Saturday De-Motivational and Lesser Roll Call

The best you can hope for is to die in your sleep. – Kenny Rogers, 20th century American poet

I thought.  I would.  Be mooooorrrre than this.. – Cloud Nothings, 21st century American poets

Life is a wet bag of shit.  Just a matter of when it breaks, not if.  And how much gets on your favoUrite shoes. – King Hippo, imaginary American pill-head

Aren’t y’all ready to face the long weekend now?  Wheeeeeeee!!

But all is not lost (yet).  Our beloved Premiership kicks off Friday, 4 August, with Palace hosting the King’s Afrikan Water Pistols (3p, USA).  A full weekend slate follows, meaning we are basically 5 weeks away from life re-gaining a bit of meaning.  HANG THE FUCK ON.

As y’all have heard, Everton shithouse talisman Richarlison (iconic image above, per The Guardian) is off to Spurs.  I can live with that, and it doesn’t much matter to me if he plies his trade on the Prem (so long as it’s not the cunts across Stanley Park).  The fee is reportedly 60m Brexit Bucks, at least with (supposedly easily achievable) add-ons.  Not a great fee, but dealing with Daniel Levy (and no other serious bidders) it could have been far worse.

What I most certainly AM bothered about?  Links with old, not-arsed attitude-having Men Untied flop Jesse Lingard being linked at 150k/wk.  Because hurr durr, no transfer fee.  But free is never free, and you pay for it, in terms of salary and sign-on fees.  Just dreadful business, with no ceiling and no re-sale value.  We haven’t learned fuck shit.

2022-23’s first Spotlight Dance will feature Tuchel’s Chelski machine tearing apart Ruggedly Handsome (but doomed) Frank Lampard at Goodison (12:30, 5 August, NBC).  That’s just fucking mean.

Oh yeah, I mentioned roll call – because Hippo would like to start a series of conversations for the next several Saturdays – Tell Hippo About Your Side.  That means mega-supporters like Horatio and Colonial Governor Cecil Rhodes would talk Arsenal.  Why you support them, how you feel about next season/long-term trajectory, etc. So I know who to bother via e-mail/Slack (and because my memory is fucked beyond all fuckitude), please use the comments to remind the Clubhouse who you support.  Can be leagues other/lesser than the Prem (side-eyes Balls-y), we are an open and welcoming bunch of assholes.

Perhaps Hippo will think up a separate night thread, perhaps not.  If the latter, please keep hunting and pecking here.  PHRASING.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Horatio Cornblower

Me: Who taught that guy to sweep?

Daughter: No one. He’s a white man.

Me: Ouch

scotchnaut

Maybe she should just put down the ice cream. She’s obviously had too much.

Horatio Cornblower

I usually just threaten her student loans

ballsofsteelandfury

She’s not wrong

Horatio Cornblower

That’s why it hurts.

Horatio Cornblower

To be clear, I do not know how Stranger Things ends. We’re still watching it, and I don’t really watch the show.

My daughter will be explaining: “So that’s Steve”

Me: “Who’s Steve?”

Daughter: “The one with the good hair”

Me: “Really not helping”

Daughter: “The one in the middle”

Me: “Got it”

Also I am getting nostalgic for the red-white-and-blue Starter jackets.

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t want to ruin the ending of Stranger Things or anything, but you are going to hear ‘Running Up That Hill’

WCS

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scotchnaut

[flinches]

-BFC

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m going to tread lightly wherever Horatio comments tonight

Horatio Cornblower

/traps BFC under box that had King Julius under it

OK, so , in the season finale…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Twitter keeps promoting this account in my feed, can’t say I mind it

https://twitter.com/shirtsthtgohard/status/1543269658953797632?t=QED5BTjGKAwixnuA90ID2w&s=19

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

IS THAT AN IGUANA MART TAG?

Horatio Cornblower

THE STREAMS HAVE CROSSED!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Who wants to know how Stranger Things ends?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Not me, we’re still two episodes behind the finale

Horatio Cornblower

Finale is 2.5 hours long.

Good god.

WCS

He fixes the cable?

Horatio Cornblower

It turns out all the monster wanted was to have Cinemax unscrambled on his 80’s cable box.

heh. Box. heh heh.

Brocky

And your 2022 miss money in the bank…..

Liv morgan!

