‘Twas the night before football,
And all through the site…
I’m gonna not start that, or else I’m gonna spend my work hours trying to craft a poem instead of *checks notes* string quartet transcriptions while on-call for tutoring. But the rosters are locked in, and tomorrow’s the Chiefs and the Lions. Let’s check some news:
-LB Carl Nassib retires. Nassib is of course known for being the first openly gay player in the NFL, and reported that the NFL has reached out regarding a to-be-determined role.
-WR Jamison Crowder is back in Washington, signed to the Commies’ practice squad.
-From last night: Former Bills WR Mike Williams has passed away from a construction accident. He was 36.
-UPDATE: He has since been upgraded to “alive.”
Sportsball stuff:
U.S. Open quarterfinal action (7:00, ESPN)
Yeah, everything else is local listings that nobody’s telling me. I don’t think we care about a JV GOLF miniseries on ESPN2.
And I leave us with questions about all the teams:
Qardinals: Can they run the table and be the first 0-17 team?
Falcons: How do they feel about not being the 3rd or 28th team on the list?
Ratbirds: Can LAMAR! stay healthy?
Bills: Now that there may be an AFC East dogfight, can they rise above and finally get through unfound territory?
Black Panthers: Is Bryce Young any good?
Chi****: They seriously put Peterman as the backup?
Cincinnati: Joe Burrow’s okay, right?
#ThePauls: Why is Deshaun Watson?
N-GCP: How much will they miss Zeke(‘s corpse)?
Donks: Can Russ overcome his Patrick Star roasting?
Fuck Lions: Can they not start like ass and parlay that into a, dun dun dun, playoff appearance?
Packers: Will it indeed still be Jordan Love Time?
Colts: How can Irsay continue to fuck up the Jonathan Taylor situation?
Jaguras: Can they take the AFC South and feast upon it to… well, maybe not the top seed, but sneaking up on the other three divisions?
Chefs: Is Travis Kelce okay?
That’s Rikki’s Raiders: Are they just going to run Handsome Jimmy’s “He’s a winner” and see what happens?
BOLTMEN: How do they fuck it up this year?
RAM IT: How fucked are they this year, apart from maybe the Qardinal games?
Fuck You Whale and Dolphin: Can they keep Tua alive?
Vikings: How much of last year was an aberration?
P*ts: How do they miraculously fuck over the Jets, as it tradition?
Saints: How does the Derek Carr era look?
Football Giants: How does Danny Derps not Derp?
J-E-T-E: Okay, how does this get fucked up?
Iggles: The SB loss hangover is mostly real, so what do you do for an encore?
Stillers: How do they get to 9 wins this year?
Numbers & Win4: How does the internal brace work, and will it work for Shohei?
Seahawks: Who wins in a fight, a seahawk or a seawolf?
Bucee’s: Well, now what?
TITS: When does Malik Willis take over?
Cheat Commandos, Rock Rock On: How does the post-Snyder era actually look on the field?
Cool that’s everyone. Now I gotta get ready for the tWBS memorial fantasy draft!
Hey Weaselo!
Where’s the preview for the
Texans? Oilers? Astros?
Never mind.
All the teams are accounted for.
I’m awake but have been watching old TV shows and slaving away at my tardy Bears preview.
A very Sexy Friday Bears preview, perhaps?
I leave that in your good, moisturized, furry hands, sir.
Not tardy, just hibernating,
Here’s a star of yesteryear.
Did everybody go back to school or something?
I’m still recovering from food poising from Monday. Been spending all my time in bed awaiting my next visit to the loo. Good news is I might make it if the tonight’s glass of water stays down until bedtime.
Even worse, I haven’t had any alcohol for DAYS. But worst of all, I can’t edit my previous comment.
Food poisoning, Ayo? Are you so weakened you can’t click the “like” button on my comments, that I slave over only for your enjoyment? Maybe some Achewood would help you.
I tried and apparently missed. I’ll try again.
You got it, pal.
Oh noes! Feel better, we’re all counting on you!
No man. I’m working on the balcony.
Michael McDonald is God and I won’t hear argument.
How did I miss this epic collab?
????
This was the greatest television event of 1978
Oh, 1978. I was high.
That’s even more reason that you should have seen it.
