Happy (Almost) Independence Day! I hope yeahright is the only one who has to work today, and that no one is cruel enough to make you have to work tomorrow.

As you may have read elsewhere on the internets, the king of 4th of July celebrations put out a public service announcement (PSA) on fireworks safety.

That got the back office of DFO thinking (could you smell the smoke?), what other NFL players, past and present, might make good spokesmen for important public service announcements. JPP isn’t the only player to have learned a valuable lesson the hard way, and maybe some would want to share those lessons with impressionable utes and the broader public. Fortunately, a few patriotic players came forward and volunteered to help inform the public on critical issues with which they have first hand (bonus JPP joke!) experience. There was some discussion of attributing who from the DFO crew suggested each spokesmen, but um, we’re going to go with anonymity to protect the not-so-innocent.  So without further ado, here are some important NFL player PSAs, and be safe this holiday weekend:

“Adrian Peterson here with an important update you may not know: playing with sticks can be dangerous to you, your income, and your image.  And also small children’s genitals.”

“I’m Warren Sapp to tell you why you should always pay hookers.”

“THE BEN TOLDED TO TELL NOT BENS TO ASK PRETTY LADY BEFORE POTTY ROOM FUNTIME”

“I’m Antonio Cromartie, reminding you to have safe sex. And maybe reference check your vasectomy doctor.”

“I’m Trent Green to tell you not to salad your jockstrap shower horsie pillow.”

“I’m Josh Gordon, and like here to tell you that MTWV has some killer smoke, bro. Wait, where am I?”

“Ryan Leaf here to tell you kids to say no to drugs. And then give them to me.”

“Me, too!”

“Art Schlichter here to remind to gamble responsibly, and by that I mean, I feel a real heater comin’ on, can you just loan me another $1000?”

“This is Michael Irving reminding you, scissors are not a toy! Use them only with intent”

“This is John Urschel telling you that alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Don’t drink and derive!”

Timeless advice from LT

“Johnny Fucking Football, and if I’ve learned anything from my time in the NFL, it’s this: Don’t listen to swans. They’re filthy liars.”

“Erin Andrews here to remind you, tape up your peephole or the world will see grainy footage of your pee hole.”

“Hi, I am Donovan McNabb here to remind you to enjoy cold medicine responsibly.”

“Yeah, with grape drank”

“Hi, I’m Jovan Belcher and…”

“Rob Bironas here. It takes a strong drive to kick the habit”

“Hi, I’m Pacman Jones and I want to remind you that strippers are people too. Or was that scripters?”

“Fridge here. Let me tell you how to overcome manorexia.”

“I’m Steve McNair, and I’m here to tell you that cheaters never prosper. I’d also like to tell you about the Angry Ho Protective Helmet System.”

“Hi. I’m Ron Mexico, and I’d like to talk to you about visiting your local clinic.”

“Suzy Kolber here reminding you to always carry mace.”

“I’m Andre Rison. Did you know the majority of American homes have fiberglass bathtubs? That’s why fire insurance is no joke.”

“Hi, I’m Rob Gronkowski reminding you to wrap it up, bro. Or was it drink responsibly? Whatever, where did you put the funnel?”

“Richie Incognito here, reminding all the boys and girls at home: don’t let yourself be bullied. Only pussies allow themselves to be bullied.”

“This is Cam Newton reminding everyone to ‘Keep it on all fours’ because rollover accidents are nothing to smile about.”

“Ray Lewis here reminding you to donate used clothing and household goods; don’t just throw that stuff away where anyone could find it.”

“This is Aaron Hernandez, and I never go anywhere without my 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. They’re even great for when you’re just hanging around.”

Alright, your turn in the comments, and I’ll see you all in hell!  Happy Fourth!