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Your “Keeping Things In Perspective” Thursday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

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NFL News:

  • Cardinals CB Patrick Peterson has been suspended six games for a PED violation.  
    • A six-game suspension on a player’s first violation stems from a positive test plus an attempt to manipulate or mask the result.
      • There’s no word on what he took.
    • Also, he’s pissed at the Cardinals, because he asked them to give him a Brady – where they restructure his deal to make his salary mostly bonus & his base at $1.0 million.
      • He’s owed $11 million in base for 2019, so the suspension will cost him $3.88 million.
        • A restructure would have only cost him $353,000.
      • The Cardinals figured they didn’t owe him any favours, unlike Brady with the Patriots.
  • The Vikings might have to part ways with Kyle Rudolph soon.
    • He is owed $7.5 million for 2019, but they only have $750,000 in cap space.
      • He has refused to take a pay cut – “I am too young for that”.
    • They may trade him, but rumours are that they might have to pay a portion of his salary to make that happen.
      • Like, say – paying $2.0 million to the new team to cover the salary, in order to free up the other $5.5 million in space for signing their new guys.

FYI: You owe it to yourself to read Big Daddy Drew’s excellent Deadspin piece on what the hell happened to him. “The Night The Lights Went Out“.

I get that his writing – GQ or Deadspin – is not to everyone’s tastes, but it’s a harrowing tale of a guy nearly mistaken & dismissed for being drunk surviving a cerebral hemorrhage, a subdural hematoma from collapsing to the ground, and the recovery that’s had to go into all of that.

He’s 42; I’m 50. So, I’ll be counting my blessings & maybe not bitch so much about that papercut from earlier today.

Not for nothing, but I do enjoy how Cineplex is trying to get me to visit their overpriced VIP theatres:

It appeals to the violent alcoholic in all of us! But I still won’t pay $25 to see it.

Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Bruins at Hurricanes – 8:00PM | NBCSN / CBC
  • NBA:
    • Trail Blazers at Warriors – 9:00PM | ESPN / TSN
  • MLB:
    • Blue Jays at White Sox – 8:00PM | Sportsnet1
  • NCAA:
    • College Baseball:
      • Arkansas at Texas A&M – 7:00PM | ESPNU
      • Seton Hall at St. John’s – 7:00PM | FS1
      • Long Beach State at Cal State (Fullerton) – 10:00PM | ESPNU
  • Fútbol:
    • Women’s International Friendly Soccer: U.S. vs. New Zealand – 8:00PM | ESPN2
    • Liga MX: Club América vs. León – 9:00PM | UNI
    • MLS Soccer: Los Angeles FC vs. FC Dallas – 10:00PM | ESPN2

Solid night tonight, and Seamus has teh sexy on tap for tomorrow. It’s a three-day weekend coming up in Canada, so my half-assed weekend output will likely be quarter-assed. See you soon.

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Brick Meathook

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3
Senor Weaselo

We are very fortunate to not have Orioles-Marlins on the schedule this year. I saw the play from today. Woof. Wooooooooooooof.

0
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I am guilty as sin of snarking about Drew and making shitty comments like how I was proud to remove him from my RSS. That came from a general hate of Deadspin and Drew would get caught in the misapplied crossfire.

Saw the story linked on a long-form journalism site today, so despite my antipathy for the site that hosts him I read it earlier today. There’s usually flashes where Drew will let you in behind the curtain of dick jokes in his work but he’s never been so open for the better part of a 25 minute read.

I miss Drew, when he is on his writing is painfully adroit with experiencing something and giving an honest view of it, warts and all. I don’t care if he’s on anymore, I’m just glad he’s forming sentences.

Uncle Ed once said Daunte Culpepper was the white Warren Moon back when he did meth.

