Don’t worry about Hippo’s Lesser burnout, Litre_Cola has questions for the class. TAKE IT AWAY, eh?
Howdy! I have a few Q’s for the Prem thus far.
Shocked that the King’s Water Pistols are in 1st?
Litre : Thanks other Litre for the invite! Hell yes I am surprised they are in 1st. Swarthy Arteta has the young lads playing amazingly. Their schedule includes the team I don’t think is real this week, Robin Hoods, the derby against Chelski, then the Wolfys. They could be in 1st by the World Cup break. Didja see that happenin? No, no you did not.
Hippo: More “mildly surprised” as I had them in the Shempions places. I enjoy watching a full project coming together, rather than “half-assed attempt for like 20 fixtures, then blowing it up to hire the most famous available manager and spend ALL TEH MONEYS.”
Balls: Not shocked. More pleasantly surprised. However, I do not think they will stay there long as Horatio touches himself WAY too much to have nice things. I’m sorry, Cecil! It’s not your fault!
Who do you think will be battling to stay up based on performance thus far?
Hippo: Forest and Leicester are legitimately dreadful and massively likely to go down. Cherries, Wolves, Villans likely to scrap over the last relegation ticket – but don’t be surprised if Everton and/or Saints flirt with danger, too. [UPDATE – I foolishly answered prior to Thursday’s fixtures – Leeds are in deep doo-doo, as well.]
Litre: Well I have to think the Robin Hoods are going down so that leaves 2 spots up. The Hippo and I have discussed this since before the season due to his fear of his beloved Bitter Blues going down. Normally this is where I would say that Mighty Whitey is in the mix, but at this point I think we will finally survive. I 100 percent think Wolfy is in deep trouble their search for a new manager is laughable. The last two who I think will be battling to stay up are Villa, and Leeds. Didja see that after Stevie G went to the Cottage on Thursday he got fired before he got back to Birmingham???? Pure deliciousness. The Whites play the Whites this weekend and if the Londoners win then the Yank manager at Leeds could see the same fate as Stevie. (I am still surprised that tight pants Frank still has his job at Goodison)
Balls: I stick with my original choices. I think Everton stays up no matter how fatalistic Hippo gets.
Changed your mind about the top 6? I include 6 because Euro trips are fun.
Hippo: I mean, West Ham probably ain’t gonna make it. That was probably just wishful thinking, getting some non-traditional blood in the cut.
Litre: Let’s see, City, Water Pistols, Liverpool, Tottenham, Chelsea, and I think the Saudis will pip 6th. I wish my betting house had that for a bet. That leaves Men Untied out!
Balls: Nope! I don’t see anyone displacing them. Sun. East. That kind of thing.
Where will your beloved finish?
Hippo: 16th. We just can’t fookin’ score any soccer points.
Litre: Why thank you for asking other Litre. This season has been amazing. So far beyond my expectations that I can’t believe it.
They said mItRo CaNt ScOrE iN tHe PrEm!?! Suck it, 8 goals.
Tim Ream is an old man and far past it. REEEEEEAAAAAAMMMMMM.
The Water Pistols sold us Leno the keeper for pennies and he has been unreal.
The Portuguese dudes that came onboard due to our suave Manager have been sublime.
Signing of Willian has been the biggest, and happiest surprise for me. Guy still has it, he is like a Berbatov 2.0!
Mighty Whitey finishes 13th and it will be amazing to have 1 year of stability.
As always, suck it Tony Khan.
Balls: Barça will finish second in La Liga to Real Madrid who, and it pains me to say this, are the best team in the world. Toluca is in the Liga MX semifinals with a 2-1 lead on América after the home first leg. We’ll see how far they go. The Steelers will struggle to finish above 500, but they will.
Finally, Geelong WON THE PREMIERSHIP BABY!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I’m ordering my PREMIERSHIP bandanna for my wing wang this week.
Haaland is the real deal, that is all. Howevah! I see rumblings that he will not sign a long term deal and those crazy krauts Bayern want him. How long will he stay?
Hippo: He will stay for as long as Pep stays. Then fuck off to Madrid. I’d guess that means through 2025 or 2026.
