I am ready to get hurt again.

I mean it. There’s nothing this team can do to me anymore to make me feel pain.

I have seen absolutely everything go wrong for England’s national football team in increasingly more aggravating, painful, and confounding ways over these last several decades. I have no doubt in my mind they’ll find yet another way to blow a clear tournament victory once again in spectacular, humiliating fashion.

The fans will cry. They will scream. They will fight. They will drink away the pain. They will probably use tons of slurs on the internet again.

And life, somehow, will go on as it always does. It must – because if the Three Lions ever win another major tournament, it will probably mean the end of the world is truly nigh.

This is where I’ll do my best to step in to predict this squad’s inevitable demise this year.

THE ROSTER

Goalkeepers: Dean Henderson (Crystal Palace), Jordan Pickford (Everton), Aaron Ramsdale (Arsenal).

Defenders: Lewis Dunk (Brighton), Joe Gomez (Liverpool), Marc Guehi (Crystal Palace), Ezri Konsa (Aston Villa), Luke Shaw (Manchester United), John Stones (Manchester City), Kieran Trippier (Newcastle), Kyle Walker (Manchester City).

Midfielders: Trent Alexander-Arnold (Liverpool), Conor Gallagher (Chelsea), Kobbie Mainoo (Manchester United), Declan Rice (Arsenal), Adam Wharton (Crystal Palace).

Forwards: Jude Bellingham (Real Madrid), Jarrod Bowen (West Ham), Eberechi Eze (Crystal Palace), Phil Foden (Manchester City), Anthony Gordon (Newcastle), Harry Kane (Bayern Munich), Cole Palmer (Chelsea), Bukayo Saka (Arsenal), Ivan Toney (Brentford), Ollie Watkins (Aston Villa).

Taking a look at this list here, there’s a ton of veteran names back yet again for more international action – notably, longtime international vets Harry Maguire and Jack Grealish were both left off the final roster. Some comment section lurkers in the Telegraph and the Times probably have some fairly strong opinions on those omissions, but both guys were having relatively quiet seasons by their usual standards – and up against the depth that the Premier League regulars had to offer, I’m not really sure how that could’ve been decided otherwise. 19-year-old midfielder Kobbie Mainoo will play in his first major tournament for the senior team, after a strong season end for United – he’s previously played for the U17-U21 sides earlier in his young career. There’s some concern to be had that this squad’s backend doesn’t have the same defensive mettle as what we saw in some previous tournaments, but they sure are deep while attacking. Once again, Harry Kane has been a lynchpin of this squad as its captain and top striker – he’s scored eight goals and assisted on two others in qualifiers for this tourney, not to mention his Golden Boot award as Europe’s leading scorer with 36 goals for Bayern. Throw in Jude Bellingham (23 goals with Champions League-winning Real Madrid) and Phil Foden (19 goals with City and Player of the Year award in the Premier League), not to mention all the other guys up front, and that’s truly an embarrassment of goal-scoring talent.

From a tactics perspective, if I’m manager Gareth Southgate, I’m channelling my inner rage and going ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK as hard as I possibly can. This team could well press their opponents to death in the round of 32.

THE GROUP

England find themselves in Group C in what I would consider to be a relatively easy group; we’ll take a look match-by-match at their three opponents in the group stage to make some predictions.

June 16th – Serbia: It’s been 24 years since Serbia’s last appearance in the final tournament, and back at that point, the Balkan Wars were still raging and the nation they represented then was still called Yugoslavia. The Serbs enter this tournament predicted to finish third in Group C. They can score – 15 goals in eight qualifying matches – but defending is a concern (9 goals conceded). Going up against such a deep England attack, I’d be very worried if I was a Serb. I think England should handle them without much issue assuming they don’t take them lightly and do a good job of moving the ball up quickly when at midfield. If I were a Bosniak or a Croat, I would be much more concerned about the Serbs, I think.

June 20th – Denmark: The Danes are probably the second best team in this group. Back in the 2020 tourney, England just squeaked by them in the semis with a hard-fought 2-1 win to put them into the final. Despite being such a tiny country, Denmark has consistently punched above their weight class – they even won the ’92 Euros. While that 2020 semis loss and a quarterfinals loss in 2004 are the only times since ’92 the Danes have made it past the group stage, the program as a whole is certainly trending in the right direction right now. Forward Rasmus Højlund, currently playing for United, is probably the team’s best player right now, with seven goals in international play and ten in the Premier League. There’s world-class talent here, but they lack the depth that England have. Pretty much everyone does, save for the obvious heavy hitters like France, Germany, Belgium, the Netherlands, Spain, Portugal, and Italy. The Danes play a very disciplined game, and three years ago bottled up the English well. Expect to see similar dull but effective tactics for this match.

