Chip Kelly’s sweaty tits deserve their own thread, you know?
Hawaii (+18) at Westwood Klavern (3:30, ESPN)
$20 on the Rainbow Warriors to win – who says no?? Fuck you, YOU have a problem.
Later, NFLN has a doubleheader of Tits/Bearistocrats (7:00) and Spanoi/SeaTruthers (10:00). I mean, what the fuck else is one to do? Read, like some kind of fruitcake?
/defensively hides volume 2 of the “Dark Iceland” detective series
I learned very little today, but here goes:
- Handsome Mikel just might be fucked. Fortunately, that’s a face that can sell $20 truck stop handjobs.
- Pep don’t need no stinkin’ strikers!
- I hate for anything good to happen to the vile Redshite, but a point at home to 10-man Chelski ain’t nuthin’ to brag about.
- Toffees get to the break with…7 points? I mean, a favoUrable schedule, but still way above expectations.
- Palace finally scored. TWICE even, which they needed to scrape a point off Fronk’s Hammers. That has to leave a mark.
- Nebraska has a very, very stupid punt returner. You had to see it to believe it.
Dear Anthony In TX:
It’s so weird seeing someone, anyone, advocating for the Texans. Thank you for your sacrifice.
Thoughts and Prayers,
scotchnaut
That’s dedication. Imagine someone here advocating for unicorns or leprechauns.
It’s just further evidence that none of you are real
I’m a Nigerian Prince. All you have to do is make a small 6-figure deposit in my bank account and when I get to the US, I will refund your money and triple it within days.
It ain’t easy, that’s for damned sure.
I grew up an Oilers fan until Bud Adams (may he rest in the lava pits of hell) ripped our team from our loving arms.
Football coming back to Houston was a godsend and I’ve remained convinced of the existence and worth of the Texans for almost 20 years.
The team is such a fucking mess from the top down that it’s almost a relief to not really care if they win or lose. But I’ll still watch ’em because I’m a glutton for punishment.*
*This is all, of course, still predicated upon the delusion that a thing called the “Houston Texans” exists.
Unpopular Opinion:
I don’t like the Daytona and Talladega races.
There is too much luck involved, most people watch for the wrong reasons, and most of the race is spent single file.
That’s fair. It’s not an actual race.
The sideshow is the only attraction.
I’m watching my 3rd Texans preseason game in a row (because I hate myself?) and although the team is gonna be a dumpster fire and might win 4 games, their defense might… actually be kind of good?
The offense is going to be awful and they’re going to score very few points, but their D has looked downright serviceable in the preseason.
Not only are preseason games not a reliable indicator of anything, but you’re watching a team that doesn’t even exist
You make some salient points. I apologize on behalf of fans of my pretend team everywhere.
Both of them?
Yeah, I got confirmation of the apology via text from the other one.
Is that the same D that Derrick Henry has put up 200+ yards twice in the last two years? That one?
Barely.
This team is damn near unrecognizable. There was actually an article this week in the Houston Chronicle lamenting Texans’ fans dearth of jersey options.
Plus, they have Lovie Smith running the D! What could go wrong?
Of course I say that and Tawmmy Brady takes the Bucs 91 yards in 7 plays for a score.
Sudden Change!
I just realized I’m out of beer.
This is the worst thing to happen to anyone in the world in at least the last three days.
-sigh-
/puts pants back on
//grabs car keys
Who says chivalry is dead?
Ain’t you got them drive thrus in America?
On Cape Cod? How GAUCHE.
Even better: some of us have drive thru liquor stores.
I know in the place that they call Cody, Wyoming (not a state see Dok Zymm) you could get drive thru cocktails.
All the interstate exits have 3 huge spotlights (each exit entrance and the middle of the intersection) so the drunk drivers know where to get off.
Although they’re on their own after that.
Nice to see the traffic authorities say, “Fuck it, we’re not gonna stop ’em, so may as well at least try to make it somewhat safer.”
My problem would be a bigger problem if we had those.
My freshman year of college I dated a girl from a little town in Louisiana. I spent a weekend in her hometown and even though we were both underage, she had a friend who worked at the drive-thru daquiri place. Her philosophy was “I can’t get in trouble for selling liquor to minors if I just give it to them for free.”
That’s a really good friend to have.