Litre: I think he will stay 2 years and then crave that sweet Munich money.
Balls: Dude, he just got there! However, I understand the question and he’ll stay as long as Pep is the coach. That’s why he chose City.
Will Ronaldo stay past January?
Hippo: Yes, only because there’s nowhere for him to go (and Men Untied won’t just straight fuck him off). He’s basically Lesser Q-aaron/MRSA Dreamboat hybrid, at this point.
Litre: Oh he fucking gone. Suspended for the match this weekend due to his strop this week. The only logical place for him to go is Sporting Lisbon. This sucks as personally I am a fan of that club. First ever big match that I attended was in Lisboa. If it happens I will have to switch my Portuguese allegiances which is a shame after 22 years.
Balls: No fucking way. He got the classic bait and switch pulled on him. He’ll go to the Mexican league Dani Alves style if that means he gets the fuck out of Manchester.
Will Mbappe stay at PSG past January?
Hippo: I hadn’t heard the rumoUr that he was even considering a move. Absolutely no way does Qatar let him go before they get bounced from Shempions League play.
Balls: Yes. Next summer is when PSG will get dismantled. I wouldn’t be surprised if all three are gone by August next year.
Litre: Oh there is a lot of slimy backdoor shit going on there. I reckon he will end up at Real as Benzema the Golden Booter is getting a wee bit long in the tooth. (Once seen repping a proper hockey club)
What do we have today?
Early game is The Robin Hoods v Liverpool. Hippo, have we ever discussed how great a manager Klopp is?
The next two are Everton hosting Palace, and City hosting Brighton. Most will be watching City take on the upstart Trashbirds but our Hippo will be enraged watching his bitter Blues.
Oooh the late game is Chels-USA v Men Untied sans Ronaldo! I will be watching this in between pumpkin carving with wee man. I hope Untied run them out of the stadium in Fulham without Ronnie.
On Sunday Villa plays the Bees, Mighty Whitey travels to Leeds, The Water Pistols take on an imaginary team, Wolfy plays Foxy Footy in a very important relegation battle and the afternoon is Spurs v the Saudis. The game at White Hart Lane is a perfect measuring stick for the Khashoggi murderers.
Back to your regular Hippo programming.
Now, for the JV fun….
Iowa (+29) at THEEEEE Ohio State (Noon, Fox)
Originally, I thought Team Cornpone was at home. This will be a murder now, but Redshirt can enjoy the awkward boner.
SillyCuse (+13.5) at Clemson (Noon, ABC)
Hey, looky-loo, another potentially interesting tilt, if only the location were reversed.
Cincinnati (-3) at SMU (Noon, ESPN)
Don’t look now, but JV WKRP looks like they will be right back in the G5 “New Year’s Six” slot. Provided they survive the trip to Dallas (with the most dignified of apologies to the Kennedys).
West By God Virginia (+7) at Texas Tech (3:00, FS1)
3-3 against 3-3 is a GREAT way to get ready for tomorrow’s NFL action. Plus, you know. Incest jokes!
Ole Miss (+1.5) at LSU (3:30, CBS)
I don’t remember the last time Hippo made it this deep into a preview before the SEC showed up. But this is a mighty interesting tilt, if not the Game of the Century like last week’s.
UCLA (+6) at Oregon (3:30, Fox)
I hate Chip Kelly and hope he dies. So much, that I will affirmatively root for Quack Attack.
Balls: Hippo, can you please show me on the doll where Chip Kelly touched you?
No, there’s not booing. They’re saying, “Da-BOOO! Da-BOOO!”
I WANT ALL THE TURNOVERS!
-Me
-Andy, at the pastry shop
Pulisic would have saved that.
At this point, I expected the National Championship Trophy to literally grow legs and walk off the Clemson field.
Clemson going down with the Shipley?
My consumption of those two Del double cheeseburgers yesterday has quenched any craving I might have for fast food for the next three weeks or so.
“Same.”
— Rikki’s septic tank
I’m about to go full Keto after Halloween, so I’m eating all the fast food I can. If I have a fatal heart attack, I don’t have to start my Keto Diet.
