Here comes the deliriously jam-packed Premiership Festivus period, with the added entropy that is #NuAIDS. A good opportunity to see some of your favoUrite side’s depth options!
You’re not setting your alarm to watch the German Elton John kick the tar shit (and whine incessantly) out of Uncle Woy’s ti-wud Pawace. Shockingly, they won’t be hiding it on Peacock, though (7:30, NBCSN).
Surprisingly competent Soton gets surprisingly pedestrian City at 10:00 (also NBCSN), as we all wait for the law of gravity to re-establish itself. Surely this week? Because Saints can get right fucked.
You KNOW IT, baby! Toffees in the Spotlight Dance (12:30, NBC), against an Arsenal side that’s winless in its last 6 domestic fixtures. Handsome Mikel Arteta is lucky he won the FA Cup. And of course, that he’s handsome. Nobody likes to fire good-looking people! DFO has quite the significant Gooner contingent, who will no doubt enjoy smack talking Hippo’s rage. Everton can’t possibly give me three straight resilient performances against credible opponents. (reverse jinx double-bank shot)
Wrap up your Lesser Day almost in time for SABADO NFL WOO!!! Newcastle welcome Mighty Whitey (3:00, Peacock) to their corner of the Northeast, with Litre sure to scare wife and child at least once. Will we get an appearance from WCS, admitted Barcode-friendly Commentist?
As I am writing this, it’s just shocking how bad Troi Boiz are. Looks like Oh-ray-GAWNE will be the first JV conference champion that didn’t win their division. Space-time continuum rupture, y’all. Today’s potential bananacakes recipes:
Northwestern (+18.5) v. Ohio State @ Gravy Boat (Noon, Fox)
All this hand-wringing over tOSU, in the one season where they clearly do fucking pass the fucking eye test. 3 more games against other conference weaklings would change exactly nothing. This will be an epic beatdown, with a 2/3 matchup against the Clemson/ND winner ahead.
Oklahoma (-6) v. Iowa State @ JerralWorld (Noon, ABC)
On one hand, I don’t get how Steerfuckers North are favoUred by more than a FG. Or maybe favoUred at all. On the other hand…I sure as shit ain’t betting on Cornpone State. Like they say, a riddle wrapped up in an enema smgdh.
Washington State (+10.5) at Utah (1:30, FS1)
Hey there, one of many random filler matchups! We see you!! Weird how many central/western games are being played so early in the day. Oh well, is Plague Year. Just go with it.
Clemson (-10.5) v. Notre Dame @ Richardson Plantation (4:00, ABC)
Somehow, Brian Kelly has managed to become more sanctimonious and up-his-own-arsehole than Dabo! can even dream. Like I said, strange year. Vegas is expecting angry Tiggers and fraudulent, perhaps hungover Irish. Fuck ’em all, I ain’t watch. With a loss, ND will get its ass handed to them by Roll Damn Tide, which would make for much guffawing.
Boise State (-6.5) v. San Jose State @ Random Vegas Area Vacant Lot (4:15, Fox)
I love how #NuAIDS managed to get these fuckadoos national Fox coverage. I have no idea whether either of these squadrons is even marginally worth a shit. But, it’s not ND/Clemson.
Alabama (-17) v. Florida @ Megatron’s Butthole (8:00, CBS)
It means MOAR until it don’t. Florida doesn’t get in the playoffs with a win (seriously, like that’s even a possibility), Bama is in regardless. But Nick Saban will be out for blood anyway, because it’s all that brings him joy. Well, that and the tears of small children.
Tulsa (+14.5) at Cincinnati (8:00, ABC)
This is indeed a title matchup, just at the better one’s home field. But would one really be surprised if JV WKRP kind of just phoned this one in? I could see it.
Arizona State (-7) at Oregon State (10:30, ESPN)
Oh tweaker fixture, however will we miss ya. The nation’s best coeds try to go after Niiiiiiiiiiicccccceeee Beaver. Brought to you by RedTube.
