Your “Actually Getting To Choose The Method” Monday Evening Open Thread

NFL Nuggets:

  • Alex Smith has decided to retire, “even though I’ve got plenty of snaps left in me.”
    • He finishes with a career record of 99-67-1, a passer rating of 86.9 and a TD-INT ratio of 199-109.
    • Honestly, it’s kind of nice that he gets to go out after the comeback.
      • And he led a third team to a division title – albeit a 7-9 division title – on one leg & a prayer.
    • There’s always the chance he Cade McCown’s half-way through the season if a division leader comes calling, but for now he’s done.
  • New Seahawks signee Aldon Smith is wanted in Chalmette, LA for second-degree battery.
    • He apparently choked someone out at a coffee shop, and there’s video evidence.
      • It’s “second-degree” because the person passed out.
        • A conviction mandates a fine of up to $2,000 and/or up to eight years in prison.
    • The Seahawks are hoping this plays out like the Aaron Donald “assault”, where he was initially accused but then video showed him pulling guys off the dude getting beat.
        • Dude also publicly apologized, but he really should have heeded the advice of site-friend DrawPlayDave

  • In other “Crimebeat!” news, Deshaun Watson’s official response to the now-22 lawsuits against him can be boiled down to, “they’re all lying whores”.
    • In a document entitled, “Deshaun Watson’s Original Answer,” he (or his lawyers) make the assertion that,
      • “It was not until the plaintiffs saw an opportunity for a money grab that they changed their stories to convert therapy sessions they bragged about to friends and family to something much more nefarious.”
    • In the next paragraph, the document alleges that the characterizations of Watson’s conduct “range from being misleading, to fraudulent, to slanderous.”

  • Ooh, make space on your phone – the NFL is teaming up with iHeart Networks to launch a podcast network.
    • The NFL currently produces seven podcasts featuring writers from the league’s website as well as NFL Network commentators.
      • “This really gets us into the podcasts space, where we can supercharge the visibility of our current ones and increase the distribution as well as take some of the content from our library to create new ones,” said Brent Lawton, the NFL’s vice president of business development.
    • Teams will be “encouraged” to develop podcasts for this new distribution network.

Finally, as predicted, leaked, and slightly feared by Redhirt, the Bengals have indeed changed their uniforms.

  • I’m going to say… not bad.
    • They’ve cleaned up the shoulder stripes & streamlined the colour schemes.
      • They don’t look as much like a test pattern.
      • To paraphrase Norm Peterson, three shirts & two pants is six different looks, so they left one in the bag.
    • To be fair, I wasn’t going to be happy unless they threw back to the 1970s.
  • For some reason they still have the team name on the front, like an Alzheimer’s patient wearing an ID badge in case they get lost.
    • Although given some players CTE, this might actually make sense.

Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Detroit vs Dallas – 7:30pm | NBCSN
    • San Jose vs Vegas – 10:00pm | NHLN
      • History is made tonight as Patrick Marleau passes Gordie Howe for number of regular season games played – 1768.
        • No Cups. Advantage Howe.
  • NBA:
    • Golden State vs Philadelphia – 7:30pm | ESPN / Sportsnet1
    • Phoenix vs Milwaukee – 8:00pm | TSN
    • Utah vs LA Lakers – 10:00pm | ESPN / Sportsnet1
  • MLB:
    • San Francisco at Philadelphia – 7:05pm | MLBN
    • St. Louis at Washington – 7:05pm | MLBN
  • WWE:
    • Monday Night Raw – 8:00pm | USA / Sportsnet360
      • Somehow, they managed to kill all their post-Mania momentum in one week.

No hockey nationally in Canada (again) tonight because Rogers doesn’t have regional rights to the Leafs, Habs, Sens or Jets, and they couldn’t be bothered showing us the Marleau celebration. It’s almost like a duopoly is worse than a monopoly.

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Brick Meathook

The parking lot of my local Ralphs the other day:

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BeefReeferLives

Oooo. Gotta wonder what’s in that trunk…

BrettFavresColonoscopy
BeefReeferLives

…and if anyone knows what a dead hooker in a trunk looks like, it’s Norm MacDonald

Last edited 3 years ago by BeefReeferLives
Downfield Matriculator

Trinette McGoon?

Brick Meathook

Things I bought today:

  • A tankful of Costco gasoline
  • A bowl of ramen
  • 6 Motorcraft SP486 spark plugs
  • Some 9V batteries
  • A micrometer
  • A fogless bathroom shower shaving mirror

And I’m not done yet.