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Brocky

Here you go, I’m sure you needed it

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Who’s her archnemesis, lubridermman?

Brocky

I’m pretty sure balls would be somewhere in her rogues gallery

Brocky

And to be clear, I do mean our resident dfoer

Horatio Cornblower

And by “rogues gallery” I mean anus.

Horatio Cornblower

For some reason Alexa Bliss is trending on Twitter.

https://twitter.com/The_Blue_Brand/status/1543346306717974529/photo/1

RIP, Seamus

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Detroit style pizza ain’t bad. Not the best but it’ll do.

yeah right

I’m absolutely intrigued by it. Not sure I can find one locally so I may have to make one my damn self. The only thing is they look like they’re really dependent on the seasoned pan.

/ processing

BrettFavresColonoscopy

There are a shockingly high number of Detroit style pizza places in DC. Closest thing I had in LA might be Roman style pizza, which is also very good.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We bought the one from Costco and it was delicious.

Brick Meathook

Here’s a battery block charging my iPhone because my all-electric Tesla Sexmobile rental car doesn’t have a single USB charging port. I had to import electricity into an electric car.

(To celebrate Pride Month I’m using an incredibly gay charging cable)

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Gumbygirl

I have to go to the store, woe is me. I might wait until we get back from the pool at 6 or 6:30.

Doktor Zymm

Huh, so this brown and tan box from La Maison Du Chocolat contains fruit jellies. I actually prefer these to chocolate, but not what I was expecting!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s a trap! They’re trying to groom you for Big Turk consumption!

litre_cola

RTD you are next after BFC….

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What would happen if I ever received a Big Turk in the mail (artist’s conception):

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yeah right

As the resident food guy I feel compelled to give a full culinary break down.

Dear God what am I getting myself into?

Horatio Cornblower

Get an old tire, cover it in chocolate and jelly, take a big bite.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I am absolutely going to live blog it.

litre_cola

Just found out the Nations League female volleyball is here in town and the last day is tomorrow. It is only 15 mins away!!!

Will I bring Deci so I can ogle tall athletic women? Yes, yes I will.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

*so Deci can ogle tall athletic women, you mean.

2Pack

The town folk don’t be bullshittin round

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Horatio Cornblower

If there’s one thing that I learned from Anthony Bourdain it was that Italians love their street festivals.

Well, that and not to do heroin.

2Pack

They certainly do. They will be getting after it here till around 1AM.

2Pack

Those mountains in the background are the foothills of the Alps

BrettFavresColonoscopy

See, Horatio, I don’t want these type of chairs either

2Pack

You can steal a stack of 10 and still run a sub 6 minute mile.

blaxabbath

I wonder if I could even threaten 6 minutes now. Young 4:24 (I wasnt a mile stud) may be shaking his head but he’s broke and don’t appreciate good booze and weed so f him/me.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[stands on his lawn and shakes a rake at a 6] – Tom Coughlin

Gumbygirl

My parents had one of those metal glider couch things. Weighed a bajillion pounds, but was surprisingly comfortable to sit on. It was on a covered porch though, would have caused severe thermal damage in the hot sun.

Brick Meathook

I went to the Masonic Temple today. Those idiots on January 6th attacked the wrong place. The President of the United States is certified here, in closed-door session, before the election.

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Last edited 2 years ago by Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I’m a 34°

scotchnaut

“Pathetic! I’m a 165 degree!”

-D. Trump, looking down at his steak

Horatio Cornblower

I’m generally not a fan of the City Connect jerseys MLB is doing, but the Padres is a good one.

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Way to go, Whale’s Vagina!

ballsofsteelandfury

Their theme is Taco Bell?

2Pack

Or Miami Vice

litre_cola

Was going to say that they look a lot like Miami Heat unis.

Redshirt

My guess on the theme was “1990s”.

Dunstan

Just got a double yolk egg. That’s bonus fat!

Horatio Cornblower

Might I suggest a rasher of bacon to seal the deal?

