Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t.
Welcome to Winter for those of youz in the Northern Hemisphere. For all those in the southern hemisphere, [In your best Olaf voice] Welcome to Summer. I assume we have some Southern Hemisphere readers, which makes me think that I have a) no clue where most of yallz are from and b) that I really should learn how to write better. It’s the solstice, so either get lots of sun or like none. Hoping that what little sun we do get in the next few days doesn’t melt the snow so we get a white Christmas. The snow can then go away until next Christmas it it were up to me. Team sick of shovelling already, here. I get with climate change that snow on the ground for Christmas is going to be a rarer and rarer event, but hey I can want a postcard looking Christmas outside.
There are NFL games tonight. I guess it’s better than last year when they made some team ( Browns?, Bengals?, I can’t recall and a quick search does nothing) play with the back ups to the backups due to the Covids but without moving the kick off time. While I hope the players and coaches all recover and without issues, I want a game tomorrow as well, so we get football every night for awhiles. Cause why not?
As a reminder, this post will cover comments made up to and through the Saturday Night Open Thread. Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post. Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
DR. MRS. DEADLY: I bought some glass spray bottles for the master bathroom.
RIKKI: Intentionally bringing glass into a place where we are often barefoot is very dangerous please let’s not do this.
DR. MRS. DEADLY: No, no, it’ll be fine.
RIKKI: I don’t normally argue this strongly about things but this is a very terrible idea, please no.
DR. MRS. DEADLY: I like the way it looks. We’re doing it.
–
You’ll never guess what happened today!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
I was still impressed by the Bears managing to suck less than the vacuum of space for almost a whole half!
While I hope we don’t end up with the Narrative Bowl, if such a horribl thing happens I will be firmly on the side of Darth Hoodie. The announcing set a new record for insufferableness, even just in the bits shown on Red Zone.
The league (and colleges and probably high schools) needs to provide actual medical care to players, not just painkiller injections and orthopeaedic surgery when players can’t actually stand, even with the good drugs. You shouldn’t have elite athletes dying of seizures at 33, just like you shouldn’t have medical staff ignoring tumors, or rheumatologists in charge of head injury procedures. Whatever happened with that 2017 lawsuit? I’m guessing fuck all. The players would be better off buying their own health insurance off the Obamacare exchanges than going with the Hollywood Upstairs Medical School care provided on the job.
Doktor Zymm
The best game yesterday was the Grey Cup.
ballsofsteelandfury
Anyway, it’s 9:23 EST, and I am sure enough of a Packers win to wrap this column up
Narrator: He was right
Sharkbait
So LA has the 2022 Superb Owl.
Next year? Arizona.
Just announced the 2024 will be VEGAS BABY.
Need a DFO trip with chartered planes and suites at Bellagio.
Zymm, get working on this please and thank you.
SonOfSpam
For the Die Hard die hards
Don T
The more painting I get done, the more I realize how little care or effort the shitty professional painters put in. Today I painted behind the radiators, where they didn’t bother to paint. How did I accomplish this epic task? I WENT TO THE HARDWARE STORE AND BOUGHT A MINI ROLLER FOR $3, THEN DIPPED IT IN PAINT AND MOVED IT UP AND DOWN ON THE WALL.
Doktor Zymm
whoa whoa whoa, I need you to go over that again, not all of us here are doktors.
hippofant
Wife is vomiting, Deci just sharted and Litrepug just pooped on the floor. All atthe same moment.
I need Kupp to outpoint DHop to backdoor into the plaoffs in one of my money lgs. Hail Gamblor.
litre_cola
Congrats on being the only living thing in your house not leaking!
Doktor Zymm
Redshirt
Damn, thanks for showing off my posts, GTD.
Since I’ve hit my quota for the year, can I go home or is this like Amazon/candle factory rules where I have to stay until the Clubhouse crashes down in our heads?
Redshirt
It’s more of a “Hotel California” type situation. You can log out any time you like, but you can never leave.
Sharkbait
The thought that Tawmmy [from the Pats bye week post] has reproduced is chilling.
Dunstan
DR. MRS. DEADLY: Hey, did you pick out a photo for us to use for our Christmas card this year, like I asked?
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: [smiles]
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
My mother in law believes that John F. Kennedy Jr. is still alive. Also, she believes that people who aren’t vaccinated get headaches when they are around vaccinated people.
You just can’t fix stupid
jjfozz
The headache thing might be real, because I am vaccinated and liable to smack people like that in the head
Doktor Zymm
I am a fan of my new bed. I don’t think we’ll ever have another April 2020 style lockdown, but if we do, I WILL SLEEP SO HARD LIKE WHOA
Doktor Zymm
Last funny;
Just saw someone describe crypto as ‘Mary Kay for young men’ and now I’m dying.
rockingdog
Hey so the folks over at r/HermanCainAward have adopted my blood donation idea – I’m giving on Thursday and I hope everyone would consider making a donation of their own this holiday season:
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
And to copy from last week…does it matter whose blood we donate?
