TGIF! Remember to read the reviews before you purchase a refurbished vacuum. Sure, the Ret. Dr. RTD will audibly and quite physically dissuade you from buying used, but it turns out repairing broken Dyson vacuums is both easy and economical.

Survival – Personal Edition

Today we’re going to cover being lost in the desert. Just remember, kids, not all who wander are lost. We’re talking here about being actually not knowing where you are.

• No need to panic. You’ve obviously were smart enough to inform those that care about you of your whereabouts and expected return date. If you have a vehicle, stay with it. That’s good shelter in the desert.
• If you’re traveling by foot with no vehicle, you need to retrace your steps if possible. This will usually mean traveling down stream to civilization. This doesn’t mean walk beside the stream. You want to walk along ridges as high as possible so you can be seen.
• Where possible, get to the highest location so you can get a better look at the land around you to help you orient yourself.
• If you’re want to be rescued, use fires. During daytime make smoky fires. A literal tire fire works best here. At night, you want bright fires.
• Another way to signal for help is by using newspaper or ideally aluminum foil in a clearing weighed down by rock. These are the 4 commonly understood SOS signals:
  • Large triangle: This is the international distress symbol.
  • Large letter I: Use this to indicate an injury.
  • Large letter X: Use this to indicate you are unable to proceed or move.
  • Large letter F: Use this if you are out of food or water, but especially if you are out of both.
  • If you have a gun, fire 3 shots into the air as this is another recognized distress signal
• Oh right, the heat. Heat exhaustion is real. You must rest frequently. And when you do, find something that keeps you at least a foot above the ground. The ground temperature can be 30° hotter than the air temperature around you.
• Walking during daylight hours is the worst. But if you must, follow these instructions to make it more bearable:
  • For every hour of travel, dedicate at least 10 minutes to rest. For the rest of the hour, walk slower than normal to conserve energy.
  • Do NOT ration your water intake. Don’t be a chump that dies of dehydration with a half full canteen. Also, why didn’t you bring more water? It’s the desert, idiot.
  • No drinking alcohol, no cigs, and no talking. Alcohol will dehydrate you, and the latter two will diminish your oxygen supply.
  • Put off eating as long as possible. Remember, you can die without oxygen after 4 minutes, without water after 4 days, and without food after 4 weeks. Also, when you eat the digestion process uses water. Prioritize accordingly.
  • Use whatever shade is available. You may not notice the temperature difference, but it’s there and it helps.
  • Wear all the clothing you can, including sunglasses. The clothing traps your perspiration, and slows its evaporation, which prolongs the cooling effect.
• If you foolishly packed too little water, find some. Here are your best bets:
  • The base of rock cliffs
  • Gravel wash in mountain valleys
  • Locate a dry stream bed with a sharp bend. If the outside edge has wet sand, you’ll find water about 3 to 6 feet beneath.
  • If you see any green vegetation, they’re sitting on some water. Dig around them to find it.
  • Follow any animals or birds. They live out there and need water and are still alive, so they know where it is.
• Find any cactus fruit and flowers. You can chew the bases of these plants for water. But don’t swallow as that will make you sick.

Well that’s enough for today! By now you’re out of the desert, back in your happy place with ample access to water and alcohol and opioids and weed and your loved ones. Good job!

Click here to get to commenting

Survival – Species Edition

Time to put the sexy in Friday!

Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to the comments!