Down the Lesser Stretch We Come (also Day Three NFL Draft Fun)

I have nothing to say about the horsey race, except that it amuses me greatly for its “spectacle” to take place on May Day.  Seize the means of production, Most Glorious Kenfucky Proletariat!

Shempions and NIT Shempions qualification are at the forefront of Premier League headlines, but not in the opening fixture of the day.  Your insmoniac action is “Crown Their Asses Already” City against “Just Happy to Still Be Here” Crystal Palace (7:30, NBCSN).  One assumes Pep’s men will have 90% of the ball, even if they play the walk-ons.

Part el dos is mostly safe mid-Table dwellers, but entertaining ones.  The mad men of Leeds take on the plucky Trashbirds at the AmEx (10:00, NBCSN).  Coming off their Roses Derby, I am expecting a bit of a letdown performance by the visitors.  Do not bet accordingly, Hippo is almost NEVAR right.

Spotlight Dance is beautiful, filled with Litre RAGE (12:30, NBC).  Chelski will feel all Bobby Big Bollocks after their brave performance mid-week in Madrid.  That’s always dangerous, especially against a cornered animal like Mighty Whitey.  It’s also hard to imagine the Trespassers falling out of the Top 4, so motivation could be an issue.  We shall see.

Speaking of Madrd, YES, the Real Cuntafces continue to lead their Quixotic quest to be crowned Bastard Men of the Galaxy.  Barca are still tagging along, with (im)moral support from the brass at Juve and Liverpool (surprise, surprise, Redshite hypocrisy).  As Karmic punishment (which made me laugh uproariously), Barca shat themselves AT HOME to Granada.  They had a game in hand, and a win would have put them ahead of Atleti for the title.  Eat shit, timid motherfuckers.

BALLS NOTE: To be fair (to be fair, to be fair), Real shat the bed last weekend with a tie to Betis at HOME and Atleti shat the bed with a loss to Athletic Bilbao. It seems no one wants the title. I’m actively rooting for Sevilla to take it. It might actually happen too! There are A LOT of games remaining between the contenders so if things go their way, Sevilla and Lopetegui could win the title.

Wouldn’t that be a great F U to Real? ☺️

FINALLY, we get to a European 6-pointer, with Beloved (and likely still Very Disappointing, it’s the hope that kills you) Everton hosting Noted Cunt Jack Grealish and Villa (3:00, Peacock).  Naturally, the best matchup is behind the paywall AND conflicts with the NFL Draft.  Deffo no smire at that.

See y’all in the comments.  And thank fuck for professional Donks WOO!!! management, not taking Mac Jones at #9.  Jesus, that would have done killed me ded.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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scotchnaut

So I went over to a Giants fan site and floated out the idea that because no o-lineman were drafted (which everyone was crying for) that maybe the front office wasn’t fully invested in Saquon Barkley. Holy Fuckballs… Just, wow.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You’re looking for reason there? It’s like looking for intellectual honesty in a conversation with Ted Cruz.

Last edited 3 years ago by BrettFavresColonoscopy
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Or like looking for Ted Cruz during a deadly cold snap in his home state.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s funny, I remember asking for some trivia on a Giants fansite (it was for a post, but I can’t remotely remember what) and they were quite helpful.

yeah right

Holy crap. I took my walk this morning and came home to work on my bathroom sink. It wasn’t draining. I removed the trap and snaked it as far as I could. No dice.
Texted the landlord at noon. Half An hour later he text back and said the plumber was on his way. An hour later plumber was here. 3 minutes later and the sink works perfectly.

At the old place it’s a week easy and 3 visits to get it right.

I like this set up.

yeah right

The old place had a dude who did the first visit and he could never fix anything. We called him “Gilligan.” He would then call our regular guy who was much better but didn’t fix plumbing well.

Anyway, Gilligan was the first person I knew personally who died of COVID and it was real early on. He was a goofball but it still was fucked up. He died real early too. Like late March 2020.

Fuck last year man.

Don T

I’ve updated my Fear of Commitment Scale:

“Yeah, OK” – Meet the other’s kid(s)

“Uh… OK?” – Meet potential in-laws

“Is that wise? I dunno” – moving together

“I’m not opposed in principle. But—look, a pigeon!” – marriage

“NOPE. Have a good life” – matching tattoos

scotchnaut

Jizziants are on the clock!

scotchnaut

I gotta admit, the third Pepperoncini Martini (on top of the beer and scotch) is a game-changer.

Don T

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Horatio Cornblower

Always enjoy the Yankees 7th inning salute to servicemen, where they drag some nonagenarian out there and say, “and here’s Harvey Klempt, who spent 6 years with the Wermacht during WWII, seeing action i…wait, what?”

