Because moneys speak louder than public health (and thank FUCK for that, amirite??), we finally have sommet like a full Saturday slate. Praise be! But don’t forget about Premiership Banana Puddings time, first!
The Mighty Blues of Everton are in first position (assuming Villa lost yesterday, which I will presume #HAILGAMBLOR), and who knows how long this wacky ride will last? But our beautiful James (Him-ez) is out for Sunday’s match at Saints (10:00, NBCSN). I am feeling draw, but very grateful no bleeding into RedZone time.
City are there for wake and bake action (7:30, Peacock), away to the very interesting, mercurial Hammers. You can certainly see some wobble in the wheels of Pep’s side, and West Ham are playing with a great deal of confidence. Could be worth your time, or City awaken and slaughter these.
Oh my cats, what a turd of a 10:00 (NBCSN) fixture. Uncle Woy’s Palace at the Cottage. Even Litre ain’t want to see that, but we all noe he shll watch anyway. As will I, gotta watch sommet. (Oh I will watch, because I like pain)
/Door Flies open. A drunk Wakezilla comes stumbling in the DFO Club house.
Wakezilla: Hello Sports fans! I’m happy to announce that Hornchester United is back, baby!
This week, Manchester United’s right-back, Aaron Wan-Bissaka, got caught with his hands in many, many cookie jars. Spider has been outed through widely shared Instagram posts of cheating on his girlfriend with Jesse Lingard’s ex, American model Marliesia Ortiz. We only heard about this because he got a third woman pregnant and he doesn’t want her to have the baby.
Is Spider a good partner to have in a relationship? Of course not. But you know what? I give AWB a standing ovation because all that scoring off the field has finally translated on the field, as he scored his first goal last week against The Barcodes.
With all the controversy getting leaked less than 24 hours before a big Champions League clash against PSG, you’d think AWB would lay a stinker, right? You’d be wrong.
AWB had Mbappe, Neymar and Di Maria in his back pocket the entire time:
https://twitter.com/i/status/1319197805106352128
It turns out all that off-field back dooring he has done has paid off because neither Mbappe nor Neymar could pull a fast one on AWB. It was pretty funny watching both of them yelling at each other to “switch sides” to get away from Spider.
AWB’s shenanigans is a sign of promising things, as United’s best players tend to get caught up in these. . . entanglements.
The current King of Infidelity is Anthony Martial. He went off and cheated on his pregnant girlfriend with Malika Semichi. But you know what happened after that? He had a career year!
Earlier this season, teenage phenom, Mason Greenwood, donned the #11 (the number in which Martial first had an affair) and definitely didn’t get the cold shoulder when he was in Iceland. Iceland? More like Niceland!
There definitely is something to wearing #11. For those of you who don’t know, United legend, Ryan Giggs, apologized to his brother for an 8 year affair with his wife, 4 years after he stopped sleeping with her.
Better late than never, I suppose. This was in addition to his other affair with Imogen Thomas.
So Hornchester United is back! Rooney, Rio, and Becks gives this new generation of womanizers two thumbs up, a lifetime of supply of green condoms from Condomdepot.com and a free prescription to fight the Clap.
But best of all, United has the heart of gold. Marcus Rashford is fighting to have no child in England to starve. This was his plea to parliament before they took a vote to feed starving children:
In response, British politicians told starving kids to go fuck themselves. Upon hearing this, Nigel Farage tweeted out “If the government can subsidise Eat Out to Help Out, not being seen to give poor kids lunch in the school holidays looks mean and is wrong.”
When even Nigel fucking Farage can tell you how morally bankrupt this decision is then you know the politicians that voted no are a fucking train wreck who deserve the guillotine. With that said, Farage is still a piece of shit.
Yesterday, Rashford turned his Twitter feed into a network of restaurants, cafes and communities who will feed those children for free instead.
As for today’s game against Chelski, well, expect the Blues to pick up 3 points because over the past 10 years, United shit the bed after putting in a solid performance in Europe.