It was a good weekend (what of it I remember)
“Tell me more”
-Matt Gaetz
That’s a year worth reliving for eternity.
Freshman year was wonderful and terrible. Plenty of booze and boobs to go along with the crippling depression. What an era!
This is my fault. I’m delinquent in shipping you a bunch of beer currently in my fridge.
I had a shipment of beer waiting for you but then you kept moving so I didn’t know where to send it and then I drank it.
I’d have to check, but I think there are more people at El Trafico than there were at the Rose Bowl.
The ESPN website says the “crowd” at the Rose Bowl was 32K but I call bullshit.
That can only be tickets sold.
Meanwhile, Banc of California Stadium holds 22K.
Bought tix to see The Killers there next August. Hope it still has that New Stadium Smell.
Something, something is OJ and Andy Reid’s son doing a live AMA?
And El Trafico is tied!
If you mix Metamucil and Invermectin I think it will get rid of the Rona faster. I am not a scientist but nobody trusts scientists these days.
Technically, shitting yourself to death when you have the Rona is getting rid of the Rona faster.
And of course, “technically correct” is the best kind of correct.
Gotta get them rope worms out!
Hey, they ain’t gonna shit themselves out!
THE BEN HAS A RAPE WORM
THE BEN’S FAVORITE CHARACTER ON THRONES GAMESHOW WAS GREY WORM BUT THAT SHOW DIDN’T MAKE SENSE, NEEDED MORE TITTIES
One fucking guess as to who I kept in Hippo’s partial Keepers League.
Obviously not someone with initials as a first name!
JK, I know who you meant.
Thought I saw someone keep him. Still haven’t read the rules but it is what it is!
I think you can still change.
(your life choices)
tWBS?
Btw, in case Balls needs something to fantasize about today, I am indeed running around the apartment in my GWS guernsey, promoting comments from Lady BFC about how “unflattering” it may be in the abdominal region.
You need to be doing it Decilitre style!
It’s the altitude DAMMIT. We just moved to Colorado!
/goes to Wikipedia and edits the entry for Altitude to include “can affect penis shrinkage”
That’s not nice. Reply back with something like “Shut up, you stupid ugly whore” and see how she likes it.
(note: do not actually do this)
[begins fantasizing about Lady BFC criticizing BFC…]
Aw yeah now she’s getting on his case about forgetting to set the dishwasher to run before they went to bed the night before.
Did she really want to run before bed?
Mmm baby now she’s asking him – she’s not mad, she’s just curious – if he doesn’t notice the drops of urine that end up on the toilet rim, or if he just doesn’t care.
Ooh this is getting naughty now she wants to know if he checked the price anywhere else before he ordered that thing from Amazon…
[fans self]
Now she’s asking him if he added that thing to the calendar like she asked him to.
“Is my name Outlook?” is the proper response here.
Please, like we don’t have a joint google calendar
/Rikki finishes
Anyone see JK Dobbins’ injury? Was it ‘significant’?
https://twitter.com/PFF_Fantasy/status/1431746743339667457?s=20
Gonna go ahead and take him of my draft noard.
Yep, and start looking at…Gus Edwards?
NEXT MAN UP!!
That would be significant.
I’ll say. When a man whose job it is to get beaten senseless by other, larger men reacts like that, the pain has to be REAL.
“It’s Just A
FleshSprain Wound!”“Rub some Ivermectin on it!”
Yep. Looks like knee-worms.
Guess who has two thumbs and drafted J.K. Dobbins last week?
The J.K. stands for “Just Kidding about my ability to walk let alone run”
As a Browns fan, I have watched a lot of bad football.
These redacteds are really bad. Like I wouldn’t be surprised if they are out of the NFC East hunt by week 14.
Come on guys! You got to be able to win 6 games to take this division!
Isn’t it ALL backups at this point? I doubt half of these guys make the final cuts.
The best part is Joe keeps saying that the Ravens have their starters all in still which is why the redacteds look like garbage.
It’s like watching a Baghdad Bob press conference.
JSD, I know you have been on Walkabout for awhile, but the Eagles will be the worst team by far in the NFC.
I feel like the NFC East is going to go to the (ugh) Cowboys by default.
Horatio rejoices.
But it probably comes down to Washington and Dallas, and Washington has a defense and Dallas…does not.
Hey, if they somehow manage to cancel each other out, I’m 100% fine with that outcome.
