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Sabado European Euros Fever Thread

King Hippo

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Is everyone all excite?  I know y’all is.  All times EST, because fuck you, I am the author today.

Wales v. Switzerland in Baku (9:00, ESPN)

Is Baku really a place, or did someone make that shit up?  Fuck if I know, man.  The asshole Swiss, when not busy hiding Nazi gold, tend to set up defensively and bore the opposition to death.  As you know from our delightful previews, Wales is all about sheep shagging Chrisitian Bale a/k/a in HippoSpeak Princess Leia.  I’m feeling Draw.

Denmark v. Finland in Copenhagen (Noon, ESPN)

Is it patently unfair that Pukki Party has to play a “road fixture” despite already being the underdog?  Sure.  Welcome to the real world, especially since ESPN is involved.  This could be a Draw, but if the Danes strike early, things could get out of hand quickly.

Belgium v. Russia in St. Petersburg (3:00, ABC)

Good Lord, is this the middle of the night in Rooskie-land?  St. Petersburg is likely farther west than my pill-addled mind imagines.  Anyway, it’s all about the TV moneys, and the most eyes will be on the flashy Belgians (led my former Everton wonderkid Romelu Lukaku).  There will be goals in this one, maybe like 5-3.  Bet the over.

Anything else on your mind?  Will the erstwhile colonial power Cecil Rhodes appear in the Clubhouse?  Tune in to find out!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It looked like the medic was doing CPR. This is bad.

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Cecil Rhodes

The defibrillator is out. Holy crap.

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King Hippo

yikes, how do you even play the second half now?

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Horatio Cornblower

I don’t think you can.

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scotchnaut

They’ve been doing it for awhile. Shit.

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scotchnaut

Oh shit. Something’s wrong.

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Mr. Ayo

WTF!

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scotchnaut

CPR. Oh fuck.

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King Hippo

my attention drifted, wha happen? I see that it’s Eriksen

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Horatio Cornblower

There was a hard fall, not sure how, and even initially he was down on the ground and twitching. Now they’re doing CPR.

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Cecil Rhodes

Yikes.

Last edited 4 years ago by Cecil Rhodes
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Horatio Cornblower

They’re doing CPR on him. They need to cut away from this ASAP.

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King Hippo

Reminder – you get a Most Glorious FIVE matches tomorrow, thanks to Los Sudamericano Euros

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Horatio Cornblower

/Covid-19 rubs it’s hands together gleefully

We’ll see about that!

1
Horatio Cornblower

A Finnish soccer player with a hockey background is the equivalent of an NFL TE with a basketball background.

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King Hippo

lookit all them pale Jimmy Grahams running about!

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Dunstan

Soccer announcers saying “ice hockey” are the equivalent of us calling soccer “lesser footy.”

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scotchnaut

And if he went to Haarvard? Forget about it.

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Horatio Cornblower

It’s the Yale of Helsinki

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

FINNISH PLAYER: [collapses to the ground bleeding from his nose]

ANNOUNCER: Hard to see who made contact…

SOCCER BALL: [slinks away, hands in pockets, whistling]

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Cecil Rhodes

These Karelian pies are a favourite among Finns. I feel like I’ve seen these things before, but perhaps not at the dinner table.

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Horatio Cornblower

THEY SHOOT REINDEER, DON’T THEY!?

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Doktor Zymm

It’s much more humane than making reindeer sausage while they’re still alive

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King Hippo

but not nearly as erotic obvs

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King Hippo

Lots of dead on the pitch, but one expects a mighty nation like Finland to have a deep bench.

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Horatio Cornblower

Jesus, this almost aged terribly.

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Horatio Cornblower

At this rate we’re going to have 22 minutes of injury time added to the half.

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Horatio Cornblower

“Terrific fans here in Copenhagen….”
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scotchnaut

I’ve no ikea where you’re going with this.

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Horatio Cornblower

We regret to inform you that the Belgium-Russia game has been canceled, as somehow someone spilled Novichok all over the Belgian locker room.

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Dunstan

Well, that could have been anyone…

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

BORIS JOHNSON: We’ll never know who did this.

VLADIMIR PUTIN: It was me.

BORIS JOHNSON: Well, we’ll never *do* anything about it, so…

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scotchnaut

Not sure about the floe of this Nordic tilt-it’s bordering on glacial.

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herodotus450

Finland really can’t afjord to give up more chances like that.

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scotchnaut

Was only able to run for 35 minutes before knee pain flared up. I told you I was chasing mediocrity.

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Horatio Cornblower

Right there with you. The last time I tried to run I got a half mile and had to turn back.

1
scotchnaut

Yeah, the last time I didn’t listen to a muscle twinge I hobbled around the warehouse for about 10 days.