/Wakezilla throws down a smokebomb and disappears
Fantastic Spotlight Dance, Chelski invading Old Trafford (12:30, NBC). United had a yuuuuuuuge Shempions League road win mid-week. Are they fixed, or just another false dawn? I have to watch the Terrible Game (follow the link for my bile) on ESPN, which will make me beyond angry for the weekend, unless Everton cheer me up.
NBC wants you to fire Peacock back up to watch the Redshite destroy Team Knifey (3:00). Suffice to say…no. Just no.
/Wakezilla jumps out from out of the garbage can
Wakezilla: Hey Scousers!
/Wakezilla throws down another smokebomb and once again disappears.
I am too geeked about Everton to notice much outside the Prem. My apologies.
Hi futbol friends, Litre here. How am I doing? (You don’t care) Well, have you looked at the table? (Why would you look at the bottom). Did I predict this? (Yep, you still don’t care) Yes, yes I did. Did I want this to happen? No, no I did not. (Got to be funny to watch an internet friend melt down)
Instead of being angry, or violent I’m going to start on a happy note. The futbol portion of the clubhouse has grown year after year and has been fantastic to be part of this growing corner of DFO. The internet friendship goes so far that I send and receive packages from random people who I have never met before (which is awesome and a bit worrying for my wife).
Due to the exchanging of ideas on information on the site I have become enamoUred with SexiMexifutbol. I’ve been sent two jerseys from Balls for my chosen team Puebla who were chosen due to their middling position in the table and they used to have a good Canadian striker. Following these guys I can tell you they’re more frustrating than following the London Jaguras. I’ve also expressed my new love of Puebla FC to Mrs. Cola and she responded art, food? Yeah, I’m down, let’s go to a futbol game.
There’s been bottles of booze that have gone across borders (back and forth to San Juan!), not to mention many chocolate bars back and forth between countries. What I am saying is that Fulham may be shit (and things in general), but there’s a good community here so be good to each other, and fuck Aston Villa the fake fucks.
The eternal question is who would you rather have on your chest? AT&T or Facebook?
I have a footy scarf collection that is cozying up to 100 but is nae on display due to tiny condo where the Cola’s live. I’m always on the lookout for footy scarves from friends around the world if I can’t get them myself.  Arsenal supporter and all around good fellow Horatio Cornblower had shown me a highlight of his local NASL club Hartford Athletic on the twitter. I offhandedly mentioned my scarf addiction to him (No 50 shades) and he was able to get me one and it’s fucking glorious. Beauty coloUrs, very Whalers, which is awesome as I was/am a big fan.
In return for these gifts I send scarves that represent my supporters group for the Canadian Premier League and there are now American DFO Footsoldiers !
Alright, screw this nice fuzzy shit. The mighty London Jaguras have 1 fucking point thus far. 1. How many? 1. Even though I knew this was coming you still can’t prepare for getting the shit kicked out of you every weekend. Even though I predicted it would happen it still changes my mood on Saturdays however I am better when I don’t watch. I predicted the shitty back line that Johnny Wrestling (see Wednesday nights or Sunday days in Duvaaaaallll) needed to address. Did he? Yes, eventually. He did so on the last day of the transfer window when the club WAS ALREADY BOOTFUCKED TO START THE SEASON. Was I happy on deadline day? Yes. Did our new coveted cb blow his knee a week later? Fuck and Yes. All of this being said I still believe that the strive for 17th will happen because I am a fool and this is why we’re all supporters. who subscribe to hope and blind belief. This year when I look at the starting lineup there are 2 dudes left from the team that came up and I do believe that’s a good thing. To the gents that got us up thank you for your service but you do not have the quality that the Premier League demands. I despise being a yoyo club and wish that it was like when Mighty Whitey (nawt raycess) was the 7th longest standing team in the Prem but those Michael Jackson statued games are long gone.
Ah well, at least in North America we aren’t getting screwed by SKY, the FA with their pay per-view scheme.
*Please take a moment out of your day to read up on the Shakhtar v Real Madrid game that happened this week. It’s delicious.
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Nebraska (+26) at tOhio State (Noon, Fox)
So glad to have channel flipping options, that I almost don’t retch at this featured turd. ALMOST.
