…No? Damn it, well why the fuck not?
Guess nobody’s holy enough to get Raptured. I mean yeah, we’re still here but that was expected. But I guess Agent Orange wasn’t enough of a holy man while *checks notes* he got mad at something his own videographer accidentally did, then said everyone’s countries were going to Hell. You know, the things that build bridges between nations. And of course, newscasters calling for *checks notes again* bombing a building that is the world’s center for diplomacy and located in the middle of your own nation’s largest city.
Which, I know, blue wasteland, nuke it until it glows a la Mike Priefer. But seriously, are they fucking kidding me?
Okay, rant over, making with the funny and the news! Such as…
How fucked are the VEPs, as in a Hail Mary attempting to save the job move Jaxson Dart will be QB1 now? (If the Bengals want a very much cooked Russell Wilson or an eternally Jameis Jameis Winston you have to think one of them is available now!)
Meanwhile, on the other side of the same swamp that is unfortunately not called Snoopy Stadium, in part because both teams are Charlie Brown, the Jets have made a trade with Don T’s Tits, getting CB Travis Brownlee, Jr. and a 7th for a 6th.
What’s on tonight?
Pennant race baseball. Catch the fever! Important games (that none of them will be on nationally because Manfred sucks)
Liga Americana:
Suddenly shitty Tigs vs. Major League: I didn’t hate Back to the Minors (DET vs. CLE, 6:40. Teams are TIED for AL Central after the Tigers had a 15 1/2 game lead. We’re talking 1978 Red Sox levels of divisional collapse here!)
Just regular bad, thanks to His Holiness vs. Aaron Judge has already been robbed of at least 1 MVP, they might make it 2! (CWS vs. NYY, 7:05, probably on Prime. WEASEL ON THE GROUND!)
”Oh Jesus Christ, I have to root for the fucking Red Sox” vs. “What would the AL East mean for the Leafs’ Stanley Cup chances?” (BOS vs. TOR, 7:07. Jays have a 1 game lead plus tiebreaker, so basically a 2 game lead over the Yankees for the AL East and best record in the AL, magic number of 4. Yankees clinched a playoff spot and still need to hold off the Red Sox for at worst WC1 and home field in that series. Sox are a game up on the imploding Tigers for WC2.)
Pathetically bad, but only differently historically bad vs. Judge vs. Raleigh vs. Judge (COL vs. SEA, 9:40)
Coffin Dancers at the wayside vs. Nomads (HOU vs. not-OAK, or SAC, or LV, 10:05. Mariners have a 4-game lead on the Astros and I believe their magic number is 1 thanks to the recent sweep. Astros are currently out of the playoffs, 1 GB of the Tigers. Raleigh is locked with current Judge for MVP and would need 2 homers in 5 games for 60, 4 to tie ‘22 Judge [62].)
Mario Kart: Senior Circuit (National League)
Wild Card Fun!
Fledgling LOLMETS vs. Small Bastard Men (NYM vs. CHC, 8:05)
Good pitching matchup, inevitably fucking with Redshirt’s heart now-palpitations: PIT (Skenes) vs. CIN (Greene) (6:40)
Somehow still the Dodgers vs. Snakes Still Alive? (LAD vs. ARI, 9:40)
The #BFIB are still technically in it vs. The Former New York Baseball Giants (STL vs. SF, 9:45)
Fish Chaos vs. Phighting phor a Phirst-Round Bye (MIA vs. PHI, 6:45)
Yes, the Marlins are still technically in the race for the last Wild Card but would need a series of miracles. It’s really the Mets, Reds, and Diamondbacks for one spot. Crazier things have happened though.
I have never been to a playoff or division-clinching game. I was expecting it to be today (also since I was teaching yesterday and taking care of things with the diceball team, leading their division as we approach the midpoint). But alas, another year.