Dunstan

Geez, bygones already, Horatio.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[by some miracle manages to stand at attention]

– Madison Cawthorn

scotchnaut

The Ravens picked a fullback? I thought they were extinct! [googles] Okay, turns out that fullbacks are critically endangered, not extinct. My bad.

Cecil Rhodes

Fear not, my Scottish friend — fullbacks are still used to great effect in this strange sport. Besides, it seems difficult to fathom how general managers could not favour a position that only the most civilized of gentlemen seem to be able to play (e.g., John Kuhn, Michael Alstott, Patrick Ricard).

Dunstan

What about scatbacks? I feel like we don’t hear enough about scatbacks any more. I always picture some guy carrying the ball while singing “doo-be-doo-be-doo….”

Horatio Cornblower

“I think of something else.”

-literally any German

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Don’t forget about me

-Najeh Davenport

scotchnaut

I don’t want to pour gas on the fire but word has it that Aaron Rodgers wasn’t consulted about the Packers pick of cb Shemar Jean-Charles in the 5th round.

Fronkenshteen

Day after Moderna #2 jab, and I am fucking bedridden. I feel like Richie Aprile drove over me with his SUV. Arm feels like I got hit with a baseball bat. Made it out of bed to coach the U-10 Bulldogs to victory, and slithered under the covers when we got home. Jets seem to be drafting…competently? Hope Saleh can whip the defense into shape, and the U*NC RB has some wheels. Glad DCL just equalized, as the Hippo-rage from down South was palpable up here.

/takes Tylenol
// collapses

Horatio Cornblower

Moderna is supposed to be the worst of the side-effects.

Well, other than J&J being tainted with rat feces and prone to causing brain bleeds, or whatever it is Joe Rogan has been yammering about.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

T-2 hours until we get moderna jab 2….

yeah right

Sleep as long as possible tomorrow morning. Maybe take some advil before bed tonight.

Don T

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scotchnaut

Second Pepperoncini Martini Recipe:

-one small ice cube

-vodka and vermouth

-one jalapeno-stuffed olive(!)

-one very large pepperoncini pepper

Swirl a touch of vermouth in rock glass, toss remnants. Drop a jalapeno-stuffed olive in there. Swirl again. Drop a large pepperoncini pepper in there. Swirl. Add glugs of vodka to taste. Bite off the tip of the pepperocini pepper. Chew. Immerse remaining pepper back into the beverage. Swirl. Drink. Hope that the Giants draft for value with their last picks.

/fin

Dunstan

Thought this was going to be a Pepperoni Martini and I am so disappointed. I’m now just a Super Bowl ring and a drunk driving failson away from being Andy Reid.

scotchnaut

The Rich Eisen crew is fucking around and it’s entertaining.

scotchnaut

As far as Rodgers and Prima donna behavior is concerned, well, he was mentored by the best, wasn’t he?

scotchnaut

Actively cheering for a lousy Bears draft because the Giants have their 1st pick next year.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ve been there.

scotchnaut

It’s been 3 beers, 2 scotches and one martini since the last Giants pick. Can I keep up this pace until they pick again? Probably.*

*Googles ‘Rehab facilities near you’

Wakezilla

Areola putting on a lesser footy clinic today. Shame the rest of Fulham isn’t up for the game.

scotchnaut

Hayden Hurst has been fighting anxiety and depression for three years-no wonder he sucks.

Horatio Cornblower

My son is home and cleaning out his old room and my wife just found his “porn is lame” bumper stickers and said “what the fuck is this shit?”

Parenting: We’re Appalling At It

scotchnaut

If I’m not mistaken, he’s advocating for more porn involving people with useless limbs-you’re doing just fine.

Wakezilla

Did you two ask him what was the name of the girl/boy that he was trying to impress?

Horatio Cornblower

He ordered it off of Xian web-site and sent a bunch of them to his friends, just to annoy them.

Of course, he’s since found out that there’s no getting away from those Xian emails, but that’s his problem.

scotchnaut

Hippo and I have been texting back and forth for a while now AND HE FUCKING CALLED QB IAN BOOK BEING DRAFTED BY PAYTON/SAINTS A HALF HOUR BEFORE IT HAPPENED!

/that is quality predictifying
//I is stunned

Wakezilla

Hippo did a good job reading that pick

scotchnaut

“Bud Light is the perfect draft”? Yes, I know, everyone shits on Bud Light but if I walked into a bar (damn, it’s been so very, very long) and saw a line of taps, that beer wouldn’t even register in my vision. My youngest likes it (yes, I’ve failed him) and if he was with me at that bar I simply would not let him order it.

clint greasewood

I likes it consistent mediocrity, doesn’t matter if you are at an airport bar, truck stop diner or your ex wife’s wedding. You know what you are going to get.

scotchnaut

I’ve no problem drinking it here and there but my point was that if you’ve got a choice of 12 or so beers in a bar (that you wouldn’t ordinarily have access to) you should do some ‘taste testing’. Bud Light is always gonna be around.