Oklahoma (-6.5) at TCU (Noon, ABC)
Now this, THIS…could be fun. Bloodeyes are firmly “backed up against the wall” and it’s really an elimination game for both (in terms of getting to league championship game).
Kansas (+19.5) at Kansas State (Noon, FS1)
This one might be rather car crash-y…but remember the cardinal rule of Unded Bill Snyders. Love them as a big underdog, hate them as a big favoUrite.
Alabama (-21.5) at Tennessee (3:30, CBS)
Coming off getting pantsed by Kenfucky, UT welcomes…Alabama to town. Sometimes, life is just mean like that.
Iowa State (+3.5) at Oklahoma State (3:30, Fox)
This is likely the best matchup of the day. Talent (BDSM State) v. coaching (Cornpone State), as the last two Big Twaaaalve undefeateds square off. Winner deffo has the inside lane to conference title game, but anything can, will, and does happen in this cray-cray JV league.
West By God Virginia (-3) at Texas Tech (5:30, ESPN2)
I struggle to make sense of Fuckers du Cousins as road favoUrite against anyone sentient. But up is down in 2020, and Guns Up! have proven quite adept at shooting themselves in the dick. Gotta love this staggered start time, though! And we can drink and/or pill with good imaginary buddy WCS!
South Cakalaky (+6) at LSU (7:00, ESPN)
It may be difficult to fall off the floor, but that’s what it would be if Bayou Bengals lost at home to a very mediocre Chickens squadron. I just don’t know what Coach O’s boys have in the tank. They might just be “capital B” BAD.
Michigan (-3) at Minnesota (7:30, ABC)
I wasn’t going to bother with this’un…but meh. They’s both ranked. Bet the under, if anything.
Cincinnati (+2.5) at SMU (9:00, ESPN2)
This is a pretty strong matchup for a semi-tweaker timeslot, and I respect that. Would like to see the Ponies come good here. PHRASING.
I’m under a 95 F sun in a long queUe to get political propaganda for the Ex and the Heiress. Upside: it’s for my candidate. Downside: no 40-summin ladies near my spot on the line.
What about 30-summin?
I don’t like kids!
So don’t date em
Advice I could have used years ago! – J. Epstein
Trade you locales?
Not yet. Still kinda-grata in my neighboUrhood. Achieving full non- status may lift my snow ban.
Why would he? He’s getting all the set shot paper towels he can catch. You can’t put a price on that.
Little Fin even looks like Ryan!
Not sure I heard it right-Is he really a True Frenchman?
If true that score was Easy Briesy.
true frosh, 3-star recruit
So on FOX, the OSU game is being followed by the OSU game. To bad Pac12’s not running yet or FOX could’ve completed the hat trick.
Little Fin is IN THE MATCH for Wolven Sort!
Little passes paying off so far. Except for dude down on the ground.
Makes fast reads, gets the damn ball out quickly. Just like big brother.
Little Ben with the TD!
Mendy has decided he’s going to play like prime Peter Czech now. Shit goalies always do that with United
It’s not Ole’s MO, but damn, United need changes at the half pronto
Just was doing FF stuff and saw that there are leagues that have 2 kickers? What kind of sorcery if that?
Why? I’d like to try a 2 qb thingy but kickers? Kickers?
If the memorial league was 12 people I would do that. I guarantee there will be a flex next year, I still feel shame for not having caught that.
The league is yours to run but my suggestion is to make it more and more wild and wooly each year. But yeah, let’s get the flex in next year.
Superflex?
[tries to hide boner]
I mean, yeah, maybe. If you want to…
If the 1st kicker can kick the ball to the 2nd kicker who can then kick it though the uprights before it hits the ground or without touching the ball with his hands, that is worth at least 8 points.
I’m not even sure who any of those teams/people are, but I sure do love me some baby momma drama. Great recap, Hippo!
Update: Big 10 Conference has not considered a great tackle as targeting…yet.
Chelski’s Black keeper is a vast improvement.
The last guy wasn’t much of a Kepa….
Only stayed for a Kepa coffee.
