BREAKING NEWS

Chris Schauble – WHAT WAS THAT?!?

Megan Henderson – Relax, the earthquake was in the midwest!

CS – No, that’s not what I’m talking about.  THIS

Minnesota Vikings are trading for Eagles' QB Sam Bradford, league sources tell ESPN.

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) September 3, 2016

Oh, Chris, you’re being silly!  Wait!  I’ve got something in my ear.  We now go live to El Segundo to Kacey Montoya who has a live report of some breaking news.  Kacey?

Kacey:  Megan, I am right outside the 420 dispensary in downtown El Segundo where it seems a local man has gone on a rampage.  Witnesses described him as limping heavily but still moving quite quickly. He stormed into the dispensary and ordered, and I quote, “the strongest BLEEP you have in this BLEEP!”   When told they were all out, all hell went loose.

Megan:  Do the police have a description?

Kacey:  Not at this time. One witness said he was wearing a Cubs cap, but that is unconfirmed.

Megan:  Thank you, Kacey.  We now go to Hollywood where Liberte Chan has more on this.  Liberte.

Liberte:  Megan, I’m standing outside the Bank of America on Larchmont.  A man fitting the description of the man that went into a rage in El Segundo also caused a commotion here.  He apparently was withdrawing a substantial amount from the ATM machine and when he saw he was being charged $3.50, he went inside the branch office and flew into a rage.  Witnesses report that he cursed at the teller while saying something about giving him a first round draft pick instead of the $3.50.  Luckily, the bank voided the fee and he left.  His whereabouts are unknown.

Did you say $3.50?

Yes.

Megan:  That’s outrageous!  I don’t bl…. wait, we have an update on the story.

It seems the suspect has been found at a massage parlor in the South Bay!  We now go to Mary Beth McDade in the newsroom.

Mary Beth: Yes, Megan, it seems that the suspect has been surrounded by police outside the Miss Kitty Thai Massage Parlor.  He may be inside and he may be dangerous.  Our own Courtney Friel is there.

Courtney:  Hi ladies!  I am speaking with one of the girls that works in this establishment.  She does not want to say her name, but she says she has a message for everyone.

Look, I don’t see why you just leave the guy alone!  His team has gone to shit!  The starting QB is gone for… possibly fucking ever!  His team just gave away a first and a fourth for SAM FUCKING BRADFORD!  He DESERVES THIS!  He’s a good guy and a loyal customer and he never hurt nobody!  LEAVE HIM ALONE!

Chris:  PREACH!

Megan:  Well, it seems the situation has changed as I’m now getting word that the suspect slipped out the back while the police were “interrogating” the massage parlor employees.  God speed, Unknown Viking Fan!