And, that’s it. Our plucky Chanticleers got cancelled by #NuAIDS. What a dick that guy is!
Fuck everything.
Highlighters down one!
Mighty Whitey are 45 minutes from being in 16th and 2 points off the Gooners!
Lookman looks like he might get a goal. Mitro has been awful and needs to step him game up.
Not going to happen, but both clubs look like they’d benefit from Lingard and Jones/Rojo. Both players would cost, combined, about £10-15 million, which is cheaper than losing £40+ million in being relegated.
I love Mitro, but the team plays so differently with him out there. The last matches without him we are super fast, we tend to slow down with him. This is fine in the C’ship, but not in the prem.
GEEEETTTTT INNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Good jerb, Whites continue to reign supreme!
Need me a HT win for Sandusky B (ie, Argentina’s All Boys) to get my GAMBLOR keel even.
As usual the elitist GULF COAST MEDIA will automatically downplay an OSU victory here just because it’s over Northwestern. Meanwhile, a one loss SEC team would be (and is) getting playoff consideration and touted as proof of how much things are different down there.
I feel for you, Litre. Newcastle is looking very beatable tonight. Fulham’s offense just needs to finish these chances. (Lookman, I’m looking in your direction)
I would expect Mitro to have a day. He left the Geordies for London. He hasn’t played in the last 3 matches where we looked good.
Watching the Mighty (Nawt Raycess) Whitey’s is the only time I’ll watch anything AEW related. Here’s hoping they can beat Goal! (Up yours Santiago!)
There’s an alarming number of refs on the pitch.
Sooooo the guy I thought wasnt playing anf put waaaay too much money on the fact he wouldnt score. He totally is scoring.
Who?
“Are you? Who Who, Who Who.”
-The Guess Who
Bobby Reid has a hamstring injury. Told all week he wasnt going to play. My footy app sent me the starting lineups with him no in it.
He is playing….
Hey, if he scores, your pocket book is lighter, but Fulham probably gets a point off that goal
Was exactly what I was thinking.
OSU on that last drive was like me playing Madden, just running the same HB Sprint play 12 times in a row.
Back from roughly 5-6 miles of skiing, came in dripping with sweat, to the point my wife wouldn’t let me in the house until I’d dried off with a towel.
I know of no better exercise than cross-country skiing other than, of course, drinking beer and not exercising at all.
my wife wouldn’t let me in the house
Did you try the backdoor?
My exercise today consisted of a load of laundry followed by an hour and a half of chopping, roasting, pureeing and general overall kitchen prep.
Now it’s strictly simmer and stir for 2 1/2 hours more.
Think I’ll join you on that whole “Beer” thing.
Northwestern is #purpleveinstrong
Now that my organs are semi-functioning again, impressed by tOSU’s BLEERGH genuflections.
Lewa deserves to win the Balon d’or. However, Bruno should have been a finalist. Watching Arsenal is like watching United before Bruno came, in that they lacked a creative spark and will to win.
EX-FOOKIN-HALE
I need to see THE team who is playing Northwestern get THE loss to shut up THE dickholes who won’t ever shut THE fuck up.
Per Redshirt’s comment on the philosophy of football:
https://existentialcomics.com/comic/273
The B1G has descended into a derpoff.
I just found out that edible cookie dough exists. What other great things exist that I don’t know about?
Scotch Eggs?
All cookie dough is edible, just depends on your risk tolerance
(see: everything is a dildo if you’re brave enough)
Fun fact: the raw flour is apparently the bigger danger from raw cookie dough, not the eggs.
I’m just saying, I’ve eaten a ton of raw cookie dough in my time on this earth, and it’s only really hurt my arteries.
Leaving your toxic family in the dust. Trust me on this.
I’m already working on an escape route.
Other NFL teams besides the Bengals to root for?