My buddy who lives in Dallas thinks they’re going to have a bad season and still finish 10-7 because they’re in the NFC East.
I don’t think they’ll even need 10-7 to win it. 9-8 will probably be enough.
Edited to add: “10-7” and “9-8” look fuckin’ weird and always will.
This. Whoever wins won’t need more than 9 wins. They might get them, however, because they do get to play the other 3 teams 6 times.
I find it very hard to believe that when DAK! returns that everything is going to return to exactly where it was before his injury. The Cowboys were putting up points on an historic basis-I don’t see them replicating that. Yes, they’ll be good but historically good? Nope.
I tend to agree with this. Have to believe Dak isn’t going to be more mobile or even as mobile, and I truly believe the offensive line has the potential to be a dumpster fire this year.
Is there even a ‘best’ offensive line in our division? I don’t think so.
Someone has to be, by default, but I’ll be damned if I know who it is now.
If you’ve only watched #ThePauls I’m not sure you know football at all.
GOOOOOOOOOOOL GALAXY
That was quick!
Horrible play by the back line.
And then to top it off, they crashed into each other at the net.
HOT MLS ACTION!
Isn’t Herbalife a pyramid scheme?
Yes. Yes it is.
Of course not.
Have you ever thought about owning your own business selling top-notch medicine? I’ll stop by with some literature for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
I am more interested in Essential Oils. Got anything I can fill my garage with and never sell?
No more so than Amway.
Can I interest you in Confederated Products?
Really pretty view of the Louisiana swamps and Lake Borgne surge area ahead of Ida making landfall.
Here’s hoping there’s a minimum of damage, given how big she’s going to be.
https://twitter.com/mayorcantrell/status/1431753667984740357?s=20
Gonna be rough for a lot of people who don’t have a lot of money. Really hope it veers directly to Palm Beach.
Yeah, it’s worrisome. A cat 1 hurricane would have been bad enough, but now it’s supposed to be a 3 or 4 when it hits? Jesus.
This preseason game is interrupting the Daytona race here in the blue ridge mountains.
I’m wondering how many death threat phone calls have been made to the NBC affiliate here.
Luckily it’s still pre-race.
BUT GAWD HELP YOU IF WE MISS (some horrific country act) SING OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM
Actually a good anthem.
Also love the shots of the hot gfs/wives.
Always my favourite part. They may not win the race, but that doesn’t mean they’re losers.
Did they ever get the Xfinity race going? That was supposed to be last night and then this morning and then I lost track.
Something called “Justin Haley” won it.
Who am I supposed to support in this LA derby?
The fault line.
Depends. Do you prefer Carlos Vela or Chicharito?
Vela.
LAFC then.
Good. No Beckham smell either, plus their kits are niiiice.
How dare you.
No one could bend it like him (assuming they were referring to his penis)
Landon Donovan was a cock too! Now Clint Dempsey, there was a swarthy soccerballer.
I feel like Beckham just naturally smells like whatever the original Axe Body spray flavor is.
Can’t answer that, but do y’all remember when Chivas USA existed and they just stocked it with C+ Mexican players and expected to walk away with every MLS trophy?
How’d that turn out?
That was HILARIOUS!
GALAXY.
Oh the redacteds derping.
I think that was the worst fucking field goal kick I have ever seen on my life.
But per Joe “I’ll think they will be fine”.
Jesus CTE is a cruel disease.
Joe thinks Dan Snyder did nothing wrong and should not have been fined $10M.
Joe is the bizarro world Tony Romo.
Joe:
I thought the Titans were all Covid-riddled. Why is this game being played?
$$$
The best teams are the ones that represents their state.
Soooo Decilitre just came out of his bedroom with his shirt and socks on and nothing else. “I don’t want to wear pants or underwear tonight”. You do you wee man.
Drink out of your Father Of The Year mug proudly.
Gotta let the boy(s) rock out!
Oh sure, but when I do that, the Applebee’s manager gets all pissy.
Just straight shirtcocking it? Toddler style?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOXsnyi-9BI
Yep. Socks, t-shirt and nothing else!
Knows to keep the feet warm. Kid’s a pro.
My goodness, I forgot how fine Zazie Beetz is.
El Trafico about to start.
Greatest teams in the greatest league in the mundo.