8
bk109

Eh, being snippy or snarky about an author (especially) on the internet’s par for the course and nothing to be that worried about. Hell, I’m guilty as sin about it myself when I was joking with a couple of football fans in the office that the continued success of the Pats have been taking their toll on his writing and how he’s become unreadable. Even so, not sure about everyone else, but when news first filtered out that something happened my only thought about Drew was “I hope it’s not his back or worse”, because he’d been relatively open about his health issues.
Honestly, I hope he gets better and has a long and fruitful career of infuriating, yet fun articles in front of him still to come (preferably with a little bit less politics and a lot less Deadspin-ness XD) … And also to see first-hand the Vikings go to a Superb Owl, so we can all see him channel his inner Masshole… Err… I mean arsehole… 140 characters at a time XD

0
rockingdog

Dubs win.
yooooooo

1
Senor Weaselo

Getting elementary school kids to play on stage, then conducting middle schoolers is stressful as fuck. Well, I get one more day next week to put a bow on it all.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not as much fun as putting a violin bow on their asses hard enough to leave welts, but you take what you can get.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

$25 Canadian or American?

1
Beerguyrob

Canadian, fortunately.

0
ballsofsteelandfury

That’s $18.50 USD, roughly. Was it a night show with Dolby screen and recline-able seats? That’s steep, but it seems on line with the prices here.

1
Beerguyrob

Yessir – the VIP theatre has five showings per day, plus wait service to the seats. So if I wanted to be a fancy pants, I could order that drink to my seat.

1
rockingdog

this warriors blazers game is going back and forth….

0
Sharkbait

Heres hoping history repeats. The Ice Giants went to the final the year after the last Bruins appearance.

0
King Hippo

Bahstahn and Noo Yawk trading places at the top every season? Regional Disgrace Gary Bettman just came. Like A LOT.

2
WCS

Gary Bettman is an international disgrace.

3
ballsofsteelandfury

You have inspired me to buy tickets for the Saturday matinee of John Wick 3. It was $14. I don’t want to know how much tickets were for the Friday night shows.

2
King Hippo

huzzah, so glad I don’t go to the movies no more

0
King Hippo

my mlb.tv package works out to like 72 cents per #BFIB showing, and I DON’T EVEN HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!

0
Beerguyrob

NOT A MORAN!

0
rockingdog

last funny:
Me: The belly button is nothing more than the body’s maple syrup reservoir.

IHOP Waiter: Yeah I don’t wanna bring you any more waffles.

5
WCS

Jesus wept.

1
Porky Prime

…for there were no more worlds to conquer.

SMRT.

2
SonOfSpam

Jezymandias is probably a rapper’s name or will be soon.

4
rockingdog

blazers up by 15.
yoooooo

1
scotchnaut

Well, no calls or texts from work so far. No news might just mean that we don’t have to find a solution to a problem that is 300 kilometers* away.

*for the American readership out there-300 kilometers is “Whole Buncha Miles, like, a lot!”

4
Brick Meathook

300 kilometers is Luftwaffe-speak for 186 miles in normal units.

5
Porky Prime

THE PEARL IS IN THE RIVER.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

Wait, $25 for a movie ticket AND a drink? That’s actually pretty decent!

1
Brick Meathook

That drink should be served with a bullet on the side.

2
Beerguyrob

Nope $25 for the movie; $15 for the cocktail.

0
ballsofsteelandfury

That’s bullshit.

0
BC Dick

Do you folks not bring beer into the theatre along with a half-dozen cheeseburgers?

3
Beerguyrob

Yes. I was just pointing out the advertising.

1
BC Dick

It is rather feeble. A third movie about a long-haired mannequin shooting goons is no place for a bourbon or mention of very important people.

1
LemonJello

So, if this holds up and Ice Patriots win, what are the odds Carolina just decides to go ahead and murder-death-kill Marchand?

2
Mr. Ayo

They should at least employ the strategy proactively in the 3rd period.

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

‘Canes going down.
So to speak.

