Dear forthcoming child,

With so much to do to prepare for your mid-November arrival, I wanted to take a few minutes to write down some fatherly advice to share with you. You may never end up reading this – in fact, staying off the internet outright is probably going to improve your quality of life significantly as a human being – but in case you’re ever curious as to why Daddy is yelling and upset at the big glowing rectangle with the loud noises that sits in the basement, I hope that these next few paragraphs can help guide you on a path to a rich, fulfilling, and mostly happy life.

Your mother and I have no idea yet just what you’ll be – a boy or a girl, tall or short, quick as a whip or in need of a series of electric shocks to learn any sort of lessons at all. But that’s part of the joy of anticipation, is it not?

You may love school and books, somewhat like me. You may love playing in the mud and being outside as much as humanly possible, like your mom. Whatever you end up being in this life yet to live, I just hope you can do it to the absolute best of your abilities and your satisfaction.

This is why I am telling you, as a man well-versed in idiocy, time-wasting, and disappointment in others, to never become a football fan; and if you do, to never cheer for your father’s team – the New England Patriots. I implore you, as a barely sentient lump of flesh, to show a lick more common sense than me, your legal guardian – because if you do not, there is nothing but sadness ahead for these next few years of your life – and, realistically, much more to follow in the decades to come. If these words of warning haven’t caused you to start crying or shitting your pants again, read a bit more to understand just why I caution you so strongly, little one.

Football is a sport designed to make regular, normal people temporarily insane, typically for about 3 hours on a Sunday afternoon in the fall and winter; in this state, they will often say all kinds of things that they may or may not truly mean in the matter of the words used, but certainly mean in the manner in which they feel when they say them. It is a ridiculous, asinine thing to be involved with, which naturally makes it all the more meaningful at the same time. Your daddy loves sports so, so deeply, and would be far better off getting repeatedly hit in the head with a rock rather than subjecting himself to this stupidity week in and week out for decades on end, but, as many other grownups often say, old habits die hard.

The New England Patriots are among the worst offenders of producing this feeling in people who cheer for the team, along with every other organized sports team in existence, past or present.

I am hoping – nay, praying – that 2024 was rock bottom in New England. We all knew the team was going to be bad, of course, and that any successful rebuilds take time in the NFL, but last season was a comedy of errors that I sincerely hope will never be repeated but know full well in my heart absolutely will. Where to begin with what went wrong?

Maybe we start with the coaching staff. Jerod Mayo couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag, despite having already had a good, extended look on the inside of what it means to exist within The Patriot Way. He made excuses at every turn, threw his players and coordinators under the bus, and all in all was entirely out of his element. His game management directly cost the Pats repeatedly last year. He’s the Peter Principle in action. To nobody’s shock, another former Pats linebacker in Mike Vrabel takes over as HC this year; while I still don’t think he’s an amazing coach, he was fortunately able to take a Titans roster thin on talent (aside from Derrick Henry) to multiple playoff appearances and at the absolute minimum is a clear upgrade on Mayo. But again, that’s really not saying much at all.

Josh McDaniels is back at OC and to me and many others, that’s where he thrives best in a coaching staff (I don’t think anyone would be so foolish to ever give him an HC job ever again after the debacles in both Denver and Las Vegas). Still, continuity on offense remains a problem in Foxborough – with his return, that’s five different OCs in five years in New England. Seems fine!

Drake Maye showed a number of brilliant flashes last year despite having virtually no pass protection and no reliable receivers. He is definitely an upgrade on Mac Jones, but the team still desperately needs him to take a step forward as QB1 in his sophomore year. In particular he needs guys that can actually get separation.

Stefon Diggs is coming off ACL surgery and the team needs him to be a true WR1 very very very badly because everything else is shit from a butt from their passcatchers, aside from TE Hunter Henry. This also means that Cardi B may hang around Gillette Stadium like Taylor Swift hangs around Arrowhead, but Massholes will of course be even more furious about this than they were about forced school bussing in the ’70s. I am also not sure that future Boat Parties will have as much cultural cache to them if his entourage is spotted railing lines of pink coke off the coast of Cape Cod.

Sorry. Your mother is yelling at me again that I shouldn’t talk about drugs around you. Maybe that’s true, but you’re not even born yet, and can’t even drive a car to go buy them yet. So I feel like that might be a bit overblown at this juncture.

