Hello there fellow DFO’er.  Hope you’re well today.  And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain.  There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.

This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
Time heals all wounds [in bed]
Rose Kennedy

As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.

Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.

Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.

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I don’t understand the traffic jam outside of the Charmin Bears bathroom: can’t they just shit in the woods?
Horatio Cornblower

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That attempted pass back to the keeper was the most obscene thing I’ve seen come out of Japan since…well…um…anyways, it was pretty obscene.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Cleveland’s OL chooses not to block for Watson for moral and strategic reasons [for what to fix from the Mock draft from week 13].
Redshirt

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Good god, Brazil.
Horatio Cornblower

They woke up filthy today.
SonOfSpam

They slept in the same boxcar as Jim Tomsula?
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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New Orleans has outplayed Tampa all night, and absolutely deserves to lose.
Col. Duke LaCross

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Saints are going to blow this, aren’t they?
Dunstan

No, Brady will heroically lead the team to a game-winning touchdown, definitely not aided by questionable penalties.
SonOfSpam

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Confession time: I haven’t watched a second of this game.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I don’t think the Bucs receivers have either.
Dunstan

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I can’t help it, I love Eli, and I love the way he leans into the caricatures of him.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If he asks Olivia for a juice box on air, we’ll know Eli lurks here. Of course, 5Chan already knows all of this.
WCS

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So sorry to hear we’re not gonna get a bunch of Nike commercials for the Kyrie 8 sneaker release — maybe Elon can leak the one where Irving jumps over a basketball hoop and right off the edge of our flat earth, while Ye, wearing a Nets Jersey with a Mars Blackmon hat and glasses, leans over the abyss and shouts “Money, it’s gotta be the Jews!”
Downfield Matriculator

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There is absolutely no way Team MRSA misses the playoffs, so I just hope they go in at 7-10 and face the pissed off, 13-4 Cowpersons.
King Hippo

They’ll win their home game thanks to 52 roughing the passer calls.
SonOfSpam

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Mrs. Scotchy has been sick as a bunny rabbit in a cosmetic lab for five days now and is currently upset with me because I haven’t shown affection/cuddled with her recently. I mean, outside of offering to do her doggy-style, what are my options here?
scotchnaut

full body condom

Gatoraids

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“Fat Actress” was pretty funny.
https://www.tmz.com/2022/12/05/kirstie-alley-dead-at-71-after-private-battle-with-cancer/
Col. Duke LaCross

Was actually thinking Rod and Todd had a shot at this one.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not sure what comedian said it way long time ago and not sure whether he was talking about Facebook or Twitter but he said something along the lines of, “Imagine the dumbest person you know being given a press conference, that’s what social media is.”
scotchnaut

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England holding onto Gibraltar is really screwing up my Morocco-Spain jokes.
Horatio Cornblower

Just give it a little Moor effort.
SonOfSpam

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Redshirt

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WOOO RAMS SIGNED BAKER MAYFIELD

ROAD TO SUPER BOWL BEGINS NOW!!!
SonOfSpam

Matt Stafford: The team got me my own Baker!? Yes!
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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I didn’t realize there was such a huge difference between these teams. I thought this would be close.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The big difference seems to be that Portugal shoots accurately, while the Swiss miss.
SonOfSpam

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It feels like we’re going to see an entire 240 minutes of fútbol today without seeing a single goal.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

See? I made that goal happening by predicting it wouldn’t. For my next trick I predict that I’m NOT going to encounter Rosa Salazar while hiking and she DOESN’T invite herself over to my place to watch Netflix.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

RS: “This movie’s great, Rikki, but it’s so hard to ‘chill’ with that increasingly loud buzzing sound. What is that anyway?”

RTD: “Oh dear God”
Horatio Cornblower

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Sens are losing to the Kings 5-1 on Aboriginal Appreciation Night. Do I have the courage to make a joke about the First Nations cursing the Senators? No, I do not.
scotchnaut

First Nations spirits are rooting for the Kings because of our craft beer scene.
SonOfSpam

First Nation spirits is how we got all this land” – Hudson’s Bay Company
litre_cola

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Welp, I almost nuked my computer by trying to install pirated software instead of coughing up money for a proper license. What am I doing now? Trying out a different version of the pirated software!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Huh? Well what difference does it make what kind of jeans I’m wearing?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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That is a great tribute to Grandpa Weaselo, but this was the part that caught my attention:

my grandmother, a mechanical engineer, went on to have a successful career of her own, working on things such as the lunar module.

