Sorry Ravens rb Gub Dedwards, this does not apply to you. That’s shitty, what your ACL did to you earlier today.
So I hope you’ve got an extra special beverage and your very favourite snackie for the opener. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? We powered through with the help of the Euros, the Copas, the CONCACAFFEINATED and the Olympics among other thingies. But the time for speculating is done. (I’m kidding, we’re just getting started)
Thought I Had While Hiking-
Brady doesn’t seem completely unlikeable anymore. Whaa? I mean, I haven’t by any means done a 180 on the guy but now I don’t reflexively wretch when I see his visage. This gives you an idea of the extent of the pall that Belichick’s curmudgeonly arrogance casts over the Pats franchise. I don’t buy into any of that ‘Brady showed up Belichick’ nonsense. The former is just a damn good football player that has always put in the work and should be respected for that.
TO THE GAME!
Cowboys/Bucs:
-some prop bets that may interest you-
Zeke 53.5 rushing yds (meh)
Brady 306.5 passing (too high?)
A. Brown 4.5 catches (who knows who will have the hot hand?)
-Much has been made of the Bucs returning all starters but I think that injuries might take a toll this year. As for much being made on tudder side, far too many folks think that DAK! and the gang are going to pick up exactly where they left off before he went down. I say ‘Nope’. They’re going to be good, sure, but I think it’ll be a while before they hit their stride. If they fix the D, they’ll crush the latter half of the sked.
-Speaking of that D, all eyez are on one Anthony Brown at left cb. He’ll be picked on by opponents until he wracks up some int’s/collapses under the pressure.
-This is where Brady is going to go methinks. He has that habit of probing weak spots early on and then seems to go away from that player but then comes right back at him over the course of two, three or four consecutive sets of downs.
-Are you picking the Bucs for your Survivor Pool?
Well, that’s it. Those folks that have been on the sidelines, “WELCOME BACK, WE MISSED YOU!” To others that have thought about dick jokery, (joke dickery?) climb on board, it’s gonna be a great ride.
Three more Ravens starters were hurt and are out for the season from that opening ceremony.
And my dad already wants to throw a bottle at collinsworth’s head
Cris Collinsworth is still alive? Damn it, COVID-19! You had one job!!!
Matt Gaetz, MTG, and Greg Abbott are all still alive. COVID ain’t near done yet.
I was rooting for the Buccaneers to repeat until I heard their song choice. Now, I want them to go 0-17.
Oh that would be solid.
Let me clear my lungs
oh, the shoulders on that Camry ad gal.
Holy Bananas! The Plucky Canuck came back from 1-4 down to win the set 7-6!
Hell yeah!
I haven’t said this in about 50 years, but I hope the N-GCps win tonight. I love an upset, especially when the media personalities unanimously choose one team over the other.
I should add the LB from Pedo U hasn’t played grab ass for a year. He’s gonna grab all that ass tonight.
This game I call it my 1991 Ford Tempo in high school. I don’t like what’s involved or inside but it is all I got. Let’s go!
For me, it was an 1986 Pontiac Grand Am. I didn’t know how it was still running, let alone get up to Interstate speeds. All I knows is, it did it.
But the console lights turned off when the headlights were on. Which means, when I drove at night, the inside of the car was completely dark.
I miss that car.
Currently worth 8k on the used car market
Also, I don’t think a N-GCp victory is anywhere near impossible. Too many weapons on offense, and Team MRSA laid several eggs last regular season.
I guess this weekend we are going to be inundated with all kinds of 9/11 tributes and military flyovers and pre-game and half-time memorials and “where were Payton/Tom/Aaron on that fateful morning” segments. I don’t care about any of that shit, or where the fuck you were that day, unless you were in one of the towers and got out alive.
Just show me FOOTBALL!!!
Hey! I got a national defense ribbon for watching the towers fall on CNN.
You thank me fucker!!!