*Al Classico is tomorrow when Cavalry FC kicks the shit out of FC Edmonton!
The 51st best league in the world. Maybe.
I love Joe Theisman bitching about a roughing the passer call just because it was called against the Redacteds.
It wasn’t even a borderline call. It was a flag that gets thrown all the fucking time.
And this Huntley kid looks like Lamar Jackson with a better arm. God I hope this is just because the deadskins are garbage.
In Formula 1, George Russel managed to just barely get pushed out of the pole position for Williams Racing for the Brussel GP.
He only recently ever scored a point in a race. Williams basically has the budget of a girl scout troop and the car is a glorified sled.
Man oh man that was a crazy qualifying.
It was goddamn incredible. If he can go tomorrow, it’ll be fun to see Norris work his way through the field. Pretty gnarly tankslapper he had, and I think he had the pace to win the pole.
Russell’s run pretty much punted Valterri Bottas onto the unemployment line at Mercedes. It was a foregone conclusion anyway, but today sealed the deal.
Just turned on the Ratbird Washington Washingtons game.
Oh my god that first quarter efficiency from the redacteds.
Who is this Huntley kid for the Ravens and why is he looking so amazing …oh wait….redacteds.
How the fuck you doing boys?!?
Long time no comment. Hope everyone has been doing well in these trying times.
!!!
So glad to see you!
Welcome back…
I….I had no place else to go….
None of us do.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RfdTEc8V48o
Hey bud! Hope you are well! Welcome back!
A’s up 3-0 on the Yankees, and it looks like the streak ends at 13 wins.
That’s hard to do. Just ask the Orioles.
y’all just shifting focus to cock blocking the SAWX now
Watching the little league world series and Scut Farkus is pitching for Michigan.
Swear to God he’s got yellow eyes.
Finished watching GWS-Sydney. Did NOT expect the 4th quarter to play out like that.
When I was working out this morning it was basically a coin toss as to which game I watched, and I went with Lions-Demons. Looks like I chose poorly.
How’s your heart doing?
Hawaii is not very good.
(just trying not to get too excited about the Bruins’ competence today)
Looks like they finally have a defense…
Ordered delivery. Guy calls from downstairs, “Do you have an elevator?” “No, stairs are in front of you 3rd floor. “I am not going up stairs.” “I will just leave your food in the lobby.”
Fuck. Now I have to put pants and a shirt on.
Okay, but Fulham beat the piss out of Stoke today, so maybe you don’t *have* to wear pants?
Is this the type of thing where you can adjust your tip post hoc?
I contacted the delivery company as he went across the river for no reason and then did this.
They refunded me 50% so that is a win.
Wow, Beth Mowins! It’s like a live action That’s My Raiders on TV with Hawai’i as the star.
https://mobile.twitter.com/ussportsbonus/status/1431676415242551301
Get to a field hospital in Thailand if you like orgies and smoking!
https://thethaiger.com/news/national/field-hospital-raided-after-reports-of-covid-patients-doing-drugs-having-group-sex
Ah yes, the Robert A. Ryan Memorial Trauma Center, yes, I’m familiar with it.
I love how Nebraska is still using play action.
Its like when Army or Navy is down by four touchdowns, but they keep attempting the Triple Option Pass.
So:
Washington R______s = Unacceptable Use of Native Americans
Cleveland I_____s = Unacceptable Use of Native Americans
Notre Dame Fighting Irish = Unacceptable Use of a Stereotype
Illinois Fighting Illini = Acceptable Redundant Use of a BOTH a Stereotype and of Native Americans?
As I understand, students voted last year to change the mascot for Illinois, but it was a narrow win and the board hasn’t really agreed to much action beyond “we’ll take it under advisement.”
I’m okay with it as long as they have an agreement with the tribe or group of tribes (a la Utah Utes or Florida State Seminoles).
R*dsk*ns is obviously totally unacceptable, but if the people you’re naming the team after say it’s okay, then I think it’s just fine.
After today, they can be the Illinois Sunburned Coeds
Illinois Superspreaders
I used to have various ideas about what WFT should become but now I’m all-in on “Prayer Warriors”.
“No need to spend money on players or anything else. God will provide us with wins.”
-D. Snyder
“Why would I feed my players these medically approved steroids when I could just give them ivermectin paste that’s designed for horses?”
