Hola DFOers!
I am Neymar, and I am doing the Brasil Copa America 2021 preview. As you know, we’re on the verge of the greatest international sports summer ever! We have:
Copa América. . . Well, maybe not with us
Euro 2020. . .Well, it might start late, as Spain has some issues
Tokyo Olympic Games (one year late; same country). Well, maybe. There are a lot of doctors in Japan calling for the Olympics to get cancelled
But at least the CONCACAF Gold Cup (one week late; same country) is going on without a hitch. You should watch this is you follow the Premier League. Canada has a handful of players that are linked to Premier clubs.
I bet you’re thinking, ‘why is Neymar doing this Brasil preview when Brasil may not ever participate and there are other things going on in his life? 
Dawg, that’s absolute bullshit! Do you remember the last time I was accused of this? Yeah, her ass is about to get thrown in jail. No one in Brasil believes I’m guilty, and neither should you. If Brasilians believed I was guilty, they would get politicians to demand I not play. And the only politicians demanding I not play is because of Brasil’s lack of vaccinations.
But here’s the real reason why I’m not guilty.
My real, full name is, Neymar da Silva-McPoyle Santos Júnior. You’re probably wondering how I have McPoyle in my name, right?
To make a long story short, there was a trade deficit between Portugal and Britain when the Methuen Treaty was enforced after the war of Spanish Succession, which ended in 1714. As a result, Portugal redirected most of the gold mined in Brazil during the 18th century to Britain. To ensure everything went smoothly, my 4th great Grandpappy, Hoyle McPoyle, was in Brasil to watch the gold leave the mines of Brasil and load up on British boats. While Hoyle was there, he came across my 4th great Grand-mammy.
They fell in love right away. He immediately began teaching her the McPoyle lifestyle. That involves embracing mother’s bosom for milk, and to make the family bloodline be pure and clean for all of eternity. Mi familia became part of the McPoyles, who once had legions of thousands sturdy, and we ruled the Americas until syphilis killed about half of us, and mongoloidism got most of the rest. My family became the only McPoyles in Brasil, so I dropped the McPoyle surname. The rest live somewhere in America.
But I must incest on telling you the true reason as to why I didn’t commit that act. I didn’t do it because of this:
To make a long story short, there was a trade deficit between Portugal and Britain when the Methuen Treaty was enforced after the war of Spanish Succession, which ended in 1714. As a result, Portugal redirected most of the gold mined in Brazil during the 18th century to Britain. To ensure everything went smoothly, my 4th great Grandpappy, Hoyle McPoyle, was in Brasil to watch the gold leave the mines of Brasil and load up on British boats. While Hoyle was there, he came across my 4th great Grand-mammy.
They fell in love right away. He immediately began teaching her the McPoyle lifestyle. That involves embracing mother’s bosom for milk, and to make the family bloodline be pure and clean for all of eternity. Mi familia became part of the McPoyles, who once had legions of thousands sturdy, and we ruled the Americas until syphilis killed about half of us, and mongoloidism got most of the rest. My family became the only McPoyles in Brasil, so I dropped the McPoyle surname. The rest live somewhere in America.
But I must incest on telling you the true reason as to why I didn’t commit that act. I didn’t do it because of this:
I only have eyes for my sister, Rafaella. She is my blood, she is my life. She is pure and clean, unlike all those other unpure women out there.
Keeping it in the familia is quite common in Brasil. Let me tell you an ongoing murder case that’s happening right now in Brasil. It’s about a “family” that is very. . . unique to Brasil. It involves a woman who adopts a boy, ends up marrying and then having him killed by her other sons and grandchildren.
Flordelis dos Santos de Souza is a federal deputy from the state of Rio de Janeiro. She was previously known for her work as a church leader (and for having 55 – yes, fifty-five – children. The vast majority of them adopted). Prior to working as a politician, Flordelis was kind of like the Britney Spears of church music, but famous in Brasil as if she were Britney Spears. In 1993, she met Anderson do Carmo, whom she eventually adopted. Anderson then began a relationship with Flordelis’ biological daughter, Simone. They eventually broke up and Flordelis married Anderson.
According to the police, there was deep, intense internal conflict within the family. Anderson held power over the family’s finances and Flordelis’ political career. He was supposedly very controlling about both money and household chores.
Flordelis wanted out.
She texted one of her sons “What can I do? I can’t get a divorce, that would scandalize the name of God”
But apparently, murder wouldn’t. So here’s how it all played out:
There were six attempts at poisoning Anderson by sneaking arsenic into his meals.
The “first generation” of adoptees (8 people) had better food and accommodations in the house. Flordelis and her chosen group of favorites would speak in a secret made-up language so all the 40-odd others wouldn’t understand them. For the remaining, the relationship with Flordelis was far from motherly. Most said they felt used. A select group within the family were considered to be “fallen angels” by Anderson, and Flordelis’ duty (as… a Cherub) was to “save them”. Anderson would also allegedly ask for Flordelis’ “permission” to have sex with one of their teenage daughters. One witness described how Flordelis and Anderson would have sex with their children and treat the adoptions as nothing but personal marketing. They had no income and lived off donations.
