Your Monday Night NFL Football Open Thread

There sure were a bunch of games yesterday, weren’t there? (look, I’ve got close to nothing) Let’s check a few things out.

Fallout:

-Going into the bye week the Giants have the second pick in next year’s draft. WOO! The only thing to be concerned about at this point is when to pull Dimes from the field. You see, he has an injury clause in his contract and if he’s not able to pass a physical next March he gets a cool 23 mil. Have you seen the way he’s been throwing himself around these days?

-It’s Not The Heat, It’s The Stupidity: There’s a new whipping Boy in Dallas and Jerry doesn’t like it one bit. The media scrums are becoming less friendly and whatever passes for “Texas Charm”, well, it’s not working anymore and the good old fella is feeling the heat. When asked about the possibility of putting the curtains up to reduce glare, Jerry’s over-the-top yet babyish response was, “Well, let’s tear the damn stadium down and build another?” Yes, that was exactly what was suggested.

-I’ve Seen This Before: Eberflus is considering replacing OC Waldron’s play-calling duties. It’s kinda smart in that it buys him some time and shields Caleb at the same time. Will it matter? Nope.

-Rearranging Deckchairs in Fishtossville: The Seahawks are not happy with their inside linebackers and have shuffled them around yet again and now have cut their leading tackler(Dodson) that they just signed this offseason. That’ll work.

To The Game!

Fins/Rams:

-La is getting back two starters from the offensive line (Jackson and Avila) that have been off for some time.

-Can Miami hold a lead at the end of a game? They’ve lost the last two weeks on last-second field goals that were precipitated by dumb penalties.

-Tua Makes a Difference: Without him in the lineup the Fins were racking up 274 yards of offense and averaging 10 points a game. With him the numbers jump to 375 and 27 points.

-What’s wrong with Weddle?: Usually very dependable as second fiddle to Tyreek he went off for 109 yards the first week of the season and hasn’t crossed the 46 yard mark since.

-With San Fran out of sorts the Rams put a three game win streak together at the perfect time. They’re doing their part in making the NFC West a muddle.

It’s you now.

 

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Beerguyrob

Does Tia lose money if he throws it away?

Horatio Cornblower

This game is terrible, I’m going to win my FF game, and I am going to go watch other shows on various streaming services.

Take that, Goodell!!

/is disappeared into a black helicopter

Beerguyrob

Bobby Brown flagged for roughing? Well, I never…

Gumbygirl

It’s his prerogative

Brick Meathook

The last Redskins game I saw was just before I moved to California. I was watching it at a great bar on Capitol Hill (the original Hawk & Dove) on a rainy Sunday late afternoon, and at halftime I drove to RFK, parked right in front of it, and just walked in.

I bet I could do that same thing at So-Fi right now.

Horatio Cornblower

Careful, you might wind up on the team.

yeah right

Mike McDaniels looks like he’s going through heroin withdrawals.

Beerguyrob

Or he’s changed hairstyles like Mike Brady.

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ballsofsteelandfury

This is why you play Hill even if he’s”questionable”.

I just need another 40 points…

ballsofsteelandfury

What the fuck IS the Dolphins coach wearing? Is he late for yoga class or something?

Brick Meathook

Mike McDaniel is the most un-coach-looking coach in the NFL.

Dunstan

Bill Belichek thinks McDaniel dresses a little sloppy.

ballsofsteelandfury

How the fuck IS everyone? I just binge-watched the entire season of The Penguin all day and I’m ready for this disaster of a game.

Horatio Cornblower

That is some dark binging. The last couple of episodes man, hooooooooooooo boy.

ballsofsteelandfury

Yeah. I should have been playing the new Cure album in the background

2Pack

Teaching a class today on range safety. Going over my gotcha questions.

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Wakezilla

All hail Shanklor!

Unsurprised

Beaux don’t know the neutral zone

Beerguyrob

I don’t want to kink shame, but I’m not sure where Kong is going with this.

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Unsurprised

The packaging just raises more questions

yeah right

Giving the dog a bone?

Unsurprised

Just remember The CPSC releases a report on every object removed from every orifice each year.

Dunstan

Yeah, but you don’t have to regard it as a checklist.

