Yes, yes, welcome to Wumbo Wednesday (image courtesy of Know Your Meme), and keep your applause until—well that ended quickly! Jerks.
Anyway, I’m taking this vessel over as my own damn soapbox. What can I ramble about? I don’t know, then it wouldn’t be a ramble. Sometimes I may use this as a BattleBots Beat (like next week, as we get closer to BattleBots Champions: Take Bounty Hunters and Robot Wars All-Stars, and I guess you have this?)
Why wumbo? Because it’s first grade, SpongeBob, and because I’m still trying to convince Hermana Weaselo that Wumbotron would be a good band name. She thinks it’s dumb. And Weaselo’s Wumbo Wednesday is alliterative.
Anyway, introductions out of the way, onto the fun stuff. This was going to be a trade deadline preview thread, but then everyone decided to drop their alternate helmets thanks to the end of the unnecessary one-shell rule. So in the style of my previous complaints about uniforms, let’s draw from that well again!
Atlanta Falcons
The return of the red helmets from their first season (1966), to go with the black unis in homage to that season. (The whole ensemble will look like this.)
Verdict: Today let’s use the Teen Girl Squad method: So good or no good? Sooo good!
Arizona Cardinals
Embrace The Darkness 🌒 pic.twitter.com/npLsNHksxn
— Arizona Cardinals (@AZCardinals) July 24, 2022
They’re black helmets to go with the black unis. Because, you know, when I think of Cardinals, I think of black! Oh, it’ll get worse, don’t worry. At least the cardinal pops okay.
Verdict: Nooo good on the Black Mass, but sooo good on the black helmets going with it.
Carolina Panthers
On the other hand, here’s a team who’s had black forever, and this actually looks pretty nice, I gotta say. The teal silouette pops. Not sure if I like the 3-D Carolina on the bumper, because I am a massive nerd. Thankfully this came out before the Marvel trailers, so there were hopefully fewer “Wakanda forever!” cracks. Because the Forrest Gump jokes will be saved for the first time Carolina loses in these.
Verdict: Sooo good!
Chicago Bears
Fresher than the rest 😮💨 pic.twitter.com/cTGeQK8wOM
— Chicago Bears (@ChicagoBears) July 24, 2022
Orange helmets to go with the orange unis. I, uh, think they’re a bit garish. Like, maybe they could use a stripe? I know the normal Bears helmet doesn’t, but the Browns (#ThePauls) mocked them for the close resemblances of helmets. That won’t win you many points. Unless, of course, you’re Detroit.
…If you’re Detroit!
Verdict: Nooo good!
Cincinnati Bengals
A deal's a deal. 🤝
Presented by Swift Meats pic.twitter.com/miE5FLlzdS
— Cincinnati Bengals (@Bengals) July 22, 2022
Well this one was inevitable, as the Bengals are probably planning to use this whenever they wear their whites. After a quick Wiki-ing, it seems that white tigers appear approximately once in every 10,000 Bengal tiger births, as both parents would need to carry that recessive gene.
Verdict: Sooo good!
Dallas Non-Gendered Cowpersons
Honoring tradition. 🏈⭐️
The #DallasCowboys unveil alternate helmet for 2022 season.
— Dallas Cowboys (@dallascowboys) July 21, 2022
Dallas is going back to the OG white helmets that they wore until 1963, and it looks like they used to wear for Thanksgiving prior to the one-shell rule. And since the rule’s been lifted, they can do it again. The retros return as well.
Verdict: Sooo good!
Houston…?
Drop. Red. Gorgeous. 😍
See it in person » https://t.co/BhmIAlgqev pic.twitter.com/KypSTIb5kA
— Houston Texans (@HoustonTexans) July 12, 2022
It’s a red version of their normally blue helmet. Once again, we get into the age-old question we have for the Texas Rangers: Are they a red team or a blue team? I imagine they’ll wear red with the red unis, blue with the blue unis, and anyone’s guess with the white unis, but probably blue as it’s the primary. Honestly, I think since the way the cattle is tilted blue is the predominant color, this does pop better.
Verdict: Okay! I mean, so good!
New England Patriots
*Matty McFly. pic.twitter.com/lqqMG13VXl
— New England Patriots (@Patriots) June 22, 2022
Pat Patriot is back. Hopefully with it is the P*ts (lack of) cromulence over those years.
Verdict: Sooo good!