And by “deal” I mean “arteries.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A rasher of bacon? No deal.” – Coach Reid

scotchnaut

Bonus Fat was my favourite under-rated Bond movie henchman. The way he smothered guys with his prodigious belly? So cool.

scotchnaut

Cheering against the dude with the sleeve tattoo because I want some skin in this game.

scotchnaut

Upon Further Review: this comment might come across as racist. I just despise that sort of tattoo.

ballsofsteelandfury

Why would that possibly be racist?

scotchnaut

Sometimes a guy makes a ‘skin’ reference and second-guesses his joke. It happens. (to me)

Brick Meathook

you racist

scotchnaut

“Say you racist, say me racist-say it together, naturally…”

-Lionel Ritchie

scotchnaut

I’ve a notion that in the US, The Breeder’s Cup is going to be an entirely different competition once the Supreme Court has stripped away a few more women’s rights.

Dunstan

“Yes, but think of what it’s done for the rights of men to make 10-year-olds bear their children!”

scotchnaut

It’s about time white guys caught a break and a small child!

Horatio Cornblower

Oh, we won’t be supporting those children, just forcing women to carry them to term and then checking out of both of their lives entirely.

Dunstan

Yeah, but one day half of them will be disaffected 20-year-old white men ready to join the Proud Boys because they blame everyone else for how their lives turned out. So it’s win-win!

Horatio Cornblower

Gotta keep the pipeline moving somehow.

scotchnaut

Aw crap. The joke played on (/s) white guys finally catching a break and those same white guys being able to catch a child as it was running away.

/subscribe to my blog for more dark jokes!

Mr. Ayo

#NawtOurQB

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Mr. Ayo
Dunstan

Tsitsipas-Kyrgios having the rare “cheer for the meteor” tennis match.

Tsitsipas is notorious for his gamesmanship, and nearly hit a spectator with a ball (thus narrowly avoiding a Djokovic-style default).

Kyrgios is maintaining a constant monologue with the umpire including when Tsitsipas is about to serve.

Dunstan

And now I regret saying that, because the McEnroe brothers are getting sanctimonious about how Tsitsipas should give Kyrgios a talking-to about disrespecting the game.

Yeah, that always worked well when players tried saying that to John.

I like Johnny Mac, but he’s being a massive hypocrite here. Patrick is just always a sanctimonious ass.

Mr. Ayo

He cannot possibly be serious with that “This is Wimbledon” line.

Dunstan

Yeah, I think Tsitsipas is entitled to complain to Kyrgios and/or the umpire about the talking between serves, but it’s simply a matter of not disrupting your opponent, not this high-minded nonsense about disrespecting the game.

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t watch much tennis, but I did stumble on this match long enough to see Kyrgios underhand serve for game, then spent the rest of the set watching Tsitsipas try to hit returns off Kyrgios’s face.

I was, in fact, entertained.

2Pack

Our town is having the annual Sagra (festival) this weekend for the first time in 3 years due to Covid. Rides and arcade games for the kids, street food, and dancing under the stars to live (local) bands. I’m gonna slide on over there tonight (in an hour) and see if any of the ladies wanna give these two left feet a try.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Good luck finding a nice lass with a foot fetish!

2Pack

They all know the ole saying… once you go derp… you never go back.

Game Time Decision

-Ricky Ray

yeah right

Fucking hell the walk was gorgeous today. I got past 4 miles and was pushing for 5 but the damn sunscreen got in my eyes.

That shit burns when you haven’t worn it in awhile.

Plan on doing more of the same tomorrow and Monday.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Anyone have recommendations for outdoor chairs for a front porch, comfy enough to sit in, heavy enough to be a theft deterrent?

Horatio Cornblower

Adirondacks.

No one in their right minds would steal those.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ugh, you and the lady BFC are on the same page.

Horatio Cornblower

You want decent chairs, or you want theft-proof chairs? Because you can’t have both.

scotchnaut

They look fantastic but they are hell to sit in. Wife and I bought some custom-made* way back when and gave them away the next summer.

*it was a guy that worked out of his house and it was called something like “King’s Furniture”. When he opened the door I said, ‘you must be Mr. King’. His reply was, ‘oh no, the king refers to our God, who is in all things’. Jesus Christ…

Horatio Cornblower

Hard same. I always think about buying a couple for the front yard, right up until I sit in one and then struggle like Stephen Hawking in a sack race trying to get out of it.

scotchnaut

Exactly. Wifey brought up the notion of buying two chairs again and I said, ‘who the hell is going to sit in them?’ The idea was that they would be on the far end of the deck and would ‘look cool’ to all the boaters that drive by and happen to take pics of our house. What? What? I crushed on that argument.

