In the Caribbean, at a dinner table littered with work papers, sits something in a dark blue suit. He would be handsome, if not for the Steve Bannon hair and figure. He is doodling happy faces, with dollar-sign eyes and tongue, around the phrase “Statehood for Puerto Rico NOW!”–and is negotiating by phone a lease for office space.
Your ad says there’s a shared bathroom for the whole floor. Considering the current [sigh] public health situation, let me ask you: does the common bathroom have marble floors? Because I find that with my high-profile [pause]. I see. How about the faucets? I can go as low as pewter given my stand—OK, that’s fine. [Pause] No! Far from it. $3,000 a month for a corner of a long table in a coworking space, tch, is peanuts. For that location? Peanuts! But how are you handling the, uh, new Covid restrictions as to occupancy and social distancing? [Pause] I ask because sometimes I have to negotiate multi-million dollar transactions by telephone and I want to make sure they are overheard. U huh. U huh.
Jingling of keys from outside is heard
I would have to run the numbers with… [picks up business card from ice cream shop] my accountant. But looks doable. Yes, yes.
Door flies open, The Host enters
The Host: Thought I heard scheming. What are you doing?
Right Wing Devil: Alright. Have a very prosperous New Year. [Hangs up, turns to The Host]. You need an office, and I’m just exercising the full surrogate powers given.
The Host: [stares]
Right Wing Devil: I have to say: nice Diggler’s Donuts T-shirt! It’s gotten [tilts head] a bit tight around the abdomen, I see. But I’m proud you chose formal attire to get a booster vaccine.
The Host: Long line too! I could’ve used your company.
Right Wing Devil: Psht. I don’t do plebe stuff. All I’m good for is business and ladies.
The Host: [Mulls it over, imperceptible nod]
Right Wing Devil: Besides, heh. I read something interesting today. Do you wanna know the percentage of vaccinated folks who’ve turned up positive in PCR tests? Tell me a number. Tell me.
The Host: [Rubs hands with hand sanitizer]
Right Wing Devil: Yeah, this is what you say: “Fill me up with mystery chemicals that don’t protect me. Fill my body, fill it!”
The Host: [Rubs face with both hands, inhales alcohol fumes]
Right Wing Devil: Don’t get me wrong. I’m enjoying all this [spins right wrist dramatically] his TERIA over a light cold that fattens the Pharma Goose. Even more than chemo! Heh. Talk about a seasonal revenue stream. Speaking of [turns to laptop, scrolls] there’s an Astra Zeneca listing in LinkedIn—
The Host: Satanás, por favor.
Right Wing Devil: What?
The Host: Stay off LinkedIn.
Right Wing Devil: [Closes InPrivate tab]
The Host: Listen, in the vaccination line, there was a teenager and an old man in front of me and both were afraid to get pinched.
Right Wing Devil: Did you cut in front of them? Passed by them and whispered puuusssssaaaayyyy?
The Host: Yes and… It may have crossed my mind.
Right Wing Devil: My Boy! [Goes for high five, gets Tom Brady’d]
The Host: [Looks around] Where’s Ángel?
Right Wing Devil: [Annoyed upwards gaze] Left Wing Angel is likely taking a pronoun awareness webinar—I don’t know! Let me check his cubicle:
Right Wing Devil: Yeah, he’s still gone.
The Host: [Shakes head…] OK, go take the suit and the polka dot tie to the dry cleaner.
Right Wing Devil: I can also swing by a Burlington to buy you some nice polos and boating shoes. Visa, please [extends hand]
The Host: [“Please insult my intelligence more, asshole” stare]
Right Wing Devil: Or just return those Nautica shirts. I didn’t know their XL runs tiny…
The Host: [Extends middle finger]
Right Wing Devil: You are stifling my creativity in this flunky role, you know?.
The Host: Git!
Right Wing Devil leaves, The Host sits in front of laptop
NFL NEWS
There’s no game tonight. Oddly, it doesn’t feel like it’s left a huge hole during these Book of Covid – Volume II times. To be honest, all that NFL last week got me ponderin’. Ever have too many beers before and after a burger and fries? Nothing really objectionable there.
Counterpoint:
Yep. The Olds were right: there is too much of a good thing.
Lousy wisdom [shakes fist]
Two weeks of just Sunday, plus the last MNF in a coupla days, sounds like a colon cleanse before the playoffs. And yet, doesn’t feel rapey.