Chip Kelly’s sweaty tits
How did you get into my browser history I thought I was in incognito mode.
Oh, that’s the 2001 Fighting Illini. For a second, I thought I ended up in an Alternate Reality where Illinois won the Big Ten last year.
Good news: 9/11 didn’t happen. Taliban Afghanistan is the most progressive Arab country, second to Iran. Democrats and Republicans talk politely during the day to improve the country and then go barhopping hand in hand at night. Donald Trump is content as owner of the Las Vegas Bills. Conan O’Brien hosts the Tonight Show.
Bad News: Ohio State Buckeyes aren’t the Big Ten Champions.
Tough choice.
So this game is over, what’s next?
uh….next week?
TSN404 has Spanish Primera footy.
Yep, that is where I went.
My simulation has a heart breaker to the Bills in the snow.
I can live with that.
Dead Zebra! Got blindsided!
All of those girls in the header pic are 18, right?
“Eventually, unfortunately.”
-M. Gaetz
Well done.
/Bills announcer says, “Truth Biscuit will help immensely with Josh Allen’s preparation thru the season.”
Mental Note: Drop Allen 8-10 spots in your fantasy qb rankings
Combined, that QB room is still like 15 points short of MENSA cutoff
What the room lacks in IQ points is more than made up for in cases of horse de-wormer suppositories.
UTEP Miners -6.5 seems nice with some Boise St accion. I mean they named their team after Baby Jordan!
Ugh, stupid Civ 6 keeps crashing. I can’t even play 3 turns in a row. Trying compatibility mode.
Try booze.
It kind of seems like regular Civ is on its way to crashing, too.
Moar punt play derping!
Today is almost perfect.
Did some punt returner panic and attempt a drop kick through their own goal posts?
went to a knee to take the long snap
You have one job, Punter and Long Snapper. One job!
Deshaun Watson trade rumors: Dolphins reportedly emerging as frontrunner for Texans’ QB – CBSSports.com
The Era of Tua lasted about as long as the Age of Ultron.
Hahaha no Eagles for you Touchey McJerkoff!
Miami probably does have MOAR by way of rub-n-tug options.
Yeah Right steps into the chat…
You rang?
Bob Kraft nods.
You’d be surprised. Florida’s famous for its paid-sexy-time options, but Houston has a reallywide range of strip clubs and massage parlors.
I mean, that’s what this guy told me.
I’m of the mind that these rumoUrs are made out of the whole cloth that lay on certain massage tables.
That could be the final straw in my Dolphins fandom.
It’s one thing to have a player already on your team who’s accused of, or even done, bad things. It’s a tough decision to suspend a player and make your team worse, especially when all the facts aren’t out yet. But to voluntarily trade for a guy under a cloud like his just screams “we don’t give a shit about any of this and we bet our fans don’t, either.”
It’s funny because I’ve been trying to turn my back on the Raiders but Mark Davis keeps doing and saying lots of right things.
Man, there is NOBODY at the Rose Bowl today! Can’t say I blame them…
Too excite about BOLT UP!! pre-season, no doubt
That’s not social distancing either. That’s the crowd UCLA draws…
Even COVID-19 wouldn’t be caught dead in there.
I read somewhere UCLA doesn’t start school until well into September, so not a lot of people are even on campus right now.
Hippo, the Whites won again! You forget about the 2nd tier….
The Whites won again!
-every high school U.S. history textbook
“There was a Civil War, but it ended with the whites freeing the slaves. Good job, white guys!” – Christopher Titus
Another year of football. Another year of thread migrations.
Truly
Hippo!! Have you seen Dawn Davenport’s shoulders???
Google is presently being consulted
oh. my.
WOOOOOO!
NOW YOU GET TO SEE SOME REAL (mediocre) COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!
Guess I will find a stream.
It’s ESPN down here. Not sure how that happened, but hey.
She’s on TSN2 if you’re still cabled.
I am! I will get that on my comp as I am in bed with this head cold firing up the gambling machine as we speak.
For the love of God, DO NOT gamble on UCLA.
Chip Kelly can get fucked with a rusty screwdriver. My flavoUrs are a little bit more south of the border.
Didya have Puebla last night?
Nope. Needed to see a win before I hop on that train. Just bet on some Brazil and Argie Ball. Looking into SecsiMexi tonight.