1
Porky Prime

By the by, for those intrigued by the lost art of pugilism, tomorrow on Showtime (and Sky Sports for those with *ahem* legal means of free viewing,) I present for your entertainment Deontay Wilder (40-0-1, 39[!] KOs) vs Dominic Breazeale (20-1, 18 KOs). Wilder has commented that he wouldn’t mind literally killing Breazeale in the ring, and has also dubbed him an “uppity negro.”

So I for one, will be watching.

1
King Hippo

Methinks I do still have Showtime, by reason of inertia.

2
Porky Prime

“Showtime! The network you forgot was in your cable package.”

3
SonOfSpam

They used to have that one lesbian show. That was cool.

2
Porky Prime

The Lithgow season of “Dexter” was, IMHO, an all-timer.

2
Senor Weaselo

Unfortunately there was also the final season of Dexter.

1
Porky Prime

And that fight is actually on Saturday, Porky, you dumbfuck.

0
...

A guy on Twitter mildly annoyed me by doing the “I just want to debate” thing to cover up his true opinion so I flipped a coin to decide whether to block him and it came up block, so I did it. It wasn’t political, I just hate people who want to debate everything.

4
Porky Prime

I can’t be too harsh on mass debaters.

8
scotchnaut

Serious question. Why don’t you want to debate everything?

[waits for answer]

2
SonOfSpam

No you don’t.

4
theeWeeBabySeamus

So I’m still going to Baltimore this weekend/early next week.
I am not entering or going to the former tWLS’ house.
I think this is good.

But I am taking a hot black chick to dinner.

Good trade.

8
litre_cola

Did you fleece Mike Milbury in that deal?

4
Porky Prime

Just don’t tell one of those “angry” black guys…

2
Sharkbait

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3
theeWeeBabySeamus

She’s just a friend. But she likes hockey.
Black chick who likes hockey. How can I resist?

3
SonOfSpam

Two minutes for cross burning.

7
ballsofsteelandfury

This deserves more likes.

0
WCS

I’m not a woman. Or black.

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

NOW YOU TELL ME???????

0
King Hippo

I feel like I’ve taken enough Benadryl to kill an elephant, and my eyes STILL fucking itch.

TONITE in #WhitePplProblems

3
LemonJello

Live look-in at Castle Von HIppo:
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7
King Hippo

TRUE FACT! Benadryl is sommet you take to lessen the heroine/opioid withdrawal symptoms

/which are indeed prettay…prettay…prettay bad

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Dude, go to Walmart and get the drops with the orange label.

0
Sharkbait

Well, if the Bruins make the final, they’ll at least be swept:

Islanders swept Penguins
Hurricanes swept Islanders
Bruins sweep(?) Hurricanes
St. louis/San Jose sweep Bruins

3
Horatio Cornblower

I am all in for that.

3
Dunstan

That’s just science.

1
WCS

FACKIN SAWX World Series, GREATRIOTS SUPAH BOHL, and now the goddamned Bruins in the Cup Final.

I’ll be in bathroom, mixing the bleach and ammonia. All are invited.

0
Sharkbait

At least the Celtics flamed out spectacularly.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Eh, it wasn’t that spectacular.

0
King Hippo

I’m glad I decided I no longer believes in hockey.

0
litre_cola

Yes but how is your 5th division Slovenian team doing?

1
King Hippo

Domzale did me right earlier in the week, but I fucked it all away because stupid

/need SPAL/Caen/Amiens to come good this weekend

1
Senor Weaselo

There are a lot of jokes I want to make here, many of which will get me on certain lists.

0
herodotus450

For your information, even if the Bruins win the cup this year I will not be recognizing their victory in the Official Herodotus Logbook of Facts, as a result of Brad Marchand’s delinquency. It will simply be noted that there was no winner this year.

0
scotchnaut

I’ve seen your ‘Logbook’. No one is interested in the weight, girth and density of your poo.