As of this morning, the House Organ had few actual news.
-On Sunday, Sam Darnold will start for the Panthers against the ‘Aints. We need an investigative report on Charlotte area tailors to see if Matt Rhule has had any recent fittings for a Nero tunic.
-HARF HARF THE BEN QUITS AFTER MNF
-Notable PR service: Q Aron is not ruling out retirement after the 2021 season. I think any traction this tiny snippet could get only benefits Q Aron. The math, though, is disturbing: 2021 Jordan Love = 2007 Aaron Rodgers
I wouldn’t mind much if Jordan Love wins as many Owls as Q Aron and Favre, but that would require present failure and future success for The Pack. Regardless, I trust the rest of the NFC North will rise to the occasion with spite and vitriol.
Espen has the current playoff standings. I’m rooting for an 8-9 playoff team.
And for Sunday, GO BENGALS! #Obviously
As to those making the FF championship, best wishes to Game Time Decision in his work league. As to those playing in the final in the leagues I’m in: get drenched in garbage juice, you fucken bastards. Oh! A Covid outbreak dictated your playoff success. Goody! Go on and tell your mama, she’ll be so proud of another personal triumph in which you fell into without doing squat shit.
In sum, if you don’t reinvite me for next year, I’ll cut ya.
🔪
SPROTS TONITE
All times Central, listings from Espen Deportes.
Hockey! Hockey! Hockey!
Canadiens @ [INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK] – 6 PM
Lightning @ Panthers – 6 PM
Predators @ Blue Jackets – 6 PM
Sabres @ Islanders – 6:30 PM
Flames @ Kraken – 9 PM
Canucks @ Kings – 9:30 PM
Flyera @ Sharks – 9:30 PM
NBA
Sixers @ Nets – 6 PM
Bucks @ Magic – 6 PM
Cavs @ Wizards – 6 PM
Warriors @ Nuggets – 8:30 PM
JV Ball Bowls
We now turn to el socio Balls of Steels and Fury for the previews:
Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl – Hotlanna, GA
Pitt Panthers v. Michigan State Spartans – 6 PM
Worth noting, Balls is the straightest of shooters:
I don’t care what you are or what you believe in. You make a damn good burger or chicken sandwich, I’ll support you.
I have zero problems with that, or with chicken sammiches or burgers. Yet, as someone who’s been cooking almost daily for now a coupla years, gotta say: anything breaded and fried is succulent. And my bar for a burger is pretty, pretty low. So, you know, if I wanted any of those, I would prefer to get them anywhere but Chick-Fil-A.
Now, if we were talking about pizza, well… For outstanding pizza, I would definitely lower my woke shields and let my dignity take a hit.
[There’s some mumbling and jangling of keys heard from outside]
SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl
Wisc. Badgers (-6) v. AZ State Sun Devils – 9:30 PM
The game will be held in the Raiders’ new stadium, which will be nice for ASU coach Herm Edwards as it will bring back fond memories of the NFL. ASU coeds will be well-familiar with the city’s strip clubs, so that will be nice for them. Finally, the Wisconsin fans will be VERY happy to go to Vegas as they will have many buffets to choose from.
I like Herm. He seems like the kinda guy—
[There’s still some mumbling and jangling of keys heard from outside]
The Host: Who’s there? Is that you, Ángel?
Left Wing Angel: [from outside the door, very hoarsely] Crack open a window.
The Host gets up and opens a window outside.
The Host: [Looks out the window] Hey Ángel, you look, uhhh… Wow. Wanna come in and grab a… shower?
Left Wing Angel: Fuck. You [grabs crotch, turns around, falls down the stairs, gets up, and ambles away]
To be continued?
Gif via giphy.com; banner from aleteia.org.
Lady BFC is now also watching Emily in Paris, so I’ve made myself another Manhattan and am finishing personnel reviews.
Scenario:
World’s ending. You’re in a life boat with 20 others and it’s meant to hold 12.
You’ve got one pitch!
You’re turn.
If the world’s ending, a lifeboat won’t change anything. Find the hottest girl on the lifeboat and give her the “whaddya say we leave with a bang?”
Balls wins for consistency!
“Imagine if you will. A man named Balls of Steel and Fury. His last chance for survival. Not just survival but the survival of the Balls lineage. His last chance is to bang the buffet line waitress in order to pass his seed to the unnamed and irradiated masses in what is now known as The DFO Zone. “
*your
/is promptly thrown overboard
“Anyone want this spot? Later.”
