Is everyone all excite? I know y’all is. All times EST, because fuck you, I am the author today.
Wales v. Switzerland in Baku (9:00, ESPN)
Is Baku really a place, or did someone make that shit up? Fuck if I know, man. The asshole Swiss, when not busy hiding Nazi gold, tend to set up defensively and bore the opposition to death. As you know from our delightful previews, Wales is all about sheep shagging Chrisitian Bale a/k/a in HippoSpeak Princess Leia. I’m feeling Draw.
Denmark v. Finland in Copenhagen (Noon, ESPN)
Is it patently unfair that Pukki Party has to play a “road fixture” despite already being the underdog? Sure. Welcome to the real world, especially since ESPN is involved. This could be a Draw, but if the Danes strike early, things could get out of hand quickly.
Belgium v. Russia in St. Petersburg (3:00, ABC)
Good Lord, is this the middle of the night in Rooskie-land? St. Petersburg is likely farther west than my pill-addled mind imagines. Anyway, it’s all about the TV moneys, and the most eyes will be on the flashy Belgians (led my former Everton wonderkid Romelu Lukaku). There will be goals in this one, maybe like 5-3. Bet the over.
Anything else on your mind? Will the erstwhile colonial power Cecil Rhodes appear in the Clubhouse? Tune in to find out!
It looked like the medic was doing CPR. This is bad.
The defibrillator is out. Holy crap.
yikes, how do you even play the second half now?
I don’t think you can.
They’ve been doing it for awhile. Shit.
Oh shit. Something’s wrong.
WTF!
CPR. Oh fuck.
my attention drifted, wha happen? I see that it’s Eriksen
There was a hard fall, not sure how, and even initially he was down on the ground and twitching. Now they’re doing CPR.
Yikes.
They’re doing CPR on him. They need to cut away from this ASAP.
Reminder – you get a Most Glorious FIVE matches tomorrow, thanks to Los Sudamericano Euros
/Covid-19 rubs it’s hands together gleefully
We’ll see about that!
A Finnish soccer player with a hockey background is the equivalent of an NFL TE with a basketball background.
lookit all them pale Jimmy Grahams running about!
Soccer announcers saying “ice hockey” are the equivalent of us calling soccer “lesser footy.”
And if he went to Haarvard? Forget about it.
It’s the Yale of Helsinki
FINNISH PLAYER: [collapses to the ground bleeding from his nose]
ANNOUNCER: Hard to see who made contact…
SOCCER BALL: [slinks away, hands in pockets, whistling]
These Karelian pies are a favourite among Finns. I feel like I’ve seen these things before, but perhaps not at the dinner table.
THEY SHOOT REINDEER, DON’T THEY!?
It’s much more humane than making reindeer sausage while they’re still alive
but not nearly as erotic obvs
Lots of dead on the pitch, but one expects a mighty nation like Finland to have a deep bench.
Jesus, this almost aged terribly.
At this rate we’re going to have 22 minutes of injury time added to the half.
“Terrific fans here in Copenhagen….”
I’ve no ikea where you’re going with this.
We regret to inform you that the Belgium-Russia game has been canceled, as somehow someone spilled Novichok all over the Belgian locker room.
Well, that could have been anyone…
BORIS JOHNSON: We’ll never know who did this.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: It was me.
BORIS JOHNSON: Well, we’ll never *do* anything about it, so…
Not sure about the floe of this Nordic tilt-it’s bordering on glacial.
Finland really can’t afjord to give up more chances like that.
Was only able to run for 35 minutes before knee pain flared up. I told you I was chasing mediocrity.
Right there with you. The last time I tried to run I got a half mile and had to turn back.
Yeah, the last time I didn’t listen to a muscle twinge I hobbled around the warehouse for about 10 days.
Me: [looks out the rear exit of the building, trying to gauge the weather]
Worker Guy: “Thinking about going for another run, Mr. Scotch?”
Other Guys: [gales of laughter]
Me: [mutters to self, limps back to office]
ONLY. 35 minutes?? way 2 humblebrag bruh
“Chasing Mediocrity” sounds like it would be a good name for a movie about a guy who falls in love with a day shift stripper.
How the fuck is there a Finn named O’Shaughnessy??
Probably the child of a war bride from when Ireland colonized them.
Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…
The Empire has traces everywhere, my friend. That said, I would like to check the passport of #6 on the Finnish squad. He does not appear to possess any of the traits that are distinctly Finnish.
Probably one of those filthy Lapps.
/apparently “Lapp” is a legit slur for the Sami people of the Scandanavian north, something I literally learned within the last year.
Tbh, I was really disappointed the last time I got a Lapp dance in Oslo.
34000 feet above Dodge City Kansas at 456 knots, tracking 258°
Turning the yogurt controls airspeed:
Normal lookin! Truly we have entered the end of covid times
Well, my glorious reign in first place (tied with 20-some others) is ended. That’ll teach me to count on the Welsh.
Lots of matches still to be played, my good man. The quest to establish Rhodesia was not carried out overnight (though I certainly tried my best!).
Just took down the American flag from in front of the house, and am now flying the Danish flag that I remembered we had.
SPIL DAG JAEVLA!!!
(if Google translate is correct, that’s Game Day, motherfuckers! in Danish)
((Not actually all that invested, but I had the flag))
(((and if you have a flag…)))
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTduy7Qkvk8
[shows up at Horatio’s door]
“Yes, I was informed there were danishes here?”
– Coach Andy
“I will give you all the Danish you want if you can get your kid’s car out of my living room.”
Welp, my relentless quest for mediocrity continues-I’m going for a run.
Will 70 year old shirtless dude be there? Will he embarrass Scotchy?
Stay tuned!
Shirtless Joe Jackson was a no-show. I think I went too early.
