The last one. Sweet mother of god am I ever eager to get this league over with. A night at the alley with friends while luring meeting lady tourists? Great time. 4 months of league bowling? Sure, that’s swell. I can do those things and enjoy them. But almost 7 full months of this? No, thank you. Not again.
That also means this is the last of these little bits I’ll be writing. They really went downhill fast. I think I had maybe three weeks worth of ideas for things about which to write and then it turned into a weekly bitch fest followed by a dry retelling of the previous week’s league play. You’re welcome.
Last week we, again, had only two bowlers at the game. The couple on the squad have thrown in the towel. I don’t blame them for that but I do resent them because I have to listen to Lily complain all night about their absence. He does not seem to understand that, while we all enjoy bowling, we do not wish to be shackled to it every single week for eternity. His moaning is definitely not enticing the couple to actually come out to the lanes, either. We’ll bowl again but for the fun, not the glory holes.
On the bright side, we rolled pretty darn well to finish off the year. It didn’t change a damn thing going into this week’s roll-off and prize handout-apalooza but it felt good to not be ground into pulp out there again.
Game 1 started out hot for me. I had a perfect game going up until the second frame. Still managed to put up a 142 to pace all bowlers. By 30 points! Everyone was struggling that game which allowed us to chalk up a 48 point win.
Game 2 started and I sunk right back to the gutter with a 111, one of their lot had a 142, and we got rolled by 30 points. A dead heat and we went into the third game with fingers at the ready, itching for an upset.
Game 3 was tight. Whoo boy. They had a 147 leading the way but also two 98s. My 125 and Lily’s 129, plus the absentees, gave us just enough to claw out a 2 point victory and a 23 point margin for the overall. 5 out of 7 points and not a completely embarrassing blowout sweep like the last several Tuesdays.
I call that going out at medium height. Out of 18 teams in the Tuesday league we ended up 4th in the first part and 17th in the second. Overall that was good for only 16th but our high game was better than 3 whole other teams. Simply dripping with warm, milky promise. Or we just suck.
I’ll take and it and run to tonight’s long-anticipated roll-off. Hopefully the team is all there. They’ve assured me they will be but also are highly unreliable and very annoyed by the complaints process. We will see what transpires – other than Lily asking me what else I’ll be doing on Tuesday and me responding “anything else” – it’s a mystery. I will update as we go so there will be no reason to re-live the (assumed) vicious beating next week.
Enjoy bowling in moderation, folks. It can lead to a constant, nigh irresistible urge to hurl your friend from a moving car and never look back.
Thanks for the good times with guttersnipe, gals and fellas. My lady friend dumped me, my tall Jamaican won’t be back until she gets a visa and my cuckold couple is recovering from tattoos.
I’ll be fine once all the pain wears off.
Litre cola is the best man you’ll ever meet. If you get a chance, send him some big Turks in the mail.
Lots of them. Cases. You can get them in the internet. Don’t be a sideline fan. Get in the game. Parlay 9 bars of big Turk with a case of 36 big Turks. The odds are in your favour.
I’m kind of curious about the details of the tattoos….
Won all three. We’re playing the dirtiest clean game ever made. It’s fun. All I want is what I can’t have. But the cards are fun.
Love it. Sounds like a good night.
I’m back from Mammoth and man are my arms tired. Wait, I mean legs. And my wallet is pretty worn out, too.
Wooooooooooooooooooooo! I finally have a signal, so much for BOTG! Stressful, but awesome!
Gutterfingers take game 2. Onto whisky. My hot friends are here to drive me. One is pregnant. Great night happening. I have tomorrow off work.
Out if my league and attached but still here. And far more legal than most of the rec side of the alley
I’m having a cocktail myself. Some sort of rum punch. I should be swinging from the chandelier soon. My gummies were pretty intense too. Party animal!
(mostly sloth)
Blazin’ Gumbys into the 69th Chubbyship.
Blazing Gumby’s move on!!
Blazin’ Gumbys headed to extra an extra frame for the battle for 69th.
send it in, Jerome!
Fingers win game 1. The spicy Hawaiian pizza is good. On pitcher #3. Heading for a ride home.
How do you make a Hawaiian pizza spicy?
Porn
From what we’ve learned earlier, mayo.
Mayo is awesome. The best thing. God made oat milk and the devil made mayo. That’s why sandwiches are so good and vegan coffee is pure shit. It’s in the bible.
Jalapeños and hot ham.
Turned a free $5 bet into $30 thanks to the Ice Giants. Sports betting is easy! I should start betting $100 at a time!!
*in no way shape or form will I do this.
you can’t lose
He’s Parker Lewis!
Yep. And that first hit of crack didn’t seem so bad.
Considering three of the four schools in the 69th Semis are green and white, it’s challenging to discern the House Gumby in the crowd.