Mr. Ayo

Is that a threat?

Brick Meathook

it is

Doktor Zymm

Next up: parasitic wasps

Brick Meathook

I don’t have any citrus trees but I would like to keep the wasps as pets

BeefReeferLives

Ditto. Except not so much “pets” as “loyal minions to terrorize my enemies”

Last edited 3 years ago by BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives

No blasting caps?

Doktor Zymm

I suddenly want ALL THE PARASITIC WASPS

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Have you tried Connecticut?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

(or hell, most of Westwood, i think)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Alex Smith should enjoy a safe retirement until he rebreaks his leg going to the mailbox

blaxabbath

::Nods::

-Sam Bradford, tearing his ACL

Gumbygirl

I know two people who broke their leg getting out of bed. And they were both in their twenties, so not old and brittle.

BeefReeferLives
Doktor Zymm

He should really go for the bionic legs, like Pistorius, but without the murder, unlike Pistorius

blaxabbath

What’s with the Bengals hastag #NEWS?

herodotus450

I think it stands for “Not Ever Winniing Something (ever again)”

Doktor Zymm

Kappachino, as the Greeks say

Wakezilla

The Bengals always make the most tiniest of changes to their jerseys. It looks like they’re channeling the mid 90s and the early 00s with those things.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rumor has it that today is BrettFavresColonoscopy’s birthday. Raise your glasses!

scotchnaut

Given how old he is, maybe spectacles?

ballsofsteelandfury

What colour does he want his walker?

Doktor Zymm

Lorgnettes even!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You made me google something on my birthday. Well played.

Sharkbait

Cheers BFC!

Wakezilla

Happy birthday BFC!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The finest of miscreants on the internet, this group right here.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Thank you, RTD. So far I’ve celebrated by working a 10 hour day, talking to my mother until i made up an excuse to hang up, and now having some wine and cheese with lady BFC.

BeefReeferLives

Woot!! Hope your next trip around ol Sol is a lot more fun & less weird than this last one!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ll drink to that.

Gumbygirl

Happy Birthday from all of us!

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blaxabbath

Who?

Brick Meathook

Happy Birthday BFC!

Don T

¡Felicidades BFC! Short notice, but found a cake!
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

¡Jajajaja!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Adentro hay sangre negra

ballsofsteelandfury

If I ran UEFA, I’d end the 12 clubs. Just destroy them and their ability to continue as viable businesses. They’re already in debt up to their eyeballs. I would kick them out of every competition, make the contracts of their players null and void, allow the players to leave with no repercussions, and tell them good luck with their little league.

Brick Meathook

Death camps. Give this job to the Germans.

Sharkbait

The Germans were sensible enough to pass on this proposal

Brick Meathook

That’s why they’ll run the death camps with extra efficiency and glee.

scotchnaut

You lost me at Glee. But you do you.

ArmedandHammered

Even the SS think Glee is too cruel.

Last edited 3 years ago by ArmedandHammered
Doktor Zymm

Wasn’t that “Springtime for Hitler” ?

herodotus450

Seems like that would just guarantee that they’d form their own league.

ballsofsteelandfury

Exactly! And they’ll die because no player will want to sign with them because their players will not be allowed to represent their countries in the national teams.

Last edited 3 years ago by ballsofsteelandfury
blaxabbath

Oh no! Please don’t give me millions of dollars and tell me I don’t have to be associated with America!

Doktor Zymm

If I ran UEFA, I would fuck right off to a coral atoll somewhere and ‘work’ through occasional press releases

Doktor Zymm

This whole Deshawn Watson thing is fucked up on so many levels

Dunstan

My prediction (based on nothing in particular): one or two of the accusers will be completely discredited. This will cause many people to assume that they are all lying, which is not a good assumption at all.

Recall that most people found Brett Kavanaugh’s first accused quite credible — even die-hard Republicans tried to come up with alternatives like “she’s just confusing him with some other guy,” or “it was just youthful hijinx and no big deal.” Then Michael Avenatti popped up with some new client with some pretty wild and not-very-credible accusations, which ended up undermining the whole discussion.

It would hardly be surprising if, with the accusations piling up against Watson, some opportunistic liar decided to try to make some money.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t think Avenatti’s scam changed much of anything in the way that everything played out with Kavanaugh. Republicans were 100% committed to Blackout Brett the second he was nominated, and everything else they did or said from that point on was just theater. Anything else would have meant taking a firm stand against Trump, which almost none of them were willing to do even *after* he lost the election and tried to overthrow the government.