4
King Hippo

well, not speaking for Germans obvs

1
herodotus450

Each one of those entries has the same note as the entry on Bradward: do not lick.

1
LemonJello

Godammit. Somebody tell these Hurricanes that the Bruins are a team from Puerto Rico.

11
King Hippo

NAWT FAYUH! Wheh’s ou-ah papah towels?

2
Porky Prime

The er-ah watah bawtles ah rawtting on the fackin runway!

2
Don T

The Hurricanes played with the competence and effort of FEMA.

3
theeWeeBabySeamus

Hurricanes gon’ get swept.
At home.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Good. Fuck them.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Agreed. But it’s Boston.

0
Porky Prime

I had a really, really, really, dark joke ready to post. Then I deleted it and just hugged my kids instead.

2
King Hippo

BOO THIS MAN/PIG! 😀

3
Porky Prime

I’m just pointing out that there’s been progress. I wouldn’t even have thought of the joke two years ago.

Also, it wasn’t very funny, which would have been the bigger karma crime.

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

So what’s the joke? I’m agonizing over here. Tell the fucking joke then go hug the kids again.

0
King Hippo

as long as it isn’t a Very Special Trestman Hug

4
theeWeeBabySeamus

LMFAO

0
King Hippo

you’ll get that balance right!

1
Porky Prime

On the other hand, I have started making some encouraging relationship progress.

The woman is a cancer survivor, a widow, and the mother of an autistic son.

Her DFO alias should be “Perspectiva.”

6
King Hippo

Wait, you’re Larry David?

3
litre_cola

That is excellent.

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

I fucking hate the world.

2
scotchnaut

“Not a big fan of you. I’ll give you one guess who wins out in the end…”

-The World

3
theeWeeBabySeamus

Pro Tip: Anytime you meet a girl with even just one red flag indicating potential insanity, run far, run fast, run long.

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

Because trust me, there are a shitload more red flags on the way.

0
LemonJello

Andy Reid is really confused by this concept of many red flags.

5
litre_cola

They are in these pockets somewhere – J Fisher

3
herodotus450

Interpret everything as a red flag, gotcha.

2
Horatio Cornblower

Have you considered going gay? I mean, sure the ass sex is going to be uncomfortable, but you’re probably going to be able to read the paper in peace and at this point that’s a win for you, buddy!

6
theeWeeBabySeamus

Hahahahaha.

0
Porky Prime

Two gay guys who like all the same sports teams would likely be THE BEST goddamn Superb Owl party hosts of all time.

7
Horatio Cornblower

Unless one of those teams was the Patriots.

3
Porky Prime

Well of course it would be.

1
scotchnaut

“Coma, coma, coma, coma, coma chameleon.”

-Song that won’t stop playing in Drew’s head

12
Sharkbait

Speaking of the UK, the wife and I are going to Brighton in at the end of June/first week in July. Would there be lesser footy pre-season going on?

2
King Hippo

yes, but most Prem sides will likely be playing mostly at smaller grounds

2
Beerguyrob

Not yet I suppose – more of an August thing. But they should be into the knockout round of the Women’s World Cup over in France. Methinks you’ll find a nice bar to watch it in.

2
Sharkbait

Nice, will have to check that out. A Premier League game is on my bucket list

1
Dunstan

I realize it’s a schlep from Brighton, but if you have any interest in tennis, Wimbledon will be going on the first week of July.

And the last week of June there’s a warm-up tournament in Eastbourne, which appears to be fairly close to Brighton.

2
Sharkbait

We’ll end up in Surrey at some point towards the tail end of the trip. May check out Wimbledon! Forgot it would be going on.

1
Brick Meathook

So I read Magary’s piece, and boy that thing just kept on going. There were at least three times where I thought he was wrapping up but no he continued on at length. I guess I should cut him some slack because he’s brain damaged.

10
King Hippo

goddamn, this Brick Meathook is hilarious

4
Horatio Cornblower

Same.

