Well, it’s time for a tradition unlike any other.
No, it’s not The Masters, it’s everyone’s favorite attempt to be clever and/or raunchy, the nth annual Guide to Fantasy Football names! As I just said, it’s about being witty, it’s about being potentially offensive, it’s about being so offensive that it stops being offensive and starts being funny. Basically, if you Springtime for Hitler/Aristocrats your fantasy name you’ll be fine. Also, incidentally, if you Aristocats your team name, also fine. Everybody wants to be a cat, after all.
Or of course you can take the running joke approach. Last year in the DFO tWBS Memorial League (not the actual name), at least half the league had some sort of White Claw joke in the name. (No, I was not one of them.)
The third option is of course the best political and/or pop culture joke you can muster. This normally ends up being my approach, because I don’t know what you can actually get away with on the various fantasy sports sites. Anyway, here’s what we gots, with hat tips to various others. And if you have better, post ’em. And yes, there is your normal fare of punny names and cunning linguistics. Hell, some of them would work as account names here.
Football-related
Marshawn’s Skittlebrau
BYU Cougar Hunters
Cleveland Masseuse Convention
Clipboard Bank Jesus
Study Sessions with Kyler
Little Orange(/Navy) Riding Russ
Masked Sabbaticals
Cock Commanders (because South Carolina didn’t take it)
Three Crowns One Kupp
Hasidic JuJu
Aaron Donald’s Kobudo Class
Araiza’s House Party (c/o Low Commander)
Living Here in Josh Allentown (Reverend Mayhem)
Bulagas on Parade (Reverend)
Mo Alie-Cox Mo Problems (Reverend)
3000 Years of Longwell (Reverend)
Ginny McCaskey’s Anal Plug (Reverend)
DeShaun Watson’s Unhappy Endings (Reverend)
Dan Snyder: Yachtsman (Reverend)
FedEx Field Log Flume Ride (ArmedandHammered)
Trent Green’s Croquet Club & Pony Baths (SonOfSpam)
CeeDeeCee Mask Guidelines (Sharkbait)
My Way or Haskins Highway (Dok)
Ms. Irrelevant: In Transition (Fronk)
Politics/News related
Moscow Conscripted Cannon Fodder
Roe v. Wade Phillips (taken by Sharkbait)
Lesbian Dance Theory (taken by GTD)
Baby Scrapin’ Outlaws (SonOfSpam)
Underwater Basket Weavers
Kherson Turkey Shoot
Herschel Walker’s Tree Farm
Herschel Walker’s CTE Goes to Washington (Dok)
MAL Raiders
Raiders of the Lost Docs
Pop-culture/Misc. (including DFO in-jokes)
Let Me Draft Him
QB Spy x Family
Eldia Rumblers
Blair Witches
TVA Gators
Stoma Fuckers Utd (Hippo)
Blair Witches
And of course, many, many more. The twistedness of your mind is at your disposal!
What’s for sports? (All times Eastern.)
MLB
Upper Deck BJs vs. White House BJs (OAK-WAS), 7:05
Small Bears vs. Upper Country BJs (CHC-TOR), 7:05
Brooklyn vs. Queens (LAD-NYM), 7:10 (and I root for neither!)
Playoff Drought vs. Power Outage (SEA-DET), 7:10
Rocktober vs. Choptober (COL-ATL), 7:20
Fly Ball Misadventures vs. Twinkies (BOS-MIN), 7:40
Lorde (ya ya ya) vs. Tony La Russa’s Drunken Musings (KC-CWS), 8:10
Judge vs. Ohtani (NYY-LAA), 9:38
Italian Stallions vs. Snakes (PHI-ARI), 9:40
Lil B’s shout-outs (WNBA semifinals, best of 5)
Connecticut vs. Chicago, Game 2 (CONN leads 1-0), 8:00 (ESPN2)
Storm vs. Aces, Game 2 (SEA leads 1-0), 10:00 (ESPN2)
Others
US Open 2nd round, live from the parking lot that will be Flushing Meadows because the Mets are also playing, 7:00 (ESPN)
Assorted MLS
AEW Dynamite, 8:00 (TBS)
BattleBots (rerun of Skorpios bounty?), 10:00 (TBS)
It’s like Yahoo knows who I am:
“Whatever the plan going into the draft, it surely didn’t involve collecting such a small group of stars, as Balls’ Butt Bonanza put together a bottom-heavy group of players.”
