The NFL starts in ten days, while we’re still in the homestretch of hurricane season. I saw no NFL items of note, while Ida struck Louisiana as a Category 4 hurricane, destroying the electrical grid. Having once gone four months without electricity at home, and several weeks without water service, here’s what to expect when Nature blasts you its middle fingers, plus some pointers that helped me liven an unexpected return to the Stone Age.

And just by seeing the title, you acknowledge being 100% at fault if you take any advice and things go less than splendidly. Put another way,

Flooding

You really shouldn’t spend a storm at your place if you live on a low-level area or near the coast. Seek out a family member or someone with a decent stash.

The other alternative is to seek shelter on a public building along with strangers who will ask to borrow your cellphone. Or not; I don’t wanna fall into stereotypes. Regardless, kiss your cellphone goodbye. And remember: confined spaces are where class resentment becomes an extreme sport.

So Your Insurance Doesn’t Include Flooding

Don’t be surprised; it’s common. “So water fucks my shit up I can’t get a cent from storm coverage?”, you rise from your seat, angry but intrigued.

Yes, flooding is commonly excluded–

storm coverage usually includes damages caused when the wind breaks or jars loose a window or door, allowing wind AND water to come inside and wreck stuff. Consumer advocates commonly recommend claimants to blame the wind. “What difference does it make?” asks everyone with a brain, to which the malevolent reply “please refer to the 02 06 28 99 Exclusion Rider”.

#Obviously insurance fraud is a crime and no one is advocating for deception.

Related:

First Aid kit

Keep a lot of the essentials: weed, bandages, triple antibiotic, opiates, and rubbing alcohol. Save the rubbing alcohol for treating wounds sustained by disobedient children and “I’m not a child!” elderly / teenagers. When sobbing subsides, take out a toothbrush and move it to continue cleaning the wound. Then we’ll see who’ll go out again on the wet porch.

Use Water Strategically

The indoor plumbing is shot. This is the bare minimum to endure several days without water.

Calculate a gallon of water a day per person. You can issue it ceremonially at breakfast.

If you value personal hygiene, consider whether filling a bathtub might work for you and your stinky kids / spouse / freeloaders. You can leave the tub without water for bathing with said gallon of water and a towelette. There is a bathing alternative below.

You will need water to flush the toilets, at least once a day. Have water set aside for that only; a gallon only may work, but you gotta dump it as fast as possible. Put it on a bucket and slam it without getting splash—

jk. You will get splashed 🤢.

If you really really wanna curtail the smells, having a Y chromosome helps. Men can pee anywhere; if yer extra special, pee into the bottle then throw the urine away or down a sink.

Essentials

-Alcohol. Apologies for its late appearance. During and after a catastrophe, some wits should be kept. So hard liquor is likely out, and reserved only for situations of reminiscing while on dry ground. Wine, yes; very fine. Beer gets complicated. If you like warm beer, you have nothing to worry about, as you are clearly an animal who will instinctively claw up the mountains days before a hurricane.

-Plastic disposable plates, forks, etc. Make unrecyclable your personal Fuck You to Nature.

-Disposable wet towels. Ah, Chubbs, the mainstay of every “Make Your Singles Apartment Less Threatening to Ladies” articles. King Hippo fans know that a Lebanese shower is armpits, ass, and genitals. Folks, lemme tell ya: a Lebanese Chubb does the job. If yer fancy, like me, one towelette per area, a technique tested after hurricanes and back when I pulled all-nighters at the office as a salaried employee. Now, as an entrepreneur, there is a shower next to the conference room / kitchen.

-Medicinal marijuana. In the alternative, weed.

-Board Games. Buy ‘em, play ‘em, give the silent treatment to the person who loses a die and makes everyone go to bed at 7:30 PM because there’s fuckall to do without electricity.

-Patience. There’s no other way: you and your family have to act as a team. Identify immediately who is the Antonio Brown of the house, and be honest placing yourself in the Tomlin-Gruden-Arians spectrum. Having no water or electricity is NAWT the time to bring up (much less solve), festering relationship problems or old slights. Or not. I dunno; we of the Catholic upbringin’ sure know how to repress shit for years and years and then BAM texts with the word “karma” start flowing like hush money from The Vatican.

MAJOR LEAGUE STATS

Full slate! Ooof. Very exact starts. All Times Central.

Filis (Wheeler, 10-9) @ DC Expos (Gray, 0-1) – 6:00 PM

Orioles (Ellis, 1-*0) @ Azulejos (Ray, 9-5) – 6:07 PM

Medias Rojas (Pivetta, 9-6) @ Tampa Rayas (Patiño, 3-3) – 6:10 PM

Balboas (Márquez, 11-9) @ Rangers (Alexy, -) – 7:05 PM

Y*nqu*s (Kluber, 4-3) @ Angelinos (Mayers, 4-4) – 8:38 PM

Padres (Paddack, 7-6) @ Serpientes (Gilbert, 1-1) – 8:40 PM

Cerveceros (Burnes, 8-4) @ Gigantes (Cueto, 7-6) – 8:45 PM

Bravos (Smyly, 9-3) @ Doyers (Urias, 14-3) – 9:10 PM

BOO ASTROS BOOOO (García, 10-3) @ Marineros (Flexen, 11-5) – 9:10 PM

Stay dry, be patient, have hope. And if you wanna chip in with paper towels, Bounty or gtfo.

All gifs via giphy.com.