You have to want it. Some of us are built different.
Never get the burgers with all those toppings. Stick to the regular ones and put a few packets of the hot sauce on them. Load up on the fries and the cheddar quesadilla.
Take it from a well-seasoned, rotund fellow with an affinity for Del Taco.
Dabo Dabo! DABO! is such a charlatan that he has me actually rooting for Sillycuse. It’s kind of impressive, really.
Eh, I’ll watch Cuse/Clem Jr., until Ohio State and Cincy come back from commercial.
(Clemson fumbles the ball to Syracuse)
(puts down remote) On the other hand, I can keep updated with the games online.
Right? I shouldn’t care about this game – even a little bit – but here I am, still watching.
Clemson is really derping around here.
Syracuse: “You merely adopted the Orange, Clemson. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn’t see the color until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but blinding!”
Producer: “Uhh, Urban, no one else on the halftime desk needs to wear sunglasses. Can you not wear them please?”
Meyer: “Umm, the lights the production team has set up hurt my eyes!”
Producer: “It’s broad daylight, we haven’t set up any lights.”
Meyer: “I, I… LOOK, THE GLASSES HIDE MY BEADY EYES, OKAY?” [takes glasses off]
Producer: “Damn, they are really beady-leave them on.”
(Freshman Orientation at Miami and Ohio State)
“Welcome to the University of Miami/The Ohio State University. Your class schedule has been emailed to you. Lunches will be provided at any restaurant that accepts your Meal Plan. Oh, and don’t look Urban Meyer in the eyes, as he has no soul, and his soulless eyes will drive you insane. Good lunch and welcome to The U/Ohio State!”
“A lucky ‘kick to the shin’ will be provided free of charge.”
There’s the dumb mug of Urban Meyer-the man is failing sideways. How is that possible?
/piece of shit
SillyCuse with the two score buffer they desperately need.
The background quite well describes the state of the basketball program.
/Horatio will +1 this comment as soon as he sees it
+1? Goddamn man, I’m downloading and saving this one!
United desperately need a striker. It shouldn’t take 25 chances a game to score a goal
I know just the guy.
He’s got a bit of a drinking problem though.
Please, go on…
This first half is gonna make Dabo very crabbo.
SillyCuse hanging in there like the stubbornest of dingleberries!
Shocked that the King’s Water Pistols are in 1st?
No, but they won’t be by February.
Who do you think will be battling to stay up based on performance thus far?
Leicester. Their greed in player sales to other EPL teams has fucked them so badly. Sure Casper Schmeichel isn’t on United. But they would have paid an extra £15m for him.
Changed your mind about the top 6? I include 6 because Euro trips are fun.
United look like they can get a Europa slot. City, Spurs, Chelsea, Barcodes are still my top 4.
Where will your beloved finish?
The optimist in me says 4th. The realist in me expects a quiet Winter transfer, followed by a series of injuries and a 9th place finish.
How long will Haaland stay? 3 seasons and then he’s off to Madrid.
Will Ronaldo stay past January?
If a team wants him, he’ll be gone before then. If not, he’ll be practicing with the U23 until the plague of injuries happen.
Will Mbappe stay at PSG past January?
If the FFF Pedo-ring is true, he’ll never leave France.
“Shocked that the King’s Water Pistols are in 1st?
No, but they won’t be by February.”
I’ve got a good luck flag flying outside my house says otherwise.
Also Leicester may as well start ordering “Champions League” letterhead right now. They’re cooked.
nil-nil, but as wide open as Buddy Cole’s ass-pussy!
#RainbowLaces
CLEMSON: [is at the Syracuse 5 yard line]
RTD: I’ll just watch the end of this drive and then Syracuse’s next drive to see if they tie it up.
SYRACUSE: [recovers a Clemson fumble and returns in 90 yards for a touchdown]
RTD: I’ll just watch one more drive.
we cant look away from this one I guess.
I’m upstairs reading, but I heard Gumby making fun of Yabba Dabo Doodoo, so I’m guessing ‘Cuse is winning.
“The little Brazilian schemer is in the book.”
Now that is a Premier League sentence right there.