Gumbygirl

Yikes!

Doktor Zymm

Aural poking lol

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[door flies open]

[Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show appears]

Brick Meathook

Here’s a picture of a glass, real fancy-like.

I’m submitting this to the Venice Biennale and probably the Whitney too, because they really like shit like this:

https://ibb.co/WP0fbtC

Senor Weaselo

Hold up, Marshawn Lynch does SlamBall commentary?

Doktor Zymm

Graham Gano was born in Scotland, we should offer him some haggis next time he makes a FG

Brick Meathook

The guy from Violent Femmes?

Brick Meathook

Balls is the one who got this deep deep reference.

ballsofsteelandfury

I totally did!

Bogdanski

Hey, I lived in Milwaukee when they broke through, I know from Gordon Gano. I even refer to him as Gordon in my head so I’m glad to see someone else gets it

Bogdanski

Him being the kicker

blaxabbath

That first half was boring. I’m watching MST3K.

Beerguyrob

Times like these are when I miss MXC.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

And who could forget about QRZ#NPK-4. Good times.

(just kidding, everybody knows that’s not the name of a TV show, it’s the name of Space Karen’s ninth child)

Beerguyrob

If the Rams don’t win this game, Kelly Stafford is going to call Trump and have Puca Nakua deported.

Doktor Zymm

If the Bills make it to the Owl what do you wanna bet that Claypool is deported the morning of the game?

Wakezilla

And she’s going to bang Jimmy Garoppolo to get Stafford’s attention

Gumbygirl

Can’t say I’d blame her for that. Handsome Jimmy vs Fatthew? It’s not really afair contest

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

RFK Jr. is happy to act as an intermediary; he and Kelly have the same neurosurgeon.

Wakezilla

Jesus, throw the ball away, Tua.

Unsurprised

I just got a reminder that my new car is a snitch on wheels

Wakezilla

What do you mean?

Unsurprised

Vehicleprivacyreport.com

New cars report all sorts of data on the owner and driving habits

Wakezilla

Good to know. Next time I get a new car, I’ll assert my dominance over it right away

Unsurprised

You can opt out of a lot of it but I haven’t yet. Totally slipped my mind until now.

Wakezilla

That’s what Tua said

Unsurprised

“This isn’t where I parked my car.”

”iris it?”

Dunstan

I hear that Teslas send their owner’s menstrual cycle data straight to GOP Attorneys General.

Cybertrucks would, too, if any woman actually owned one.

Doktor Zymm

I was behind one in traffic the other day, dear god the build quality is awful. Looks like a teenager with a pair of tin snips built it

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

As opposed to sin tips, which are something SonOfSpam learned all about during his altar boy days.

Unsurprised

Did you get a settlement or did the diocese weasel out by declaring bankruptcy?

Doktor Zymm

Did it tell on the door for being ajar?

LemonJello

Well, what do you expect from the Trabant Informant?

Wakezilla

Why is Miami’s defense treating Fat Stafford like he’s Prime Mike Vick when he’s out of the pocket?

Gatoraids

probably not allowed to rush the qb in practice anymore

Doktor Zymm
Unsurprised

Only one of these men is still alive.

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jjfozz

Just bought my son a 3d printer, is it possible to print out bladed weapons?

Dunstan

Yes, unless he’s a Cleric.

Senor Weaselo

Then it’s a Healing Shiv.
comment image

Doktor Zymm

Black Mage!

Unsurprised

If I had any self awareness I’d have tried to change myself after people kept comparing me online to BM

Unsurprised

You can make a bladed weapon out of a toothbrush. So, yes.

Doktor Zymm

Sure, if you’re too soft to make a proper prison shiv

Unsurprised

Surely they teach that in Baltimore schools

Doktor Zymm

Even though they no longer teach you how to carve your name into someone using cursive, kids today

Unsurprised

Just Olde English

jjfozz

Dressed for success

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blaxabbath

Is Tua worrying too much about his health and not just focusing on winning?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m not sure “focusing” is really in the cards for Tua anymore.

Mr. Ayo

SUDDEN CHANGE KAKKE!