McTominay might be missing two contact lenses this half because his passing has been awful
/sees Todd Richards joins Predators coaching staff on the scroll
Me: “Gotta say, as an organization the Catholic Church is fantastic at identifying young talent in more than just one way.”
Thats awful, but true and oh so funny all,at the same time.
Banner?
Ohio State defense is suffering from hypoglycemia from lack of Cupcake Games in their diet.
Redshirt on a Saturday morning?
/door for JV football is open
If Dan James ever develops football intelligence in the finals third, he will become a great player. Until then, Holy fuck he’s dumber than bricks
Never trust anyone with 2 first names,
Some Manchester United fans are stood on John Gilbert Way [near Old Trafford] with a ‘Glazers out Woodward out’ banner yet again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tvJvh_87i4
Great song from a GREAT album!
Dan James looking lost. .. again
So, Ajax scored 2 touchdowns today
But missed the 2nd extra point smh
So Dan Snyder sees the faces printed on the tarps covering the seats and realizes how he can finaly get a “sell out” crowd again.
I don’t care for him as a signing (or a player anymore), but Cavani in the rain is mighty handsome.
Cavani in the rain,
What a glorious vision,
Cavani in the rain!
Fat Frank is a Tory. So fuck him. I hope he loses and gets fired after Rashford gets a hatty
So Red vs. Blue, due to personal politics and my love of old youtube series, I have to pull for Blue, even though neither team means anything to me.
Red is the left coloUr in Europe. And Frank Lampard is a Tory Cunt.
Tory Cunt is kind of redundant isn’t it?
It’s part of the nomenclature on the site now. It’s Obligatory.
Not at all, because not all Tories are cunts, damn it… #ToryTwatLivesMatter !
it is POURING in this chelski vs man u game
also goooooo Chelsea
Pulisic got the start! cool
yay USA
Hmmm, the hated Red Devils or the tenants?
Under Ole, I really don’t mind United. Like the P*ts sans Brady. Much more neutral.
“What color are the tenants?”
-Anon, Wash, D.C.
The Wolfpack is #23? Wha?
We were shit hot until our QB died. Really nice win away to JV Yinzburgh, blew out UVA in Hooville too.
You guys had a qb until recently? Sillycuse isn’t at that stage of the rebuilding project yet.
Yes. A brief Prague Spring. The good one was in #NuAIDS protocol, so idiot coach started the bad one. Made a QB switch, won 3 in a row. Died in the Duke win, though. Shitty one is back.
Ryan Finley’s little brother (we calls him “Little Fin”) is a true freshman, we are already pining for him.
Is he higher rated prospect than big brother?
Very much not. BUT HE’S IN NOW!!
Buckeye Offense 1st Drive: Rusty but still like last year. That’s good.
Buckeyes Defense 1st Drive: Makes Bengals Defense look good. That’s bad.
“A limited crowd here at Amon G. Carter Stadium here in Texas.”
/I think they were talking about attendance…
Okie is on the board super quick.
We’re renovating our home in preparation to sell it and I had a hard time yesterday. I had to take two old toilets to their ‘Forever Home”. I didn’t feel good about it until I saw them lying next to their new friends, a mangled dishwasher and a pile of rotted-out baseboards. They all seemed happy and that’s the most important thing.
Dare I ask about the hobo sitch at the dump?
It’s harder and harder coming up with scenarios and that one crossed my mind.
What about a hobo plumber or pizza delivery and things get… out of hand.
Oh my sweet, naive herodotus-how do I get away with the crime if I have them come over to my residence? I mean, these stories have to be plausible.
“(pats newly installed toilet) This baby could flush a dismembered corpse it’s so powerful!”
“Really…”
“And with each toilet purchased we throw in a free drum of hydrofluoric acid!”
“I mean, it would be a crime not to buy a few of these, right honey?” [talking to sock on hand]
Lots of misty water coloUr memmmmmmories with them terlets, I bet…
I made note of it when it happened on this very site but the basement one was the site where my youngest plugged his very first. [sniffs]
Ole fielding the same side that beat Newcastle. Given who’s on the bench against cheating Chelski, I’m extra nervous about today.
