Tuesdays suck. Summer Tuesdays suck more, because it stays light out FOREVER, making Wednesday seem all the more distant. But God forbid you do something fun, because you have three more days of adulting you have to get through. Going to a 4 weekday-3 weekend system would boost the GDP and consumer spending by 12% minimum. That’s a truthy fact right there. HIPPO/MAYHEM 2024 Y’ALL!
The one upside this year is that the 2020-in-2021 Tokyo Olympics are in progress. Normally I loathe the Olympics. Yes, they’re dreadfully corrupt graftholes that set their host cities and countries back billions and make the professional sports stadium racket look positively benign. Yes, the biggest sports are horrifying in their exploitation of the young and vulnerable, even when it’s not the literal child abuse that has been endemic for decades. And yes, it continues to promote a jingoistic nationalist mindset that exacerbates existing issues impeding international cooperation. But my biggest beef with the Olympics is this: Spandex. Any garment including more than 10% Spandex (aka Lycra, aka Elastane for you eurotypes) is always wrong, no matter how fit the person or how grueling the sport. Every non-swimming competitor should be given an Olympics t-shirt and a pair of Olympics cargo shorts and be forced to compete in those. Just think of how much more impressive an event like the rings would be if the guy doing the Iron Cross looks like some dude you would see out on the street instead of some lab-grown Ivan Drago clone who barely registers as the same species as you.
But.
The one saving grace of the Summer Olympics is that it insulates us from the Summer Sports Dead Zone. Between the end of the NBA Finals and the start of Methadone Football with the Hall of Fame Game, there is generally Fuck All to watch other than baseball. Now, I’m not anti-baseball, but this is the portion of the season where the tanking teams are selling off everyone whose jersey you own
and the Stretch Run Heroes haven’t really started to close ground. There’s no drama. There’s no romance. There’s just heat and death and the same stupid stadium schtick that we’ve endured for the last four months. Fuck you, Scoreboard Intern, I refuse to “GET LOUD!!!” when we’re down 5-0 in the fourth inning. In no world should I be able to tire of the Sausage Race, and yet here we are every August.
So the Olympics at least provide a different flavor of shit for us to collectively eat. And that’s nice.
ANYWAY. Today’s news in Sports that Matter:
-The Colts continue to vie for the Doctor Nick Memorial Trophy for most incompetent medical staff. The Chargers maintain their lead at the moment, but with All-World guard Quenton Nelson succumbing to the EXACT SAME EXTREMELY BIZARRE FOOT INJURY that claimed 5-12 weeks of Carson “Dakota Jeebus” Wentz’s season yesterday, the Humps are catching up. After passing the buck on Wentz’s injury to high school, the Colts doubled down and gone ALL the way back, calling it “a developmental anomaly. Something he was kind of born with, something always there, you never know and all of a sudden there it is.” Fuck sake, Colts, don’t bring your star player’s mom into this shit. Besides, we all know the terrible scourge of bonus eruptus.
*I originally typed that as bonus interruptus, which I think is when your mother-in-law calls while you’re having sex.
-The Giants decided to have a Big Ole Training Camp Brawl after third-and-a-half string running back Corey Clement was hit late. This is normal training camp fare, except it eventually involved the whole team, with “star” quarterback Daniel Jones on the bottom of the pile. Apparently coach Joe Judge was struck by a vision of him trying to keep his job while trotting out Mike Glennon as a starter every week, because he went nuclear and decided to make everyone run 100-yard wind sprints and do punishment pushups while cursing them out. Jones downplayed the incident, while everyone else involved seems curiously unapologetic. No doubt the Long Island chapter of the Tom Coughlin Society will cheer this as showing “real smashmouth toughness” but the reality looks more like…um…every other team coached by a New England assistant coach: disintegration, factionalism and a disdain for the coaching staff. So that’ll be fun to watch this year.
-The Washington Fuckarounds finally got their shit together on the vaccination front, going from a second-to-worst 70% first-or-second jab rate on Saturday to 84% today. It’s nice that only 16% of their players want their immunocompromised coach to die. The Redacteds are still six points under the league average, because Washington. For those who are curious, the Minnesota Vikings are finally leading the league in something, with 30% of their players being selfish shitholes even after their entire unvaccinated QB room was quarantined. If the season started today, your starter would be either Danny Etling or Case Cookus. Ok, there’s no way that second name is real.
WHAT’S ON TAP FOR TONIGHT:
Nothing good. Baseball is in the aforementioned Annual Doldrums.
On Big NBC there’s some diving, there’s some running, there’s some abuse victims defying gravity- presumably they’ll only show you the Americans and the gold medalists because that’s all Stupid America cares about.