Dat Ball’s Ass
Charles Harrison’s One Hit Wonder.
Reminder that Welcome to Wrexham is on tonight with 2 new episodes. We get to meet a new character that will inspire a nickname for him and a song tribute from the fans that would sing it during the game. Tune in.
I’m catching the episodes tomorrow on Hulu. Wonderful series so far.
I wonder when Mac’s dad shows up to “establish dominance” on the rest of the league.
Loving this series. Definitely making me a fan.
Aurora SauceGarden Miseries
Deebo Shot First
J.D. Vance’s T.D. Dance
Keeping Classified Documents in Mahomes
That’s excellent, but those spoilsports at Yahoo will tell you it’s too long.
I still kinda feel bad using Roe v. Wade Philips
At least you’re not using a coat hanger.
Yet.
Don’t, it’s hilarious. Gumby sez he might use that one in his league!
With your kind permission, of course?
Go for it!
Please note down one (1) This Is Great for “My Way or Haskins Highway”
@Horatio
Wifey killed the interview for her next job and was told that the last piece was a short conversation with her last boss.
Wifey: “Who the hell does that? They’ve given me the job and now they insist on talking to my last boss? WTF!!!”
Me: “It’s not about you-some incredibly serious shit went down at some point in the past and a new policy was made.”
Wifey: “Ahhh…”
Yeah, more than likely. Get the details, that’s likely a hell of a story.
“So, I just want to make sure that you have the licenses you’ve represented that you have, and that you won’t use a man’s voice to say that you have a brain tumor when we find out you don’t have those licenses and call the house to ask what’s going on.”
-This is, I swear on my kids, why I have the job I have now.
Stop it. Just stop it. Jeebuz Christ!*
*that you won’t use a man’s voice to say that you have a brain tumor
/I’m fucking wheezing from laughing so hard, fuck sakes!
Check Slack
Letterkenny Pickett (how’s the QB, Wayne? Oh, not so bad . . . yerself?)
Kilkenny Pickett (either for your Irish fans or something for Browns fans to chant whilst their serial molester sits out a bit)
Kenny Pickett’s Fences (all the folks in Pittsburgh already have Tom Skerrit mustaches)
Kenny Pickett’s Chargers (perhaps too literal if the Boltmen and Yinzers trade QBs, but reflects the likely offense of plunging into the line for no gain during a spectacular loss).
Pickett’s Pocket Protectors (Steelers O-Line is unrecognizable to me these day, but they could turn out OK)
The Bastards Who Killed Kenny (Ron Howard voice — the O-Line did not turn out OK)
Three Rivers Phoenix (if young Pickett gets up to fight again after the beat down referenced above)
/stopping now to duck the tomatoes and empty IC light cans!
Oh this is wonderful!
Well done.
Sarah Palin out of work again, she might have to wander to a wasteland even more desolate and sparse than the wilds of Alaska, [Herodotus didn’t pay his comedy writers this month so we didn’t finish this joke].
These team names are killing me-I’ve not laughed this hard in a long, long time.*
*it might be the meds/scotch/beer but you fuckers are bringing it
“Von Milla’s Sense of Snow”*
*callback to 2013
I’m thinking of picking up Baker Mayfield strictly for his Week 1 revenge game against Cleveland. I can see him putting up 400+ and 5 TDs, then fading back to Carolina Irrelevance
I’m using “Brick’s Left Foot”
Thank you, Gumbygirl!
Why not? He isn’t.
/applauds in Christy Brown
//spills potatoes everywhere
Now he’ll get half a pedi in a hardware store.
Doing better than I am behind the hardware store.
As well you should.
I’m glad you like it!
‘Ginny McCaskey’s Anal Plug’ sings. Exquisite verse.
