I know what you’re thinking – “Wait – what the hell is he doing here?”

Hold on, pretty deaf girl. I never said I was leaving, just abandoning my Open Thread responsibilities because of an anticipated bump in real-life workload.

In fact, it’s already started. Summer school finished last Friday, and people are already complaining about their upcoming Fall schedule. I’m not even officially in the job yet, and I’m spending 1-2 hours a day dealing with other people’s shit. However, some of my colleagues already have a problem with me, because my philosophy is more “sit & spin” than “ride or die”, so I’m not interrupting other people’s vacations just to settle their quibble a few days early. But I’ve still got to set meetings with the Board – who are also pissed with me because my union business schedule doesn’t conform to the standard practices of the past. I could point out that that’s because the principal already fucked with my schedule, so ask her why I don’t feel like extending any favours.

But just like I promised, I didn’t disappear. And one of those things I promised to do is my annual Atlanta Falcons preview. Because… they’re my team?

I still don’t get how this team fell to me. I have apparently been covering them at [DFO] since…2016?! Jesus. It still feels like a set-up to force the then-new kid to have to watch a team of professional athletes get betrayed by the sideline people supposedly hired to help them succeed.

When I first started, I went with the bold option of comparing the various positions to condiments. (Don’t worry – I’m not going to get all esoteric this year.) Most of the pictures have disappeared from the post – DAMN YOU, OLD SERVER! – but there’s still one comparison that transcends the years.

Matt Ryan still can’t beat Tom Brady. Faced with the prospect of facing him twice last season, the 2016 NFL MVP gave away both games, a key component in the Bucs getting a wild-card berth. (You know how the rest went.) He is still the current king of the late-game stats compilers. Despite a 4-12 record, he managed to amass over 4500 throwing yards, 26 TDs, and a QB rating of 93.3. But when I typed his name into Google image, here’s what came up first:

^{Oh, that’s… not promising.}

But who will Matty Ice will be throwing to? Well, Julio Jones & his $10+ million contract are now Mike Vrabel’s problem,

and since the new head coach “[doesn’t] worry about players I never coached,” let’s take a look at who his new targets will be.

Well, according to the team’s Madden numbers, which these days is the best collective measure there is, there’s…

• Calvin Ridley, the league’s 15th highest-rated receiver with an 88 rating,
• rookie tight end Kyle Pitts, who is the 18th-rated TE but the highest-rated rookie with an 81,
• umm… okay. No one’s left on Page 1. Let’s go to Page 2…
• Cordarrelle Patterson? I think he just does kickoffs now.
• Fourth-year pro Russell Gage.
• Third-year wideout Olamide Zaccheaus.

Jesus, that’s sad. These days, Patterson can’t play if the lights are too bright. Meanwhile, Gage has just 1300 yards in three seasons, and Olamide Zaccheaus has 389 total receiving yards in just two years. And those are the #2 & 3 receivers on the depth chart! For Christ’s sake, their fucking kicker ranks higher than 3/4 of the offensive roster.

The offensive line isn’t much better. Three of their previous five first-round draft picks were offensive linemen. Their return on that investment has not been what one would call “passable”. Matt Ryan got sacked 41 times last year, and a league-high 48 times the season before that. Even Russell Wilson thinks that’s a lot. Combine the Falcons ranking second-to-last with 3.7 yards per carry with a running-back-by-committee setup being proposed to start the season, and this line is going to have to improve fast or Matty Ice is going to be on ice by their Week 6 bye.

Meanwhile, on defense, thefalcoholic knows what lies ahead:

ProFootballFocus does not look highly on the Falcons’ defensive line entering the 2021 NFL season. In fact, they’ve got Atlanta ranked as the second-worst line in the whole dang league.

“Dang league”?! Easy with the language there, Tarantino.

Gone is the feared defence that was rock-solid for three quarters of a Super Bowl and dragged them back to the playoffs the following season. Most everyone from that era has since been traded, blew out a knee, or traded because they blew out a knee. Grady Jarrett is the only current player on that side of the ball who strikes any fear into offensive coordinators, and that problem is easily resolved with a double team or a sweep to the outside.

Meanwhile, deep coverage is in even worse shape.

The only returning starter is second-year man A.J. Terrell, who is expected to cover all #1 receivers from his corner position. Everyone else expected to start the season at safety or corner has been brought in via free agency or freshly drafted. The situation is so desperate unique that they are even considering converting corners who they turned into kick returners back into corners.