Never been to a playoff clinching game but last night we went to the Padres the night after they clinched against the best team in baseball (Brewers)… ROCKIN! My life is split, I have lived in CA now for the same amount of time that I grew up in WI. Regardless, the Pads were playing mostly second and third string folk we’ve never heard of and they still managed to win 7-0. Against the current best team in baseball, my childhood Brewers. Doesn’t matter, I’m sure it will be Yankees Dodger reprise.
Oops, Cal said it again!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHw8Dkx4YAY
60!!! 🔱🔱🔱
MVP! MVP! MVP!
That’s a pretty exclusive club.
https://bsky.app/profile/cjzero.bsky.social/post/3lzn3p7j2vs2j
QORANUN SILERIA OZU MAHOOK
https://ibb.co/QjzPwF0J
Worst. Achewood. Ever.
Should I try ketamine? I could probably get some from my neighbor. I thought that my drug days were behind me but it does sound kind of intriguing.
Sure, then have 11 kids!
King Laserface?
Elmo
I don’t know, if an asshole like Elmo is into it, it’s not for me. One of the few I have no interest in trying, like crack or meth.
You won’t try crack or meth? You have no idea what you’re missing! (teeth, mainly)
Crack’s not all it’s cracked up to be, it’s basically the entire experience of cocaine compressed into 30 seconds
Easy on the meth hate. All these morons out here doing cocaine only get a few hours of a high, but one lightbulb of meth will have you going for 10 hours. And then unable to sleep for another 8. And it’s cheaper!
Never saw the appeal myself. It’s an animal tranquilizer, why bother when there are perfectly good human tranquilizers? Get some Valium instead and chill
Wait until things are better or yave more responsibilities, to truly enjoy* it.
*make the self-sabotage grandioser
I want to say one word to you. Just one word: Prescription Opiates.
I’m finding my comment about the Ryder Cup tomorrow is becoming more lengthy than I expected. Can I make our daylight post a primer for it tomorrow?
As long as there’s a full length paragraph disparaging Bryson DeChamBlow, but still optimistic on USA’s prospects
Happy FailMaryVersary
https://www.reddit.com/r/nfl/comments/1npsgfx/highlight_13_years_ago_today_the_fail_mary/
TOUCHDOWN HOX!
13 years ago? Wow, we are all old
Speak for yourself, whoever you are and whatever you’re talking about, and where are my pants?
Ok, at the risk of sounding like Seinfeld… WHAT is the DEAL with old men in locker rooms using hair dryers to dry their nutsack?
Is this a generational thing that will die out? Or is it something that will happen to me when I get old enough? For about five decades I’ve gotten by with a little towel pat down, and never suffered any kind of crotch rot. (Well, that little trip to Hedonism doesn’t count.) Does your scrotum change as you age, and it suddenly becomes a sponge that can’t be tried with a mere towel? Or is this just “some dudes like how it feels, and once they get old they don’t give a fuck about doing it in front of people?
Any older DFOers want to shed some light here?
I never thought it would happen to me, but I’ve actually crossed over into preferring to air-dry my testicles. I won’t do it if there’s anybody else in the (small) locker room where I swim, but if I’ve got the place to myself (and also at home) I’m much happier letting things dry completely before I get dressed.
Gold Bond or get the fuck outta here
I’m old and would never ever even once think to do this. (be in a locker room)
Who the hell dries their own nutsack? That’s what your personal assistant is for.
First I’ve heard of it. And I know plenty folks with scrota
I’ve never air-dried my nutsack. But I can buy the, “Too old to give a fuck,” theory.
Rikki 2, Bamboo 0.
The next one is (most likely) the toughest of the three. I call it Kronos.
When mentally ill people do commit violence, it’s almost always towards someone they know because of proximity, or, if homeless/lacking social connections, it becomes a crime of opportunity when the impulses finally hit towards the nearest proximate person. Case in point: Iryna in Charlotte and most subway shovings.
BIG DUMPER! 59!
