TGIF! The first full week of work this year thankfully done and dusted. And my racist workplace expects me to work on Monday! But joke’s on them. I’m going to be so hungover I won’t get one thing done. You know, in honor of MLK.

Survival – Personal Edition

With work started again, that also brings back the totally effective and efficient strategy of meetings! Here’s some tips to get the most out of your meetings.

• Use these passive aggressive substitutes when talking:
  • No = That’s an interesting idea.
  • What an idiotic idea that has no change of working = That definitely has possibilities.
  • We can solve that right now = We need a follow-up meeting to explore viable solutions.
  • I can handle that = We need a follow-up meeting to explore viable solutions and stakeholders.
  • This is so fucking boring = I have another meeting I have to get to.
  • I’m really drunk = (Say nothing!)
• If, despite your best efforts, the meeting is still ongoing, here’s a few strategies to self-eject:
  • It it’s online just have internet issues. Pull the plug or turn off the wi-fi on your work computer/phone.
  • Distractions! Order food, balloons, flowers, or a stripper to the conference room address to the meeting host. When they arrive leave amid the confusion.
  • If someone asks you for some info, claim it’s back at your desk then stay there. Any follow-up questions explain you got distracted with another project while you were at your desk.
  • Have a friend or automated service call you during the meeting. If you’ve already escaped, great! If you haven’t, look at your phone with a surprised look, then mouth “Sorry” while leaving the room to answer that call.
  • Set off an alarm. Find the Test button and press it discreetly.
• Have gas? Upset stomach? Burps? Use these tactics to get away with those noises stealthily:
  • Again, online is easy. Just mute your microphone and let it fly.
  • Make another different noise at the same time. Here you can cough, yawn, or laugh.
  • Use a meeting room item to mask the noise. Squeaky chair, tearing a piece of paper, or drop a large report.
  • Call the conference room extension with your cell phone. When it starts ringing, you’re all ready.
  • Make sure to pass the blame if you tooted. Wrinkle your noise and look around in disgust.
• Fell like laughing due to the absurdity of the meeting or idiocy of whoever decided their voice needed to be heard?
  • Fake cough while laughing.
  • Attach a binder clip to a fingertip.
  • Leave for the bathroom and roar with laughter there.

And there’s some ways to deal with meetings. Follow this advice consistently and you’ll be banned from the conference room in no time!

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Survival – Species Edition

Time to put the sexy in Friday!

Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to what’s most important: Commenting and drinking!