Lucas, the son arrested for the murder, told the police Flordelis had a baseball bat at home to hit whoever she deemed was misbehaving.
Keeping it in the familia is quite common in Brasil. Let me tell you an ongoing murder case that’s happening right now in Brasil. It’s about a “family” that is very. . . unique to Brasil. It involves a woman who adopts a boy, ends up marrying and then having him killed by her other sons and grandchildren.
Flordelis dos Santos de Souza is a federal deputy from the state of Rio de Janeiro. She was previously known for her work as a church leader (and for having 55 – yes, fifty-five – children. The vast majority of them adopted). Prior to working as a politician, Flordelis was kind of like the Britney Spears of church music, but famous in Brasil as if she were Britney Spears. In 1993, she met Anderson do Carmo, whom she eventually adopted. Anderson then began a relationship with Flordelis’ biological daughter, Simone. They eventually broke up and Flordelis married Anderson.
According to the police, there was deep, intense internal conflict within the family. Anderson held power over the family’s finances and Flordelis’ political career. He was supposedly very controlling about both money and household chores.
Flordelis wanted out.
She texted one of her sons “What can I do? I can’t get a divorce, that would scandalize the name of God”
But apparently, murder wouldn’t. So here’s how it all played out:
There were six attempts at poisoning Anderson by sneaking arsenic into his meals.
The “first generation” of adoptees (8 people) had better food and accommodations in the house. Flordelis and her chosen group of favorites would speak in a secret made-up language so all the 40-odd others wouldn’t understand them. For the remaining, the relationship with Flordelis was far from motherly. Most said they felt used. A select group within the family were considered to be “fallen angels” by Anderson, and Flordelis’ duty (as… a Cherub) was to “save them”. Anderson would also allegedly ask for Flordelis’ “permission” to have sex with one of their teenage daughters. One witness described how Flordelis and Anderson would have sex with their children and treat the adoptions as nothing but personal marketing. They had no income and lived off donations.
Lucas, the son arrested for the murder, told the police Flordelis had a baseball bat at home to hit whoever she deemed was misbehaving.
But Flordelis wanted none of the blame.
She promised Luan, yet another son, a trip to the US if he gave up trying to take her in. To Lucas, she promised a more comfortable stay in prison if he told investigators she was not involved.
In case you’re wondering, is Flordelis arrested?
Nope! She’s a federal deputy which means under Brazilian law, that she has a whole lot of privilege when it comes to trials. She also happens to hang out with President Bolsonaro and his family–particularly his sons. So, good luck ever trying to persecute Flordelis in jail.
Now my feelings towards Rafa doesn’t seem all that bad now, does it?
With that out of the way, lets get to previewing my squad.
Goaltending. Goaltending is guaranteed to play well at this tournament like me attending Rafa’s birthday during futbol season. How can you blame me for going? She’s my sister! We party hard, Rafa has too much to drink and then all off a sudden she’s in her birthday suit. Tee hee. Allison and Ederson are fantastic goalies. Whomever is in net gives us a chance to win.
Our defence, which consists of Marquinhos, Eder Militao, Lucas Verissimo, Thiago Silva, Renan Lodi, Alex Sandro, Danilo, and Dani Alves, is a lot like my sister in a bikini. See?
She promised Luan, yet another son, a trip to the US if he gave up trying to take her in. To Lucas, she promised a more comfortable stay in prison if he told investigators she was not involved.
In case you’re wondering, is Flordelis arrested?
Nope! She’s a federal deputy which means under Brazilian law, that she has a whole lot of privilege when it comes to trials. She also happens to hang out with President Bolsonaro and his family–particularly his sons. So, good luck ever trying to persecute Flordelis in jail.
Now my feelings towards Rafa doesn’t seem all that bad now, does it?
With that out of the way, lets get to previewing my squad.
Goaltending. Goaltending is guaranteed to play well at this tournament like me attending Rafa’s birthday during futbol season. How can you blame me for going? She’s my sister! We party hard, Rafa has too much to drink and then all off a sudden she’s in her birthday suit. Tee hee. Allison and Ederson are fantastic goalies. Whomever is in net gives us a chance to win.
Our defence, which consists of Marquinhos, Eder Militao, Lucas Verissimo, Thiago Silva, Renan Lodi, Alex Sandro, Danilo, and Dani Alves, is a lot like my sister in a bikini. See?
Kind of like how she has my eyes tattood on her arms, letting everyone know I’m watching them and defending my territory, that’s exactly what this excellent defence is doing when the ball is in our end. Just like our defense, Rafa’s so sexy, it’s not even fair. No chrome.
