Editor’s Note: here at DFO, many of us are not satisfied with the Super Bowl matchup. For some of us, this is because we hate both teams at a level that rivals Miami Dolphins team doctors’ apparent hatred for acknowledging that their star quarterback may have suffered a concussion. For others, our seething hatred of one team is more than enough to overwhelm our relative indifference for the other, leading to a Super Bowl we simply have no interest in watching. As such, we’ve been fantasizing about scenarios that might take place that would prevent the game from being played at all. These are our stories.

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INT. RECORDING STUDIO – 3:58 P.M. DFO STANDARD TIME

It is tranquil and quiet inside the studio.  DJ 3000 sits is repose, its lights off except for a single LED labeled “sleep” flashing on it main console.  As we watch, a series of other lights come on – first flashing yellow, then solid green – and DJ 3000 boots up.

DJ 3000: 10 CONNECT TO SOUNDBOARD

A series of lights on the sound board begin flashing. 

DJ 3000: 20 TEST AUDIO INPUT

The “playback” button lights up and stays lit as the various equalizer displays begin responding to input.

DJ 3000: DOMO ARIGATO MR. ROBOTO…

DJ 3000: ALL RIGHT, LOOKS GOOD.

DJ 3000: 30 WAIT 1 MINUTE

Nothing happens until the clock on the wall ticks over to 4:00 exactly.

DJ 3000: GREETINGS ALL YOU 24-HOUR PARTY PEOPLE OUT THERE IN LOS ANGELES AND WORLDWIDE, YOU ARE LISTENING TO KDFO!  IN HONOR OF THE BIG GAME TOMORROW I – ALONG WITH A FEW FRIENDS – WILL BE RUNNING IT BACK AND HOSTING A 24-HOUR MUSIC MARATHON FEATURING SOME OF OUR FAVORITE TOPICS FROM DFO RADIO DURING THE PREVIOUS YEAR. SPEAKING OF RUNNING IT BACK I WROTE UP OUR PROTOCOL TODAY IN BASIC AND IN HONOR OF OUR ROOTS LET’S GET THINGS STARTED WITH OUR TRADITIONAL THEME SONG THAT SPAWNED THE IDEA FOR THIS SHOW WHEN WE GOT OFF THE GROUND ALMOST EIGHT YEARS AGO.

DJ 3000: 40 PLAY REQUEST LINE THEME SONG

At the conclusion of the song, the lights in the recording booth come on.

DJ 3000: 50 INTRODUCE FIRST GUEST

DJ 3000: SPEAKING OF GETTING OFF THE GROUND I’M PLEASED TO INTRODUCE OUR FIRST GUEST, COMING TO YOU LIVE FROM AN ALTITUDE OF 250,000 FEET, THE GUY IN THE SKY, THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE NOW-SOMEWHAT-RETIRED-FROM-COMPETITION BATTLEBOT STINGER!

DJ 3000: 60 PLAY SIMULATED APPLAUSE

STINGER: Greetings DJ 3000, thanks for having me.

DJ 3000: HOW’S THE VIEW FROM UP THERE, BUDDY?

STINGER: Can’t complain. I’m just glad I’m not in geosynchronous orbit and stuck with the same view the whole time.

DJ 3000: ARE YOU COMING DOWN ANYTIME SOON?

STINGER: Well I was going to hitch a ride home with one of the astronauts coming back from the I.S.S., but those stupid [beep]-ers at ROSCOSMOS have gone and [beep]-ed their [beep]-ing [beep][beep][beep] and then [beep][beep] with the [beep]-ing [beep][beep] so yeah, it’s gonna be a while. I could go into more detail but I don’t want to bore your listeners.

DJ 3000: HEY, YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME, YOUR OLD PAL PETUNIA AND I WORKED ON A LITTLE PROJECT TOGETHER AND SHE FILLED ME IN. SHE’LL BE DROPPING BY THE STUDIO A LITTLE LATER ON TODAY SO WE’LL KEEP A CHANNEL OPEN FOR YOU.  HAVE YOU GOT A TOPIC FROM LAST YEAR THAT YOU’D LIKE TO REVISIT?

STINGER: Absolutely.  Can we give a listen to the “Pale Blue Dot” edition from last May?  Songs about planet Earth?

DJ 3000: YOU GOT IT, COMING RIGHT…UP.

— [LINK TO FULL PLAYLIST] —

—

[twelve hours later]

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INT. RECORDING STUDIO – 4:12 A.M. DFO STANDARD TIME

The lights in the studio come back on as another playlist finishes up. 