3
Horatio Cornblower

Slashing Brad Marchand should not be a penalty.

4
Senor Weaselo

No, it still should be. On Marchand.

1
...

So my pointless checklist of seeing the Cubs play in every stadium has been complicated by the fact they’re playing in London next year and the tickets will be $400 for a seat that isn’t shitty.

3
Sharkbait

Baseball in London is a thing now too?

0
...

The Yankees and Red Sox are playing a pair of games at the end of June as part of a two-year deal to play games over there and it’s the first time MLB has played in Europe. I knew the Cubs vs. Cardinals was one of the possibilities for 2020, but it wasn’t confirmed until today.

0
King Hippo

oh, the #BFIB are the opponent? Wanna make a side bet as to who has MOAR annoying Transatlantic supporters?

/don’t say “fan” there, he Brits HATE it

1
...

Oh, I’ll say it. I’ll get in a bar fight over who the greatest prime minister is. Then I’ll shit on Thatcher’s grave.

8
Horatio Cornblower

I’ll kick your ass myself if you say anyone other than Lord Palmerston.

5
scotchnaut

Christ! A Lord Palmerston reference yet again? Getting real tired of this, Horatio…

1
Horatio Cornblower

comment image

6
scotchnaut

There it is!

2
Horatio Cornblower

Appreciate the set-up.

1
King Hippo

oh, Ah Shat On Thatcher’s Grave is a great BOTG

3
Sharkbait

Of course its Yankees -Sox.

0
...

Of course I’m going.

0
King Hippo

just stay there, become part of the “Sky Five” 😀

– Lesser Footy #BFIB hybrid (bad) joke

0
rockingdog

found a funny:
Petition for Game of Thrones to be reshot so that everything is the same except that whenever a character gets angry a train whistle sounds and steam shoots out of their ears

4
Sharkbait

McEhlenney’s mask looks like a generic mask from EA’s NHL series.

0
...

I chuckled a little at the line that Drew’s writing might not be everyone’s style being posted a site that was an offshoot from a site where Drew wrote for years.

6
King Hippo

he betrayed our principles, notably the dedication to solely imaginary dollars

6
...

Would be grimly funny if the part of his brain damaged contained all of his KSK memories.

6
scotchnaut

“Do we contradict ourselves?

Very well then, we contradict ourselves.

We are large,

We contain multitudes.”

-Doorfliesopen

8
Ian Scott McCormick

Wife: Oh no. I.M. Pei died.
Me: I am Groot

4
scotchnaut

Urine big trouble…

4
herodotus450

More like I. Was. Pei now.

7
Sharkbait

Holy damn, reading Drew’s article. That is scary as shit. It brought back memories of my two week stint in the hospital when I broke my leg and developed severe complications from it. Extended hospital stays suck.

Also, hospitals should have bars for the family members visiting people in the hospital.

5
King Hippo

that’s why you visit the pill drawers of the nearby elderly, silly

6
herodotus450

These Bruins I call them modern materials and building codes because they are neutralizing the Hurricanes.

3
ThurberHerder

The National have a new album coming out tomorrow. So I guess they’re still around

3
Horatio Cornblower

I have never understood their appeal.

1
Porky Prime

I’m old and nerdy enough to wonder if they are named after the ill-fated sports publication of the same name.

2
Unsurprised

Drew’s story starts out fucked when the doctors just assumed he was drunk and wanted to cut him loose. I’m 99% that is why my mother’s last four months were such a clusterfuck, but at this point the only person I can blame is myself. So I’ve got that going for me.

1
scotchnaut

You didn’t listen to me last time so I’ll say it louder. Go For A Walk And Clear Your Brain.

2
Unsurprised

I just came back from one, but I’m up for another in a little bit.

2
Sharkbait

Intrigued by the John Wick cocktail. May have to sample and write about it. Just not tonight. Still hungover from a work event from last night.