Hell, I got a Humanitarian Service Medal for picking up Vietnamese boat people in the South China Sea in 1983. Sweated a lot more sinking their boat than I did watching 9/11. 🙂
Oh, and good to see you back here for another season, shipmate.
Let’s celebrate us getting our asses kicked to initiate the big war we just fucking wrapped up losing
I had a coworker ask me about the pullout. I told him I just felt closure.
“So you didn’t do a lot of time there?”
“About 11 years”.
Anyone surprised how fast the Afghan government fell hasn’t been paying attention.
I was there 15 years ago. There’s no doubt in mind that things were any different this March than they were back then.
What a straight up fucking waste.
I was AF Civil Engineer in charge of the AF construction program over there; in-country lead when I was deployed there. I could see even then (2007-8) that it was not going to end well. The US always backs the greedy authoritarians over the ideologically-driven left-wingers (though the Taliban are certainly not Left Wing). Vietnam, Iran, Chile, on and on.
We Made it through another offseason boys!
That’s a smile and laugh that says “I’m suddenly reexamining all of my life choices.”
So as a brony Bengals fan you can relate?
My life’s motto is “If I’m not laughing, I’m crying.”
If anyone needs any last second betting “signs from God”, here’s a possible omen.
Giraffe at Louisiana zoo named for Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow dies after sudden illness (msn.com)
Harambe will allow no false gods in his kingdom.
[sheds a single tear]
-M. Glennon
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0sxwGlTLWw
Mike McCarthy looks like Chris Farley as bout 10 seconds into his overdose
Somehow, Dungy got even MOAR Nosferatu-ish. And Captain BlueBunny seems even fatter.
Ah, the first regular season game, where the seasonal DFO-ers return to the website, much like all the dusted superheroes returning in Avengers: Endgame.
I’m doing a weak half day tomorrow where I’ll in gonna go do is sign a form, hand out bonus checks, and take the bank deposit in. After that I’m driving the wife, kid, and dogs to some airbnb in Utah. It’s gonna be under 90, they’ve got a trampoline for the boy, and the wife and I are going to enjoy our first off-diet meal in 5 weeks. I’m amped. We haven’t gone anywhere in months and this is much needed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxupN_AdFDg
Is this a fucking concert or pregame show?
You will watch the officially sanctioned NFL content and like it.
Take the under on Zeke and the over on Brady. I’d probably take the over on Brown’s catches too, but I’m more inclined to leave that one alone since the only thing shakier than the Dallas D is Brown’s grip on reality.
I was tempted to take Tampa in the survivor pool, but I went with the 49ers instead, so a preemptive apology to all the SF fans here.
Oh, and HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS!?!?
It’s gonna be weird having all of us cheering for your squadron, ain’t it?
Yes. Yes it is.
the LB from Pedo U is a beast. Dallas Defense will be much improved.
We’ll see. Love that pick, but they didn’t do much to address the line, there are significant questions about how good/healthy the other two LBs are, and the secondary remains, shall we say, “flammable” at best.
I’m saving Tampa for later in the year, preferably after they’ve lost their first game and Tom Brady is in “I’m gonna make the other team my bitch” mode.
Gross, Drew Brees.
I dont want to hear a word about him unless its about him going to jail for tax evasion from his shady charity.
Despite being an alumnus from a semi-rival school in the same state, he is gonna spend all autumn sticking his tongue up Notre Dame’s arse. What an empty shell of a humanoid.
Or struck by lightning from an angry and vengeful god.
What’s this now?
THIS GUY, I CALL (fill in the blank)
I haven’t seen a (blank) like that since my prom
YEEEEeeeeeeHHAAAAAAWWWWWwwww I AM FUCKIN CRAZY!!!
/Dick joke
Alright pregame warm-ups are done.
HOW THE FUCK WE DOIN BOYS!?!
:: relatable simpsons gif::
Welcome back! How are all the other jello flavoUrs?
This whole summer was a shitshow of Trumpian proportions at Fortress LemonJello, but at long last our long national nightmare is fading.
