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Your “Happy Bastille Day Eve!” Wednesday Night Open Thread

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Photo Credit: I took a GIS result and added the word almost to it myself in paint

Alright, almost halfway through July. We’re all counting down the days to the end of the world, right?

For those of you that don’t know, Bastille Day is a French Holiday commemorating the storming of the Bastille, which essentially kicked off the French Revolution. Given that it actually involved explosions, their use of fireworks in July makes more sense than ours. FUN FACT: Neither Jon Batiste nor Jean-Michel Basquiat were named for the Bastille, which makes sense since it was a medieval fortress turned into a state prison.

I guess there are a bunch of other things that happened on this day in history as well, from the dedication of the Hollywood land sign 99 years ago to Dave “Conception” [sic] being named MVP of the 1982 All Star Game.  Seriously, who the hell is in charge of this list: https://www.onthisday.com/events/july/13?

Other “notable” moments highlighted include but are not limited to:

  • Opening of the Ferry Building in SF in 1898
  • Record Heat of 114 degrees farenheit in the Wisconsin Dells in 1936 (I can think of worse/hotter things from that decade)
  • The 1949 excommunication of communist Catholics by Pope Pius XII (why isn’t “Communist Catholics” a band name?)
  • The start of construction of the Amsterdam metro in 1970
  • And perhaps the most exciting, “1984 Eddie Van Halen makes a guest appearance, performing “Beat It”, in a Jacksons concert, in Dallas, Texas”
Photo From This Flickr Page

I guess the lesson is, any day can be historic. Or celebrate the mundane alongside the divine?  Or bring back BrewDudeRon for some real goddamn history.

You want to see history in the making?  Get your ass out to Baltimore this weekend.  Festivities start when Horatio convinces his wife that a pilled out Hippo and a sober guy named ArmedandHammered are definitely not going to kidnap him at a bar in Charm City. Seriously, this is a thing that’s happening, and if you want to meet Horatio, Hippo, A&H, Sharkbait, and others (yes including me and a rumor is flying around that Buddy Cole might even make an appearance), drop us a line for details on where the shenanigans shall commence.

Baltimore–now with even less (fewer?) pants!

What’s on Tonight?

Béisbol

Pirates @ Marlins, allegedly underway
Reds @ Yankees, 6:05 PM DFO Time (so underway unless you read this in the first five minutes of being live, you overachiever you)
Phillies @ Blue Jays, ibid (ESPN says 6:07PM, which is obviously bullshit/the Canadian time exchange rate)
Red Stockings @ Rays, further rounding error off of above time
White Sox @ Guardians, samesies
Doyers @ WFIB, 6:45 PM DFO Time
Orioles @ Cubbies, 7:05PM DFO Time
A’s @ Rangers, 7:05PM DFO Time
Padres @ Rockies, 7:40PM DFO Time, ESPN+
Cheaters @ Angels, 8:38PM DFO Time

Fútbol

All the MLS games apparently on ESPN+ or ESPN Deportes, except LA v San Jose which apparently shan’t be televised

MLS

Atlanta v Salt Lake, 6:30PM DFO Time
Chicago v Toronto, 7PM DFO Time
DC v Columbus, 7PM DFO Time
Cincinnati v Vancouver, 7PM DFO Time
Miami v Philadelphia, 7PM DFO Time
Minnesota v Kansas City, 7PM DFO Time
Nashville v Seattle, 7:30PM DFO Time
Colorado vs Orlando, 8PM DFO Time
Dallas v NYC, 8PM DFO Time
LA v San Jose, 9PM DFO Time

Mexican Liga BBVA MX

América v Toluca, 9PM DFO Time

USL Championship

Miami v Charleston, 6PM DFO Time
Tulsa v New Mexico, 7:30PM DFO Time

USL League One

I can stop with this, right?  None of us are watching these leagues ESPN lists out but I’ve never heard of.

Aussie Footy

Nothing until the other side of Bastille Day. Shit.

Tour de France

AWWW YEAH, that’s some French shit.  Stage 11. No idea what is going on but it’s bicycles and French countryside.

That’s it.  Eat some escargots and have a french wine. Or don’t. You do you.