Yes. And The Fed Ex log flume ride one. It’s been a fun night!
This year I’m only running out one team, Hey Laszlo Guess What?
If you’re not watching What We Do In The Shadows you should be.
Special guest, Matt Araiza as the Train Conductor
In honor of Hippo:
Balls’ Butt Bonanza
If I win the Gratuitous Simpsons References FF League it will in large part be due to Boris. And also dumb luck, the most crucial element of fantasy football.
I am sure that all of Boris’s solid advice will, in the end, be undone by my own incompetence.
Araiza-ed By Wolves.
FBI: Mar-a-Lago division
Mike McCarthy’s Constant Sense of Deja Vu
Impossible Norwegian with another hat-trick.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSdAPA1KMq4&ab_channel=fuboTVOfficial
I like the ladies sitting across from me, they just called Sarah Palin a nutcase
lol people hate Sarah Palin so much Alaska’s gone blue
I have seen an adult feature that would be considered “blue” featuring what looked like Sarah Palin.
She really did look a lot like Palin. With a couple of obvious add-on exceptions.
Had a rhyming title…
That’s important in porn.
I would have gone with Poling Palin
“The Balloons-they do nothing!”
-Hippo
How cool is that!
Rex Ryan’s Toejam Football.
Bannon’s Malignant Skintags
Butte Holes
Mississippi Sodabathers
Preteen Mothers of Ohio
Justin Tucker Splits You Down The Middle
The Preteen Mothers is outstanding.
Also out standing by preteen mothers, Matt Gaetz!
Mississippi Sodabathers soon to be Mississippi Burning, if they don’t get a handle on that shit quick.
I went with Catcher In The Rye Whiskey for my team. Not sure I’m going to stick with it, though.
Joe Burrow’s Venetian Line
Joe Flacco: The Whitest Shade of Fail
COVID has returned my work and wiped out everyone in my department…except me so far. I had faith I wouldn’t have it. I have no symptoms and, on a good day, only two maybe three of you would actually wish COVID upon me (double to triple the number if we include our fallen compatriots by banishment or by choice).
I’d love to stay and talk, but I have to start winding down to sleep in…15 minutes?! Oh, crap.
As always, I continue to accept prayers, well wishes or forms of currency.
When everyone is sick, more work falls to the last man standing. Good luck and hope your coworkers have a speedy recovery.
Thanks!
Unlike my last place, which would say, “You can do it, we have faith in you” and then not reduce the workload/expectation and complain when I fail to do the job of three people in a timely manner, this place is actually sending help from other departments. They have to be trained about what to do, but that’s not that bad.
Unfortunately, the supervisor is also out and I was never trained about what they do. The next week or two should be fun.
Hope you stay immune. From ill wishes, I mean. The lame ones. A very personal and elaborate death wish is high flattery.
Stay safe, man.
Avoid COVID like Paul Brown and spending money
Mike Brown would love to offer you some well wishes.
The lounge lady at the SATS lounge is calling a billion people to see if my business class boarding pass qualifies me for entry. Should I just give her my Priority Pass and save her the work?
Only AFTER she lets you in. “Out of curiosity…would this have worked?”
That’s the way.
Oh, my God! I just did a literally spit take. Nice done!
This is it.
This is like the 6th time in trying to watch Disenchantment.
Yeah, they use some big words.
If you make it far enough to hear Matt Berry’s voice you’re over the hump and the rest will be smooth sailing.
Wait, got another one. Monday Night Furball!
Kanhe Pickit?
Pickett doesn’t seem David Berkowitz-level crazy yet, unlike Kanye.
Give him time. There’s got to be something wrong with him, he’s too good to be true.
Trey Lance-a-little
Stabbing PoonRobbie
DiCaprio’s Tween Dreams
These are pretty shitty, but I just can’t find inspiration or anything better than GG’s.
I like Trey Lance- a- little!
That’s good.
Do all you Canadians say dirty — like cooking up a dirty burger?
Possibly.
Not out west. Dirty South yes.
When the Texas gubmt did the abortion ban, I named my team in Hippos lge the Abilene Abortion Hunters.