Wakezilla

THIS TUA, I CALL TINA TURNER BECAUSE BOBBY BROWN JUST HIT HIM HARD

Last edited 1 year ago by Wakezilla
Col. Duke LaCross

He wants to dance with somebody

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yeah right

After feeling like baked pigeon shit for 3 days I went to my hospital facility to get a COVID, flu and pneumonia vaccine.

I feel great. But the technician stuck one of the vaccines directly into my new tattoo, when I just took the 2nd skin off THIS MORNING.

One of those fucking shots is already sore as hell.

blaxabbath

You can only get injections on your upper ankle?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It wasn’t a lower back tattoo?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

champ stamp

Don T

Bullseye tramp stamp. Straight class.

Wakezilla

How we doing folks? Are we all ready to watch the Dolphins run the table and make the playoffs, starting tonight?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sure, why not.

Unsurprised

Nothing matters anymore.

LemonJello

There are more turnovers in SoFi tonight than Andy Reid’s pre-breakfast pastry platter!

Doktor Zymm

SUDDEN 360 CHANGES

Doktor Zymm

Holy shit Tua, DONT HEADBUTT DEFENDERS

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s an interesting sort of bluff; sure, those defenders want to win, but do they want it so badly they are willing to kill a man?

Unsurprised

You don’t make it to the NFL answering no.

blaxabbath

I like how Tua, 1/2 of a flashing red bar left on his life, went low to make the tackle after that pick.

LemonJello

It’s not like he can remember proper tackling techniques…

or much of anything, really.

blaxabbath

Fat Sackford

blaxabbath

I got my patent in. Finally.

Don T

Didja cover it in yellow sparkles? gotta make it stand out!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Blaxxabath’s patent submission (artist’s conception):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkhy7eJsMtg

blaxabbath

It’s nice to have done.

Unsurprised

And scentsd

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s awesome. May all your claims be approved.

litre_cola

Three day bender post Cavalry FC win has finished and I have caught a cold due to abusing my body. What a weekend. Deci walked out with the team, I was on the pitch holding the banner. Got to drink out of the cup with my buddy who plays for the team who also took off his warmup kit and gave it to me for Deci.

Doktor Zymm

Nice!

litre_cola

comment image

Don T

beauty

Doktor Zymm

This is one cool cat

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Mr. Ayo

Typical cat, about to scratch.

Although I could give kitty the benefit of the doubt that he’s just lining up his shot first.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They wrote a song about him!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJ2cEc_TCH8

Doktor Zymm

Advantage, aquatic mammals

Senor Weaselo

Senorita Weaselo, after all this time, is finally going to her first legit rock concert.

Which is to say I had a discount code on SeatGeek so she got Babymetal tickets for 35 bucks.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What’s the most mature-sounding metal? Polonium?

Unsurprised

Einsteinium

Doktor Zymm

Rutherfordium

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Can’t decide what’s the sexiest: Ruthenium or Lawrencium.

Col. Duke LaCross

Achane is one of the first skill guys I’ve seen in the Guardian Cap. Trying to set a good example?

Gatoraids

or more likely he’s seen more than enough of what happens if you dont

Doktor Zymm

It looks fine, don’t know why people are so reluctant. Maybe he’ll convince Tua to give it a go

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Convince who?” – Tua Tagovailoa

Mr. Ayo

Hoping for a trade to Cleveland

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sheesh, talk about prolonging it. Just use a gun, or step in front of a bus.

Unsurprised

I also wish it was 35 years ago

Dunstan

“I just wish I knew what year it was” — Tua

Gatoraids

oh Lord Mannings why hast thou foresaken us?

King Hippo

no good things for ANYBODY

Doktor Zymm

Ok so it’s not just me

Horatio Cornblower

ESPN2 showing a replay of the Tyson-Berbick fight. I’m gonna watch that before joining the game.

In other words, I’ll see you in about 4 minutes.

Brick Meathook

In my quest to find every free Veteran’s Day handout in Los Angeles County, I had lunch at an Olive Garden today. I’ve never been to an Olive Garden before.

Here’s the complimentary bread thing and ⅓ glass of water they gave me in recognition of the nearly year of my very young fucking life I spent underwater in a fucking 110°F radioactive engineroom with 119 fucking idiots, saving the fucking world and actually winning our fucking war.