2Pack

Teak Titanic (no shit, that’s what they call them) lounge chairs. Got a couple a few years ago and plan to grow very old avoiding work in them. They are heavy so only the fittest criminals will even be able to fold them up for theft.

Doktor Zymm

Can’t you just get normal chairs and chain them down or glue them to the porch so the thieves feel like idiots when they try to pick them up?

Don T

Go to Marshalls, identify a defect, demand a discount.
‘Twas the story of my 3-piece balcony set, which also has served ably as office furniture.

Mr. Ayo

Kyrgios is at least always entertaining.

Mr. Ayo

Ha! He just called a linesman a snitch.

Mr. Ayo

And now Sissypus is melting down. This is great theater!

Mr. Ayo

Sissypus just launching murder balls all over the place now.

litre_cola

Best showman in the game.

Fronkenshteen

Current timeline so depressing Joy Division is sounding as bouncy and optimistic as Herman’s Hermits.
And Jesse Lingard can get buttfucked sideways with an unripe pineapple. I hope the Hammers shred his fucking Achilles this season. “Now youse CAN’T play”.

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Wakezilla

Ronaldo wants to leave United because he’s worried about his legacy. What a bitch move. I hope United let him leave and then they sign Canada’s Johnathan David, or they go after Scamacca or Joao Felix

Last edited 2 years ago by Wakezilla
Wakezilla

I just read on The Twitter about Jack Sock. The incredible thing about this is that I read it from– and I shit you not– Sports Anchor, Harold (Harry) Kuntz.

https://mobile.twitter.com/HaroldRKuntz3

Last edited 2 years ago by Wakezilla
Horatio Cornblower

This is the kind of thing that makes me believe in the Illuminati.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is that one of the guys who was in Ted Lasso?

blaxabbath

In light of the recent Pac-12 news, is like to introduce Ch 6 – Never Settle.

https://doorfliesopen.com/2020/04/08/tucson-ch-6-never-settle/

BTW, yesterday marks the 10-year anniversary of ABOR hiring Ann Weaver Hart. In case you’re wondering why corruption and self-dealing cannot be tolerated.

ballsofsteelandfury

Just re-read it. You’re a fucking good writer. I wish you had time to write more.

Doktor Zymm

Despite knowing nothing about them, I am sort of a Brentford fan. Mostly because of all the Robert Rankin books set there, but also a bit because bees are neat and pollinate stuff.

yeah right

I have book 2 of the trilogy being delivered soon. This is after I finished book 7 then 1 of the trilogy in that order.

If I hadn’t already chosen Bournemouth I would be a Brentford supporter for sure.

Now I want a pint of Large.

Last edited 2 years ago by yeah right
Doktor Zymm

Yes! It sounds like the most delightful of beers. It has been far too long since I sat around drinking Real Ale in a pub

yeah right

An “Alehouse” sounds wonderful.

Doktor Zymm

I need to learn French by February. Seems like it’ll come in useful though, I’m starting to think that France is basically a version of the US with more time off and better cheese/booze.

litre_cola

Well bonjour. If you need assistance let me know.

Mrs. Cola knows I would move to France in a second if her job transferred

Dunstan

I know what I need to know. “Chatuaeneuf-du-Pape, s’il vous plait”

litre_cola

Ça c’est parfait, où Côtes du Rhone si tu n’as pas de Chateauneuf.

Dunstan

Bien sur!

Don T

Good luck with the subjonctif. We have it in español, and it still was a beatch to learn

litre_cola

Even if you know in one, you don’t in the other!!!!

Doktor Zymm

I learned it in Latin way back in high school, but I doubt it will help. I’m gonna go Rosetta Stone and learn to speak like a native, ie ungrammatically

Gumbygirl

Wave your arms around, yell a lot, and end your English words with “o”. It’s the American way!

Doktor Zymm

I think that only works for Italian and Spanish. French you put ‘le’ in front of everything and pretend you have a stuffy nose while hitting people with a baguette

Gumbygirl

Ha, like most Americans realize there is a difference between any other language!

Game Time Decision

I’ll go with Sunderland for the lovely lunch lady

yeah right

You’ve got some climbing to do yet.

Good luck. At least they moved up to champions league.