New Orleans Saints
Your New Orleans Seahawks! Well, no, before DJ Taj tries to assault me. Fleurs de lis (fleur de lises?) adorn where the stripe normally would be. The rest is a cut and dry palette swap.
Verdict: Nooo good! (Saints fans: Well, I think it’s hella tight.)
New York (Football) Giants
Built on Legacy. The 80s-90s uniforms are returning twice this season
📰: https://t.co/ZWonTr6V1A pic.twitter.com/LNzy91pTFt
— New York Giants (@Giants) July 20, 2022
Returning the old “Giants” logo with the retro blues. I’m not sure if this counts, tbh, or if it’s just a change in the decals. It may be a slightly darker helmet?
Verdict: Sooo good!
Philadelphia Eagles
Paint it black#FlyEaglesFly pic.twitter.com/9FPwyQ9fSR
— Philadelphia Eagles (@Eagles) July 22, 2022
The kelly greens were RIGHT FUCKING THERE, but no, they’re apparently waiting one year for the throwbacks. I’m guessing when the whole logo can get a facelift? I mean, there’s a new wordmark and it looks decidedly meh at best. Why did they have to wait a year for the throwbacks? Fuck if I know, probably because of the black unis. Well, you fucked up there Iggles.
Verdict: Nooo good!
Washington Commanders
The Commanders’ alternate helmet will be gloss-black with a matching black facemask. The team’s ‘W’ logo is on the front of the helmet; numbers will be on both sides. The rear of the helmet has the DC flag. pic.twitter.com/fN3vV2gbhk
— Helmet Stalker (@HelmetStalker) February 6, 2022
As you’d expect, the burgundies are the primaries. As for this: meh. I mean, it’s still the Commanders and it’s hard to really get any sort of traction about them at all.
Verdict: Oookay!
And now, let’s save the best for last. Oh, did I say best? I meant definitely not that.
New York Jets
It’s just… the logo makes it worse, and with the green on black. Just… dear god no. “Best alternate helmet in the league,” Michael Carter? More like worst place, ding. God, when will they be allowed by the NFL to fix the logo?
Verdict: ARROWED!
Anyway, what’s on tonight? (All times Eastern)
MLB:
Subway Series (Flushing-bound 7 Train): NYY@NYM (Germán vs. Scherzer) 7:00, ESPN
The Basketball Tournament
Round of 16 action (Teams TBD) 7:00, ESPN2
Quarterfinal action (Teams TBD) 9:00, ESPN2
I’d also recommend catching up on this season of Marbula One, as it’ll come down to the wire at the final track, Mirage Meowtain. Can the Crazy Cat’s Eyes upend the host’s curse to overtake the O’rangers and repeat as Marbula One champions? If they can, Red Eye would probably repeat, down 7 points to Orangin, which has already completed its share of the races. Starry of Team Galactic and Clutter of Balls of Chaos also have reasonable chances at the racers’ championship, while Aryp of Team Primary and Mimo of Team Momo would need a miracle.
Have at it below!
I think the Jets are going to win some regular season games next season. Not this season, though. Too many brand new moving parts. But this absolutely stupid Zach Wilson New York Post shit? You have to think it’ll unnecessarily move the NYJ win total at LEAST a full game higher than it should be. Food for thought.
Normally you’d have to tell him to beat it, bozo!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbxowFXKpNs
Wait, Mike Brown is paying for two helmets? Or do the players have to spring for the alternate?
He’s taking a little bit out of their paycheck until the debt is paid off so they don’t really feel the pinch of having to pay for those helmets. It’s like he’s doing them a favour, really.
Day three of the Hockey Canada hearings and it’s just getting worse:
Hockey Canada says there have been 12 uninsured abuse claims settled worth a collective $1.3M. One perpetrator was connected to FOUR of those claims and accounts for $1M in settlements.
Seriously, give Hockey Canada the death penalty
Burn that organization to the ground.
Name names dammit!
Cmon man the kids are already damaged enough. Wait for them to get on Grindr.
I was asking about the sluts that let a train get run on them.
Yeah those kids are just the worst.
Those Panthers helmets are nice. The rest are pretty underwhelming.
I like the white tiger stripes on the Bengals helmets.
I was kind of hoping for a Bengal or the word Bengals on the helmet. It’s not terrible though.
Just played the second night of back to backs in hockey. How did I do? I played like Patrick Roy!*
*This Patrick Roy
https://youtu.be/jS2WGERGKHE
Well, It’s about the friendships that you made along the way.