Look out Judge, your record is going down.
That’s a lot of dung!
Cincinnati is into the “Fuck it, it’s practically the postseason” part of Regular Season.
Pittsburgh is into the “Fuck it, if we’re not making it to Game 163, neither are you” part of the Regular Season.
Yay, Cincinnati; taking defeat from the jaws of victory!
It is the Ohio way!
I’d love to see These Charming Beeeennnnnngals!
But here’s to the end of the world:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_OM5XXxwSw
https://ibb.co/mr9QsMgK
Okay, Donald Trump revisionist history is going too far!
if superman spanked a person, their rectum would shoot out of their mouth and bury itself a foot into the nearest wall
Where is Buddy Cole, anyway?
That’s my exact fetish.
Been on call in jury service all week. I call tonight and the recording says “You have completed your jury service and no longer need to call in.”
Shit yes!
When I get home in 2 hours there’s a bottle of wine with my name on it.
I presume you wrote it on there so Kewpie doesn’t steal it?
He’s more of a beer thief.
“Dad can you drive me to the Ravens game?”
“Sure.”
I pull up with my oldest in the car. My middle and his two friends are standing in the street, looking slightly dazed.
“Pour out the open beers, I’m not going to jail for you dumbasses.”
One idiot decides to take a leak in a bush, while two older women are walking down the street.
“You gotta play Kodak Black! LOUD!”
Inside of the car smells like a fraternity.
“We shotgunned beers and got it all over ourselves.”
Drive into city. Volume level is 100 decibles. Fucking rap music continues. I would rather have my balls removed with rusty piano wire.
Kids trash talk another kid hanging out of a Tesla truck. One rolls down the window halfway and yells, “HEY, FUCK YOU!”
Drop off kids, remind them not to get killed. Notice an empty beer can rolling around on the floor of the car.
Fuck them.
Your car, your music. Just for funsies throw on the soundtrack to Cats or something. Then they’ll be to embarrassed to yell out the window
to be honest, i had fun watching these guys act the same way i did in my youth
no goddamn way i’m making the rapture list, i don’t think they take Catholics
Amazon keeps sending me stuff about joining Alexa+ early access, basically AI enhancement so you can have conversations with your Echo.
I have changed the wake word on my Echo to ‘computer’ from ‘alexa’ and turned off every possible ‘feature’. I’ve even gone so far as to create a fake child account because the damn thing doesn’t make inane suggestions for kids accounts.
In a nutshell, I treat a smart speaker the same way Charlie Kirk treated his wife, it needs to shut up and do what I tell it. I’m sure as hell not going to have a conversation with it. alexa+ can go to hell.
So how does it respond in kid mode when you ask “Computer, go to hell?”
It’d be cool if it disappeared for a few seconds, then came back all fucked up like in Event Horizon.
It usually just shuts down, sometimes it pulls a Janay Rice and apologizes
/dying
I have never and will never tolerate talking to a machine. I’m very aware of the AI call centers that are popping up and they try to be very realistic but I can smell the BS so I swear a lot just for the sport of it. They never complain, the fuckheads.
What’s up with the Mets? And will sports media commit seppuku for making me, a non-baseball anythinger, have to listen to “how good are the Mets?” for weeks earlier this year?
Don’t worry, the Reds are busy falling on their face.
You gotta believe
Since I didn’t make the Rapture cut, here’s something to explain why.
That is fantastic.
I had a relative who died at Auschwitz. He fell out of a guard tower and broke his neck.
My distant relative was at the Crucifixion. He supplied the nails.
(Dadshirt rises from the grave to slap me in the back of my head)
Listen, Dickus is a family name, you don’t have to worry about it.
He had a wife, you know.
One of Ball’s exes i would guess by her name.
But Infantalis as a first name sucks.
Jesus walks into an inn, drops a few nails on the counter, “Hey, can you put me up for the night?”
/notices the air is suddenly redolent of sulfur