SonOfSpam
We have smurf overlords, well why the smurfing smurf don’t they smurf the everloving smurf out of those smurfing smurfs who smurf the smurf out of smurf? Isn’t it their smurfing job? Smurf them and the smurfing smurfs who smurfed up!!
ArmedandHammered
Anyone playing the smurf drinking game just died.
Doktor Zymm
I think ArmedandHammered smurfed so much smurf, he can’t even smurf without smurfing.
SonOfSpam
Found a funny;
My body: “Hey, man, wake up. I know it’s four am but we gotta go to the bathroom.”
Me: “Ok but we can go back to sleep after, right?”
My body: “Of course of course of course”
back in bed five minutes later
Me: “Can we sleep now?”
My body: “lol no you complete idiot”
rockingdog
Redshirt
Found a funny;
Smashing Pumpkins is my favourite:
1) band
2) phrase used by an upper middle class British father to praise his two young children
rockingdog
Khan: I’m not going make a rash decision.
Khan (One day later): Meyer is fired.
Mr. Ayo
That’s hilarious that they dumped the news so late at night.
It’s like they’re not remotely aware that the Internet is on 24 hours a day.
ballsofsteelandfury
Yo Urban
Sharkbait
The NHL is really bringing it today. The Blackhawks lawyer (remember that sexual assault thing?) released a statement saying, ” The parties are pleased to announce that today’s mediation resulted in a confidential settlement between the Blackhawks and Kyle Beach.” Otherwise known as, “We paid Beach a fuckton of money so that he can never talk about his dreadful experience and he can’t even say anything about the wording of this press release either, sucker.”
scotchnaut
NOVA is such a good series. Been on TV forever, but never really appreciated for the fantastic insights into science.
Oh… and, uh, boobs and football rule. Yeah!
TheRevanchist
“Eleven seconds? Never leave Mahomes/Rodgers/Brady that much time!”
Peter King, breaking in new knee pads.
Beerguyrob
We’re all rooting for tie, right?
Beerguyrob
Always root for the tie or, failing that, scorigami, unless fan interests or strong schadenfreude considerations dictate otherwise.
Dunstan
Oh whoa
Also, the NFLPA is currently pushing aggressively for a postponement of the Raiders-Browns game on Saturday. Some in the union believe the entire season should shut down for a week. The union is concerned about player safety and game integrity.
— ProFootballTalk (@ProFootballTalk) December 16, 2021
rockingdog
Too bad the NFLPA is the worst union since Henry VIIIs marriage to Anne Bolyn
Doktor Zymm
LOL 😂
“How you gonna get fired on your day off?”
rockingdog
Thoughts and prayers for our LA contingent as they shelter in place during this significant weather event…
LemonJello
I’ve got all my survival kits stationed at the ready to survive this rainstorm.
It’s not only raining, it’s cold! So cold that even guys with broken spines are shivering. That’s cold!
Brick Meathook
The frost will cull the homeless
Spur
“Hmm? Oh, yes, yes. The frost.” — scotchnaut, sharpening his knife
Dunstan
Oldest just got into University of Tennessee.
jjfozz
@jjfozz congrats on the spawn’s acceptance to Tennessee, here’s to hoping he comes home with the prized Teabag Award.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
I posted something in Facebook tonight about me and my son, I worked in the fact he got his vaccine booster just to piss off the fucktards in my wife’s family who are anti vaxers.
hoping my mother in law saw it.
jjfozz
Redshirt
Found a funny;
principal: you need to wear a mask
11th grade english teacher: whomst among us has not found the human conditon to be that of wearing a mask
principal: jesus christ bill
rockingdog
The Hogwarts ride was fun, everything else seems to have a 40+ minute line and I have other, better ways to waste my life
Doktor Zymm
The mustache ride never has a line.
Mr. Ayo
RIDE STAFF: Welcome back, Eli!
PATRON: Eli? Who is Eli? My name is, um, Pey…nterson. Yes, Jack Painterson, and I’m here to enjoy this ride for the first time in my life.
RIDE STAFF: You know, Eli, you don’t need to wear a disguise. You can ride it as many times as you want.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Time for a Duff!
Doktor Zymm
Most ladies would be happy to have two Duffs in one day
Mr. Ayo
This is fucking great.
Kyrie Irving has entered the league’s Covid protocols, team says.
— Adrian Wojnarowski (@wojespn) December 18, 2021
Mr. Ayo
Well, if he dies they can put him on a Viking longboat and shove him over the flat end of the Earth.
He would have wanted it that way.
Horatio Cornblower
With the NFL’s amended schedule, we now have games Today, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday.
8 of the next 10 days have NFL games.
Buckle up.
Thats ROCKING!!!!!!
rockingdog
Found a funny;
gonna miss having a company xmas party this year
– drinking one bud light platinum while your boss stares at you
– stuck talking to The Cancer Guy for 45 minutes
– work crush’s boyfriend is like the most popular guy there, dances really cool, somehow wins the employee raffle
rockingdog
I’m still pretty stoked that Doug Ericksen is dead. What a piece of shit. The world is genuinely much better off.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Jesus says “Love one another. Except Doug Ericksen. Fuck that guy.”