June 25th – Slovenia: As the last match on the group schedule, the Slovenes are unfortunately probably easy pickings for the Three Lions. This is the first time in 24 years they’ve appeared at the Euros, and they’ve never scored a goal in the final tourney either. For such a tiny country, it was cool to see them beat Portugal and the United States earlier this year; that said, the intensity is different once you make it to this stage. Expectations are low for the Slovenes, but it would be cool for them to get on the scoresheet, at least. Against the Serbs, they likely have a chance to make that happen. Against England, even without their defenders being at top form, I don’t like the odds. Touches will probably be few and far between.

THE LAST WORD

England have a 95% chance to advance to the round of 16, and a 20% chance to win the entire tournament – the best odds of any team there. As such, there’s absolutely zero doubt whatsoever that this team will blow it. To be a frontrunner is to be eternally cursed. The only real question now will be how that inevitable heartbreak happens. A long, weak goal in the quarters? Getting goalie’d by a tiny also-ran? PENALTY KICKS, AGAIN? Sadness takes so many forms. It just comes down to whether or not the football gods want to make the inevitable killing blow a swift and merciful one, or if they decide to take delight in fans’ suffering and protract that agony as much as possible.

For all the frustration that supporting England entails, remember that things could always be worse. You could always be stuck with two irredeemably miserable opponents in a forthcoming election that will do absolutely nothing to change governmental policy decision making or the quality of life better for citizens of the nation. Thank God nobody else on earth has to live in a place where situations like that could ever happen…

***

So all this to say, there are many other more productive things to do with your life than watch England play lesser footy. Instead, you could take up a hobby! Call a friend. Eat a big hot dog, taco, or plate of bruschetta – which are all sandwiches, by the way. Go throw a series of progressively bigger and bigger rocks into the local pond. Or watch literally anything else at all on the boob tube.

MLB:

• Atlanta vs. Baltimore, 6:35 PM EDT (Bally South, Fubo, MASN, MLB.TV)
• Washington vs. Detroit, 6:40 PM EDT (Bally Detroit, Fubo, MASN 2, MLB.TV)
• Chicago Cubs vs. Tampa Bay, 6:50 PM EDT (Bally Sun, Fubo, Marquee, MLB.TV)
• Cleveland vs. Cincinnati, 7:10 PM EDT (Bally Indiana/Great Lakes/Ohio, Fubo, MLB.TV)
• Philadelphia vs. Boston, 7:10 PM EDT (NBCS Philadelphia, NESN, TBS, Fubo, MLB.TV)
• Miami vs. NY Mets, 7:10 PM EDT (Bally Florida, SNY, Fubo, MLB.TV)
• Colorado vs. Minnesota, 7:40 PM EDT (Bally North, Fubo, MLB.TV)
• Pittsburgh vs. St. Louis, 7:45 EDT (Sportsnet Pittsburgh, Bally Indiana/Midwest, Fubo, MLB.TV)
• NY Yankees vs. Kansas City, 8:10 PM EDT (YES, Bally Midwest/Kansas City, Fubo, MLB.TV)
• Toronto vs. Milwaukee, 8:10 PM EDT (Sportsnet, Bally West/Las Vegas, Fubo, MLB.TV)
• LA Angels vs. Arizona, 9:40 PM EDT (Bally West/Las Vegas, Fubo, MLB.TV)
• Oakland vs. San Diego, 9:40 PM EDT (NBCS California, Fubo, MLB.TV)
• Chicago White Sox vs. Seattle, 9:40 PM EDT (NBCS Chicago, Root Sports, MLB Network, Fubo, MLB.TV)
• Houston vs. San Francisco, 9:45 PM EDT (NBCS Bay Area, Space City HN, MLB Network, Fubo, MLB.TV)
• Texas vs. LA Dodgers, 10:10 PM EDT (ESPN+, Spectrum Sportsnet LA, Bally New Orleans/Oklahoma/Southwest, Fubo, MLB.TV)

WNBA:

• Washington vs. Atlanta, 7:30 PM EDT (Monumental SN, Peachtree TV, Fubo)
• Minnesota vs. Las Vegas, 10:00 PM EDT (NBA TV, Bally North Extra, Bounce Las Vegas, Fubo)
• Seattle vs. Los Angeles, 10:00 PM EDT (Spectrum Sportsnet, MYTV, Fubo)

Lesser Footy, Men’s:

• USA U23 vs. Japan U23, 8:00 PM EDT (NBC Universo, Fubo)

Now let’s get to those comments, people!