Brick’s Left Foot.
Soooooooo, after my divorce my ex wife lost her foot in a motorcycle accident! Karma.
Well the winner of my longtime league always gets to name the loser. Well my buddy named the loser the One footed G’s, after her initial.
Ruthless. Hilarious, but ruthless.
When Gumby was first in the Navy, he had an apartment with a couple of other squids. They had a neighbor with a birth defect, that they called the One Armed Bandit. They thought she couldn’t hear them. She could.
A guy that works for me has a birth defect arm. He told his 12 year old son that is what happens when you jerk off.
Fuck did we laugh for days at that.
Soooooooo, after my divorce my ex wife lost her foot
Damn, you had one hell of a lawyer!
No damn Canadian lawyers in here dammit. I may have asked.
I reckon I could get Hippo here with the promise of me saying my back hurts and getting free meds but that is it.
If only she had met Brick sooner, they could have really been good together.
Not so good they win a potato sack race, but the amount of savings they could get on a pair of shoes!
Flores and The Loss Machine.
This is brilliant.
Stephen Ross’ Lose For Less
How’s this? Miami Spousal Abuse Machine
I don’t like it but I’m on a clock and draft in 25 minutes.
May the Mitchell Schwartz Be With You?
Wait, no, “The Mitchell Schwartz Awakens”.
Dude you can change the name literally every week. You’ve got time.
If there’s ever a case of “doctor operating on wrong patient or wrong body part at The Sault Area Hospital” story I just can’t/won’t believe it’s possible. From intake to pre-surgery there were six different individuals (including the surgeon) checking my name, the type of surgery, allergies, cell phone #’s, previous surgeries, my address, etc. The thoroughness of their process was mind-boggling. Perhaps this policy was put in place because of a mixup somewhere in the past but if that is true some uber-level proactive shit was put in place. Incredible.
Oh, you better believe that process was put in place after someone fucked up HUGE.
I texted the exact same words to my wife. No lie.
The Redshite-supporter kid my Wolven Sort daughter is dating named his side “Henry Ruggs’ Mercedes.”
I still can’t accept him, because of the Redshite thing. But that’s not half bad for a college kid.
You should call him ‘Sisyphus’ during the interim-because his attempts at getting you to like him will be a long, continued, laborious process.
Scothnaut is on a roll with the names tonight.
Sort of like some guy pushing a rock up a hill. Just can’t quite recall his name.
This year I’m going with three new ones. “Keep My Team Name Out Your F’n Mouth!” “Baby’s First Cocaine,” and “The Aristocrats!”
Had knee surgery and was given plenty of pills. Got visions of women’s shoulders dancing in my head right now. Why? Not a clue.
The root canal dude was really good and thankfully quick with his terrifying procedure. But he didn’t even OFFER ME pills.
/I did see a gal with nice shoulders walk into the building, as I waited in my car until appt time
Some happier seat pairings at the U.S. Open today. Tiger Woods seated next to a Waffle House waitress.
Aaron Rodgers seated next to Jenny McCarthy
I made that Tiger Woods comment in jest, in reality he’s seated next to his girlfriend Erica Herman who is…wait for it…a restaurant manager.
Tiger movin’ on up in the world!
Man has a type.
Joe Rogan seated next to Alex Jones
Eli Manning seated next to J.K. Rowling
Zuul next to Vigo the Carpathian
Johnny Van Zant and Vanessa Bryant
Dr. Ronny Jackson seated next to Dr. David Chao
Lily seated next to Penny
DAAAAAWWWWWWW!!!!
Leonardo DiCaprio seated next to a 26-year old actress
Why such an old broad?
— Matt G., FL
He is trying to get her pension.
Kellen Winslow Jr. seated next to a Kleenex sales rep.
2Pac seated next to Marika Fruscio.
Kurt Kelly seated between Heather Chandler and Veronica Sawyer
Jerry Sandusky at the kid’s table
Oh my.
I would also nominate Tony the Tiger Touched My Butthole
Balls’ Butthole Bonanza
I need to make a macro for Judges Balls in WASP