Now, as for our midfielders, we’re fucked. Our starting three is supposed to be Casemiro, Fabinho, and Fred, with Douglas Luiz, Everton Ribeiro, Lucas Paqueta, and Everton on the bench. What the fuck is this shit about?
Casemiro is great, but he’s also the most vocal about boycotting the Copa America. As for Fred? FRED? I’ve got a joke about Fred, but just like my love for Rafa, I’m think I’ll keep that joke within my family.
Lets look at what Manchester United fans think about Fred:
Now, as for our midfielders, we’re fucked. Our starting three is supposed to be Casemiro, Fabinho, and Fred, with Douglas Luiz, Everton Ribeiro, Lucas Paqueta, and Everton on the bench. What the fuck is this shit about?
Casemiro is great, but he’s also the most vocal about boycotting the Copa America. As for Fred? FRED? I’ve got a joke about Fred, but just like my love for Rafa, I’m think I’ll keep that joke within my family.
Lets look at what Manchester United fans think about Fred:
Why does fred fucking shoot , swear this guy isn’t Brazilian
— Sam (@UTD_Waltz) March 18, 2021
Someone needs check Fred's passport 🤦🏽♂️ this guy isn't Brazilian 🤦🏽♂️
— ايوب 🏀4️⃣ 2️⃣ (@24_Kins) April 11, 2021
Fred isn't Brazilian. He literally can't be
— Dan (@HaizEsque) March 21, 2021
Someone check Fred's passport because even a drug smuggling gangster from a Brazilian favela can pass, shoot and defend better than him. How the bloody hell was he on the pitch for 84 minutes. Fucking bollocks
— Adithya Narayanan (@_dcypher_) March 21, 2021
Holy shit. Maybe it would be best for us to boycott the Copa America after all.
Lets look at the forwards:
Lets look at the forwards:
We have me, Gabriel Jesus, Vinicius Junior, Richarlison, Roberto Firmino, & Gabriel Barbosa (Gabi). Kind of like how sis and I like to roleplay during Halloween, this offensive attack is something that it’s not, which is not good.
How the hell am I still stuck again with Gabriel Jesus and Firminio as my wings? Gabby Jesus is the Brazilian Titus Bramble and Firminio lacks so much offensive punch, Liverpool fans says it’s because he plays too much defense. Vinicius Jr is a young kid who still needs to work on his accuracy, and Richarlison plays for a team that has the word “Disappointing” infront of them. Gabi is 24 and still playing in Brasil, so you know he’s the token player on this team to promote the domestic league.
How the hell am I still stuck again with Gabriel Jesus and Firminio as my wings? Gabby Jesus is the Brazilian Titus Bramble and Firminio lacks so much offensive punch, Liverpool fans says it’s because he plays too much defense. Vinicius Jr is a young kid who still needs to work on his accuracy, and Richarlison plays for a team that has the word “Disappointing” infront of them. Gabi is 24 and still playing in Brasil, so you know he’s the token player on this team to promote the domestic league.
Final thoughts:
This tournament has a 2001 or Centenario feel to it. For those of you who don’t know, both those tournaments had a ton of football minnows have tons of success at the expense of powerhouse nations. Shit, I may not even be playing, my teammates want to boycott the tournament and Brasilian citizens are pissed off.
I’d be shocked if this squad makes it to the semis because as this roster shows, we’re clearly not taking this tournament seriously.
Thank you for watching. I’m ‘Not Guilty’ Neymar.
Ciao for now.
This tournament has a 2001 or Centenario feel to it. For those of you who don’t know, both those tournaments had a ton of football minnows have tons of success at the expense of powerhouse nations. Shit, I may not even be playing, my teammates want to boycott the tournament and Brasilian citizens are pissed off.
I’d be shocked if this squad makes it to the semis because as this roster shows, we’re clearly not taking this tournament seriously.
Thank you for watching. I’m ‘Not Guilty’ Neymar.
Ciao for now.
Brazilian team not playing while the Copa’s been moved to Brazil would be peak hilarity. And/or riots.
Based on the news over the past 3-5 days, I have a feeling that behind the scenes, the players are refusing to play and Bolsonaro is trying to negotiate with them. Too many reporters are stating that Brazil is dropping out for there to not be any smoke
Fuck me this was wonderful!
-Neymar’s sister, after he comes home early
–I guess. I’ve never heard this story before
—what the fuck?
McPoyle clan 4eva!!!
McPoyle rules!
btw, I found this channel very educational as far as the Euros (and tactics, and history) are concerned.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phJX8SA5P5A&ab_channel=TifoFootball
https://m.imgur.com/No9yZTe
Holy shit – when did imgur start working on this-here site?
I guess Internet Dad really earned that last pack of smokes
That was convoluted as hell, but I learned some things. Would read again.*
*pretty much required
This was the Zack Snyder Director’s cut
This preview cut Everton DEEP.
Unlike 2014 Neymar, this Neymar finished the thing he started. Well done.