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TheRevanchist

Reminder, as I heard someone remind me of it. A-Rod was a better short stop than Jeter, but the Yankees were too concerned about his feelings to move him positions to make that team better.

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TheRevanchist

Fuck Jeter. Fuck the Yankees.

3
BC Dick

And yes, fornicate them with an iron rod but they still did the right thing. It’s too rare these days that a team shows loyalty to a player.

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Horatio Cornblower

Yes. Poor Jeter. He’ll just have to be satisfied with his millions of dollars, his 5 World Series rings, and being married to this woman.

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SonOfSpam

This is true, but at least Jeter gave gift baskets to one-night hookups, and also screamed YEAH JEETS as he climaxed, so it’s kind of a wash.

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TheRevanchist

Even now, when I’m watching a good pitching duel, I say YEAH JEETS after a strikeout. So I will give you that.

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Mr. Ayo

Counterpoint, they fucked ARod in the process.

But your point stands, that whole organization should be burnt to the ground.

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BC Dick

At that time maybe. But you don’t move a Jeter out of position for a dirty corn-chewing cheater. No matter his (ill-begotten) talent. That’s class right there.

Last edited 3 years ago by BC Dick
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Wakezilla

It’s funny because protecting Jeter’s feelings probably cost them a World Series or two. Just like bringing in Texiera to play first put the Yanks in that awkward spot of not knowing what to do with Jeter once it was obvious he was washed up

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SonOfSpam

Cheap date too.

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Mr. Ayo

If that happened when I was manning my local Mickey D’s I would have let her give it a go.

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TheRevanchist

Do it. I believe in you.

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Wakezilla

The world after watching the Uvalde shooting: Wow, that was awful and fuck that guy with the Punisher wallpaper on his phone, checking his text messages.

Various verified media members: You don’t understand, it was his wife texting him, saying she was dying and bleeding out.

That shooting and the police cowardice somehow just got worse. Fuck

4
BC Dick

Shame worse than death. How could they?

2
SonOfSpam

Ohtani just struck out Altuve (BOOOOOO CHEATER BOOOOOOO) on a 101 mph fastball; last half-inning he tripled in two runs.

Oh and Trout’s sitting out with back spasms.

Oh and the Angels are like 96 games under .500

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Senor Weaselo

Peace be with you… and fuck Altuve.

2
Wakezilla

It is absolutely ridiculous that the Angels have 2 of the best players over the last 15 years on their roster and I have a better shot at hooking up with Selena Gomez than they do at making the playoffs.

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SonOfSpam

To be fair, as a coke dealer, you have a nonzero shot of hooking up with many actresses.

Also, Ohtani finished his 6 innings on the mound with 12 strikeouts and a 3-1 lead.

LET’S WATCH AND SEE HOW THE ANGELS BLOW THIS ONE SHALL WE

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS GUY SONOFSPAM I CALL HIM THE GUY THAT INVENTED VICTORIA’S SECRET CAUSE HE’S JUST GONNA SIT BACK AND WATCH SOME ANGELS DO SOME BLOWING.

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rockingdog

Found a funny;

Me and the boys got kicked out of Applebee’s because we have the zoomies

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Gumbygirl

A funny for you!

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Don T

Cool AF
https://youtu.be/ccsUjRhpo_U

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2Pack

Yes it is

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My cat murdered a very large bird today – it was so big she couldn’t eat all of it – and then felt so empowered that she proceeded to go antagonize the neighbor’s cat.

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SonOfSpam

Yeah, that pic you posted on Twitter is amazing:

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rockingdog

Hahaha
That’s Rocking

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2Pack

What? No offer to help bury the body. Haarupfff… “Gentlemen” these days…

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Don T

Uf. If time was Earth, Dave Concepción homering off Eckersley back when he was a starter is like three tectonic plates of Old.

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Don T

Goddammit you guys. Can’t make it to Baltimore. Have loads of fun.

Testify on my looks, Cornblowers!

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

So… Baltimore

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Brick Meathook

Are you guys going around the Inner Harbor? If so, you should all go get your balls waxed together in Fells Point. It’s gentrified now but godammit it didn’t used to be. There seems to be quite a few fine wax establishments there. Everybody can have a separate room but they shouldn’t be sound-proof. I’ll show up for that.