Me: [looks out the rear exit of the building, trying to gauge the weather]

Worker Guy: “Thinking about going for another run, Mr. Scotch?”

Other Guys: [gales of laughter]

Me: [mutters to self, limps back to office]

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King Hippo

ONLY. 35 minutes?? way 2 humblebrag bruh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Chasing Mediocrity” sounds like it would be a good name for a movie about a guy who falls in love with a day shift stripper.

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ballsofsteelandfury

How the fuck is there a Finn named O’Shaughnessy??

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Probably the child of a war bride from when Ireland colonized them.

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Dunstan

Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

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Cecil Rhodes

The Empire has traces everywhere, my friend. That said, I would like to check the passport of #6 on the Finnish squad. He does not appear to possess any of the traits that are distinctly Finnish.

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Horatio Cornblower

Probably one of those filthy Lapps.

/apparently “Lapp” is a legit slur for the Sami people of the Scandanavian north, something I literally learned within the last year.

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scotchnaut

Tbh, I was really disappointed the last time I got a Lapp dance in Oslo.

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Brick Meathook

34000 feet above Dodge City Kansas at 456 knots, tracking 258°

Turning the yogurt controls airspeed:

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Doktor Zymm

Normal lookin! Truly we have entered the end of covid times

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Dunstan

Well, my glorious reign in first place (tied with 20-some others) is ended. That’ll teach me to count on the Welsh.

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Cecil Rhodes

Lots of matches still to be played, my good man. The quest to establish Rhodesia was not carried out overnight (though I certainly tried my best!).

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Horatio Cornblower

Just took down the American flag from in front of the house, and am now flying the Danish flag that I remembered we had.

SPIL DAG JAEVLA!!!

(if Google translate is correct, that’s Game Day, motherfuckers! in Danish)
((Not actually all that invested, but I had the flag))
(((and if you have a flag…)))

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTduy7Qkvk8

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[shows up at Horatio’s door]

“Yes, I was informed there were danishes here?”

– Coach Andy

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Horatio Cornblower

“I will give you all the Danish you want if you can get your kid’s car out of my living room.”

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scotchnaut

Welp, my relentless quest for mediocrity continues-I’m going for a run.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Will 70 year old shirtless dude be there? Will he embarrass Scotchy?

Stay tuned!

Last edited 4 years ago by ballsofsteelandfury
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scotchnaut

Shirtless Joe Jackson was a no-show. I think I went too early.

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Horatio Cornblower

I just saw a stat on the crawl that can’t be real: Jacob deGrom has allowed 4 ER this season, and has 5 RBI.

That is insane.

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scotchnaut

I think his ERA is .62. That’s almost as low as my IQ!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I call bullshit. Anyone with an IQ that low would know that it rounds down to an even zero.

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Cecil Rhodes

1-1 draw. Just as the Swiss wanted. Next up, a clash between two notoriously reserved nations that would have been part of the same team during WW2. Who will triumph in this battle of Baltic brethren?

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King Hippo

TRUE HIPPO FACT, as we enter quasi-Scandinavia – Pretend Man City currently has two Swedes in the side. Both are Black.

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Horatio Cornblower

Well, if it comes to which team has the better snipers in their attack, I’m betting on the Finns, even if family lore has us being part Danish.

/Yes, yes, point at my midsection and get those Entemann’s jokes in early and often.

https://i.insider.com/5603ea6e9dd7cc1b008bccbf?width=700

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King Hippo

Italy has, per expectations, taken control of the Body Hair Group.

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Horatio Cornblower

I suspect that everyone in Group A is going to try to beat the hell out of the Turks, then play conservatively against everyone else.

A sound strategy, unless you’re bogged down on the Gallipoli peninsula.

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King Hippo

a history lesson, and one of Hippo’s favoUrite songs of the last decade:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knHvi4A8v9Q

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scotchnaut

If this score stays the same, I’m willing to give Welsh keeper Ward an extra orange slice post-game.

2
King Hippo

takes a bounce in the 18

/Mark Chmura has entered the chat

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King Hippo

ÖRGRYTE IS VS JÖNKÖPINGS SÖDRA IF

/is what I am presently GAMBLOR HAILING

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clint greasewood

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scotchnaut

“Hi Everybody!”

-VAR

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King Hippo

VAR time!!

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Horatio Cornblower

That’s getting VAR’d to hell and back.

1
King Hippo

Obvs enough that even Mark Clattenberg noticed!

1
Horatio Cornblower

“Granit Xhaka with the foul”

/Horatio’s left eye starts twitching.

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King Hippo

Welsh fans in incomprehensible song, he means.

1
clint greasewood

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Horatio Cornblower

/Stands for what he assumes is the Welsh National Llgywmnm

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Cecil Rhodes

No matter what you do, the British Empire always comes through. A just equalizer from the sheep shaggers.