Also, with what’s going on in Nigeria, I hope Ole gives Ighalo some PT. I think Ighalo will be motivated to get a goal to show off a EndSars shirt that’s underneath his shirt
“cheating Chelsea? Grrrrrrrr.”
-rockingdog
Fuck this, El Classico it is!
doesn’t look like a favoUrable result there, neither
Ansu Fati is so good
He grows up to be murderously good in Footy Manager.
Awww fuck. Just got home from the winter hinterland to this usual shit.
Why the fuck do I bother?
Poor Mola. Like a magnet on the woodwork.
MOTHER FUCKER!!!! I screamed. Wife nawt happy.
TRUE HIPPO STORY! Because Lookman goes by “Mola” I tried nicknaming him The Tooth (when at Everton). The Brits…were not amused. But c’mon, The Tooth is the TRUTH!!
BATE Borisov, muthafuckas!!!!
The internet friendship goes so far that I send and receive packages from random people who I have never met before (which is awesome and a bit worrying for my wife).
Now think of what our wives were thinking when we met up….lol. my kids thought it would be the last of me…ha
This is a great bunch
Tell me MOAR about these packages from random people… – Sen. Lindsay G., Washington, DC
Wife “So your meeting a dude from the internet?”
Me: “Yeah”
Wife: “You have never met?”
Me : “No”
Wife : “Have fun on your blind date you weirdo”
Think we had the same conversation but separately
Of all my DFO in person meet ups, the one with Litre was the funniest circumstance.
I got that whole stag very high from my cookies!
The Giants inability to pressure the qb is well documented and they just traded away Markus Golden, (for a 6th rounder) a pass rush specialist with the team’s highest pressure rate. (two others at the position are either done for the year or on IR.)
I look forward to next year’s “Danny Dimes or Trevor Lawrence” controversy.
Here’s the goal that led to Litre and I smuggling contraband scarfs across the 54-40.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfFr6ZBMPDg
SPAL finally does a good FOAR Hippo WOO!!!!
found a funny:
ME: All human knowledge is accessible through a thing in your pocket
1600S GUY: What’s the shitting situation
ME: Tiny lake in your house
Hannibal finally gettin that star treatment
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAAOuDgNeOw
Can somebody tell me what the point of this “no destroying stuff” monster truck crap, that is frequently on NBCSN?
Dont want to offend the trucksexuals by depicting any violence onto their kind.
You’ve obviously never been friends with a flattened car. Why is that exactly? I can’t relate to their experience but I do feel their pain.
I added Antonio Brown in each of my leagues because I am officially out of ideas
Eat Out to Help Out was also Darren Sharper’s ill-advised defense strategy in court.
G’afternoon from lovely Sweden, lads ‘n’ lasses… I hope the gamblin’ gods are treating you all well today?
Also – congrats on the win against the Pats, Hippo! Your guys were bloody awesome the whole game
Bradley Chubb is an absolute monster. LOVE that dude.
He is indeed an absolute monster, I hate him oh-so-much 😀
KMFDM, making Hippo sad.
This does pose a dilemma. I was gonna wear my white long-sleeve running shirt (also in case I joins the Guilty Remnant) to support Mighty Whitey. But I wouldn’t want Chtulu to think it was in support of Real Cuntfaces of Madrid.
Grocery store opens at 7 am, game at 8. Oh yes I plan to hit that window after sweeping the 10 inches of snow off my car.
Couple of Palace players have #nuAIDS, that’s a good sign for Fulham.
So, in 2 hours we will have the latest edition of El Clásico which really should have been included in the writeup above alongside a discussion of the Shaktar game, but it’s been a very long week at work and I didn’t get a chance to contribute.
I do apologize but, in my defense, my number was 11…
Given current form, MOAR LIEK el Assico ,, amirite??
Two team race for the title, Everton and West Ham. 2020 is the tits, y’all!
Somewhere, Fronk’s boner just grew three sizes..
Watching the Grand Final on delay (no spoilers Balls)
Don’t read last night’s open thread.