Dunstan

Oh, I agree there was almost no chance of derailing the nomination. I just think it changed the tone of the discussion generally.

TheRevanchist

He’s got more accusers than Cosby had (don’t know that for sure). This dude is going to wind up in jail for his shit and I hope the judge nails his ass to the wall for the way he is talking about his accusers.

Gumbygirl

He’s a dumbass who thinks that all masseuses are the rub and tug type. I’m sure he genuinely can’t imagine what the big deal is.

blaxabbath

If the women are telling the truth (a BIG IF), I find it interesting that Watson was turned down for handys/handys+ by 20 Instagram masseuses and still rubbed his hard on against the 21st one. That’s having a short memory, if you ask me.

It’ll be interesting to see with how many masseuses he ended up setting up appointments. 25? 50? 200?

Dunstan

Congrats to Marleau, but let’s bear in mind that Howe played another 419 games in the WHA.

scotchnaut

THIS! And please don’t get me started* about the ABA and the stats of Dr.J, David Thompson, Moses Malone, George Gervin, Dan Issel, Connie Hawkins, Bobby Jones, Larry Kenon, Artis Gilmore, Rick Barry, etc. not being included in their final stat totals.

*I started, didn’t I?

TheRevanchist

https://youtu.be/dQsjAbZDx-4

The ABBA was right about Fernando. That’s all I’m saying.

Dunstan

Rod Laver has “only’ 11 Grand Slam singles titles, because he turned pro after completing the calendar Slam in 1962, and was ineligible to compete again until the Open Era began in 1968. At which point he wins one Slam in ’68, and all four again in ’69.

Pretty sure he would have racked up a few more in those five years in his late 20s….

Gumbygirl

We had the first sports edition of Trivial Pursuit. Our standard hockey answer was Gordie Fucking Howe. You’d be amazed (you wouldn’t be amazed) how often that was the correct answer.

scotchnaut

Holy Fuckballs! Totally forgot about that board game! I actually won serious money (to me, at the time) playing that way back when.

Brick Meathook

The rule for hockey clues in the NY Times Crossword are:

3 letters: ORR
4 letters: HOWE
8 letters: ESPOSITO

GRETZKY is a rarity because of the “Z” but not unheard of.

Doktor Zymm

In pub trivia if they ask for a hockey team it’s almost always the Detroit Red Wings

Redshirt

…”Redhirt”? (googles “hirt”) (sees High Intensity Resistance Training) (laughs hysterically)

Yeah, the jerseys looks good. Also, the Bengals said they purposely kept a 4th uniform combination open, so maybe they are thinking of the 1970s throwbacks when the NFL allows them to wear more than one helmet.

Plus the way they released them seemed so un-Bengal-like. Instead of a boring press conference where the players are hearded out like cattle, we get a hype video that was well produced. The only thing I would’ve had would’ve been Ken Anderson in the stripeless jerseys, Boomer Esiason in the Stripes 1.0 and Chad Johnson in the Stripes 2.0 so they could’ve shown the complete history of the uniforms, but alas COVID-19 robbed us of that.

Cincinnati Bengals on Twitter: “A new look for a new era. Uniting our past with our future. https://t.co/HEDSzVBLdI @Tide | #NewStripes https://t.co/uM7HMwAs7K” / Twitter

tl;dr It’ll look good on Joe Burrow next season when he’s in the Blue Medical Tent getting his leg amputated on the field of battle like its the American Civil War.

blaxabbath

Why do the Steelers and Packers get more than one helmet but the Bengals don’t?

Doktor Zymm

Proportional to the number of SB rings

TheRevanchist

I’m just glad Alex Smith is still alive to have the opportunity to retire. I appreciated his time in KC.

scotchnaut

He’ll have more time to spend with his family-

Smith: “Go Long Buddy!”

Son: [runs 20 yards across the lawn, a big smile on his face]

Smith: [hesitates]

Daughter: [catches 3 yard dump-off pass]

TheRevanchist

After breaking something, his wife will replace him with a younger, more agile, model and Alex will wind up living in another state.

Last edited 3 years ago by TheRevanchist
scotchnaut

/today

Me: “I need to leave work early but if anything at all comes up, call me on my cell as per usual.”

Also Me: [leaves cell phone on desk at work]

King Hippo

I decree this “Alex Smith Can Still Walk Day”

Deep Hippo Thought – what if Pet Shop Boy’s “Love Comes Quickly” was about premature ejaculation? Teh pieces fit!!!111

Viva La Tabula Raza

That was a response song to “I Touch Myself.” Or “Turning Japanese…”