Scene: Interior Halas Hall.  The entire Bears brain trust [sic] sits around a mahogany table talking about the current roster, coaching staff, and other personnel.

SO HOW DO WE THINK THE TEAM IS LOOKING THIS YEAR?

Better than my face?  Look, I’ll bet my job that we can be competitive, even while we build for the future. Maybe even contend for a playoff spot.

WOW THAT WOULD BE AMAZING. IT WOULD BE GREAT TO HAVE A WINNING TEAM OUT IN ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, I THINK THAT WILL BE CLOSER TO MY FUNERAL PLOT. WILL THE NEW QB BE READY TO DO MY BIDDING?

I mean, the plan has always been to start Dalton and bring Fields along when he’s ready. It’s the best thing for the rookie’s development and for the team’s chances to contend.

WHAT DO YOU THINK COACH, ARE YOU FEELING GOOD ABOUT THIS 2021 SEASON ABOUT TO START?

[….]

YOU DON’T SAY MUCH, DO YA KID? THAT’S OK, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I WASN’T EVEN ALLOWED TO READ.

[…..]

ALRIGHT, GET HIM OUT OF HERE

[Under his breath] Soon enough…

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

WHAT THE SHIT?!  AFTER ALL I’VE GONE THROUGH? ALL THE GAMES I’VE MISMANAGED, THE KICKERS I’VE PSYCHOLOGICALLY TORTURED IN PRACTICED, THE GOODWILL I’VE SQUANDERED WITH EVERY CORNER OF THE FRANCHISE AND THE FANBASE AND YOU’RE GOING TO FIRE UP THE RUMOR MILL ABOUT FIRING ME NINE WEEKS INTO THE SEASON?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, THE SEASON HASN’T STARTED YET.  RYAN, GET THIS ANGRY TOMATO OUT OF OUR BOARD ROOM SO WE CAN PLAN OUR LONG TERM STRATEGY TO MOVE TO SANTA CLARA OR THE WISCONSIN DELLS OR SOMETHING.

[Stares blankly]

[….]

[says nothing, is flagged for taunting]

SHIT I THINK MIKEY SWITCHED UP MY STOOL SOFTENER WITH IRSAY’S STUFF AGAIN. I’M GOING TO GO LIE DOWN, WAKE ME WHEN WE MAKE THE PLAYOFFS. WHICH OF YOU CAN HANDLE THAT?

/FIN

As you may have surmised, these 2021 Chicago Bears are NOT making the playoffs.

You know how the phrase “embarrassment of riches” is dumb? You know what’s dumber?  Signing Andy Dalton to be a 2021 starter. Also me not being sure if I was on the hook for the Bears preview this season so just not writing anything and it now being time for the bye week update.

Not unlike the McCaskey family, the season really snuck up on me, and I have no idea what I’m doing. The Bears’ best QB started the season on the bench, showed flashes of brilliance despite Coach Nagy doing his best to make sure the game plan doesn’t really give him a chance to throw the ball, and has alternated between awesome to watch and typical rookie garbage with an added dose of CAN THIS OFFENSIVE LINE GIVE HIM MORE THAN 2 SECONDS TO THROW THE BALL?!

David Montgomery started the season as the clear number 1 RB but my first draft of this post from the actual preseason predicted he’d be hurt before Tarik Cohen returns from the PUP list (which apparently the GM doesn’t understand), and yup, that was correct. Allen Robinson the Second is good and Mooney showed flashes last year but neither has been anything too special, there were FIVE Tight Ends on the opening roster, 63 year old Justin Peters is the starting left tackle, the defense has had to stay on the field WAY too much, and the special teams unit hasn’t been as “special” as usual.

Oh and did I mention that Henry Burris is on the coaching staff?  Offensive quality control assistant from a guy whose quality as a quarterback* might best be described as offensive.

*Note: This uncharitable description applies to his NFL performance, I’m aware Burris was a star in Canuckian football.

Andy Dalton got hurt early enough to spare himself some embarrassment and earn way more money than any of us holding a clipboard.  So good for him, I guess.  In the meantime, this team is 3-6, has shown flashes from Fields and fellow rookie Khalil Herbert, but this team isn’t a year away from anything.  Down the stretch they have the Ravens at home (a game that looks a lot more winnable after the bedshitting the Ratbirds had against SeaBrisket and One Armed Tua); the Lions in Detroit on Turkey Day (perhaps another tie?); the Cardinals at home (no idea); Packers in Green Bay (more on that in a second, but they ain’t winning that one); the SexBoats at home on Monday night (Capt Dingleberry could gift that one); the SeaChickens after DangeRuss comes back (so no bueno for los osos; the Giants at home (healthy Saquon and improving Danny Dimes….interesting); and then in Minnesota for Sex Boats again.

So BEST CASE scenario they’re 9-8, far more likely to be 6-11 or 6-10-1. And then what happens? The Bears don’t have a 1st or 4th rounder in the draft due to the trade with the Giants to pick Fields, or a 7th, but they do have two 5ths.  Khalil Mack is aging, the O-Line should be sent to space, and this team and its owner still have no fucking clue what they’re doing.

And my enmity toward the NFL has built to the point where I’m barely hate watching.  Getting older and busier has made it easier to skip the Sunday marathons, and if it weren’t for you pantsless dick joke aficionados, I sure as shit wouldn’t be watching Thursday Night Crapfests.  But what makes matters worse is….

The Ginger Hammer ROYALLY fucked up the Q-Aron mess. Obviously FUCK THAT GUY, and seriously, Aaron Rodgers, I hated you but I respected you, and now, I fucking despise you.  You put yourself and your teammates at risk, you lied about being “immunized”, flagrantly violated COVID protocols, breathed within inches of teammates who thought you’d been vaccinated, AND THEN HAD THE UNMITIGATED GALL to blame the “woke mob” for coming after you. A through D) GO FUCK YOURSELF.  E) The “party of personal responsibility” types have really stopped giving a shit about anything beyond “if the libs want it, it’s bad even if it means I’m eating horse paste and shitting myself and possibly killing someone’s grandma now because I refuse to do what they do”. and F) You’re a gimp.

The fact that Rodgers got fined $14k for violating protocols and knowingly lying about it is insane and infuriating. The fact that the Packers KNEW ABOUT IT and only got fined $100k is even more insane to me.  The hated Patriots got far worse for playing with balls and videotapes and whatnot.  Rodgers should have been suspended for at least one game, the Packers should have been fined a helluva lot more and been docked a draft pick or two. And all of them can rot in hell because they make me even less inclined to watch the game I’ve loved my entire life.  FUCK THE LOT OF THEM.

Oh, and fuck State Farm, too.  I’ve been a State Farm customer since I was 16.  They have yet to respond to my DM asking if I can lie about my medical history when my life insurance policy comes up.  No fucking integrity in this world from anyone, and these assholes should be ashamed of themselves.

This concludes your 2021 Chicago Bears season preview and bye week update.