Wakezilla

I will say this: Bud Light isn’t bad when paired with spicy Indian food in the Summer.

Horatio Cornblower

I like to drink Bud Light after having sex in a canoe, because they’re both fucking pretty close to water.

Gumbygirl

The Kentucky Derby has two gray horses! WTF!!! How am I supposed to pick? I always pick a gray horse. They NEVAR win, but they are purty!

scotchnaut

I’ve been told that old gray mares aren’t what they used to be. Maybe it’s time to move on…

Gumbygirl

I will never abandon my ridiculous strategy, how dare you!

clint greasewood

Apparently the gray Essential Quality is the favorite .

Gumbygirl

He has no chance, trust me.

Gumbygirl

He’s no Amon Ra St. Brown, but it’s a good name!

Gumbygirl

Brother.

Cecil Rhodes

This pick gave me way more than a half Chuba. It is truly unfortunate that my good friend Jerry Richardson no longer owns this squadron.

Last edited 3 years ago by Cecil Rhodes
Gumbygirl

UAB player goes to the Jaguars. Erm…Go Blazers?

yeah right

How’s the day after vaccine hangover treating you?

Gumbygirl

I really don’t feel bad at all. A little body sore and kind of sniffly, but that could be allergies. If this is as bad as it’s going to get, I am doing alrig!ht.

yeah right

Excellent. Mine sucked but it was only four hours of suckitude and I slept through most of that. Welcome to the double dose club!

Gumbygirl

Thanks, I am very excited, and relieved!

yeah right

That last year plus was an eternity.

Wakezilla

Poor kid is taking a pay cut

scotchnaut

Male Pats fan has ‘bingo wings’, as the prophets foretold.

scotchnaut

Judge and Gettleman must be must be happy with the state of the o-line. Giants fans are going to be furious/panicky.

yeah right

I just hope that Darrisaw kid can plug and play and start every game at left tackle for the next 10 years or so before ending up in the Hall of Fame.

I don’t ask a lot.

Last edited 3 years ago by yeah right
yeah right

Like that Bradberry kid a lot.

yeah right

I’m also partial to Boysenberries.

Horatio Cornblower

I like how all the reports on really good O-lineman are basically, “This guy is a complete psychopath who would be on death row if it weren’t for football.”

yeah right

“With a real nasty streak. A brawler.”

scotchnaut

I grew up watching USC being the dominant/splashy program. So weird that they’ve sucked for so long given all the advantages they have.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They realized that the *real* money is in taking bribes to admit students of wealthy families.

scotchnaut

In the “Most Ridiculous Hat Contest” it’s going to go down to the wire between NFL fans and Kentucky Derby attendees today.

scotchnaut

The Hammer will have his minions burn that chair while he watches from the top floor of his fortress and mumbles, ‘dirty, dirty, peasants’ to himself.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m such a shitty fan. I put on the draft as background while I was working out. It never even *occurred* to me to put on the Celtics game, in which they came back from 32 points down and Jayson Tatum scored 60.

scotchnaut

I’m not sure you’re that shitty a fan, but you do oscillate back and forth though.

Brick Meathook

Speaking of the NFL Draft and horse racing, here’s a video of an unassisted triple-play (rarer than a perfect game, it even fools the announcers) that came up in a crossword blog today:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXJuw4Rd0ck

Last edited 3 years ago by Brick Meathook
scotchnaut

One thing about following a talent-bereft team like the Giants is that it pays to watch the entire draft, given that a two 7th rounders started games at lb and another started at edge last year. (also, some UDFA’s started at o-line and wr)

Horatio Cornblower

I watched baseball and continued to trek through ‘Halt & Catch Fire’, (no, you have a crush on Donna), instead of watching the draft last night and from what I can tell on Twitter, the Non-Gendered Cowpersons of Dallas really missed my guidance, as no one seems to be a fan of their third-round shenanigans.

Last edited 3 years ago by Horatio Cornblower
scotchnaut

She’s a balmy 4 degrees out there so I guess it’s hiking time. [shudders]

scotchnaut

Damn, I love what the Giants are doing in the draft. They found a slot corner, (rookie Holmes struggled badly learning a new position last year) got a dynamic playmaker which they haven’t had since OBJ left and secured help at the Edge spot. Plus they now have 10 picks next year including the Bears 1st.

I do worry about Team though-they’ve added more pieces to an already excellent D and I shudder to think what wr McLaurin will be able to do now that he has a competent qb to work with in Fitzmagic. The former can now show off his complete skillset with a qb that loves taking deep shots.

Fuckballs! Can’t wait for the season to start.

BeefReeferLives

Indeed. Th draft makes the world seem bright with possibilities. “Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-08O2DUjRo

Last edited 3 years ago by BeefReeferLives