ST. MICHAEL CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL, FOOTBALL FIELD — FAIRHOPE, ALABAMA — TWO WEEKS AGO
COACH RIVERS: Alright boys, bring it in! Bring it in!
[Practice ends and groups of boys rush over and encircle their Coach]
RIVERS: Great hustle out there today, boys! Defense, we got some work to do, but I’m really liking what I’m seeing on offense and special teams.
[The team nods and murmurs in agreement]
RIVERS: Now that being said, I’m worried some of you are liking what you are seeing too much in the showers after practice too! And you know I won’t allow that kind of Devilry on my team!
RIVERS: I’ve got my eye on you, BRAYDEN! And you best keep your eyes up on the Lord and off on my son’s SIN HOLE! YOU GOT THAT?!
RIVERS: [Phone ringing] Hold on ya bunch of eunuchs, I gotta take this call.
[CELL PHONE FILES OPEN]
RIVERS: YA BETTER CALL SOMEBODDDDDYYYYYY!!!!
SHANE STEICHEN: Phil? It’s Coach Shane from the Indianapolis Colts. Hey, I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t an emergency, but we have a situation over here and we were wondering if you’d consider coming in for a workout as soon as possible?
RIVERS: A workout? At QB?! What happened with Anthony Dickhead and that Italian Eli Manning looking kid?
STEICHEN: They’re both down and the only kid in our corner is a banged-up rook.
RIVERS: And so, what? I’m the last call on your list?
STEICHEN: Actually, you’re my first. And I know you had your differences with management the last time you were here, but things have changed…
RIVERS: I heard the old pillbox finally caught up with that blue haired heathen junkie. [Turns and looks at his team and covers the phone] Alright boys! Looks like Coach Phil is once again chosen by Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to lead men on the field of battle! [Uncovers the phone] YA BETTER START SOMEBODDDDYYYYYY!!!!
It has been nearly a decade since I have made it a point to sit down and watch a specific NFL game, but last week’s amazing desperation start by the Colts brought me out of my Spanoi-induced hibernation to cheer on His Holiness, The High Commander, King Laserface as he gets straight up off the couch to nearly secure the victory over Seattle, only to then throw a desperation INT on the last play. I could’ve sworn I’d been transported back to 2008.
Now, a week later, Rivers is back out there again giving it a shot against the 49ers on MNF! The thought of him coming out of retirement to potentially take the Colts to the post season and maybe knock the Spanoi out is certainly not something I had on my bingo card this year, but I will absolutely welcome this faint light in our current darkest timeline.
The 49ers are… 10-4? As someone who has only paid attention to this team when I had Aiyuk on my fantasy team, I had assumed they were having one of those patented down years despite having plenty of talent. Those are fun, but apparently not the case this season. After Rivers managed to a TD and 120 yards on a far superior Seattle defense, I am looking forward to seeing what he can do against these guys. It should be the Johnathan Taylor show again tonight, but I would absolutely love to see them open on play action and see what Rivers has in the tank after a week at practice.
HUH? WHAT? HUH? LET’S GO!
[Banner image via]
Just like two decades ago, Indy can score almost at will with a statue playing quarterback, and defense remains a theorical concept only.
I like how the superimposed red line makes it look like Trent Williams is in a Tampax commercial as a “before” example.
That Christmas game turned into a lump of coal faster than carbon under immense pressure.
/I’m gonna blame that on the last week, but my gig humor tonight was Leonard Cohen “You Want It Darker”
Maybe my favorite Cohen song. Because of (gestures at world).
Way to Streisand Effect the story, White House.
‘60 Minutes’ story shelved by Bari Weiss streamed in Canada — and instantly spread across the web | CNN Business
I’m not sure you can get dumber than Bari Weiss.
“Mmm…”
Cabinet
They also redacted some of the Epstein files using (apparently) Adobe Acrobat, so people are copying and pasting into Notepad and seeing the underlying text.
So yes, Bari is just part of a Stupidity Nesting Doll.
Thanks to the Free Trade Agreement, Global broadcast the tape they were sent. It’s part of the same deal Goodell negotiated to make sure we didn’t get the US commercials during “The Big Game”™️
Credit Rivers for being able to get off the couch and play creditably but Jesus Christ, you could clock some of his passes with a sun dial.
His accuracy is the only reason he’s getting away with these throws.
THAT AND MY FAITH IN THE LORD YOU HEATHEN COCKWALLET!!!
Who are you calling a “heathen”?
He’s been impressive, but it’s a very good thing SF has no pass rush.
“It’s a must win game for the Colts, so we’ve replaced their defence with the 2017 Browns. Let’s see if anyone notices.”
Yesterday litre overordered fried chicken on purpose because right now litre has a pound of wings. As an idiot I from time to time surprise myself.
Pleasantly
Good guy, that Yesterday Litre.
Tomorrow Litre is not Yesterday Litre’s problem.
I swear I just saw Uncle Jack in some kind of gambling commercial last break…
You sure it wasn’t Simple Jack?
DOINK?
He needed one more inch. (insert Deanna Favre joke here)
Insert? He can’t.
…her
make it a double?
DONNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Jim Irsay showing up at halftime to rally the boys.
Let’s try that picture again.
Doinklar power overflowing after the college games this weekend
CLANG-OINK
Pig metal?
Horizontal DOINK!
Now that’s a goddamn doink.
It had authoritie!
DOINK
The DOINK was thunderous!
It hit at exactly the right point to make the loudest sound.
Shoulda been a point somehow.
I have so missed Old Man Rivers…
“I wish he missed more often”
Tiffany Rivers
also, the kid with 10 older siblings
plus, doink!
