%

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

So let me get this straight, Dean Spanos is upset because a group of billionaires are trying to relocate the Chargers somewhere where no one is asking for them, solely because they think the team’s value will rise and find an increase in fan support?
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TheRevanchist

I am all in favor of sending that crybaby QB to another country. And the rest of the team, too. But mostly that guy and his 400 clone army he is raising.

King Hippo

Demmycrats have a chance FOAR Kentucky Gov’nuh after all. HAWT electoral action!!

King Hippo

Redshirt Country (ie, Cincy burbs) moving sharply left. Dunno if enough to offset counter-trends in rurals.

Horatio Cornblower

Apparently the only thing Kentuckians hate more than gun control and dating outside their Thanksgiving table is Matt Bevins.

King Hippo

and he’s still 50-50 to win because fuck yeeeeewwwwww, libtard!!111

Horatio Cornblower

“Core muscle surgery instead of play out the season?’ mused Horatio, while shoveling another handful of Doritos into his maw, “What a pussy.”

scotchnaut

“Was it hairy?”

/asking for a Spur

Horatio Cornblower

Don’t you start, or I’ll call the Mounties about your little “hobby.”

scotchnaut

Mounties: “A ‘Horatio Cornblower’ insists that you stalk and butcher people that don’t have a home. There’s no evidence of this whatsoever but we have to follow through.”

Me: “I do some posts on a certain site. It’s just a gag. He drinks a shit-ton of IPA’s from a bunch of sketchy breweries. Might explain his paranoia.”

scotchnaut

[sharpens several knives]

[starts a google search]

Horatio Cornblower

Fuck. Hoist by my own petard.

scotchnaut

Coach K vs. Belichick. Each is tasked with coaching a hockey team for a year. Which team wins a best of 7 series and why. Go!

Horatio Cornblower

Belichek in 4 and it won’t be that close. Darth Hoodie will have his team prepared to trip, hack, and slash its way to victory, while Ratface McGee will mistakenly rely on a combination of his history of sniping at the referees out of the side of his mouth and CBS’s unremitting fellatio of “Dear sweet Coach K” stories to carry the day, not realizing that a) NHL referees can’t hear the coaches and b) CBS doesn’t carry hockey.

Sharkbait

Belichick signs Sean Avery and gives him the C for his way of finding loopholes in the rules.