Balls metaphorically shoots Franz Ferdinand

I write this fully knowing the consequences. I apologize in advance for the blood about to be shed. However, I’ve held my tongue long enough. I’m only doing this for the good of society. Here goes:

Girl Scout Cookies are tasteless saturated fat guilt bombs that prey on the weak and obese in pursuit of questionable goals by a cult that has been allowed to exist for far too long.

But let me tell you how I really feel.

***

The Cookies Themselves

They’re hard. They’re brittle. They have to be modified (freeze your Thin Mints!) in order to make them palatable. They’re overpriced.

Seriously, a box of dry tasteless cookies for $6???

They’re inconsistent. East Coast cookies are made by a different manufacturer (and I chose the word manufacturer on purpose because they’re mass-produced like IKEA furniture and taste just as good) than West Coast cookies.

***

The Sales By Guilt Tactic

I thought we had Child Labor laws in this country. Apparently, the Girl Scouts believe our young girls should emulate their Asian counterparts and get to producing for Dear Leader as soon as possible.

The poor girls are forced (and yes, I say forced because they have no choice. They’re minors. They’re easily exploited) to stand in front of supermarkets and ask strangers if they would like to buy a cookie. Granted, it’s good training for eventual careers in sex work, but is that what we should be teaching them?

And I say this as the uncle of two girls that were brownies and had to go through this. You know what I did to keep them off the street?

I bought the entire case they were given to sell.

Oh, don’t get it twisted. Like contract workers in the Middle East, they are expected to sell a certain amount of boxes of cookies before they get their passports back. You don’t want to know what happens if they don’t.

So, they stand there, as you are walking in or out of the market with one of the moms overseeing them. If you get a good mom, she’s wearing a skin tight outfit and attracting the customers. If you get a bad mom, she makes the girls do all the work and gets on their case if they don’t approach every person walking by.

A good pimp makes all the difference.

And don’t get me started on the poor Moms and Dads that have to take the boxes to the office and try to sell them there. That’s humiliating and, if the Mom or Dad is a boss, borders on establishing a hostile workplace. You are forced to buy a box for fear of retaliation.

***

Where The Money Goes

As I said, my nieces both were in the first stage of Girl Scouts. They didn’t learn shit. They very quickly decided they wanted to do other activities besides Girl Scouts.

Here is what the Girl Scouts say they do.

Here is what they REALLY do:

Lie to girls and tell them they are running cookie businesses when in reality they’re just selling Confederated Products.

Brainwash girls into thinking flair is a good thing.

Take a gigantic profit off of free labor to fund lobbying efforts to support seemingly worthy causes. However, the leadership is not apolitical, as the organization aims to be. And the distribution of cookie funds is… interesting.

***

In summary, if you want a really good cookie, either go the Yeah Right route and bake it yourself from scratch, buy it from a local bakery (the more ethnic the better), or take a drive out to Pepperidge Farm.