A woman engineer in the 1950s, getting that level of success. Wow.
Dunstan

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Hate to sound like a total homer, but this feels like the first GM/Coach combination that I can remember that seem to have something resembling a plan. I always figured this season would be pain, but it was always gonna be a “see what we’ve got” while stripping it to the studs. Next year there’s a whole compliment of draft picks, and (as long as he survives this season) a luxury to trade down the #2 for more picks. Plus what may end up being an NFL record in cap-space next year.

A couple guys, Teven Jenkins at RG, Braxton Jones at LT, Brisker at FS, Gordon at CB, UDFA in Sanborn at Will LB, and Fields have been major positives, and seem like the kind of guys that get you a decent foundation since their play has been pretty good despite the circumstances. They just need to learn how to finish. I just wish they’d have found a way to keep Roquan, but it seemed like he had a foot out the door from the start of the season. So at least they got something for him.

I know, not very funny. But christ, for the first time since 1988, it feels like there’s a plan and some hope.
Col. Duke LaCross

Hey, the more insight the better. I’d welcome an actual substantive assessment of the Bears post if it means I don’t have to write it!
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Well this seems bad for The Shield https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/35205965/snyder-permitted-participated-washington-commanders-toxic-culture-nfl-aided-cover-up
Sharkbait

/Goodell makes dismissive wanking motion
//DeShaun Watson inches forward
///Bob Kraft does the same but can’t cover the same distance
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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(One Hour Ago)

Me: “Stupid buffering! To hell with it, this one’s over.”

(turns off TV)
Redshirt

And if I remember the old Magnavox, it’s gonna take like 3 minutes to warm up again.
SonOfSpam

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Long term, this [Rams beating the Raiders] fucks sooooo many drafts in April.

HAIL CHAOS
WCS

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Saw a faded sign
by the side of the road
that said “Eighteen miles to the…”

BugEyedBoo

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Akers just aked that one up, like a furball.
Gumbygirl

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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After reading about Lil Danny Shitbag and Roger’s coverup of his wanton fuckery it became even more apparent that Roger Goodell:

-Covers up the lawbreaking and unethical behavior of his billionaire masters
-Does anything and everything so they can increase their ridiculously large fortunes
-Screws over the people that actually do the work in order to better serve his masters and their rapacious greed.
-Distracts and deflects from their morally bankrupt dealings and statements
-Has sacrificed his soul to eat the scraps of money, prestige and power that they deign to brush off of their table.

So in summation, Rog is the personification of the republiCON party. No wonder I hate his black guts so much.

/Rant over
BeefReeferLives

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ONE MILLION COMMENTS!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Who is the lucky winner of the now very-used fleshlight?
WCS

The winner was the very first one that used it. There are no other winners.
scotchnaut

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Either King Hippo or The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem have the 1 millionth comment on DFO. It came at the 6:42 pm mark.

Well done, everyone!
ballsofsteelandfury

And, upon further ANALysis, it’s actually The Right Rev!
ballsofsteelandfury

It was:

“And the mobbed-up horse he rode in on”

Appropriate.
ballsofsteelandfury

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You’re calling this guy a hack?

herodotus450

And the mobbed-up horse he rode in on
[the 1,000,000th comment, in context]
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

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Croatia-Brazil analysis pic.twitter.com/SrUH0siIM8

— matt ufford (@mattufford) December 9, 2022

Horatio Cornblower

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This

2Pack

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This Argentine team is so likable that I sincerely hope they get to star in a documentary.

Preferably called “Alive 2”
Horatio Cornblower

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I’m not saying you all aren’t hustling enough to get to two million comments, but I’m not not saying we should see a little more hustle.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Christmas food challenges? Try making a meal with all the banned foods from the bible, then gloat after dinner that all your guests are going to hell but not you since you only salt or whatever
herodotus450

“Eating Lot’s Wife” will raise your blood pressure, but totally worth it.
SonOfSpam

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Fuck. Outside at a brewery and guess what just came on?

I’m out.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

PAH RUM PUM PUM BYEBITCH
SonOfSpam

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They’re {England] coming home*!

*Empty handed of course
Mr. Ayo

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“Kane totally Baggio’d that penalty kick.”

-Italian announcers
scotchnaut

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YES! YES! FOLLOW RONALDO AS HE CRIES HIS WAY INTO OBSCURITY! KEEP THAT CAMERA ON HIM FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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I don’t think this crowd is whistling enough.

Maybe they should hand out some vuvuzelas to add some atmosphere.
Mr. Ayo

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Oceans of Darkness Open Night Thread

Sadly, I can top this.

