Gravy Boat Ruins Derby Day (Also Whiny Baby German Elton John)

Oh yeah, Man City can also clinch their foregone conclusion Premiership title with a home Manchester Derby win (which would be pretty fookin’ sweet for them, if not coming off a humiliating hiding in the Champions League quarters).  That will be on big NBC at 12:30, and everyone will watch.  It was supposed to be puzzle piece #2 in a thrilling treble that would put the Blue Mancs in the conversation of “Best English Side in Forevs.”

But noooooo, their shittiness, along with some typical pre-match Redshite hooliganism, had to go and cock everything up.  Hippo Darkest Timeline continues unabated, and the German Elton John has to keep whinging about having to play shit-ass little Everton (with his reserves) at lunch time, like the bitch-ass little tosser that he is.

To be able to complete his hissy fit in the style he is accustomed (to his fawning Greek chorus press), Klopp is throwing this Manchester Derby (7:30 EST, NBCSN).  Throwing it with all his weenie might.  His reserves just might be enough to at least draw Everton, so I bet on a Blue win and draw (initial bet of 6.66 Ameri-quid each, MOAR as the lines increased).  But the win spread is still less than half of what it was a week earlier when City came to Goodison.

Because Klopp is throwing the Derby and everyone knows it.  The Redshite love nothing more than condescending the Toffees, and reminding them how much they don’t matter, especially to them (“why do you hate us so much, we only hate United, our real rivals“).

Fuck you.  Fuck you right in the fuck hole.

And we don’t need Fahrad Moshiri to have the faintest scintilla of an excuse to retain Fat Fucking Sam, against all rational evidence and nigh-unanimous fan and even neutral analyst opinion.  Check out this take down:

When a team that spent over £150m on new players is steamrollered by Tottenham (0-4), Arsenal (1-5) and Manchester City (1-3), and limps to defeats against Bournemouth (1-2), Watford (0-1) and Burnley (1-2), people start noticing. They notice the lack of ambition and tactical nous, they notice a group of players devoid of belief and confidence, and they notice a manager who likes to talk about how great he is, how if his name sounded a bit more foreign he’d get bigger and better jobs, but who, in truth, is small time.

“Sam Allardyce is without doubt Everton’s most unpopular manager,” says David Downie, member of The Blue Room podcast. “Mike Walker’s woeful spell in the early 90s spares him title of ‘worst Everton manager’, but he’s been such a misfit of an appointment. Yes, he’s picked up home wins against the league’s fodder, but in regards to any hint of ambition against the team’s above us, it’s been a case of presenting the opposition with a white flag before kick-off.”

This is the polite, indoor version.  Go to nsno.co.uk on match day (especially), and you will see white hot rage at Fat Sam/Gravy Tits/That Arrogant Rotten Prick – take your pick.  And not just from, ahem, Evertonian in NC.  He is killing all that is Everton, and he is as un-Everton as could possibly get.  Negative, distrustful of young players, self-serving (dear fuck, if he gets a result today – against 8 or 9 in the Redshite XI who haven’t seen the pitch all season – he will NEVAR stop crowing about it.  He will commission a statue on his behalf.

So, yeah.  Derby Day is ruined.  I had to fucking bet on my own side to jinx it/comfort me in case we get a result.  This is the depth/toxicity of the poison.  Don’t believe me?  There’s a whole discussion of it here, and only a small handful can even gin up the enthusiasm to care at all about a win.  And nobody casts aspersions on those who fear what would happen with a result.  Everybody gets it.  Everybody is numb and punch drunk.  Even the WUMs have taken a break from fucking with people this week.

That’s “wind-up merchants” in case you were wondering.  Sort of like trolls.

In fact, I am intentionally caffeinating late on Friday night (as I type this) so I will sleep in and not be tempted to watch.

In between the Derby action, you have the disinterested handjob of 13th position Brighton and Hove v. 16th place Huddersfield (10:00, NBCSN), or the far more watchable relegation-threatened (but getting better!) Palace against coming back to draw every single week Bournemouth (10:00, CNBC).  The Cherries are in 10th position, and could easily catch Everton for that sweet, sweet 9th place moneys.

Sunday Funday’s double dip is just kind of there, with Arsenal/Soton (9:15, NBCSN) followed by Chelsea hosting West Ham in a potential upset special (11:30, NBCSN).  The Gunners are in 6th, but looking down at Burnley more than up at Chelski.  Soton are in 18th with a game in hand against other relegation fodder…but the way they’ve been playing of late, it doesn’t much matter.  They is going the fuck down, and none too soon.  David Moyes’ Hammers have clawed their way to 14th, but are in no way safe and need a win much more than “safely in 5th and staying there Chelsea.”  Remember that I said that.

FS2 is showing Bayern at Augsburg (9:20) and Schalke 04 at Hamburg SV (12:20) on Saturday.  The weaker team is at least at home, but these look like ass whoopin’s to Hippo.

BeIn has Monaco/Nantes from Ligue 1 (10:55) and Barca hosting/murdering Leganes (2:35), and that appears to be pretty much it.  I don’t see any other super cool Sunday matches that merit a preview ahead of time, anyhoo.

I am tired.  Forgot how hard this can be.  A hearty thanks to all who have picked up slack in my absence and encouraged me to try harder going forward.