The task of forming a passable defense out of all this detritus can only fall to one man,

YOU THOUGHT HE WAS DONE?! Two shakes of Arthur Blank’s wallet got Dean Pees lured out of retirement to build a defense around A.J. Terrell. Given the salary cap pinch they face, expect a blitz-heavy defense to start the season, in order to take some of the pressure off of all the rookies & new guys who are looking to make a splash. The team is hoping that a couple of years under a steady hand will help stream a stable back end which will allow the interceptions to begin flowing again. Piss joke.

As for special teams, they have a great kicker, no punter, and hopefully a new coordinator with a better understanding of the onside kick rules.

That fiasco hastened the demise of Dan Quinn. Losing to the Cowboys made them just 0-2, but they carried that lack of confidence forward three more games, with the final nail in the coffin being their Week 5 loss at home to a dogshit Panthers team.

In conclusion, it’s been five years since they played in that infamous Super Bowl, and it’s been all downhill since then. But don’t call it a rebuild,

^{or a comeback}

because they are exactly where they want to be! Just listen to new GM Terry Fontenot,

“When you take off on an airplane, it’s rarely on its exact course,” Fontenot said. “There are constant adjustments in flight, but you eventually land and get to where you’re going. That’s how we see it. We have a clear vision, but we also know we have to adapt and adjust.”

And as far as new head coach Arthur Smith is concerned, the past is the past. The focus is on the future, and being accountable for your actions,

One of the most important aspects of Coach Smith’s camp is accountability. Seeing the entire offense, including Ryan, running a lap after a team infraction shows that no one is exempt from an accountability standpoint.

Teaching lessons like that come easy to a hardscrabble guy like Smith, whose father is the founder of FedEx and worth $5.8 billion. It’s a relationship that in no way at all influenced the owner of FedEx Field, notorious social climber & starfucker Dan Snyder, to pressure Joe Gibbs to hire him as the defensive quality control coach and college scouting assistant for Washington in 2007. However, Smith was able to turn nepotism into an actual job when he moved to the Titans in 2011 & climbed their ranks through to the OC job that got him the interview to be the Falcons head coach.

Research on the new head coach, however, delightfully found that the #1 “Arthur Smith” on Wikipedia is actually Arthur “Guitar Boogie” Smith, writer of the aforementioned instrumental and host of the first nationally syndicated country music show on television in 1951. More importantly, in 1955 he co-wrote an instrumental song called “Feudin’ Banjos”.

The song had solid regional appeal, and got it’s first country-wide airing in 1963 on a TV episode of ‘The Andy Griffith Show‘ which was called “Briscoe Declares for Aunt Bee”. More famously, it would later be re-recorded by folk artists Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandell as “Dueling Banjos” for the movie “Deliverance”. Smith wasn’t credited on the soundtrack, so he successfully sued Warner Brothers to receive proper credit, setting a legal precedent in the process & contributing to the many plagiarism lawsuits in music today. In the end he received an undisclosed payment, past & future royalties, and his name was included on the official soundtrack listing, but he had it omitted from the film’s credits because he found the movie offensive.

Over the course of his life, Smith wrote over 500 songs, and had many of them covered by bigger artists than him. Some famous examples are Willie Nelson’s cover of “Red Headed Stranger” and Johnny Cash’s version of his gospel song, “The Fourth Man (in the Fire)”. He also owned the first recording studio in Charlotte, NC & helped produce albums by acts like Earl Scruggs, Ronnie Milsap, Johnny Cash’s gospel records, and the Statler Brothers, as well as some rhythm & blues acts – most importantly, recording “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag” by James Brown.

He died in 2014, age 93.

In any event, this rabbit hole of research was far more interesting than reading Peter King’s insights on the Falcons prospects for the upcoming season and, quite frankly, a better use of my time.

But back to the Falcons. This season is going to be brutal for those fans of the Dirty Birds, and continuing those $1 hot dogs will only buy them so much time. Arthur Blank opened his wallet for a new GM and coaching staff, which – given his previous patience with Dan Quinn – ought to be given at least three years to build something that looks promising. The goal is to get somewhere near .500 by next season, when they can take a serious look at how best to proceed, and whether they do so with Matt Ryan.

If nothing else, their social media team is first class, and makes sure the people get that sweet digital content they want.

https://twitter.com/ATLCheerleaders/status/1422935388570669057

So something on this team has been improved since 2020. It looks like there will be on-field entertainment for the fans to watch at The Goatse after all.

Prediction: A 6-11 record, with owner Arthur Blank proclaiming the season a “great success” upon which “a great foundation” has been built. If you see them on your TV schedule, start Ryan in fantasy & then change the channel.