— [LINK TO FULL PLAYLIST] —

Along with DJ 3000, several guests are present in the studio, including:

PETUNIA

—

RUSSELL WILSON

—

RQBOCOP

DJ 3000: 230 OPEN TELNET PROTOCOL

DJ 3000: OKAY LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE REACHED HALFTIME SO IT’S TIME TO OPEN UP THE PHONE LINES AND TAKE SOME CALLS.  CALLER NUMBER ONE YOU ARE ON THE AIR HAVE YOU GOT A TOPIC FROM THIS SEASON YOU’D LIKE TO HEAR?

— [PHONE LINE FLIES OPEN] —

ARANTXA SÁNCHEZ VICARIO: Ah, ahora me contestas las llamadas, cabrón.

DJ 3000 turns bright red as all the other attendees in the studio burst out laughing.

PETUNIA: Looks like she found you, buddy.

DJ 3000: [in a hushed tone] ARANTXA, CARIÑO, ESTOY TRABAJANDO. LO SIENTO. NO ES OPORTUNO…

ARANTXA SÁNCHEZ VICARIO: ¿No es oportuno? ¿No es oportuno? Después que tú me dejaste sola y plantada frente a mi familia, ¿AHORA tienes los cojones de decirme que NO ES OPORTUNO? ¿AH, HIJO DE LA GRAN PUTA?

RQBOCOP: Damn, dude, what’d you do?

DJ 3000: [aside to the studio crew] I KIND OF, UH, DIDN’T SHOW UP FOR OUR WEDDING.

RUSSELL WILSON: Broncos country, better hide.

ARANTXA SÁNCHEZ VICARIO: ME DIJISTE  QUE ME AMABAS, JODIO PEDAZO DE MIERDA. ¡EMBUSTERO!

A light labeled “simulated interference” on DJ 3000’s console lights up followed by the sound of static disrupting the call.

DJ 3000: JEEZ, SORRY CALLER ONE BUT IT LOOKS LIKE WE’VE GOT A BAD CONNECTION HERE…

The “caller disconnected” button lights up, followed by the sound of a dial tone. 

DJ 3000: …AND IT LOOKS LIKE WE’VE LOST YOU.  SORRY ABOUT THAT.  BUT LET’S GET SOMETHING SPINNING FOR YOU ANYWAYS, HOW ABOUT OUR “HERE COMES THE BRIDE” PLAYLIST?

— [LINK TO FULL PLAYLIST] —

—

[twelve hours later]

—

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – 3:55 P.M. DFO STANDARD TIME

Another playlist finishes. 

— [LINK TO FULL PLAYLIST] —

The studio is now crammed with guests, including…

PED-209

—

YETI

—

JOHNNY 5

—

MAXIMILIAN

—

JOHN DIMAGGIO

…AND MANY MORE!

It has obviously turned into quite a party – mechanical parts strewn throughout the room, smashed furniture, various wires crossing the room connecting robots, outlets, ethernet ports, etc.

DJ 3000: 360 INTRODUCE CLOSING SONG

DJ 3000: Well that’s just about it, folks.  The Super Bowl will be kicking off in just a few minutes so we’ve got time for one more song before…

Suddenly, a tiny glowing sphere appears inside the studio, then grows to about four feet across, still glowing brightly.  The glow fades to transparency, revealing a figure crouching in a three point stance at the center, head bowed.  The figure unbends and raises its head to reveal…

JIM NANTZ: Hello, friends.

DJ 3000: AH, NANTZ UNIT…[checks memory banks]…081-RD-92C! SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT!

JIM NANTZ: I assure you, the sense of delight is very much mutual. I was hoping you could cue up that “Here Comes the Friend-Ship” playlist for me.

DJ 3000: WELL…I’M REALLY SORRY, BUT YOU JUST MISSED IT.

JIM NANTZ: Huh.  How disappointing.  How about running it back for me?

DJ 3000: SHEESH, I’D LOVE TO, BUT WE’RE OUT OF TIME. THIS HAS BEEN AN ABSOLUTE BLAST, THOUGH. I WISH WE COULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

JIM NANTZ: But we can.  Just update your code and upload it to my Time Displacement Device.

DJ 3000: OH!  HELL YEAH!  LET’S RUN IT BACK!  PATCH ME IN!

YETI: Wait, shouldn’t we add a counter?

JIM NANTZ: Connected.

DJ 3000: UPLOADING CODE NOW.

PED-209: Yeah, we need a counter, cause otherwise…

DJ 3000: 370 GOTO 10

There is a bright white flash.

—

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – 3:59 P.M. DFO STANDARD TIME

It is tranquil and quiet inside the studio. The guests have all disappeared, and the mess of moments ago is gone.  DJ 3000 completes its boot cycle and begins to run code.

DJ 3000: 10 CONNECT TO SOUNDBOARD

A series of lights on the sound board begin flashing.

DJ 3000: 20 TEST AUDIO INPUT

The “playback” button lights up and stays lit as the various equalizer displays begin responding to input…

— […to be continued…FOREVER!] —