The officials retrieving one of Rivers’s deep throws
That fucking dog !!! I always wanted to shoot him instead of the ducks.
Iron Ret… man
Ok, time to bore you with FFL stuff. In my money league (one of them) the championship is this week, and I’m in it (thanks to the usual way…mediocre regular season, warming up in playoffs). My team is done. I have a nice lead, but the other guy has Jennings and Kittle. Basically if they combine for 3 TDs plus a lot of yards, I’m screwed (or 4 TDs). Kittle has one so far, but I’m feeling lucky that the other two went elsewhere. Anyway, my whole night is rooting against two guys from San Francisco. I feel like an Evangelical.
Wow, that was boring
This coming from a guy who stares at drizzle every day.
Listen, you set up a softball, don’t be surprised if he whacks it.
Just like the Mariners! (except in the playoffs)
Jesus, just set the Buddy signal on ‘Hey Kool-Aid’ why dontcha?
rivers scramble
His age is on his shirt.
18? Don’t let Buddy know you’re legal now
He’s moving like he just had some Taco Bell.
Go pops go!
Pretty sure he’d beat me in the 100.
Dan Marino is envious
Okay, why they are playing 7-on-7?
They can’t play 17 on 17 despite marmalade’s best efforts
The iPhone 17 Pro with iOS 26.1 is a piece of shit.
Yeah but 26.2 is different
“I only use about 1/10 of it”
-Rosie Ruiz
Greatest NY cheater…her or Danny Almonte?
Trump.
I gotta give it to her. I saw a documentary on Almonte and it was pretty clear some adult relatives were using him, and that he didn’t realize he was breaking rules.
It felt like they blew the whistle early there to avoid Rivers taking the German suplex.
Jesus, if the Colts only had a defense, Rivers could actually take them to the playoffs!
Does Rivers give the Hail Mary every time out because he’s hoping to do well or he’s hoping his babymakers survive another series?
Time to play “What is Catch?”!
Apparently it’s about -$500K.
what makes this funnier is the cleveland browns will never find a quarterback, at any age
Bernie Kosar is dealing with transplant issues.
What is Brian Sipe doing, nowadays?
Witness protection under an alias in Davenport, IA.
I thought that guy that took my Wawa order looked familiar…
As a 49 year old I fucking love Uncle Phil.
Fresh Prince of Meridian Hills
I remember that area
Some unused jokes from my submission packet to the Jay Leno show, so I’ll share them here!:
The Trump Class submarine, did you hear about this? Apparently half way through construction it’s going to be abandoned for a younger, Eastern European model!
The Trump Class submarine, have you heard about this? The propeller was supposed to be made of gold but it turned green during the maiden voyage!
(throws remote at herodotus450)
philip rivers playing on a team with shitty special teams?
that never happens!
missed it
Derpyderpydoo!
Oopsie Doodle.
damn there are a fuckton of niner fans there
bay area must have a shortage of gravy due to tariffs and stopped by for the game
We make our own vegan fair trade local farmer’s market gravy from onions harvested by a migrant worker that we make live in a shipping container with 9 others. It’s crap so people will travel to get proper gravy.
Hey diddle diddle
George Kittle up the middle
ok i want the leather telecaster
(leather is not a tonewood, but i guess thats what the emg pickup is for)
I want to know how Philip decided which kids & their boy/girlfriends got to sit in the box.
MARMALARDOWN
HUH! WHAT? TOUCHDOWN
no way in hell the trump class ships even see a keel
2.5 years? in 2.5 years the first blueprint will be drawn. kinda.
(oh but there will be checks cashed, you bet your military industrial complex ass checks will be gettin CASHED)
Trump will be involved in the aesthetic design. The prototype USS Trump is going to sink as soon as it leaves drydock.
What do you mean a screen door isn’t watertight?
“We tried, damn thing kept letting it in!”
Polack Naval Command
How does one get one of these cheques to cash?
Watching the Playbook alternate broadcast in ESPN2. I’m assuming this is how Peyton Manning sees a football game. Eli is most likely a color book.
Colts unis are special.
I want to not like them… but I can’t.
jerseys are ok-ish
helmets are…a choice.
I am for them. Better than their normies.
I like the stripes, not sure about the black with that shade of blue
Finally finished rewiring the lighting fixture I started on a few years ago. Unsurprisingly I have put the screws for reassembly in a safe place, so safe that I have totally forgotten where
Is that better or worse than having extra parts when done?
Go to your nearest Harbor Freight and buy some magnetic trays. I say ‘some’, because once you’ve filled that hole in your life you’re going to want two or three more.
Found a funny:
If you got a problem, yo, I’ll solvent, check out the gunk, isopropyl dissolves it
Okay, we now have precedent establish. A player bitchslapping a fan is worth a two-game suspension. Fans have been warned.
USS Bonespurs
I’m assuming this is a piece of shit. This is not flaccid enough to be anything else.
The Trump class. Of battleships.
.
Aren’t there also Los Angeles class of battleships? Where did I get that from?
https://ibb.co/r2m8WGT6
Is he going to paint it gold?
Looks like the zumwalt school of design
Los Angeles class fast-attack submarines. Los Angeles is a city, not a person naming it after themselves.
Submarines
Oh no. Please no. Say it ain’t so.
*on the other hand, at least it’s not subs. Given his glowing record of success and all*
Even the Nazis didn’t name a class of battleships after a living leader, they went with Bismarck
They make a lot of noise but another ship does the actual fighting?
Part of me also wants to see Rivers succeed. Not because I like the Colts, but because his wife’ uterus needs a break.
It’s humanitarian!
*also pretty sure it done be broke*
I would be willing to bet she ripped it out herself.