/dives into the abyss
Who was saying that Payton Oswalt belongs in the clubhouse?
https://twitter.com/pattonoswalt/status/1476780359366811660?t=Xbl83T8S5RoqY91KEaRnOg&s=19
As a resident of Southern California I offer up this unusual sentence:
Can we get a little break from the rain down here?
You know?
I little sunshine or something over here?
I had back to back harrowing fucking drives between home and work.
This town wasn’t made for rain
Otherwise, happy new year family!
Off until Tuesday.
My name is party boy and I’m ready to party.
I’ve been snowed in for a week. You’ll be just fine.
Eldest brother moved to Carson City during the raging pandemic last year.
He sent me a text on Christmas day saying; “It’s snowing!”
His first white Christmas.
8 hours later he said it’s a blizzard.
He hasn’t left the house since.
We didn’t get jack shit up here. Verra disappoint!
The Northeast has been mostly overcast and rainy here too. You’re not alone.
I feel compelled to notify the rest of this continent that we just went through some shit. Serious shit.
Weather wise as West Coast goes so goes the rest of yez.
Hell’s coming and it’s heading due East/ North East.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WccfbPQNMbg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq6jgy76Q3g
Maybe some day, you’ll grow up to be:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjY8HvpNu6o
Back when gears were gears:
This used to be a proper country.
Proper film.
DFO’s investor club pitch meetings are something else.
Hey Rikki, I don’t know the extent of your powers, but my wife and kid just started watching Emily In Paris and I am sorta frightened.
When you get older and have grandkids you can say the dirty parts out loud to intentionally embarrass your daughter and it’s fucking awesome when done properly.
Last funny;
Boss: the guys in IT have some questions for you
Me: ah yes you see I thought hentai was garfield’s last name
Oh what a special treat. Beth Mowins in Las Vegas calling a game.
Has she welcomed everyone to sunny Seattle just yet?
“It’s been a vestibule of a game so far!”
After a very detailed accounting of the Chippendale show.
Pitt fan crying like he bet his college tuition on this game…
All 50 bucks?
I like to imagine that Lily from AT&T gets to cast her own commercials and gives the roles to old friends from improv classes.
I just assumed that was the case. Isn’t she directing these new ones?
I believe you are correct.
I’ve started a sentence with “I like to imagine” that included “Lily from AT&T” and it went a very different direction from yours.
Been thinking more about that new Bond movie we watched last night. Why the fuck did they make so much of it tied to the previous one? Bond is self contained. If it isn’t, none of it makes sense.
Amen, brother!
I hadn’t seen the previous movie, and it didn’t affect my enjoyment of it in any way.
Get used to x Cinematic Universe now. MCU made a bajillion kajillion dollars, so all movies that can be tied together with sequels and prequels will be tied together with sequels and prequels now.
The Dr. Mrs. is watching some of her filthy, filthy smut again.
(Emily appears to be flirting with a French chef)
Does Emily swallow? The hot beef? Don’t tell me she spits.
Le bœuf chaude ?
📣
We buy our N95s from home Depot, moving beyond the hard respirator type ones was a big victory.
Things I’ve liked but couldn’t shake the obvious Simpsons source material. What jumps to mind:
-Don’t Look Up, mashup of the meteor episode and “Network”
-Ted Lasso, unapologetic Ned Flanders clone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SlKao_Pox5A
To balls’s question below, 2 away shits yesterday and today before all was returned to normal
Admit it, pooping in LA is just better.
Only a nobody would poop anywhere but LA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_9sS4p96io
THIS!
Watching the replay from the end of the Purdue game and it looks like the ref was right to blow it dead, simply based on the fact that the guy’s teammate was dragging him into the end zone.
Hey, I found out what bk109’s been up to!
https://news.sky.com/video/finland-man-blows-up-tesla-with-30kg-of-dynamite-after-getting-16-000-repair-bill-12503301
Hey, the Hydraulic Press people were in on it, of course.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG9Izqp6WWU
Warriors Nuggets game was postponed
cause Denver couldn’t get 8 players for the game
so some skateboard Rocking instead
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDjq8i9zQjE
They could have asked me; I’d have shown up for a one-game NBA paycheck.
And we could have gone to Weldwerks after the game.
“Get drenched in garbage juice, you fucken bastards.” POETRY!!!
As someone who is playing for a championship in a league Don was in, he is not my favorite person and you can tell the others.