WCS

B1G, when WVU calls:

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WVU:
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WCS:
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Last edited 2 years ago by WCS
Horatio Cornblower

Arsenal just tearing it up in the preseason.

https://twitter.com/Arsenal/status/1543248766140030978

Don T

Closed door friendly > Public bathroom handy

litre_cola

So, Mighty Whitey has yet to sign anyone. Why do I feel like the yo yo will continue.

Wakezilla

They’re going after Eric Baily when they should be trying to nab Sir Phil Jones.

litre_cola

Fireworks at midnight are not Decilitre or Litrepugs friends.

Horatio Cornblower

My dog was not happy earlier this morning

Horatio Cornblower

Got up around 11 this morning. Got blasted out of bed at 3 but a great thunderstorm. Lots of cool lightning and 1/2″+ of rain in about 20 minutes. Fell back to sleep around 4.

at 4:40 our asshole cat woke me up to be let out.

Gumbygirl

That’s what I miss about the East coast. Thunderstorms!

Horatio Cornblower

We may be getting severe ones this afternoon.

I cleaned up the yard moved the cars away from the trees, and have the storm windows dow, so they’ll probably miss us.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll defer to Cecil on Arsenal. I root for Arsenal because Hippo made me pick a team, and at the time they were a good fit. But I don’t pay enough attention to them to do a decent job. I know that Xhaka has rocks for brains, that our manager is very handsome, and…well, that’s about it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I manage Arsenal? This is news to me. No wonder we’re no longer a powerhouse.

Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Horatio Cornblower

RTD, pictured:

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Gumbygirl

Meh,I’ve seen him looking handsomer. Do better, fake Rikki!

Dunstan

In Wimbledon news today, Jack Sock lost in a five-setter. Which makes sense, a Jack Sock is usually pretty awful after a long session.

Gumbygirl

Banner!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah let’s get that up there and in contention for the tourney

Horatio Cornblower

The Big East, when Syracuse, Pitt, and BC come calling:

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scotchnaut

I can’t imagine any conference that would think that Syracuse football would be ‘a good fit’.

Mr. Ayo

Everyone loves a cupcake.

Horatio Cornblower

Buddy, have you seen UConn “play” “football”?

TheRevanchist

About to take my daughter to Barnes & Noble and then Ulta. Think we will find a farmers market and make a morning of it.

Gumbygirl

Solid parenting! Books first, then makeup!

Brick Meathook

In honor of BFC I’m “supercharging” a Tesla right now.

Here’s a picture:

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TheRevanchist

You are adding a 9 volt battery?

Brick Meathook

Hertz fucked up my rental last night and at the last second said “Do you want a Tesla?” I’ve been trying to figure out how to drive it since then. LESSON LEARNED: The last 5% of a charge takes longer than the other 95%

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Don’t bother charging past 85 or 90 percent unless you really need it. All the cars have “charging curves” that taper.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It’s also allegedly going to thunderstorm today so I’m super bummed the GWS game isn’t until the wee hours and I’m still not drinking.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

No DT yet, so I can safely resume drinking by DFOcon east. But this stupid calf is impeding enjoying most non-awake lounging

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Aleve. And imma rub some tussin on it.

yeah right

Bournemouth! Provided health doesn’t intervene should be top 12.

I foresee a lot of goddamn draws.

2Pack

On an unrelated but interesting note, it’s a shame Paraguay didn’t make it to the World Cup this time.

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Gumbygirl

That is quite the pair a guays she’s sporting!

ballsofsteelandfury

Nice!

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m hearing Oregon goes Big 10 with Notre Dame

2Pack

Looks like we will stay in Series B after all. Apparently one of the Series C clubs eligible to move up cannot afford it. So we will play Cosenza here this season. I am about a hundred pages into Ultras where they mentioned a Vicenza – Cosenza game that involved some dismounted knuckle drill afterwards. If I am in town for it this year… I will report.

ballsofsteelandfury

Very cool!

litre_cola

Fulham will stay up.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m expecting to become a very disappointed Nottingham Forest fan this season.

I might actually switch allegiance to them, (glares in Kroenke), but they wear red and not green, and I simply cannot overlook that.

ballsofsteelandfury

1- That is pretty good. I think you gave the Pac 12 too much credit for being smart but it essentially played out the same except it was the Big 10.

2- Which commenter was TWBS? I’m betting it was Wulfpacker.