Can you feel it? Smell it on the wind, like the first hint of a rainstorm that will drown all Creation after years of dry, desperate living?

It’s coming. Meaningful football is coming.

But not tonight. Tonight, there is Nothing again. Fuuuuuck.

NFL NEWS:

-Noted antivax shithead Cole Beasley is under quarantine for five days for close contact with a (vaccinated) trainer who tested positive for The COVID. Same with defensive tackle Star Lotulelei, as all unvaccinated players are subject to close-contact quarantine.

Beasley is not a surprise, except insofar as it’s quarantine instead of him actually testing positive and/or choking to death on a pile of bullshit.  Lotulelei, however, is an utter fucking shock. He demonstrated incredible intelligence last year by opting-out in the face of COVID. “No, I don’t smoke. Those things’ll kill ya. Here, try some of this meth instead.” Fuckheads…

-Jags Other First Round Pick Travis Etienne is almost certainly done for the season. The 25th overall pick sustained a Lisfranc injury in a preseason game where he gained 4 total yards. For those keeping track at home, the Jaguars’ haul for Jalen Ramsay stands at 19 tackles, one sack, a dead running back and a fourth round DE from the thinnest draft in modern history.

-The Bears have announced that Justin Fields and Nick Foles will split the final preseason game, because Andy Fucking Dalton needs to be preserved to start Week 1. Asked for comment, head coach Matt Nagy stated, “Forty-three yards. Forty-three. Doink, doink, double-doink. Forty three yards.”

Now, I understand Chicago fans who don’t want Andy Dalton starting. And I understand that Justin Fields is a shiny new toy that you just can’t wait to rip out of his package. But I urge you to review this (blatantly illegal) hit from the Mitch Trubisky Revengence Game on Saturday:

Justin Fields is a right-handed quarterback. It *should* be impossible for him to get blindsided from his dominant side. Like, it’s part of the term. He locked in so hard on some receiver to the left that a 240 pound man in bright white clothing SNUCK UP ON HIM. FROM THE FRONT. I’m not saying he lacks field vision or that he should regret his “the game was kind of slow to me” comment. I’m just suggesting that if you want Fields to play more than six quarters of football this year, you probably need to let him observe and learn a little longer.

It’s Tuesday with no good sports, so stand by for another installment of Obscure Movie Hot Tip. This week: Six-String Samurai!

Absolutely true story: in 2000, I had my wisdom teeth out. I’d had surgery before, but ibuprofen had taken care of most of the pain and I had been raised to Gut it Out. But this was a horrorshow, so I had my first dance with Lady Opioids. I was snugged up on the couch and this opening crawl came across the screen:

In 1957, the Bomb dropped and the Russians took over what was America.

The last bastion of freedom became a place called Lost Vegas, and Elvis was crowned King.

After forty rockin’ years, The King is dead.

Every guitar-picking, sword-wielding opportunist, including Death himself, hears the call echoing across the wastelands:

Vegas needs a new King.

What followed was such a strange, jumbled mass of pure oddness that for TWO YEARS, I thought it was a hallucination. Buddy Holly swordfighting. Russian surf rock. Windmill People. It’s all in there in a disjointed feast for the melted brain. I literally listed opiates as a drug allergy until I found out it was real.

The opening line of the AV Club’s review reads: “Well-shot but stupid, Six-String Samurai is one of the year’s weirdest films.” What higher praise can you ask for?  The whole movie is available free on YouTube from the film company. Go watch it.