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King Hippo

I guess if one is a sheep, and there’s a Welshman standing behind ye…better for him to be happy drunk than angry drunk?

1
Horatio Cornblower

God, I loathe short corners, but that was a thing of beauty.

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Horatio Cornblower

“When you’re 6’5″, and you’re a big boy, and you go down that easily….”

Consider the signal lit.
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Horatio Cornblower

Literally dozens of enthusiastic fans here in Baku to see this tilt.

1
King Hippo

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clint greasewood

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Last edited 4 years ago by clint greasewood
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Cecil Rhodes

Well, that wasn’t very neutral. 1-0 to the Swiss, though I would like to double check that striker’s passport.

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Horatio Cornblower

He’s from the south of Switzerland.

The far south.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Holy shit, how coked up is the play-by-play guy?

1
Fronkenshteen

Why am I picturing both announcers being handed juice boxes right now?

1
King Hippo

Give ’em the purple stuff, save the Sunny D for the A pairing

3
Fronkenshteen

Yeah, they certainly didn’t send anyone expendable to Azerbaijan, did they? That’s a message.

2
Horatio Cornblower

One of them sounds like A-Rod, and if A-Rod were to meet his demise at the hands of an angry Baku mob, thus keeping him from ruining Sunday Night Baseball for me, well, I’m not exactly going to lead a boycott of Azerbaijani goods as a result.

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Cecil Rhodes

My word, did Puma hire the blind to design those Swiss uniforms? They are truly appalling.

1
clint greasewood

Same template used for Italy’s away white uniforms.

1
Don T

Bale has a free kick spell drier than Queen Elizabeth.

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King Hippo

Everyone expects pace and stamina to decrease with senior citizen footballers…but “fine motor” skill certainly does as well. Otherwise, why would you need an old bastard division for pro golf?

1
ballsofsteelandfury

The Senior Tour should have every player driving his own golf cart instead of using caddies. There should also be a 6 pack of Coors Light in each cart that must be drunk before the end of the round or else the player is disqualified.

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Horatio Cornblower

I feel the same way about NASCAR.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ah yes, the redneck version of the All-Drug Olympics.

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Cecil Rhodes

This Emmental cheese that my manservant used for my appetizer fondue is delicious. However, just like this Swiss side, it is soft and rather pungent. Time for these Welsh barbarians to take advantage.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Springbok fondue is tricky. Hard to get good help these days. Nice to see your man was up to the task.

2
scotchnaut

Oof! Great save by the Swiss keeper.

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King Hippo

He’s a shrimpy, Jason Schwartzman look-alike, no less. Good for him!

0
clint greasewood

When did Ben Shapiro start to do the ESPN commentary?

Last edited 4 years ago by clint greasewood
1
scotchnaut

Is he rambling on about the Smoot-Hawley Tariff again?

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I can’t wait for him to comment on a game played in the rain. “Look at how wet they are!” he’ll exclaim, “I guess I was wrong about that, it *is* possible.”

0
clint greasewood

The person who got the front row seat must be delighted to be just 100 yards from the touchline.

3
King Hippo

On the plus side, this 6’2″ Hippo appreciates all the legroom.

0
scotchnaut

“Soccer? BORRRRRING! [turns to CVS cashier] Excuse me miss, where are the Magnum condoms?”

-ghost of tWBS, multitasking in heaven

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King Hippo

There’s apparently heavy wind, meaning you really took the smart chore window. Such prescience is why we hold you in such high esteem (plus the drinking and hobo disposal obvs).

0
King Hippo

Everybody talks about how hard these last 15 months have been for “essential” workers…but nobody mentions the intense strain felt by the world’s pervy cameramen.

2
King Hippo

One of the “stars” of Sunderland Til I Die is on this morning’s ESPN panel!

1
Cecil Rhodes

Good morning, fellow empire builders. Well, here we are — a battle between two of Europe’s most forgettable nations (we English have never held Wales in high regard). It is challenging to conjure up support for either of these global footnotes — I suppose that I must throw my support behind Switzerland for their highly civilized approach to banking. Time to get the manservant to prepare some springbok fondue.

6
King Hippo

Just so much delightfulness that it’s hard to unpack it all.

0
Don T

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scotchnaut

If someone wagers on Wales and loses, is it okay to welsh on the bet?

3
scotchnaut

After Wiki-ing the history of Baku, well they’ve thrown out both the Jews and the Armenians at different times, so there’s that.

1
herodotus450

Equal opportunity persecution

1
scotchnaut

I have a bit more respect for a community that has a hatred of more than just one ethnicity. It’s so easy to focus on just one. Get out there and develop a more well-rounded, varied hate, make an effort. smgdh…

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