Gumbygirl
JONATHAN TAYLOR IS A GODDAMN MAN!!!
Horatio Cornblower
THIS GUY JONATHAN TAYLOR, I CALL HIM IVERMECTIN BECAUSE HE’S KEEPING THESE COLTS ALIVE IN THE PLAYOFF HUNT!
LemonJello
THIS GUY HUNTER HENRY, I CALL HIM SANTA ANITA RACETRACK BECAUSE HE’S KILLING THESE COLTS!
LemonJello
Hunter Henry sounds like two thirds of a gun-making company.
scotchnaut
Hobo Huntin’ Hunter Henry!
ballsofsteelandfury
That’s their knife subsidiary.
LemonJello
If I had 10 million dollars, we would be watching the JJD Pornhub Goatse Bowl.
If you ordered one cup of beer at said bowl, it would be served to you by two girls
Doktor Zymm
Domino’s is trash, but I’m 100% behind them on their campaign to stamp out restaurant delivery app companies. Fucking vultures. Pick up your own food or have the restaurant deliver it themselves, then tip heavily.
Fucking door dash vultures.
Horatio Cornblower
Rodgers playing on Christmas was by request. He didn’t have any family to be with so he figured why waste the day.
Spur
Why does the turf at The Gravy Boat look like cheap 70s shag carpet?
LemonJello
It was installed incorrectly, and they won’t pay to fix it. True story.
NotShogunButShogun
I love when my weekly fantasy football conundrum is instantly solved by Scotchy’s choice of banner pic.
[lights cigar with $100 bill]
[realizes cigar and money are actually cat’s hairball and Covid shot record]
[simultaneously vomits and punches self repeatedly in own head with flaming document]
[recovers]
[smiles bravely]
[gives “thumbs up” with trembling hand]
Fronkenshteen
I just want to point out that NOWHERE on nfl.com did they say a single word about Parham. No mention of his injury, treatment, diagnosis, status, or hospital discharge. What a bunch of bastards.
Doktor Zymm
Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
Stay busy and safe out there.
NOTE banner image from here
Bills placed WR Cole Beasley on the reserve/COVID list.
Heh.
Not going to be surprised when we find out this guy’s name was Brocky.
I’m on the banner! And it’s not even self-awarded this time!
Dok Zymm was on a goddamn roll this week.
When she gets her pad in Kyiv, it will be DFO’s version of Mecca.
Im assuming that will be after the Russians invade Ukraine?
It will be like Delphi, and we will go to consult the Oracle!
This should be good.
https://www.cnn.com/2021/12/21/business/coal-miners-joe-manchin/index.html
After the Omega Tau variant runs its course, I’d be amenable to a DFOCon.
Omicron Persei 8, but yes
I second DFOCon: Superb Owl edition in Vegas.
I third. I would like to actually meet everyone if possible. Just please don’t let it be like highschool where the cool kids would say to meet at one place and they would actually meet up somewhere else. It was so cold…, and lonely…., and there were wolves…..
I’m in
There will be DFOCons again. Next year, in Wichita, next year in the holy land.
We leave a chair for the prophet, uh, tWBS?
DFOCon East in NYC right?
New Haven. Pizza’s better and Don T already knows how to get there.
At least you got an invite. I was told they didn’t want me to go.
Ok, who has the big mouth here?
My money’s on Nancy Reagan. It’s well known she can’t keep it shut.
I’d love to see a Clerks mashup meme, with housecoat wearing Ronnie as Dante – how many dicks did you suck, Nancy?
“Including mine???”
“Hey, try not to suck any dick on your way through the parking lot…Hey, you! Get back here!”
It was crueler this way, which made it much more attractive. You tell someone they don’t want you to go, it only lasts for a few moments, ditch them and your sadistic fun lasts the entire night.
and THAT is how Armed and Hammered ended up at North Carolina State University!
Even if I (probably) don’t got the scratch, I third it.
Can the rich commenters sponsor the poor commenters, or does it not count if you don’t have Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” playing?
Oh, do you not have the finances to afford the fare for Acela’s Quiet Car to Wichita? Pity.
I just found out I gotta pay a $10K repair job when my hybrid car reaches 100,000 miles. I’m still doing research to confirm but if true, expect a profane venting post with the details.
That can’t possibly be right. Who would buy such a ca…(reads thread of Elon Musk fanboys defending his highly flammable cars that can’t distinguish a fire truck from the fucking road)…Oh. Oh dear.
Those same fanboys would defend me spending $10,000 to replace the lithium-ion battery on a six year old car worth $7,000, just to continue to save $375 a year.
Plus even if I do replace it and it lasts to 200,000 miles, I gotta spend another $10,000 on a twelve year old car worth $1,500.
If this is what hybrids and electric cars are worth, the planet is screwed.
For $10k, you might as well buy a new car
I suspect that’s the whole plan.
Would you be amenable to purchasing a car that runs off a tiny nuclear reactor? You would only have to replace the teensy fuel rods every couple of hundred years or so!
I might be able to work something out, I can check up to 3 bags free
Let’s make it fucking so.