Sorry I apologize for depriving you of my authorial brilliance last week. We were busy having a baby.
Sister Squishface Mayhem was born last Tuesday. She cannot change shape or dance the meringue,
but her gas may kill us all, so that’s a parallel.
UPDATE: I am informed that is the “merengue”. This is the “meringue”
Either way. HAIL SQUISHFACE!
NFL NEWS: Nothing happy.
* After threatening a holdout, wideout Terry McLaurin has allegedly tied his near future to the brick that is the Washington Clit Commanders. It’s supposedly a 3 year extension onto the end of his expiring rookie deal, meaning that he is stuck until 2026. On the upside, he sold his soul and sanity pretty dearly, with a mostly-guaranteed $70+ million payday, $28 million of which is a signing bonus. Given the likelihood that Washington would franchise tag him next year, it was probably good to get the money now. Now we just wait for Snyder to start smearing him in the local newspapers.
*Out of work running backs Adrian Peterson and Le’Veon Bell have agreed to box each other at an exhibition match in July. Peterson has already guaranteed victory, stating that he will “whip that guy like he was my son’s scrotum”.
NOT NFL:
Baseball. Baseball as far as the eye can see. No more basketball. No more hockey. No Corrupt World Cup until fucking November.
I suggest sleeping until at least mid-August
WHAT MOVIE TO WATCH:
Like I can stay awake long enough for a movie.
I suggest the aforementioned SeaLab 2021. Even though it now qualifies as alternate history.
EDIT: I am a fucking idiot. It’s Mel Brooks’ 98th birthday, so you should watch one of his many masterpieces. So in the interests of creating artificial conflict, here is my Ranked List of Mel Brooks Brilliance:
1. Young Frankenstein
2. Blazing Saddles
3. Spaceballs
3a Get Smart
3b Robin Hood
4. History of the World
5. Dracula: Dead and Loving It (don’t @ me, it’s a classic)
6. The Producers
7. High Anxiety
8. Silent Movie
9. 12 Chairs
10. Life Stinks
I will be taking no questions.
While we’re on the topic of Mel Brooks films, which should I show Senorita Weaselo first? I’m leaning Blazing Saddles on account of it’s my favorite, and I feel like as she didn’t watch Star Wars she might not get the parody of Spaceballs.
I’d possibly say Young Frankenstein, but *prepares to duck* I haven’t actually had the chance to see it.
Young Frankenstein and The Producers
The Mostel/Wilder version, I presume? Her first dealing with musicals was Legally Blonde.
Coincidentally she hates musicals.
Congratulations on the new bundle of joy!
And congratulations to me for finally getting that password reset email so I can finally log in and post
new post who dis
*quickly embezzles Wakezilla memorial funds*
Welcome back!
what’re you gonna do with the five-and-change?
Last funny;
trump freaking out and grabbing the wheel when he realizes the secret service is taking him to the vet instead of the dog park
I don’t feel like going past a top few. Mainly because I am lazy.
1. History of The World Part 1
2. To Be Or Not To Be
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Spaceballs
5. Robin Hood: Men in Tights
I like the rest, but these ones are the ones I have seen many times over because I love them.
YES! To Be Or Not To Be is highly underrated!
Good call, I forgot about it.
https://youtu.be/W647gDp-u-s
I had it on laserdisc. Truly old am I.
I saw it in the movie theater. That’s how old I am.
It is the one I have never seen
Fine I’ll do my list
1. Blazing Saddles
2. History of the World Part I
3. Spaceballs
4. Young Frankenstein
5. Get Smart
6. 2000 Year Old Man (if Get Smart is on this list, so is this)
7. Robin Hood: Men in Tights
8. Dracula: Dead and Loving It
9. High Anxiety
10. The Producers
11. Silent Movie
12. 12 Chairs
I guess I need to finally watch Life Stinks to have a complete list…
https://twitter.com/bornmiserable/status/1541655405960450048?t=R7wIF2KavzjF1nPkFwMEDg&s=19
The server should have only shown 3/5 of the digits in the card.
Dammit, that’s great.
Maybe they should just use 3/5 of his credit limit with the full cc number
Like Steve Martin in “LA Story”
“Fine…you can have the chicken.”
Congratulations on the new addition or perhaps edition? Space Balls is my favorite, with my tendency to live life at ludicrous speed and all…
1 (Tie) – Blazing Saddles/Young Frankenstein
3 – History of the World
4 – High Anxiety
5 – Spaceballs
6 – The Producers
7 – Robin Hood
8 – Life Stinks
9 – Dracula
Have not seen Silent Movie or 12 Chairs
First place is so tough, because Blazing Saddles has more/better jokes, but Young Frankenstein is the better movie.