I just saw a stat on the crawl that can’t be real: Jacob deGrom has allowed 4 ER this season, and has 5 RBI.
That is insane.
I think his ERA is .62. That’s almost as low as my IQ!
I call bullshit. Anyone with an IQ that low would know that it rounds down to an even zero.
https://twitter.com/SlangsOnSports/status/1403529575867498498
1-1 draw. Just as the Swiss wanted. Next up, a clash between two notoriously reserved nations that would have been part of the same team during WW2. Who will triumph in this battle of Baltic brethren?
TRUE HIPPO FACT, as we enter quasi-Scandinavia – Pretend Man City currently has two Swedes in the side. Both are Black.
Well, if it comes to which team has the better snipers in their attack, I’m betting on the Finns, even if family lore has us being part Danish.
/Yes, yes, point at my midsection and get those Entemann’s jokes in early and often.
https://i.insider.com/5603ea6e9dd7cc1b008bccbf?width=700
Italy has, per expectations, taken control of the Body Hair Group.
I suspect that everyone in Group A is going to try to beat the hell out of the Turks, then play conservatively against everyone else.
A sound strategy, unless you’re bogged down on the Gallipoli peninsula.
a history lesson, and one of Hippo’s favoUrite songs of the last decade:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knHvi4A8v9Q
If this score stays the same, I’m willing to give Welsh keeper Ward an extra orange slice post-game.
takes a bounce in the 18
/Mark Chmura has entered the chat
ÖRGRYTE IS VS JÖNKÖPINGS SÖDRA IF
/is what I am presently GAMBLOR HAILING
“Hi Everybody!”
-VAR
VAR time!!
That’s getting VAR’d to hell and back.
Obvs enough that even Mark Clattenberg noticed!
“Granit Xhaka with the foul”
/Horatio’s left eye starts twitching.
Welsh fans in incomprehensible song, he means.
/Stands for what he assumes is the Welsh National Llgywmnm
No matter what you do, the British Empire always comes through. A just equalizer from the sheep shaggers.
I guess if one is a sheep, and there’s a Welshman standing behind ye…better for him to be happy drunk than angry drunk?
God, I loathe short corners, but that was a thing of beauty.
“When you’re 6’5″, and you’re a big boy, and you go down that easily….”
Consider the signal lit.
Literally dozens of enthusiastic fans here in Baku to see this tilt.
Well, that wasn’t very neutral. 1-0 to the Swiss, though I would like to double check that striker’s passport.
He’s from the south of Switzerland.
The far south.
Holy shit, how coked up is the play-by-play guy?
Why am I picturing both announcers being handed juice boxes right now?
Give ’em the purple stuff, save the Sunny D for the A pairing
Yeah, they certainly didn’t send anyone expendable to Azerbaijan, did they? That’s a message.
One of them sounds like A-Rod, and if A-Rod were to meet his demise at the hands of an angry Baku mob, thus keeping him from ruining Sunday Night Baseball for me, well, I’m not exactly going to lead a boycott of Azerbaijani goods as a result.
My word, did Puma hire the blind to design those Swiss uniforms? They are truly appalling.
Same template used for Italy’s away white uniforms.
Bale has a free kick spell drier than Queen Elizabeth.
Everyone expects pace and stamina to decrease with senior citizen footballers…but “fine motor” skill certainly does as well. Otherwise, why would you need an old bastard division for pro golf?
The Senior Tour should have every player driving his own golf cart instead of using caddies. There should also be a 6 pack of Coors Light in each cart that must be drunk before the end of the round or else the player is disqualified.
I feel the same way about NASCAR.
Ah yes, the redneck version of the All-Drug Olympics.
This Emmental cheese that my manservant used for my appetizer fondue is delicious. However, just like this Swiss side, it is soft and rather pungent. Time for these Welsh barbarians to take advantage.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rADdKqPNdaM
Springbok fondue is tricky. Hard to get good help these days. Nice to see your man was up to the task.
Oof! Great save by the Swiss keeper.
He’s a shrimpy, Jason Schwartzman look-alike, no less. Good for him!
When did Ben Shapiro start to do the ESPN commentary?
Is he rambling on about the Smoot-Hawley Tariff again?
I can’t wait for him to comment on a game played in the rain. “Look at how wet they are!” he’ll exclaim, “I guess I was wrong about that, it *is* possible.”
The person who got the front row seat must be delighted to be just 100 yards from the touchline.
On the plus side, this 6’2″ Hippo appreciates all the legroom.
“Soccer? BORRRRRING! [turns to CVS cashier] Excuse me miss, where are the Magnum condoms?”
-ghost of tWBS, multitasking in heaven
There’s apparently heavy wind, meaning you really took the smart chore window. Such prescience is why we hold you in such high esteem (plus the drinking and hobo disposal obvs).
Everybody talks about how hard these last 15 months have been for “essential” workers…but nobody mentions the intense strain felt by the world’s pervy cameramen.
One of the “stars” of Sunderland Til I Die is on this morning’s ESPN panel!
Good morning, fellow empire builders. Well, here we are — a battle between two of Europe’s most forgettable nations (we English have never held Wales in high regard). It is challenging to conjure up support for either of these global footnotes — I suppose that I must throw my support behind Switzerland for their highly civilized approach to banking. Time to get the manservant to prepare some springbok fondue.
Just so much delightfulness that it’s hard to unpack it all.
If someone wagers on Wales and loses, is it okay to welsh on the bet?
After Wiki-ing the history of Baku, well they’ve thrown out both the Jews and the Armenians at different times, so there’s that.
Equal opportunity persecution
I have a bit more respect for a community that has a hatred of more than just one ethnicity. It’s so easy to focus on just one. Get out there and develop a more well-rounded, varied hate, make an effort. smgdh…