ALL HAIL SHAN’KLOR AND THE REST OF THE FITBAW PANTHEON
Lofty if true.
Note: Brady was able to put in that work because said PEDs from Not-Dr Guerrero allowed his body to handle all those reps without the same injuries others would experience at the same practice load.
Kinda like how Marion Jones was able to handle all that extra speedwork.
Baltimore just lost their 2nd or 3rd RB (I lost count). Should I change my pick from them or trust the Raiders to lose?
I apologize for that. I drafted Gus Edwards. I should have known better.
I lost out of Ty’Son due to a last nano-second $2 bid. But I got Justice Hill for $1 right before he did his achilles.
Same. Snagged him the 3rd or 4th round and was feeling pretty smug about it.
Serves me right.
Think I went with ATL to win, because I am insane (but believe in Litre’s assessment of his Iggles). Loser pool is easier, take the Bearistocrats! all day.
The Towering Belarusian had The Plucky Canuck running all over the court but the latter has tied it up at 4 games apiece.
/damn, down 5-4
Towering Belarusian is phenomenal. She looks hot in one moment and the other she will crush me! Sort of an not hot enough Bond villainess.
She makes too much noise when she hits the ball.
I am in to noises.
why are these car dealers wasting money on ads right now? they have no inventory.
To try and get rid of the cars no one has wanted which is why they are still on the lot.
Today’s Great Hippo LYF PLAN – get absolutely doused by rain so I can get me haircut. Take 4 hour nap instead of doing my worky-work. Watch FITBAW, instead of doing worky-work. Stay up all night catching up.
took the kids to the dentist?
My barber works indoors, just sayin’.
NFL could just let me play youtube’d songs over the PI for free.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfGSd-tikH4&ab
do the curtains match the carpet?
Cut off his weiner, shove it down his throat, and let’s find out!
Money League – Dak!, Cooper, Greg el Leg
Pride/DFO League – Antonio Brown, CeeDee, Greg el Leg
On the bench, so I can curse the fates – Gallup, Horny Fourny
What y’all done got??
Hippo Associates league: CompactDiscLamb, Bucs D (vs Zeke, Godwin)
Old League: DAK
Newer League: Bucs D (vs Zeke)
DFO White Claw League: Zeke
I am conflicted on Zeke but would like a Brady injury.
Sorry if this is old news here, but this amused me
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/oh-my-fucking-god-get-the-fucking-vaccine-already-you-fucking-fucks
I just forwarded that. Too good!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6qcafgLHe4&ab
(The Narrator from Fight Club)
“I am Jack’s feeling of verified dread.”
Ja’Marr Chase responds to story claiming he can’t catch an NFL-sized football (msn.com)
Chase was asked how the balls were different and then the story spiraled towards ‘he can’t catch an NFL ball”. Pure silliness.
Chris Simms is ample proof that White Male Privilege and nepotism are still alive and well. THRIVING, even. Regardless of what some freaking college professor tweeted and will be repeated on Fox News ad nauseum.
/also 2nite we is all (well, like 90% of us) Non-Gendered!!!
The entire family should be wiped out, just so there will be no 3rd generation.
If they take enough Invermectin it will be so!
There has been reports of users getting abnormally low sperm counts, so I hope they all keep taking it.
Also, so they can shit their guts out until they die from dehydration.
See: Megan McCain, Jac Collinsworth, Britt Reid
If I’m non-gendered, can I still like women? What orientation would that be?
Damn it, guys, SHIT!, I mean non-gendered people! Is there a website or a pamphlet for the new acceptable terms?!
Also, if you will permit Evil Conservative Redshirt to speak for a second: Ahem. Quit woking society! People are starving and the world is fast-lane-ing its way to Mars-like. I agree gender identity is important but getting everyone turned into a PC-Paradise shouldn’t be the most important thing we should be working on right now! Also, Biden is completely embarrassing all Democrats with his ineptitude. If this was what you guys wanted, maybe we should’ve kept Trump. Better the Dementia, Gaffe-prone Devil we know. And as for the Democrats in Congress, they—HEY! LET ME GO! HELP! HELP!
