“The Jets do not play football. Football just sort of happens to them.” -Jon Bois

It’s one of the great ironies that the team responsible for arguably the most influential game in NFL history has followed it up by being among the class of the NFL—wait, sorry, there was a smudge—among the ass of the NFL since then. Some have wondered how that game even happened. After all, that Colts team was considered the best of all-time at the time and were 19 1/2 point favorites, and the Jets, on the back of their quarterback guaranteeing victory, managed to win the game 16-7 for the AFL’s first Super Bowl victory and an air of legitimacy between the two leagues soon to merge, a victory that that quarterback, Joe Namath, used as a springboard to Canton and patron sainthood.

So, the question is: Did he sell his soul? Well, first off, Broadway Joe’s had an okay life, so maybe it wasn’t his soul. Is it possible that the Curse of Sonny Werblin is real? I mean, it would be a weird one. “Okay, so the first year you’ll win the Super Bowl, but nothing after that!” I mean, it’s possible, because as that ownership group became more and more controlled by Leon Hess there was a whole lotta nothing. His dying wish, to see the Jets again reach the Super Bowl, flamed out in that 1998 season, which would prove to be his last, where the Jets did win their first division title since the ’60s but lost to Elway and co.. The next year they were among the favorites… until Vinny Testaverde got hurt and was lost for the year. So, figure, in comes the backup? Well, Rick Mirer also got hurt and was lost for the game (but not the season). So in comes the third-string quarterback (so, you know, boned)… punter Tom Tupa!

How the Jets finished 8-8 that year should be a miracle.

(For what it’s worth, my house of the dead contacts have told me that it’s not their jurisdiction. It was just that one soul contract, and she was already dead and was to come back to life if that poor boy didn’t look behind him at the last second, but they were reunited eventually! Yes, in death, that’s how it works. Oh yeah, and Persephone was really cut up about it, but hey, it was totally fair.)

They did win a division title after that in the Herm Edwards years. They finished 9-7 and won via three-way tiebreaker with the P*ts and Dolphins. That was 2002, the first season of 32 teams and eight divisions. It’s been 21 years since then, though that postseason did give us the 41-0 game. That was pretty nice.

All this to say that for the first time since 2012 coming off back-to-back AFC Championship appearance, the New York Jets have expectations. Hell, for the first time since 1999, some people would say Super Bowl expectations, at least in-house. After all, after long last, they have one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play football making a half-victory lap, half-one last push for glory in Aaron Rodgers, fresh from his qave watqh darkness retreat old home in Green Bay.

Wait a second.

Yeah, wait, what about the time (alleged, for legal reasons) dick picker and Mississippi scammer BRITTFAR played for the Jets? That went well! Almost. Well, that’s an interesting concept to run back, but hey, it beats Zach Wilson!

Yeah, so that’s the big thing. The Jets’ highly-touted defense and reigning rookies, plural, of the year (Garrett Wilson and Sauce Gardner) get Aaron Rodgers, and with it, a gaggle of new backs and receivers, like Allen Lazard & Randall Cobb, and a brand-spanking new Dalvin Cook to go with a hopefully okay Breece Hall. With that, an offense that did approximately fuck-all last year hopes to, you know, not do that. Figure that’ll also keep the defense happy, having to do less work and not having to score more points on defense than the other team’s offense has to do. Or special teams, as we saw in that memorable game against the P*ts that potentially set football back 60 years. Braden Mann was let go to squabble with Gray, Blutarch and Redmond, replaced with Thomas Morstead. Listen the Butt Fumble was over ten years ago, gotta pick up the Butt Punter. Well, at least for him it worked.

So, how do the Hard Knocks Jets set up for this year? Better on paper than last. So of course, in typical Jets fashion, leave it to the AFC to be the Thunderdome, with the entire AFC East, Bengals, Ravens, Stillers (whether Pickett is any good or not), Chargers, and probably improved Broncos to contend with just to make the AFC Championship to inevitably take on the Chiefs at Arrowhead. Add that the schedule involves the NFC East (it’s two true home games plus “at” the Giants) and AFC West. The 17th game is the Falcons and that’s at home, so that’s not too bad.

And the pre-bye schedule’s a killer.
vs. BUF (MNF/September 11th game, which, come on, how is it not against the Giants?)
@ DAL
vs. NE
vs. KC (big that it’s home, but still) (it’s also SNF)
@ DEN
vs. PHI

The bye’s Week 7, which is I guess earlier that preferred, though there’s a lot of time at home, since:

“@” NYG
vs. LAC (MNF)

That’s four weeks without having to go to—ugh—Newark Liberty Airport.

@ LV (SNF… I don’t know when flexing starts)
@ BUF
vs. MIA (Friday night/Christmas Eve)
vs. ATL
vs. HOU
@ MIA
vs. WAS
@ CLE (TNF)
@ NE

I can see 1-5 into the bye, I can see 3-3. I can see 8-9/7-10, or I can see 12-5 and resting with a division title in New England. I can also see everything to play for (division and playoff spot) and shitting the bed in Foxboro.

Actually, I’m gonna say that’s what happens. 10-7, no playoffs, lose to the P*ts and miss out via tiebreakers. First rounder still goes to the Packers and nothing to show for it other than one more diminished crack at an apple. Why? Because it’s the Jets and that would be the Promethean ending. Also it could mean, depending on the Giants, that the only New York metropolitan team to win a playoff round in their 2023 season is… the Knicks.

Prove me the fuck wrong, but I’ve seen this story unfold too many times. You don’t have the liberty of meaningful September and October baseball to hide behind you like every other year. Spotlight’s on you, not the Broadway shows you all went to see in the offseason. No darkness to retreat to in the city of bright lights. Don’t just say it’s right in front of you, fucking do it.