Unsurprisingly, I do not want to know what a “Brazilian Steamer” is.
BLEERGH: “If you so much as touch our QBs, we will kill you and then flag you!”
JV BLEERGH: “Death Valley Driver on an RB? All good, play on!”
JV Footy is like the bar exam: a brutal hazing ritual that once you, as a QB, have passed, you never have to worry about anything like that happening again in your professional career.
Charmslinger: OUT (hammy)
Reid: IN (HAM)
Reid: IN (oven)(HAM)
fix(in’s also in second, third, and fourth ovens) that for you
I’m sure he’s equally giddy for the sausage (2), brisket (3), porterhouse (3), and burgers (4).
I did not realize that Aubamyeng was even back from the Continent until just now.
Apparently had as much success in France as Henry VIII.
They are talking about sending me back to one of the usual garden spots… getting too old for this shit…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2HH7J-Sx80
WOW, there is some shhhhiiiiittttt on the JV front today. I’mma watch Chelski/Men Untied fo sho
Did you just read your JV preview?
Man, I drafted that like 2-3 days ago, ain’t like I can remember that far in teh past. I ain’t no goddamned WIZARD smh
Well you can see into the future apparently, so you got that going for you.
This soccer game is hard to watch when you want both teams to lose and for everyone to get hurt along the way.
United are a likeable team now!
Martinez is like Rudy, but if Rudy as good
THEEE strip sack and a tuddy.
I LOVE Men Untied confirming what everybody with a scintilla of sense figured out already – Ronaldo is SO GRATE that he’s been available on a free since the summer. No interest whatsoever.
/also, as to the Trashbirds’ kit today, I am going with “Irradiated Watermelon Slurpee”
There is a better chance that Lea Michele read Ronaldo’s statement then there is he had anything to do with the writing of it.
Insurmountable lead update from Columbus
Haaland is on pace to score 58 goals!?
https://www.change.org/p/petition-to-get-erling-haaland-banned-from-association-football-because-it-s-just-not-fair
This never gets old.
He’s so good it’s not even a complete joke anymore. It really isn’t fair.
Loki. He’s bad. He is very pretty though!
D’AWWWWW!
The cuteness is the only thing keeping him alive!
I mean you did name him Loki, what did you expect?
Wait, wait, wait? Everton won 3-0 AND Liverpool lost to the Merry Men 1-0?
Has anyone checked on Hippo to make sure he didn’t die from a combination of dehydration and carpal tunnel?
Pretty sure when he goes, those things won’t be the cause.
Pep looks like he’s napping
Very Satisfying Everton?
And don’t think I didn’t notice that chronic masturbation joke, Sirs.
Zaha gonna be politiely asked to leave the premises.
VAR to teh RESCUE!!!!
Nervous Hippo is nervous. – Other H., Apex, NC
You must be listening to the Wrexham game, too
Take a chill pill! That will count.
yeah, that were lovely. NO CLUE what the linesman was looking at??
Haaland 2 Brighton 0 Hove 0 Albion 0
Hulk SMASH
Brighton has done their job. Now Hove and Albion need to chip in for the 3 points.
In honoUr of the Prem’s rainbow laces campaign!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mItGNNPclvE
Christ, what an assist by Ederson.
A skill-testing question for the clubhouse — what colour are Brighton’s uniform’s here today?
I’m coloUR blind, but they look like bloody shit.
MARK DAVIS: [quietly schemes as to how to get Mr. Ayo hired as a referee for Raiders games]
Fuschia like the fields in Afghanistan.
Huzzah! I’ve figured it out! It’s the colour of that one river near the Norilsk Nickel Mines!
I am surprised there is a single living organism near that river, or can trees not get cancer?
Looks like a place the Space Marines would get their drinking water from.
Seriously, I view EVERYTHING in the Space Marine context now. Glad it’s not just me.
WE CAN HAS SHOT ON TARGET WOO
now an ACTUAL SOCCER POINT wut sorcery is this????????
I am awake. My sister in law’s kitten is climbing the blinds, and knocked everything off the bathroom counter. Cancer cat barfed on the floor next to the bed, and the dog has jumped up and down about 30 times. Ugh.
shouldn’t the dog at least take care of the cat vomit for ya??