One Sunday morning, I awoke to my parents talking loudly outside. Thinking they were having another argument, um “discussion”, I went outside without my glasses to get them to shut up or go inside. As soon as I reach the screen doors, my mom, who just aced College Human Anatomy & Physiology (but was still rejected for the PTA program because of ageism) comes running past saying “You dad fell and broke his leg. I’m going to “…CRUTCHES?!”

I then turn and see my dad slowing dragging himself by his arms across the deck, including up a two foot tall step going “Redshirt, help get me to my car and drive me to the hospital.”

At this point, because both my parents were in shock, I took over for the family and made the decision for them.

“No, Dad. Stop! STOP! STOP! We gotta call 911!”
“No, its fine. I can…”
“Dad, you’re foot is completely moved the wrong way. We gotta call 911”
“…what do you think, Momshirt?”
“I’m calling 911.”

I was complemented by my parents for taking ownership of the situation and being the adult in the room. They asked me afterwards how I was so calm.

I told them I didn’t have glasses on so I couldn’t see how bad the foot was broken. All I saw was a blur. I didn’t see what the doctor said was two complete fractures and a dislocated foot. I don’t remember exactly the name, but they said one of the bones in the foot is the strongest in the body and it snapped like a twig.

I asked them what happened and he said he fell off a stepladder trying to hang something, he was only on the 2nd or 3rd rung and the ladder slipped out from under him. I asked them why they didn’t wake me up and they said, “We didn’t want to bother you.”

They bothered me with trivial stuff like taking out the trash or finding the remote but keeping dad from nearly losing his foot isn’t on the list, I guess.
Redshirt

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In the “People believe too much shit they see on TV” department, my wife and I come home from Saturday afternoon shopping, and my mother-in-law (lives with us now, yay!) is in tears. She can’t move her right arm above her shoulder. It looks like it might be dislocated. She doesn’t want to say she fell, but people at her age don’t want to admit to falling, for fear of ending up in a nursing home.

Anyway, my wife tells her to get dressed so she can go to the ER. M-I-L asks me, “Can you just pop it back into place?” Fuck no, I can’t just pop your arm back into place! It might have worked for some guy on TV, but I ain’t yanking on your arm when there’s an ER down the street.
BugEyedBoo

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THESE DETROIT LIONS, I CALL THEM AN ALABAMA FAMILY REUNION AFTERMATH BECAUSE THEY JUST GOT DONE FUCKING COUSINS AND NOW THEY’RE GOING HOME.
LemonJello

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Wouldn’t be the first time Watson forced one of his balls into hands where they didn’t belong.
Redshirt

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My father, the new soccer fan, just asked why he couldn’t find the Argentina World Cup game.

Me: “Well, to start the game’s Wednesday.”

Freaking rookies
Horatio Cornblower

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Tee Higgins (finger): OUT
Tyler Boyd (hamstring): OUT
Remote (thrown at wall): OUT
Liquor (comfort liquid): OUT
Redshirt

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Editor
December 11, 2022 1:14 pm
Have a plate in my mouth for me 2 bottom teeth (see Canada hockey) and it fell out last night. Told the resto and no worky for me tonight! Huzzah! a day of DFO for me! Where is the wine!!!
litre_cola

“How much money did you get for your teeth?” Decilitre
litre_cola

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So many little disappointments during my birthday week (Raiders, Celtics, cracked phone screen, it’s raining, Team Galactic…). I actually just can’t wait for it to be over.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So instead of happy birthday, I wish you a rapid birthday
Doktor Zymm

[gets bitten by a raccoon]
Fuck. I think the universe misheard you.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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This week in Seattle, a very special victory in “Touch of Downs: The Sam Darnold Story”*

*An ‘I Can Read Book’**

**Offer not valid for Lea Michele
Horatio Cornblower

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litre_cola

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No, fuck the “more competitive game” goddammit. Does Fox not understand that Niners fans are happy and everybody else wants to see Tawmmy eat it hard?
Petronel

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I haven’t been paying attention, did Tirico just call somebody a “world -renowned penis?”
Gumbygirl

He said Collinsworth, but same difference.
Mr. Ayo

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So Tyreek Hill now has the Dolphins single-season reception record, but all it makes me wonder is how many yards Clayton and Duper would have gotten with Marino throwing in today’s game. Like, a million?
Dunstan

In an era where you aren’t allowed to jam WRs or really hit QBs, i think Marino probably DOES win a Superb Owl.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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The couple that I was chatting to during dinner tonight was disappointed they couldn’t watch any football today, so I was filling them in on some scores. They asked about the Buccs, and when I said they lost in a blow out they said “GOOD!”

My kinda people.
Doktor Zymm

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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.

Stay busy and safe out there.

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