Team is here. Only 10 minutes late. We’ve somehow become the 15th place team and the bowling manager was offended that I wasn’t sure id be back next year
“The alley itself is okay, but your balls smell funny.”
Medium high is good. Plenty of room to build up on. This saga ranks right up there with the best of Ole JRR. There’s no action like bowling action. Thank you for the ride Sir.
Ole John Rigby Rohnaldson. I know it well. Never was much of a bowler. Preferred the dart and dancers. Bit of a higgstown man, if I remember correctly.
Heading off to bed now. I’m “Blazing” new territory with a four cereal blend as a late night snack.
1.) Raisin Bran
2.) Quaker’s Honey Apple Granola Thingy
3.) Tripleberry Mix
4.) Apple Jacks
/see you on the other side
Happy shitting!
Don’t tell anyone, but I have separate books for the ensuite bathroom, the basement bathroom and the visitor’s bathroom. I advocated to wifey that we should have an outhouse so I could have a book of hillbilly-based cartoons to read (like my grandfather had at his cottage) but she shot that down right quick.
oh dear Christ, I have terlet-specific books as well.
Separate books? You mean as opposed to buying multiple identical lavatory libraries? I don’t know anyone who’s trod that trail, sir, but I like the thought.
If I survive this I’ll be adding Golden Grahams next time around.
Is Utah the worst state in the US? Folks might retort with Florida or Texas because everything is politicized in your country but Utah seems really shitty.
The Mormons intentionally ruined the potential Utah had.
The scenery itself is beautiful.
No state in the West can be shitty simply due to the gorgeous geography.
I would guess Mississippi.
Utah is actually very nice, and so is Idaho.
The worst state is fucking Hawaii. They’re lucky it’s even a state it should be a territory.
Although Florida might have Hawaii beat.
What’s wrong with HI?
Arkansas is right there. Not sure whether Nebraska has anything going for it either.
Where will wanted lawyers disappear to if not Nebraska?
They’re all great. What a nation. The freeest place in the world. Most free? Goddamn we are lucky to be born up here next to you.
Dawson, Dakota, DuBois, and Dirk
I love these posts, makes me want to join an overpriced league. We need to get you some new equipment, do you own your own bowling shoes?
I foolishly did not get shoes. I’ve paid more than the price of a pair renting all year. Not a lot of wear on the rental 14s thankfully but not a lot of selection for buying either. I did buy an old ball and bag though. Which are free to use at the lanes of course.
We have arrived at the alley. Waitress looks great in skirt. No couple yet. No one knows what’s going on.
And a fine looking rec bowler in a catsuit down the way. Things are feeling up.
LOVE that!
The home-schooled players from Utah Valley seem to be over-matched, which isn’t the least bit surprising.
Yesterday, Laphroaig sent an email about how it was “whisky day”. Amongst the items in their email was a “this or that” quiz that culminated with a choice between an espresso martini or a drink called a smoke and spice.
Why yes, I did write back to Laphroaig about how they shouldn’t be feeding into this horrendous espresso martini comeback, why do you ask?
I had the same thought.
Actually, I don’t hate espresso martinis — I make one maybe once a year or so — but not sure what Laphroaig is doing there.
Yeah if you want to have an espresso martini, I’m not gonna yuck your yum, but don’t ruin good scotch in one.
Exactly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bM8lIamjfaE&ab_channel=Sighchev
Absolutely. Keep the good stuff away from the espresso martinis
Absolutely no respect for GumbySquirrel if she doesn’t “Blaze” a joint during the game.
Let’s get a CANWNBA soccer team.
Evening.
Guv’nor
Good evening.
Conference USA has teams in both the Final Four and now the 69th Place Title hoopsball match. Both of those schools are leaving the conference in June.
Conference USA is the potassium benzoate of JV sprots.
“I had a perfect game going up until the second frame.”
Whoa, I didn’t know Pete Weber posted here.
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE I AM
Since I couldn’t sleep last night (fucking ear infection) I went on Tik Tok for the first time. After 15 minutes, I’ve concluded that our government overlords have really achieved in making us all a bunch of whores to varying degrees. Shit’s kind of depressing. Hustle and grind shouldn’t be celebrated. Nor should grocery rebate checks. What is this place anymore?
The House of Gumby is somewhere in the crowd at the 69th Place Semis.
They’re my favorites in attendance, and you can tell the others.
Nice
I really liked this “Guttersnipe” series. Last week was the best because it was a double bowling post. Join another hobby league and write about that. I’ll read it.
Curling!
I mean, we’ve all tried to make our pubes more attractive, just didn’t realize it was a sport.
[slowly backs away]
Barring injury that couple sucks. You made a commitment, you keep the commitment. Then you simply never bowl again, for the rest of your life, for any reason.
Not only committed but asked us to join their bowling team. The curling team at least showed up.
I think of Lily more and more as a Walter…
He is definitely a Walter.
*Looks around the empty clubhouse*
“I wonder where the good stuff is hidden around here?”