Daytime Dodgers! The pitcher for the Nationals got lit up for 6 runs in the first inning. 45 pitches and only two outs before he got yanked (and not in the fun Robert Kraft way).
Great seats!
Probably a little toasty but a nice day overall.
The crazy thing is that they were $12 or so – Section 9 (not top deck, the other thing). Fifteen rows further back and we’d have been in the shade.
Sometimes I think the manager should just let the pitcher work it out so he can rest his bullpen. Why ruin more arms because one guy forgot he’s not a BP pitcher, ya know?
Part of it is about not destroying the guy’s confidence, since you need him again in 5 days. But your point is still worth arguing. Let’s get drunk and do that.
Looks like we found Dusty Baker’s account.
Good Wumbo
So the 7 train to Flushing…I would like to hear John Rocker’s thoughts.
Canadian Premier League is about as boring as MLS. Time to put on some In The Heat Of The Night to increase the excitement level.
Appropriate, since 1 in 10,000 is also the Bengals’ chances of winning a Super Bowl.
Redshirt:
(artist’s conception)
I’m willing to accept that but only because I can’t find the video I’m looking for.
He knows it’s true.
Actually based on the play calling in that Super Bowl, I think that one needs replaced with a more crooked number.
If it’s any consolation, I don’t even have a favorite NFL team. I mean, I cheer for the Dolphins, but they’re more like a mediocre SEC team — the kind that gets their ass kicked by Auburn and Georgia every year and just hopes to squeak into a shitty bowl game once in a while.
“The Miami Dolphins: We Make Mississippi State Look Worthwhile!”
It’s kind of funny that Florida’s best-performing sports franchises tend to be the hockey teams.
Idk. They could be just one offensive lineman and an appendix away.
Watch that appendix be the source of all of Burrow’s talent.
This is a man who has experienced some real shit.
I kind of feel like we should submit that idea to DrawPlayDave for a comic strip.
Oh my God! It’s going to be ok, Redshirt
To be fair, RAMMMMMMMMMIT destroyed his hopes and dreams.
Of course they went with the black and white helmets as they are $0.01 cheaper per unit than the ones with color.
“Damnit, I remember the good old days when the coloreds were cheaper.” — Jerry Richardson
.
There’s the cutting-edge technology Dan Snyder is looking for!
No, he’s got something else in mind for the cheerleaders’ dance studio locker room…
The one thing he would actually spend money on!
So Brett Farve size
Probably the worst selfie you’ve ever posted. Du Bettr!
You’d better watch your step, or Brick will shoot you with his Space Modulator!
Let’s join hands and pray together that he doesn’t fall victim to “SPACE MADNESS!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jm4JpVZbv5g&ab_channel=jonnette89
Worst gimp mask ever! – Zed
My week so far (Artistic Interpretation).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBN_hUnoSFs
One of my coworkers who I’ve worked with for the last 13 years just gave me a hug and walked out the door to retirement.
She is an absolutely wonderful human being too. I’m so jealous.
That gave me a lump in my throat too.
No Steelers helmet?
I’m sure Myles Garrett will just rip the one off of Mason Rudolf’s head for a preview later on.
It’s funny because Mason thinks he’s people.
“Best I can do is a Steelers Wheel. Hope you like it.”
-Gerry Rafferty
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMAIsqvTh7g&ab_channel=MagicHat233
Good song to lose an ear to
Another Giants helmet feature is a very tiny retractable coke spoon. Say what you want about LT, as a designer, he was true to his roots.
Is Joliet Jake ok? He hasn’t been around for weeks now.
I don’t want to get into specifics but there was a really, really long Mensa meeting involved.
Thank God. I thought the coyotes finally got him…
He’s fine but he’s no longer a part of this site.
Copy that
Well, even though the Cashiering was in private, here’s the appropriate music.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efUyPapNFSg
Can’t believe we’re missing our wrestling correspondent just when this McMahon news is breaking.
Agreed. Tony Khan is scared. If Triple H can get WWE about half as good as he got NXT, AEW is gonna get some serious competition.
Aww. I’m not the biggest wrasslin’ fan, but always enjoyed his insight and comments…
& that pic of his kitties in the dishwasher was just hands down adorable.
He’s fine. He just…had to go back to Joliet for a little while.
Hopefully he knows the tax code or is good with numbers.