2
scotchnaut

John Wick cocktail must be called “Hair of the Dead Dog That Bit You”. There are no other options.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What are we talking about here, some kind of zombie dog?

0
scotchnaut

Second-busiest day of the year today heading into the May long weekend. No calls or texts from work so far. This means that everything is running smoothly or everything has gone to shit and warehouse manager is having a meltdown. There is no in-between.

#fingerscrossed

1
LemonJello

Live look-in at Scotchy’s workplace:
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7
scotchnaut

[whispers]

“We’re splitting the insurance money, right? We had a deal!”

5
LemonJello

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4
scotchnaut

If you could use some of the money to get some breast implants, we might be on the way to making some serious money! Think about it and get back to me first thing tomorrow morning.

[makes ‘rubbing fingers together’ gesture]

2
Wakezilla

I’ve interviewed 8 people over the past 4 days and I still haven’t found anyone worth hiring. I had one person said if they had to deal with a student with any sort of disability, they’d use sock puppets. This is for a job working with adults …

Something I have been amused with: Near the middle of the interview, I ask the interviewee what super power they would have like to have. Not a difficult question, yet the terrified look on their face trying to think of something is absolutely hilarious. I’m going to guess it’s because it’s a little out of left field.

4
LemonJello

Wolverine’s regenerative powers is the only correct answer.

And I suppose there are worse things than sock puppets…

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4
Wakezilla

That’s a great answer. The only good answers I’ve heard so far is being able to fly and insta-cleaning. All the other responses have been horrendous.

1
LemonJello

My second choice would be fluency in all languages, spoken and written.

3
herodotus450

Can’t believe “Penis as big as the sun” fell to third.

2
LemonJello

How would you find pants that fit?

0
herodotus450

I’d just call up Dockers and give em the ol’ LBJ

3
Unsurprised

Why would I ever wear pants?

3
LemonJello

Avoid sunburn?

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No it’s not, telekenisis is also a correct answer. Plus, if you studied enough anatomy, you could use your telekenisis to conduct surgery on yourself, which is kind of like a healing factor anyway.

0
Beerguyrob

“If I had one wish this holiday season…”
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6
Unsurprised

/Slides the resume over

0
scotchnaut

[reads about Vikings fuckup]

[begins to formulate joke comparing them to the Browns]

[realizes that the front office of the Browns have knocked it out of the park for the last 2 1/2 years]

[cries softly to self, says under breath, “I don’t like change. Maybe…maybe it’s time to vote Conservative”…?]

1
Beerguyrob

Now now – let’s not do things one might consider rash. Andrew Scheer has the look & personality of a wilted penis.

3
Horatio Cornblower

This site turned into Canadian poulitical porn so gradually I hardly even nouticed.

7
Wakezilla

Is it just me, or does Scheer look like a pedi? For that reason alone, I can’t vote for him.

1
scotchnaut

Thing is, he’s going to be our next Prime Minister. The Trudeau backlash is strong.

1
Wakezilla

It’s truly astonishing how little the Grits accomplished in 4 years despite having a majority.

2
scotchnaut

Personality-wise, Trudeau took every last bit of ‘aggressive’ out of ‘passive-aggressive’.

4
Beerguyrob

I taught my students that he had too much of his mother & not enough of his old man in him.

2
Unsurprised

Phrasing!

(What’s the Canadian version of Pizzagate? Poutinegate?)

1
BC Dick

So it’s two children standing on top of each other in a grey suit, a pretty moron with the ethics of a barn cat, a consistently unprepared dandy with no convictions, a loudmouth headline-hunter with questionable at best candidates or… is the best choice the insane eco-criminal who just doubled the party members in one fell, only happens on Vancouver island, swoop? Why not? At least she has an ethos!

0
scotchnaut

“Why My Brain Sucks.”

-Drew Magary

8
Unsurprised

I’m sure that was the working title.

1
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