The Dr. Mrs. objects to that vociferously, but I don’t see why I shouldn’t permit it – the dog is happy to do it and it makes the cleanup SO much easier.
It’s one of the few, true win-wins in life
Does she prefer to vacuum it up? I assume you have a spot cleaning vacuum.
We do not, actually. Her method of cleaning these sorts of things up is to tell me to do it.
/not really; our split on cat-vomit cleanups is fairly close to 50/50.
Well now you have a Christmas gift idea, the Bissel spot vacuum is really wonderful.
Just line them all up and threaten to introduce a predator into the environment if they do not behave. I am sure that will work.
I had no idea Gumby girl was friends with Darren Sharper.
I was thinking about a cougar. I do know a few…
I say, while I don’t normally condone stealing from the rich to give to the poor, I suppose I can allow it when the aristocracy is Liverpool. Well done, sirs!
Robins Hood, back into our hearts!
Hate to jinx this, but boy we got something cooking here. Hippo can haz early morning happy?!
Hearts and Celtic 3-3~!
Well shit, I jinxed it.
Did the German Elton John have to sit this one out due to his performative red card last weekend?
No, he was out there dying 1000 deaths. You’d have LOVED it. All gritted teeth and hands a-flappin’.
I did hear him mumble through the post-match interview, of course they were “perfectly prepared” and have such a “limited squad” to work with.
Snowed here last night. I just got a new smoker and I was going to give it a test run today on some ribs. Well at least Momma Cola got it a warmth blankie for the exterior. I can run it in the garage as it is electric not propane or charcoal. (I would burn down the neighboUrhood you see)
I thought “snow” was something the Disney corporation made up so they could market Frozen.
Litrepug loves it. We have a good 7 inches of the white stuff so far.
That’s the stuff of dreams!
– D. Favre
“Eh, I’ve seen more”
-Michael Irvin
“I can run it in the garage as it is electric not propane or charcoal. (I would burn down the neighboUrhood you see)”
That, and not killing your family with carbon monoxide. Supposedly, it can vent into the house even if you have the garage door open.
Racism is YUGE here in the Crazy House. Both sides. It’s pretty depressing and repugnant. But there’s also lots of guys here who want no part of that crap. Which is a relief. Gonna be a looong weekend….
Tell ’em Crazy See No ColoUr, I am sure that will go over just dandy
Good on you stickin it out Fronk. It is for the best for you and the fam. Maybe write notes in there and put together a book?
I’m starting the outline today. Also going to start snapping pics around the hospital. Might not make a book, but hopefully can create some kontent with it.
We’d be honored to publish it, should you choose to share it with us.
DAMN SKIPPY. Fronk, in all seriousness, your attitude towards self-improvement and family is equal parts brave and commendable.
OF COURSE when I can’t watch any footy until 10:00, my asshole brain gets me up before 7:00.
/and Balls’ clever machinations to get me to touch a doll’s butthole…failed. NICE TRY tho
So you just did the regular touching on the doll? That’ll teach Balls.
Stuck inside on a rainy day doin nerd stuff. Thinking nerd thoughts.
Jerkin’ it to nerd porn?
(not projecting AT ALL)
Better than the Two Robbies. To the action! I picked a Draw for Toffees/Eagles & Over 2.5 for the other 3 matches. Not great odds. Just trying to gather a few skinoots to piss away on NFL Sunday. Best of luck to all you GAMBLOR! enthusiasts.
If you knew our real names you would pretty close to bang on with the two Robbies comment.
Isn’t everyone’s first name Robbie?
Now that you are in the back room you know that we are way over our quota of a certain given name.
No Homer’s
Only one
Funny, I hang out for teh futbol at my pub with 3 other guys with the same name.
There is me Fulham X, with the other 3 being Niceguy X, Creepy X, and Spurs X.
Like all the Mikes that Todd knows!
There were 4 others that have the same first name as me at work. We’re down to 3 with the same first na e now with one being the CEO. Fun when people think I’m the CEO on calls. Lol
Also, internally at work, I no longer get called by my first name, only my last name