2
ArmedandHammered

When did Kirk Cousins join the Panthers? I just saw they cut him and I had no idea he was even on the roster.

0
yeah right

Stop getting my hopes up!!!

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Redshirt

Bengals and Jessie Bates III aren’t expected to come to a deal. In other shocking news, the sky is blue, water is wet, and fire is hot.

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SonOfSpam
  • Opening of the Ferry Building in SF in 1898

C’mon man, that’s not the name.

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Redshirt

Just give up. LGBTIQ?????+*? won. Just admit it like I did and go through life quietly so you don’t get doxed and cancelled.

Note: I’m at work suffering from a migraine so my posts may be a bit too truthful and blunt.

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Brick Meathook

What the hell’s the difference between “gay” and “queer”? Doesn’t “homo” cover it all?

0
Don T

In the end, aren’t we all perverts at heart?

1
SonOfSpam

heh, in the end

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BC Dick

Gay means happy and queer means weird. Both will burn in Hell, though.

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Brick Meathook

Why are fags left out of the whole LGBT thing? And who decided that lesbians would be first? The lesbians? I’ll bet it wasn’t the gays who decided that. One thing they both agree on, though: the bis and trannies are going last.

1
BC Dick

Oh I bet that riles the gays up real good. They don’t get along with the sapphists. Then again, I doubt they’d want to go up against a Pamplona situation so they probably just laid there and took it, as usual.

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Redshirt

You’d think it would, but somehow it doesn’t. They spend countless years saying how we’re all humans and should be treated to the same, but they keep adding letters to show that we’re different.

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BC Dick

And excluding people from their inclusive parades. It’s not my fault the cows they use for leather loincloths aren’t wide enough to cover “all of that”. Prudes.

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Redshirt

.

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BC Dick

Oh man once you zoom in it’s obvious. Didn’t see it coming, though, did I?

1
Gumbygirl

.

Nelson_Ha-Ha.jpg
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Horatio Cornblower

You, sir, are seriously overestimating how much my wife gives a shit if I get kidnapped and/or disappear in Baltimore. Paying my life insurance premiums this past month may have been a huge mistake on my part.

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Redshirt

Not too late to change the beneficiary, if you think she’s behind your demise.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Attorney, reading my will: “Uh, what exactly it the ‘Door Flies Open Clubhouse Fund’?

Mrs. Cornblower: (through gritted teeth) “Damn their oily hides!”

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Dunstan

Oily? I’m just trying to stay moisturized!

3
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

My kids were sure that litre_cola was going to kill me the first time we met. My wife just thought it was weird.
So, either I wasn’t killed or the AI has fooled everyone for 3+ years. You pick

2
herodotus450

ppl forget that the “Hollywood” sign originally said “HollywoodLandOfTheFreeHomeOfTheBrave” but Francis Scott Key’s ancestors sent them a letter.

5
Senor Weaselo

You mean Bojack didn’t steal those letters too?

/I need to actually watch Bojack

2
Horatio Cornblower

I think it’s been said here before, but it bears repeating: Bojack is a great show and you should watch it, but for the love of all that is holy do not binge all six seasons at once. It gets fucking dark fucking frequently.

3
Senor Weaselo

Evening lizard people. I can actually hang for once!

Celebrating Bastille Day eve with leftover Szechuan 3 Pepper chicken. Or, as Senorita Weaselo put it, “So, Senor, I think you like Szechuan cooking.” To which I nodded while holding back peppery tears, the good kind.

7
Sharkbait

So you DIDN’T get maced. Good

2
Senor Weaselo

She’s about to mace a bitch though. Got groped last week by her house, and a guy came out of the car to continue catcalling her after she cursed him out in Sunset Park this afternoon.

She is thankfully unharmed, which is also thankful in that I don’t have to go commit any sort of felony tonight.

(But if I did, I was here the whole time.)

0
BC Dick

Makes the murder run red under your eyes, don’t it?
Probably different whereabouts you are but extendable batons and carbon fibre ‘brass’ knuckles don’t count as restricted weapons here. Those batons will break a man’s bones and shut his filthy mouth, too.