Just kidding, I could never stay mad at that suave bastard.
Y’all, my male menopause hot flashes is even worse this week. The steroid regimen (for that cat rub-induced, annual skin rash) ain’t helping matters none.
Yeah, I’ve got a rash from pussy rubbing, too, but my doctor prescribed antibiotics.
Cats love nothing more than laying around all day in a patch of poison ivy and then coming up and cuddling as close to you as possible.
Because they are evil incarnate, you see.
Like all cute things/ppl!
/talking to my support group*
Me: “I’m Scotchy and I have problem.”
Crowd: “Hi Scotchy!”
Me: “Thanks so much! SHE DID IT AGAIN YESTERDAY!”
Crowd: [looks at one another, whispers]
Me: “I’ve told her so, so many times-don’t walk away from pasta if it’s on a rolling boil. DON’T EVEN SUBJECT IT TO A ROLLING BOIL!.”
Crowd: [gasps]
Me: “It was pappardelle this time! She was sitting on the couch scrolling through her phone the entire time!”
Crowd Member: “Son of a Bitch!”
Me: “I know, I know-light simmering is the way to go as always-you’ll never over-cook it! I MARRIED AN ANIMAL!
*this may not have happened
I expected that the problem is transport. It take very, very long, because Canada is big.
/Reads post
//nervously writes “disinvite Don from GSR league” in legal pad
///hands to right wing devil
Now git!
Found a funny:
so in 1988 my mom and her sisters made a beefcake calendar called Every Woman’s Fantasy and do you want to see pictures
https://twitter.com/fabiansociety/status/1475723154689454080
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FHrROAKVUAAnYel
This is awesome!
He fits it into his tightend, quite a comment for the transperfect bowl.
Back from Hilton Head, this Tranzperfect Bowl is so nuts my wife is even watching it.
Well, you’d expect a lot of nuts in the Trans Bowl now wouldn…(hold hands to earpiece)…Wuzzat? Translation service? Really? They make enough to sponsor a bo…Yeah, I know it’s the Music City Bowl, but still…Yeah, yeah, I get it. Will do.
-Ahem-
The management wishes to retract the previous joke, which was in poor taste, (looks offstage) (sotto voice) “Since when has that bothered us? No, your mother!” (redirects to camera), and also based on a misunderstanding of what Transperfect actually does. They just provide translation services, and are not, so far, involved in gender reassignment surgery. We regret the error.
I am REALLY curious what Ángel has been up to…
Since we are talking about Transperfect – is it technically easier to construct a faux vajayjay, or a faux wee-wee?
I would think faux vajayjay as you have to spend less on raw materials.
That makes sense to me.
Looks like we don’t need to evacuate tonight, so just made myself a Manhattan and am going to knock out a little work until movie night with lady BFC.
Pardon me if I’m scarce.
Hey, as long as you can take a shit in peace, life is good.
This here Transperfect is quite the woke title for a game in nawt progressive Tennessee.
It’s weird, Tennessee went GOP well before the rest of the South…but for 20 or so years, their Republicans were mostly reasonable. And then came Marsha Blackburn.
She a Lady Vols PG?
Makes you really miss actor/senator Fred Thompson
Next time you’re here, we’ll get some pizza, either Pizza Suprema by Penn or Juliana’s in DUMBO (don’t go to Grimaldi’s, it’s a tourist trap; Juliana’s is owned by the family and you can actually get a pie within 30 minutes).
(Yes, there are other places… Senorita Weaselo and I actually have a list of places we still have to go, including Spumoni Gardens, Joe’s in the Village, Lombardi’s…)
Holy Crap! You just had me recall Spumoni ice cream! I’ve no idea why a northern Ontario-based creamery would make it, but they did. Gawd, it was so awful…
Speaking of insanity, found this flow chart on Bears Twitter debating who will replace Nagy:
I know that there is a high degree of crossover – but Cubs’ fans and Bearistocrats! fanbase are just so disparate in their…manic intensity. Mad respek, yo.
Bears fans are insane? Got it.
Hey, now. I have also seen Big Fan.
That was fiction!
I dunno, Patton Oswalt sold it pretty durned good.
He sold this pretty good. There are no sci-fi nerds that love football!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BBhNkywMJY&ab_channel=ParksandRecreation
Patton REALLY should be in our Clubhouse.
50-50 he’s Otto.
Such. Good. Voices. In. Head. Content.