Sorry for letting him have the mic for that long. I just stepped out for a beer and didn’t realize he’d go FoxNews that quickly. He’s back in my subconscious.
OF COURSE! It’s all cis-pink on the inside.
/and I hope everyone understands that I am poking gentle fun at woke-ism and at least TRYING not to be transphobic – to me, humour is always the way to deal with societal change
Fine with me. My biggest issue is people forget seem to forget about intent and consider any violation as an nigh-unforgiveable sin.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHxfOZH8cew&ab
Good preview, but I am still 100% on “Belicheat is less evil than MRSA Dreamboat” train and not sure we’s can be Spirit Animals NO MOAR.
Re: Brady
As a 50+ year fan of the Patriots, I am very glad that Brady helmed the team to 9 SB appearances in less than 20 years. Truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
That said, I never cared for him much as a person, he just kinda seemed like a one dimensional character. Belichick I didn’t mind so much; yeah he was dour and grumpy, but he does have a very subtle sense of humour when he chooses to display it.
I don’t imagine I’m going to see the P*ts in the SB again in my lifetime, and am fine with that. No point in being greedy.
YOU ARE NAWT A TRU FAN! T from Quinzee.
Shaddup Tawmmy, I was a Pats fan while you were still swimming around in your fahthah’s bawls.
Could ya let me know who he is? Maw can’t remember who he was, as there are so many passibilities.
They’re both Trump supporters and I’m not a Pats fan, so, yeah… fuck ’em both.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43on86AmOw8&ab
how come this shit isnt in 4k??
It’s 2021 for fucks sake.
Screw it, I’m going to have a beer.*
*4th one since August 5th-but I’m not counting!
am not exactly “on the wagon” but have cut out most liquor. i think i dropped 20 pounds just from that
I’m in the same boat. Dropped 15 lbs.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POCUgBSVENQ&ab
So, for some damn reason, I’m really looking forward to this football season. I’m actually going to plop down on the couch most Sundays and watch football all day.
I know it’s weird considering I had disowned my team and all that. It’s not like I’m really passionate about the Steelers again. Maybe it’s because the Patriots are back to normal and there are no teams the league blatantly favours quite yet? I dunno, I just am really looking forward to watching football again.
I’ve worked most weekends for the last several seasons. While I could watch the night games, day games for pro and college were few and far between. With this new job, I’ll be off weekends, so I’ll be able to consume a LOT more football! My daughter is 6-1/2, which is a perfect age to really cultivate a fandom and connection with her over my favorite sport.
In short: I am also really looking forward to this season.
The sport is great, the athletes are world class, and I’ll stop before I embarass meself
&ct=g
One of us. ONE OF US!!!!!!
Yeah I was really checked out last season too but think Ill be reeled back in this season. Had filled it up with AEW methodone to make up for lack of trash talking but need both now.
Heads Up its Football time.
Hola Gringos!
Im here for the Dr. Pimple Popper Marathon.
WOOOO!!
For some reason my Facebook feed has been full of that pimple popping shit, how can some of those people let their skin get like that? So gross, but I still have to make myself turn those off.
More black heads than a South African shanty town.
(vomiting noises)
Good God man. I only need to see an ad for that show and I’m retching for the next 20 minutes.
My parents, in their 80s, love that show. Blech.
It would be nice and alliterative if they could get Dr. Pepper as corporate sponsor.
American announcers forced to talk about The Dirty Canuck Fernandez.
#closetheborder
The paper calendar said the truth: it’s here!
FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL
Oof! I’ve got a derby with Hippo right out the gate in Freezer Vodka league.
Umm, I guess every game is a derby in that league. Ignore me.
I’m up against Don T. Need a big night from Brady to get things going.
/Brady breaks leg