May peace be unto you and God Bless us all, each and everyone, you fucking cocksuckers.

https://ibb.co/qyp99Kw

Brick Meathook

As a gesture to my massive PTSD they gave me this complimentary chocolate:

https://ibb.co/dJ6s3Zq

Unsurprised

Did you do a Mukbang of free meals today and share it to YouTube?

Unsurprised

Golden Corral is cheating

LemonJello

Who scorched a twenty foot circle of his yard and almost had his riding mower go up in flames like the Jaguras season? This guy.

Who’s ready for some fitbaw?

WCS

Happy Veterans’ Day?

Brick Meathook

That’s good hustle

jjfozz

I am relying on Tua to get me 5 points tonight. I’m conflicted because I don’t want his fragile skull to explode on the field a la Scanners.

BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I need him to get me 25 or so, so with ya

King Hippo

but I mean…if it do, it do

Unsurprised

The football player about to score when his head exploded (but contained within the helmet) was in Scanners FOUR

Horatio Cornblower

Mrs. Horatio is off to the Greater (?) LA area tomorrow to see her folks. It’s for 8 days, and she’s not brining pot thanks to those spoilsports at the TSA.

So expect me to send out a frantic message in about 4 days asking one of you SoCal folks to get to a certain address with a whole lot of pot.

Last edited 1 year ago by Horatio Cornblower
Brick Meathook

Inform her that she can legally buy pot at any 7-Eleven or Safeway in California .

ArmedandHammered

They deliver out there, to your door. Even to hotels. IT. IS. BEAUTIFUL!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Might this do? (keys for scale)

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Horatio Cornblower

That’ll hold her for four of the eight days anyway.

Gumbygirl

Dispensaries everywhere!

jjfozz

Didja ever have a leak in the bathtub (cause your moron fucking sons managed to crack the fucking shell of the tub) and then have water pour through the light fixture downstairs?

Then, didja ever take the fucking light fixture out – without turning off the switch – and realize you’re holding an object that’s not only still on, but is also dripping wet?

DIDJA FUCKING EVER?

Christ on a crutch.

Doktor Zymm

Congrats on not electrocuting yourself!

Redshirt

I’m convinced he did but his rage is keeping Death from claiming his soul.

ArmedandHammered

Death’s gonna wait till he calms down a bit.

Redshirt

“Hold on, Reaper, let me get my sons so we can take the HOV Lane to Hell.”

jjfozz

Then call me Methusaleh

jjfozz

I was yelling up for Mrs. Fozz to come down and she said, “I don’t like your tone.”

I’M FUCKING INCHES FROM GETTING COOKED GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE!

She kind of understood.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I got the same kind of reaction from the Dr. Mrs. when I yelled at her to get away from a 9 ft rattlesnake that was sleeping on the path next to where she was walking.

Unsurprised

Where the fuck was this so we can call in an air strike?

Brick Meathook

There are old electricians
And there are bold electricians
But there are no old bold electricians

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That’s like the line about how good drivers sometimes miss their turn, but bad drivers never do.

ArmedandHammered

Actually yes.

ArmedandHammered

Although, it was the fact that he let the pan of the shower (tile) fill up to the edge due to his hair clogging the drain. Water seeped through 3 hours after he left for school and out the dining room light fixture. And I then did the same as you.

ArmedandHammered

All he had to do was remove the hair, too fucking lazy.

jjfozz

Yeah, I could see my trio of morons doing this

Redshirt

.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Man, I hate invoicing clients. Though I prefer it to the alternative, which is working for free, so I suppose I should keep my nose to the grindstone and get these things done.

jjfozz

I hated doing it too. Once solution was QuickBooks, which auto generated invoices for me.

Doktor Zymm

I need Tyreek to get fewer than 50 points

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ArmedandHammered

I dropped him as he is questionable for this game. So he will play and score 100 pts.

Doktor Zymm

Aw man!

ArmedandHammered

Of fucking course. I hope the injury hampers him too much to be effective.

BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I’m good with mid 20s for points from him tonight

Senor Weaselo

I need the game to end like this right now, no more catches for Waddle and no more things for the RAM IT D.

(Because I’m playing you in Freezer Vodka, see…)

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