3
Don T

“I can attest the machete was not Señor’s”

Notarized for $250; $1 machete deposit

3
SonOfSpam

(Aaron Hernandez’s last words)

1
BC Dick

I took every Wednesday off in summer so I won’t have a full work week until mid-September. One of those Wednesdays I’ll be watching Golden Tate play in a summer wood bat league for college players. Why would a 33-year-old play in that league? Will he catch a football if thrown at him from the stands? Can I still throw a football?

2
Senor Weaselo

Can he hit a football?

5
BC Dick

Damn that’s the real question

1
Dunstan

How far can he punt a football?

1
Don T

Tate was deep in the Tits practice squad last year. Maybe it’s one of those “Best to be the head of a mouse than the tail of an elephant” deals.
At least in Spanish.

1
BC Dick

Good saying but they both end up covered in shit.

1
Don T

Ever the optimist😂🤣

1
Brick Meathook

12,000-foot-test-depth deep-submergence titanium pressure sphere (middle).

Navy Yard, Washington DC

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1
scotchnaut

Nice try, Commie-every right-thinking person in America knows that the Mariana Trench doesn’t exist!

3
ArmedandHammered

Now the marinara trench at Mozz and Breadstick world, that is real and amazing.

2
SonOfSpam

Can always count on Brick for pics of big balls and seamen!

7
Brick Meathook

I’ve been going to the museum at the Navy Yard my whole life. It used to be you just drove on in and went there. Now, you go to security building just inside the first gate, where you get issued a day pass after you provide two forms of picture I.D., confirm citizenship, provide SSN, and get photographed and fingerprinted. After waiting 15 minutes, if you pass the background check, you are issued a pass and proceed inside the second gate. All this just to go to the museum or to the credit union, like the guy next to me.

0
King Hippo

Baltimore–now with even less (fewer?) pants!

I sure is looking forward to a new front in the #GrammarWars!

2
BC Dick

Fewer pants, less total pant material. But does the fact pants come in pairs jam the whole thing up?

Last edited 3 years ago by BC Dick
1
Dunstan

The less/fewer thing has to be the dumbest piece of pedantry in a language filled with it.

Why should we use a different word for countable nouns than uncountable? Is it to signal to the recipient whether the noun in question is countable or not? What would be the point of that? The only people who care whether a noun is countable or not are pedants wanting to correct your usage of less/fewer.

There isn’t even a parallel construction in the other direction. The opposite of “less” is “more,” and the opposite of “fewer” is … “more”? How come we no longer care about the countable/uncountable thing?

In professional writing I will follow this dumb rule because otherwise people will smugly correct it, but in all other settings I bravely rebel!

3
Senor Weaselo

Because English, like music math, is stupid.

3
BC Dick

You mean English is music? And not bound by your logic, you science jerks!

0
Horatio Cornblower

Because then we wouldn’t;t have had this:

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2
Dunstan

And that’s why nobody wanted that dude to be king.

0
blaxabbath

Fewer / Greater

0
Gumbygirl

So then why is it Less than/Greater than in Mathmagic Land?

DonaldInMathmagic_0347a_5_980.jpg
1
BC Dick

Hmm. Because math is only black and white. Language makes technicolour. But usually by breaking some rules. Damnnit.

0
Don T

I want in this newslette subscription list RUSH.
/submits “Where’s the ‘r’ in ‘colonel’” screed

0
BC Dick

And what happened to the ‘p’ in corps? Bet that slick ‘s’ knows.

0
BC Dick

It is off to have separate words for less/fewer but not for more. But then why not? The English language is a forever changing thing. Unlike that staid French jibber jabber. With their rules and councils.

0
King Hippo

Where do we begin? The rubble or our sins?

1
scotchnaut

“Yes.”

-all of the lazy commenters

2
BC Dick

Jiminy crickets. 114 is hot. I only just learned that exact temperature last year. Wisconsin is probably humid too. Maybe? There’s some big lakes around there somewhere.

2
BC Dick

I learned how that temperature feels. Or how it feels to be in that exact outdoor temperature. That’s the grammar I want I thinks.

0
King Hippo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PYt0SDnrBE

1
WCS

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