There’s Wrestling on the Olympics Channel at 9 Central and canoeing at 9:30 Central on CNBC.
I got interested when I saw “Women’s Individual Stroke Play”, but it turns out it’s only golf. Fucking Olympics…
Fap more. I’d that doesn’t work, fap more than that. You should be out of your comfort zone right now. And that is okay.
Whatever you do, don’t fap less.
Goodnight, my darling dears!
I just watched a commercial for the movie Coda and I’m about to cry just from that. Too bad it’s on Apple TV, which is not something I am going to pay for.
Do they still have the free 7-day trial? Sign up for it, immediately cancel, then take those 7 days to watch CODA and knock out Ted Lasso while you’re at it.
Look at this woman who won the freestyle wrestling gold. You’re concerned about men becoming women so they can go dominate over there? How about making sure this chick never crosses over to being in the ring with men her same size.
She was really happy, it was nice to see. I was a little worried that Nigerian woman was going to bite her ear off, she was getting desperate at the end.
Yeah that American girl was dialed in. You can tell she’s all bought in on her training.
I wonder if any of these track records had to do with the stadium being generally quiet and allowing the racers to stay in a better performance space as they prepped and raced.
It also helps that most of the crowd would be smoking cigarettes.
Too funny.
Listen, I’m no prude, but there’s enough gay porn in Elite that it’s starting to make me uncomfortable.
Only a prude would say that.
Uncomfortable like you have to adjust before you stand up to not be noticed?
Germans
Why does the international basketball look like that?
The NBA should adopt the black ball that’s all dirty from playing on asphalt but it bounces real good and seems to be just the right weight.
In Canada you guys call dentists at Dental Centres?
4-workdays / 3-weekend should be The Way. Though I’d settle for Half-Assin’ Fridays.
Subscribe. I had that for a couple years. The bitch was it was 12 hour days
God bless America
https://twitter.com/TSA_Gulf/status/1421858864807489543?s=19
lol at the dude that rolled up with a chain saw to a TSA check point.
Gotta have that extra gas canister, too, or the zombies win
Guess Naw’lins is the brass-knuckle capital of the South.
I’m partial to the knives-made-to-look-like-guns, the “uhhh maybe we should talk about this” definitely-don’t-put-that-in-your-butt plugs, the grappling hook, and the fucking grenade.
$5 says that “grenade” is really a novelty lighter
Is that a juggling club, lol!
Anyone watch that hurdles race?
Spoiler: USA USA
World Record!
That was hella fast! I am a totally lapsed Catholic, but as soon as they showed those people at Sydney’s high school, I shouted NUN! and scared the cat! Speaking of nun’s, today is my aunt, Sister Patrice’s birthday. And tomorrow would have been my mom’s. My niece is a couple of days past her due date, she needs to have the kid tomorrow so I’ll remember the date. She was kind enough to have her second kid on my son’s birthday.
No one in my family has gone into preaching in any capacity. In fact, aside from my cousin (the youngest of us all) being some kind of fungus PhD at UC, no one in my family has done anything remotely in service or otherwise bettering the world.
Still, I deserve the same tax cuts as the nun.
Trust me, she’s pretty much the head bitch in charge of her order, but she doesn’t make a lot of money. But…rich Catholics try to buy their way into heaven at the end, and they usually leave fancy property. She has lived in a few gorgeous mansions. She also damn near starved to death in Appalachia when she was a young nun, before welfare and food stamps were a thing. Her dad , my grandfather, was a doctor, and he had to bring her home and hospitalize her because she was giving all of her food to poor people. She is the kind of religious person that they all should be, but few are.
https://twitter.com/ambermruffin/status/1422527679077576705?s=20
I truly enjoyed this from a good place.
found a funny:
waiter: *sets down check*
me: my treat
date: awe thank you
me: *grabbing mint* for what
In the earlier editions of Civilization, when you could name your leader, whenever I played the Romans, I was always “Biggus Dickus.”
Who played Biggus’s wife? He has a wife, you know.
Stretch.
The Roman version of Annie of course: Annus
Incontentia Buttocks, of course
Clitoria
Allotus Faginus
Felatia?
Took down a tree with a chainsaw this evening and still have all my fingers and toes, so I am rewarding myself with beer.
I did nothing useful but am still having an old fashioned.
I drove to Corona, but I picked up Popeye’s on the way home, so I can’t call it a total pita. And I’m high, so it’s a good day!
I’m going to a wedding down the cape this weekend and will be hitting the treehouse beer garden they have in Sandwich. Also, I love the number (and quality) of craft brewers on the cape.
My brother and I are going to hit the Sandwich location at some point, but it is not going to be in the summer.
Also Cape’s getting whacked with rain this week. Hopefully it’s clear out before Saturday.