Speaking of the fantasy draft, here’s a Daimler Benz DB-605 inverted V-12 aircraft engine, introduced in 1942. It suffered engines fires due to critical shortages of nickel and chromium which weakened exhaust valves, journal bearings instead of ball bearings, poor quality lubricants, and erratic fuel quality. It was designed to run on 87 octane (same as todays “regular” automotive fuel) while Allied planes were running on 110 octane American avgas, sometimes boosted to 150 octane.
Despite this, I’m drafting it in my #6 WR spot, and I’m just going to stick with that decision.
Bold strategy, Cotton!
A buddy of mine is in Dallas for work, and sent along this gem:
https://eightbeer.com/
Whoa buddy!!
Fuck that Bud Lite drag queen shit! It’s Troy Aikman for me!
🤣😅🤪
Nicely done! I got a C- but they called it my “Legit Team”.
The name is “Mrs. Slocombe’s Pussies” dammit!!
You both might like my new name
🤦😂🤣
D+ here!
Great now I gotta deal with some knee-jerk OSHA reaction.
Just kidding. We got our own state DOSH that exists soecifically to insulate us from the corrupt federal OSHA witch hunts!
Mysterious Stranger: “I can either cure ALS for your father or fix Joe Burrow’s calf and throw in an affordable extension.”
Redshirt: “…”
Satan: “Well?”
Redshirt: “I’m thinking.”
Mom: “Redshirt!”
Dad: “Hold on, dear. This is a tough choice.”
Cincinnati: “Where are the Burrow and Higgins extensions?”
Always Be Closing (HD) Alec Baldwin – YouTube
D- on my draft WOOOOOO
Holy shit, A+ for me.
Why yes, that was an auto-draft result.
How you got 1st overall after winning is a commish problem.
I, for one, think you’re doing a bang up job.
HA I got D+
I got the D.
“D is for ‘done’, man. At least that’s what my personal assistant tells me.” – Lea Michele
“That looks like a bow without an arrow. What is that?” — also Lea Michele looking at the letter “D”
The Freezer Vodka draft went so quickly that my Defense spot wasn’t auto-drafted but is ’empty’.
TENNIS ANNOUNCER: It’s about five or six inches long.
DEANNA FAVRE: [wistfully] If only.
Dear Spam,
I know I told you I don’t draft beaters. I drafted Mixon, I am sorry baby, it’ll only happen this once. I am high and drunk.
Signed
RayLitreDon’t sweat it. Fraulein Doktor Z would probably tell you that the odds of drafting sixteen football players and not getting at least one wife beater are probably pretty small.
She did the draft from one of them places Herman Cain named.
Everyone’s a hypocrite come draft time. Please don’t beat yourself
up.
Quickest draft ever.
The one that Horatio killed?
the interface was so weird I gave up tracking anything, which only helped expedite
I had help.
DRAFTPUG
A quickie is a wonderful way to honoUr TWBS
https://www.espn.com/college-football/story/_/id/38338910/many-schools-track-spend-more-coaches-player-needs
JV murican footy is going merge with the XFL and USFL
oh man, that Patrick Star roasting was indeed epic
When you look at Marketa Vondrousova’s tattoos, you’d think that she just got released from a Russian prison, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It was a Czechoslovakian one.
QB coach Davis Webb bedside reading
#context
https://www.nfl.com/news/restoring-russell-wilson-broncos-need-28-year-old-quarterback-turned-coach-davis
Upgraded to alive? That’s almost as good as getting upgraded to business class on Polaris.
We really do need another fantasy league for guys/gals that can’t get a seat at the table.
I agree, but I am a shitty commish for the Memorial One. Who’s going to run the new one is the Q. We also could do promotion relegation if say it was an 8 person league.
The question is can you set it up so I could be commish for a league I am not in? I could be just as lazy as I am for Seamus’. I seem to be good at starting ideas (see DFOCon) it’s the fact finding I am poor at.
If this is possible I would do it for week 2. Top 2 teams of new league come up, bottom two of the Memorial League go down. Someone smarter than me figure this out and we will see if it can be done.
I can’t in yahoo.
I wanna do an inverse league. Where throwing INTS are +6 TDs are -4 , lost fumbles +10 something like that
We played in that insanity league Sill ran that was pretty awesome. Missed field goals were like -6 from inside 20.
Sounds like a lot of work, how about a FANTASY fantasy football league. I’ll take “proposing shitty trades” with my first round pick