The Pats drafted RB TreVeyon Henderson out of Ohio State and it seems like the media, both Boston local as well as the larger national gamut of pundits, have all fallen in love with the guy and how good of a fit he’s going to be on the team. It would be nice to have an RB who’s able to hang onto the football, which Rhamondre Stevenson developed an allergy to doing last season. I am pretty sure the Buckeyes would have been Hitler’s favorite team had he been a college football fan so I must continue to hate the entire school and the state itself, but let’s hope this pick pans out. I know you don’t know who that is just yet, future kid. Stay off the internet and we’ll keep it that way a little longer yet.

The team has also worked on making some big O-line investments, including drafting Will Campbell to play left tackle and signing Garrett Bradbury to play center. Campbell is quick and quite strong, but has T.Rex arms… and while his insane introductory press conference featured several ridiculous quotes that instill some confidence in his character as a competitor and teammate, including that he was willing to “die for [his] quarterback” on the field, we have yet to see anything. Bradbury is… not great. Same with the rest of the line. Right tackle remains a big issue too. I don’t trust Morgan Moses to get the job done there.

Milton Williams got paid big money to be an elite pass rusher and I hope that $63 million in guaranteed money keeps him pushing hard this year. After winning a Super Bowl last year with the Eagles he needs to be a guy who siezes every single snap given to him this year. Harold Landry also has potential there.

Christian Gonzalez is sick as hell and I’m glad people are recognizing his All-Pro talent. Marcus Jones is a really nice complement on the other side of the field from him as well. These two guys really need to stay healthy this year.

Finally, the Pats’ schedule is pretty friendly this year. Buffalo is still a playoff team, of course, and will win the division barring disaster, but Miami and the Jets have regressed; outside the AFC East there are no other significantly difficult matchups outside of Cincy in Week 12 and Baltimore in Week 16.

I think Eliot Wolf is a moron. I think that he’s been bad for this team and that the front office needs a revamp in order to fully move on from the Belichick era, even with the coaching staff completely turning over since the end of the 2023 season. I also firmly believe that’s not going to happen for as long as Robert Kraft remains the owner of this team. The lack of a clear hierarchy is a direct result of his electing not to spend money productively, and also comes from his tendency to meddle with football ops despite being a lecherous, boorish old crank. Between the massage stuff and renewed media focus on his significant, direct material support for the Israeli Defense Forces, he’s absolutely up there in the tiers of worst NFL owners. (All of them are the absolute worst, with Jerry Jones getting an extra-special area all for himself at the very very very bottom of the list).

I think this team will be better than last year, but short of a miracle I still don’t see playoffs happening this year, even with a reasonable schedule. New England remains a couple of receivers away from being a legitimate playoff team, but if Maye makes a step and if Mike Vrabel shows even the absolute barest semblance of competent game management there’s a chance that the Pats could go 7-10.

Anyways, even if New England is statistically better than last year, please do not conflate this mathematical quantification of improvement as my having any actual hope for the future in this team. There is nothing good coming of any of this, and all I have left after six Super Bowls in my lifetime is the feelings of nostalgia.

And that is why I caution you so strongly against being a Patriots fan, future child. The world is a fundamentally unfair and unforgiving place in many regards. I have been extremely, extremely blessed to celebrate winning a championship many, many times in my life, to the point where accusations of being greedy and unappreciative of success had more truth to them than I think many of us Pats fans would care to admit. But I cannot guarantee any of that for you. And that, to me, is the most unfair part of what it means to be a sports fan, and by extension, to be human.

I want you to be happy. I want to protect you from the evils of the world. I want you to find your best self and use it to make the world a better place in whatever manner you can best accomplish. And I so wish you were there to share in this joy with me of your team winning a championship – particularly for SB51. Like life, sports fandom is a rollercoaster; it has its ups and downs. But unlike life, where I hope you can find joys in so many different things over the course of your existence, Patriots fandom is a one-way ticket to a stilted existence. It wasn’t always like that, which also makes it a particularly cruel part of a personality to foist upon a sweet, innocent child like you.

So let this be a warning to you, kiddo. My own dad, and soon to be your Grampy, once told me, a left-hander, “Son, if you can throw a baseball ninety miles an hour, you can quit school. If you can throw it ninety-five, I can quit my job.” So naturally, I heeded his advice carefully, and instead went into music.

Future child, if you can write one hit song, you can quit school. If you can write two, I can quit my job.

Knowing my luck, you’re gonna end up a Jets fan somehow.

Love you always, kid. Safe arrivals and see you soon.

– Dad

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Banner image originally found here.