Here’s hoping. The majority of the festivities are outside. I’d like to be indoors with people as little as possible
Summers growing up were spent by me in the Attleboro-Mansfield-Foxboro metroplex. It was several years into maturity that I realized that “downacape” was not just one word. For us, that was Scusset for the most part.
Which of your enemies did it aid?
Love those Doug Ford gifs, because they remind me he’s dead.
Rob is dead. Doug is alive and the Premier of Ontario.
I knew I should have checked that. Well, fuck Doug anyway.
Look at him. It won’t be long before they’re reunited.
From your lips to Cthulu’s many ears.
I wish I got the chance to work an Olympics when I was in the broadcast world. It would help the production having a mole on the inside.
“Going to a 4 weekday-3 weekend system would boost the GDP and consumer spending by 12% minimum.”
You jest (I think), but: https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2021/07/06/iceland-four-day-work-week/
‘Several large-scale trials of a four-day workweek in Iceland were an “overwhelming success,” with many workers shifting to shorter hours without affecting their productivity, and in some cases improving it, in what researchers called “groundbreaking evidence for the efficacy of working time reduction.”’
I jest only in that I made up that statistic. I firmly believe that in an increasingly consumer-and-service-oriented economy, an extra day to recover and spend money would benefit both workers and businesses.
Late-stage capitalism almost certainly won’t allow it, but it’d be nice to see companies start to show how much they value their employees by doing more than offering a few more cents an hour every year or so.
I’d much rather work 4 ten hour days and get 3 days off, but no one’s going to want to hear that from an attorney. It’s not like we do fuckall during the time we are “working” anyway.
This site largely depends on that fact
Here, have a good song.
https://youtu.be/us4ObAlRiE4
DOUBLE SHOT!
(also good music to watch the women’s 800m final to)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KmgEe30e34Q
Man, what an underrated side project. This song hit pretty big for them, but I feel like they didn’t get enough attention.
Now I’m sitting around listening to 1990s/2000s Texas rock bands. Don’t worry, Grand Champeen, Old 97s, Centro-matic, Slobberbone, and others. You’ll get your time.
I think this guy qualifies, too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nggqe-L9ZQ8
Such a good song. Normally I hate long songs, but that one just keeps getting better.
That will be the national anthem of Texas when it secedes.
Hell yeah, brother
Even his “novelty” songs are better than everybody else’s best tunes
https://youtu.be/DTP9__vi3d4
Even MOAR glad mah #BFIB acquired Jon Lester 2-nite!
It’s normal to have twice as many earned runs as strikeouts, right?
“Yes”
2021 Yankees bullpen
Gilbert, AZ is the Midwest people of Arizona.
Jade Carey is MAX GILBERT. So good for her. She’ll probably have to bust out that medal in 20 years at a PTA meeting when some dick needs to be put in line about P.E. funds appropriation or something.
How dare you speak that way about a place that was once known as the “Hay Shipping Capital of the World”!
Watching her shoulders and chest heave as she waited for her scores last night the only thing I could think was “she could absolutely kick my ass without breaking a sweat”
At this point, it seems more likely there is just a dark smudge on the x-ray light at GRAVYHQ than literally every single Colts player observed actually having the injury.
Besides Wentz, of course, who is made of glass and wisely hid those bird bones from every scout by hiding in the D1 Minors in college.
(“…Minors in college you say?” – Matt Gaetz at a Turning Point event
– RTD)
So what did he do to harass these women now? I mean, we know at this point that most all elected officials are, at-best, would be rapists so what’s this guy’s score?
The one that stuck out to me was the trooper that he had transferred to his personal detail – a position she wasn’t currently qualified for – and given a substantial pay raise, so he could harrass her more easily.
That’s (pardon the phrase) ballsy on his part.
Wow.
You’d think a big city that’s the center of the world could do better than giving us Trump, Rudy, and this cat.
Gov. Cuomo: “I’m kind of a piece of shit.”
Everyone, even Google: “Yeah, we know.”
I thought something was up a few years ago when that Food Network woman upped sticks after she’d been living with him for years.
Great, now I want to rewatch History of the World instead of finishing my work.
Am I the one that finally asks the question? Whatever…
BFC, how many goddamn times are you going to root around in Favre’s butthole? Commenters need to know!
However many times it takes to find Favre’s head. It’s up there somewhere…
It’s hard to find because Peter King’s tongue is usually in the way.
The bit about the Ten Commandments really bugs me because did it happen after the first trip? In which case it’s kind of irrelevant because Moses ended up smashing them anyway. Or was it after the second, in which case the people would be like “hey, weren’t there fifteen commandments the first time”?
I guarantee you Moses told God he wasn’t schlepping three tablets all the way down the mountain a second time