Good morning. As with most authors of these posts, I am stealing the format that has come before me.

We’re on the verge of the greatest international sports summer ever! We have:

• Copa América
• Euro 2020
• CONCACAF Gold Cup
• Tokyo Olympic Games

And it all starts on June 11, 2021 with the European Soccer (Football) championships aka Euro 2020!

Yes, it is 2021 but they decided to keep the name, ok?

From now until the tourney starts, we’ll be giving you previews for every country in Euro 2020, DFO-style, of course. We will also provide previews of all the Copa América countries as the Copa América starts on June 13, 2021 right after Euro 2020 starts.

Euro 2020 will be broadcast in English on ESPN in the United States and on TSN in Canada. Univisión has the Spanish language rights in the US and TVA has the French language rights in Canada. I don’t have the handy schedule imbedded because I have no idea how to do it nor interest in figuring out how to copy it over from the Devil’s template – block editor.

Today’s team is: Russia

Country ‘Fun’ Facts:

Oops, that’s the wrong clip. This appears to be a military parade from 1945. Lemme try this again.

Oh, sorry. That’s from 1974. How about this one…

Whoops. That’s 1985. There must surely be a more modern example of today’s Russia available…

These fucking people.

Anyway, if they aren’t marching in line or poisoning opposition critics, Russia is a land dominated by dualities. Joseph Brodsky wrote that Russia combines “the complexes of a superior nation” with “the great inferiority complex of a small country.” To further this narrative, Benjamin Moser claims Russia is a nation “so tardily arrived at the banquet of European civilization, its mentality makes the world’s biggest country strangely provincial.” In other words, they feel slighted that they weren’t considered a valid member of the European hierarchy of nations, yet when they forced their way into that club their subsequent actions validated that ostracism.

This duality is evinced by their recent football history. They have tried hard to develop players that can compete on the international level, but cannot escape the fact that their fans have surpassed the English in terms of hooliganism and violence. Cities dread the arrival of Russian fans because they bring with them the arrogance of their country’s size, the ostentation of the corrupt wealth their trash tourists bring with them when they visit, and the pugnaciousness of frustration at seeing their team get whupped by much smaller countries. Because their teams have been so bad, the victory is claimed in the ensuing chaos. And even if something goes wrong, it’s not like a French or Dutch prison is likely to be worse than a Russian one. The politicians curry this nationalist vote with glee. “I don’t see anything wrong with the fans fighting,” tweeted Igor Lebedev, deputy chairman of the Russian parliament in 2018, after the last World Cup. “Quite the opposite: well done lads, keep it up!”

Nothing epitomizes the modern kleptocracy that is Russia like its leader, former KGB agent & current KHL goal scoring leader Vladimir Putin.

A servant of the people who also apparently owns a billion-dollar palace on the Black Sea,

with a branch of the Russian military apparently distorting the signals of the Global Navigation Satellite Systems to keep the residence from appearing on navigation maps & drones from being able to access the airspace in the vicinity. When you eventually hear stories about container ships crashing into the Sochi airport runway, this is why.

Team Schedule:

Russia is in Group B with Finland, Belgium, and Denmark. All times Eastern:

• Belgium vs Russia (3:00pm, St Petersburg)
• Finland vs Russia (9:00am, St Petersburg)
• Russia vs Denmark (3:00pm, Copenhagen)

Team Preview / Top Players:

Mário Fernandes, Brazilian-born but Russian passport-carrying.

A Portuguese-speaking Russian football captain is what happens when you originally get selected to the Brazilian team but get so drunk celebrating it that you miss the flight & your club contract gets sold to a Russian team as punishment, so you decide to spite the Brazilian coach by saying you’ll play for Russia which you can do because you only ever played friendlies for Brazil meaning that Vladimir Putin can fast-track your citizenship in time for the World Cup your adopted country is hosting after bribing the governing body of the sport you play for that privilege.

Y’know – just like how Pele joined the NY Cosmos.

Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot [Country] food”:

It’s never a good sign when your cuisine is described as,

• The most classic Russian recipes are made of veggies and wheat, such as soups, porridges, and stuffed dough.
• Only a few dishes of Russian cuisine have received international renown.
• The recipes made from these sometimes bland ingredients derived their notable flavor from the addition of many dried herbs.
• Russia may not be the first to come to mind when you think of a food destination.

and most every “Top 10” list starts with borscht,

which is a fine soup but something Bourdain once described as, “a soup you might have previously equated with dishwater”.

Beerguy, Have you ever been to this country?

I have not. I hear St. Petersburg is nice, and the history major in me would like to visit some battlefields, but as long as I’m married to a Latvian & the country appears to be run along the lines of a “Hostel” movie I don’t think I’ll be paying the $160 (USD) for a visitor’s visa anytime soon.

Why you should root for this country?

You should not. Their government cheats at everything, carrying on the great Soviet strategy of using sports victories as propaganda to support the Soviet/communist system. (If you think I’m wrong, there are still some basketball silver medals sitting in a Munich vault you can ask Doug Collins about.) My greatest wish is that they lose every game 7-0 and their swift exit leads to great shame for Vladimir Putin, who will no doubt retaliate against each country that defeated them by having his bot-army shut down their electrical grid sometime this winter.

Прогноз / Prognoz

Third place. Belgium is the class of the group & should finish first by a comfortable goal margin. The battle for second will be between Denmark & Russia. The sleeper game will be the Winter War (in summer!) between Russia & Finland, which will decide who finishes last. To get my point, catch up on Historical Badass Simo Hayha by reading Maestro’s fine account of this man’s awesomeness. If they were playing this game in Helsinki, you’d see dozens of pictures & flags of this man.

In conclusion, I believe the Rus– hold on. There’s a noise coming from the bedroom. Lemme just go check this out…

[Door Flies Open]

“Hello Comrade. We were sent to ‘encourage’ you to make a fair assessment of our team’s chances.”

Well, it appears I may have judged the Russians too harshly. Let’s re-examine their strategy for winning this tournament…