Hola, beautiful gente. Your regularly scheduled pachyderm is doing kingly stuff so excuse me while I hijack this spot to talk about an infuriating, kooky, and pretty freakin’ absorbing Mundial. But first, our respects and a word for the dead. Category obe, countries that only scored one goal:

Yeah, the “respects part” was empty smarmin’-ship, because these teams need derision.

Wales, go fly a kite. The prize for having survived the European qualifiers was traveling to the Middle East to play cowering fútbol against the US and (AND!) be overmatched by Irán and Wales’s colonial overlord. Listen, Cymru: the least you could have done is take those English boys on a stroll through Elbow Meadows. One goal in three games is shambolic. And the lone goal being on a penalty is “Never show your face again” bad. Feh. Even Cutter’s lone goal was in open play.

Speaking of: the host nation this time around was easily the worst team in the tourney. May Q miss every other World Cup.

Denmark and Tunisia are also in the one nut club, but The Belge was the most fraudulent of Livestrongs. The Luftswaffle was a plodding, ornery operation, a terrible watch for everyone, except cringe and goaltending enthusiasts.

Canada 0 : 1 Belgium was downright unjust. Canadá looked athletic, aggressive and much better organized than Broom & Co. A most deflating result. Then CAN put out bulletin board material against Croatia and Operation Medak Pocket II ensued. It was too much, although there is a reasonable quibble: hey Borjan, where’s sweatpants? Truth bomb: there has not been a single hydration break for the Desert Cup, so why break tradition, B? You should have kept dressing for goalkeeping like you were remote working.

It’s been a bad Mundial for Spanish speakers [spits on floor, regrets / cleans it]. Ecuador was gangbusters against Q and The Neds, but Senegal were fierce. Which was good to see. Senegal putting out two dull finals won on PKs against Egypt while playing with Sané and winning on PKs and lasers was their last sighting. It’s great to see ruthlessness by the Lions of Teranga.

Back to nosotros, Costa Rica’s defense on goal got on the level of its national defense: inexistent: 11 goals conceded, no standing army. Keylor Navas is the closest thing the Ticos will have to a five-star general.

México was dreadful until a decent showing at the last game. That was obvious to everyone but Telemundo, who pinned all of El Tri’s troubles on the unforgivable Argentine-ness of coach Gerardo Martino. Two days after México was eliminated, Telemundo wags were still whinging about Martino crushing México’s birthright to be in every second round of World Cups. Although, to be fair:

1. México’s defeat of Germany at Russia 2018 is a life highlight for most Latin American fans; and,
2. AND
3. An alien invasion to plunder the Earth’s tungsten and cocoa reserves would still be preempted in Telemundo for the latest on Chicharito’s left eyebrow strain and what this means for El Tri’s Gold Cup hopes.

Then there’s Uruguay.

ME CAGO EN LA HOSTIAAAAAAAAA

/facepalms, whimpers a little

//remembers this loss does not involve family, a favorite food, or Puerto Rico

Uruguay got jobbed. There is ample video evidence. Make no mistake.

URU defeated Ghana 2-0 yesterday and still were eliminated on goal difference because South Korea beat Portugal after minute 90’. This is how it was: Portugal beat URU 2-0, the second coming on a doubtful at best penno. Seemingly, a VAR room at Cutter expects you to crush your tailbone through falling squarely on your ass, instead of breaking the fall with your hand. Gimme a fucking break.

So Uruguay entered the Ghana game at -2 in goal difference. Game starts and Ghana is awarded a specious penalty—but Sergio Rochet saves it! And Uruguay takes a 2-0 lead by halftime, thanks to two goals by Giorgian De Arrascaeta, whom DFO covered ably. During the match, URU’s Darwin Núñez and Edinson Cavani were each fouled in the box—no penalty on either! The ref, the GERMAN ref, said “Neh” and VAR

Germany is out after groups, for the second Mundial in a row. Which I like. Countries being chalk at fútbol speaks badly of the game and of tactics. And it also is a spit in the English sad-sacky cliché “Football is a game when two teams kick a ball around for 90 minutes and in the end the Germans win”. Boo hoo x2. Psht, yeah.

The Tchermans started in Qatar posing for their team pick with their hands in their mouth, protest style. Japan dispatched GER 2-1, as efficiently as the Blue Samurai fans leave their section of the stadium. This should be common civility but heh, you know… Ok.

Well, anyway, Die Mannschaft is back on The Fatherland. The Netflix version of this would be co-titled “Mission Accomplished”. Germany wanted no part of this World Cup, got agitprop-y at Cutter (until they realized Q is overtly autocratic AND sovereign), and continued their appearance at the Mundial for the good of the game. Germans pubs had loudly boycotted all Word Cup matches on account of Cutter’s infamous human rights record and other nefariousness. Now their principled stand is validated. Good for you, Tchermans!

The Netflix documentary version would spend two episodes on that and the next three on the 15-year deal for the supply of natural gas Germany and Q signed a coupla days ago. All I’m saying is that the 2022 German World Cup Campaign was a victory for virtue-signallers everywhere. Claim it as yours–live it, love it, hug it.

The Middle East is out of the World Cup. Irán was a complicated situation. Protests and repression at Islamic Persia, the weight of playing in your region, making a political statement–sing the anthem, not sing the anthem… I liked what the coach and players showed, solidarity and decisions for matches being based on fútbol, not politics. Sticking it to extremist despots is always nice.

Cutter, again, was the quintessential rich kid given the chance to compete after donating Yale an international airport. But Saudi Arabia provided plenty of pop by defeating Argentina 2-1 through a high offside line, a 15-minute span of Berserker Ball early in the second half, and Argentina panic. I cannot remember a bigger upset in sports, not even in the “Money vs. ______” bracket. A national holiday was declared in Saudi Arabia, while in Argentina the country underwent an anxious three days of humility.

As to the living: half of the 16 countries left are European, and every continent is represented for the first time. And didja catch the female referees or the all-female referee crew? The first time that happened was in the Middle East. Say what you will about FIFA, but where they really excel are at momentary symbolic gestures.

Matches. Elimination matches!

All times Central

U.S.A. v. the Hollands – 9 AM

I’m on record that the Great Satan = great watch. The U. S. and A team is quick, edgy and do everything marvelously. Right until it’s time to shoot towards goal. The Young Drones have scored two goals and have only conceded on a manbun on manbun penalty against Wales. The Desert Shield kept a clean sheet against Englen, top scorer in the Mundial with nine goals (tied with Spain).

The Neds are solid. Cody Gakpo has three goals and aims to shoot a dart through the Star Wars Program. But were easily bottled by Ecuador. I don’t think they’re that good. One more note: Daley Blind used to be a shithouser, but has appreciably mellowed into a douche. Coach Louis Van Gaal is a wizard, truly.

Predicción: the USMNT prevails in a tWBS, 1-0, and the not-objectionable rise of the Eagles of Langley continues.

Argentina v. Australia – 1 PM

I dunno. Argentina 3-1. Gotta buy bread. Hasta pronto.

Banner via @ArteYAnarquia