And the little one is adorable. (your kid, not your penis, although send me pics and I’ll let you know)
On reddit I just learned about “jump humping” at BYU. So ya there soaking…. and your mate jumps on the bed so they are the ones making the friction happen between you and your pious partner. Interesting stuff indeed. Not sure if ole Joseph Smith ever thought about that!
Hmm, I thought one was normally more covert if they had a voyeurism fetish.
God I fucking loved Get Smart reruns as a kid. We didn’t have cable so I could only watch when I visited my grandma. That and Car 54 Where Are You were the best.
I watched as many Get Smart reruns as I did Twilight Zone reruns. It was and still is at the point where I could name that episode in the first 30 seconds.
Don’t forget; Buck Henry cowrote!
That’s destined for comedy greatness.
I respect your courage showing Dracula: Dead and Loving It some love. It’s not as great as his classics but compared to the parody movies in the 21st Century, it’s a masterpiece.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pHSPZ-x6xh4
Speaking of babies, here’s a trip through some tunnels, which are like birth canals. I don’t know why women complain so much about giving birth; it seems pretty easy to me. I mean, the kid does all the work. Observe:
https://vimeo.com/725076200
Did you throw a hotdog through there?
Ah, this is the life. Watching a game during my break. And by that I mean my gig is on the other side of Flushing Meadows and I can see the top of the Citi Field video board.
[hails Squishface]
yeah, Rev, when are y’all gonna let your drunk and imaginary pals babysit??
HI NEW BABY!! Welcome aboard, kiddo! We’re you’re weirdo uncles and aunts. You’ll be getting your first cigarettes and beers slipped Uber your tent flaps in *HARUMPH* years from us! Three things you need to know: 1) Yer dad is an hilarious writer. 2) Donald Trump put his hands on the throat of his own security detail. 3) 100 Flowers is the most underrated record since clocks. https://youtu.be/CadC2ApferU
What’s far more important than the “Orange Julius Take the Wheel” story is that he KNEW the crowd was carrying weapons and encouraged the crowd to march on the Capitol ANYWAY – and told them he’d be going with them. Also the witness tampering, and the part about regularly throwing his plates at the wall.
Squishface is adorable!
History of the World Part 1 is my #1 with Spaceballs a close 2nd with Blazing Saddles right in there. Honestly, I could go three-way tie for 1st, but that would be a copout.
I shit you not, Mrs. Cola looked at the pic off the wee’un and said “Oh look at that squishy face.”
Congrats on her upcoming pregnancy
If she is then there are questions as I have been lasered. The “ball nurse” seems like quite the job if you are in to nutsacks.
Depending on medical science, huh?
PROGRAMMING NOTE: The post has been edited to honor Mel Brooks and incite violence over an arbitrary ranking
I’d switch Blazing Saddles with Young Frankenstein, otherwise I have no issues with said list.
Shit. I went to give this article five stars and fat fingered it. Rest assured, it’s five stars in my heart.
I don’t do it for the ratings.
Who am I kidding, I am a whore for the Likes.
I’ll like yours if you like mine
Look, technically she can’t dance the merengue or the meringue, so you weren’t wrong.
Boy I remember when my wife went into labor that first time. I was shooting pool down at the bar when they handed me the phone. “It’s time, honey, come quick! I’m at the hospital! Mother drove me!” she said. “I’ll be right there, sweetheart!” I said, and I got in my car and got the hell out of that town. After two years of marriage it’s a good thing I never told her my real name.
Found a funny;
the founding fathers would be like what do you mean there are catholics on the supreme court
Clarence Thomas would explode their heads.
Hail Squishface! Well done, Rev. And, I presume, Mrs. Rev.
Where Were You When Wifey Went Into Labor With Your First-Born?-
I was assembling orders in the warehouse when I got the news-aside from the Giants defeating the unbeaten Pats in 2007, this is my happiest memory.*
/I’m kidding, of course*
The hospital (laboUr was induced)
I had just fallen asleep and had a big presentation at a job faire at my old alma mater on the benefits of working for my new company. The presentation was for 11:00 in the morning and it was around 3 when I woke up.
It was all chaotic after that.
Sleepin beside her when the water broke at 3 am. She was in laboUr for 43 hours. What a trooper.
We were both asleep in bed. It was into the early AM hours when she woke me.
Good Christ, I would happily sell my soul for, like, 10% of that-now-undraftable-in-fantasy WR’s haul.
HAIL SQUISHFACE
That’s absolutely fantastic! Congrats to the entire expanding Mayhem Clan.
Thank you for this- reminded me to include the Mel Brooks section
Did you know there is a channel called Dateline 24/7?
It would be funny if it went off the air from, say, midnight-7a. LIKE TEEVEE DONE USED TO