2023 PREDICTION: Bad (6-11)

2023 REALITY: Worse (2-15)

Truly a testament to the power of the human will, these Panthers. “Parity” has been the battle cry of the league since the salary cap was introduced in 1994. “Offense Über Alles” has been the official NFL religion almost as long.

And yet the Panthers manage to lose. Consistently. Painfully. The Panthers have demonstrated a commitment to sucking in the face of every advantage the modern NFL can afford them. Based on sheer chance, they should have bungled into three wins against the worst division since the 2020 NFC Least. But no: they showed a dedication to the Craft of Crap seldom seen outside Cleveland.

The specifics? An offense that ranked behind the Jets (whose entire offense might as well have ruptured its Achilles on the fourth play last year) and the Giants (who got their quarterbacks sacked so much that the NFL opened an investigation into the offensive line’s betting history).

They averaged 189 passing yards per game. To put that in a historical perspective, that would put the Panthers at or below the league average-per-game every year since 1979, when defenders were permitted by rule to slit a receiver’s throat if he went over the middle.

Teething troubles are expected with a rookie quarterback. But you expect to see at least some flash, some spark, some HINT from a Number 1 Overall pick that he belongs on an NFL field. Particularly when he cost two first rounders, two second rounders and a legit WR1.

Instead, poor Bryce Young looked like there was a horrible mix-up at the Make-a-Wish Foundation; instead of meeting The Rock, he was forced to start 16 games behind an offensive line made up entirely of turnstiles

The pass defense was actually pretty good, allowing the third  fewest passing yards and fourth fewest passing TDs. Problem is that when your offense sputters out on your own 30 consistently, teams don’t need to rack up big air yards to get into scoring position. Carolina gave up a league worst 25 rushing touchdowns, despite being middle-of-the-pack on yards per rush (4.1). They also couldn’t buy a turnover, exacerbating the “dealt a bad hand, couldn’t draw any cards” issue.

Frank Reich came and went within 11 regular season games, going 1-10. His replacement, special teams coach Chris Tabor, went 1-5, including a loss to the Bears that (thanks to the Bryce Young trade) gave the Bears the Number 1 Overall pick this year.

2024 Big Damn Changes:

“Carolina Panthers Team Plane Gets Stuck In Mud After Sliding Off Taxiway Following Preseason Game”

New GM! New Coach! Same shitty roster, but worse!

As expected, Chris Tabor’s “50% Less Shitty Than Reich” sales pitch didn’t net him the permanent gig. Nor did Steve Wilks get a serious look, despite dragging the Panthers to a 6-6 record as interim coach in 2022.

Instead, they looked across their opponents in the undisputed worst division in football and said “Who among these luminaries will light the way to the future?” Then they chose Dave Canales of the Buccaneers, on the basis that he had experience (one year) working with fellow shortarse quarterback Baker Mayfield. In fairness, wringing servicable seasons out of Mayfield and Geno Smith (as QB coach in Seattle) is evidence Canales may in fact possess arcane powers from Unholy Sources.

They also jettisoned GM Scott Fitterererererer, architect of the trade that brought Young washing up on the shores of the Catawba. Allegedly, Fitterer was in favor of drafting CJ Stroud and was overruled by Insane Roman Emperor/owner David Tepper. However, Fitterer also gave up a second rounder for the corpse of Sam Darnold, so I’m not sure he gets the benefit of the doubt.

Fitterer was replaced by legendary Carolina linebacker Dan Morgan. Given that Morgan was part of Fitterer’s failed administration as assistant GM, I’m not sure this is going to be the Fresh Start Tepper and fans are looking for.

Most of the best part of the defense left when they traded Brian Burns to the Giants for relative peanuts.

Most of the offense returns, which is even worse.

Unless rookies Xavier Legette (WR) and Jonathon Brooks (RB) put on a better display than any sane person expects, it’s gonna be yet another dreary year in Carolina.

SCHEDULE CONSIDERATION

Honestly, it doesn’t matter. As discussed above, the Panthers can suck anywhere, anytime, regardless of the opposition. They could play in the corpse of the PAC-12 and still lose six conference games.

2024 PREDICTION: 3-14. Pray for Throwy Smurf- if he’s not murdered on the field, Tepper will have him publicly executed for the crime of Failing to be CJ Stroud.