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(a.k.a. – the Tuesday Evening Open Thread – Beerguyrob)
Hello, friends. I notice that the National Football League, sometimes known as the “NFL,” is hosting their annual player selection this week, and yours truly has some thoughts. Yes, I am still dead, but my head’s cryogenic storage pod only gets NFL Network and the Oprah Winfrey Network, so this year’s Pro Days have held my attention like none of my spouses ever did.
Since there was no Combine and the living have had their brains turned to a lumpy pudding by a year of Pandemic Life, you may be unfamiliar with this year’s crop of pigskin cannon fodder. Let me give you some of my impressions:
The San Francisco 49ers traded a bushel of picks to move up and draft a quarterback, rumored to be Mac Jones. This is such a dull pick that instead of Mac the Knife, he should be called Mac the Spoon!
This year’s Draft will be held in Cleveland, which many do not know had one of the finest bus station mens’ rooms in the Western Hemisphere in 1935…
I apologize to presumptive first pick Trevor Lawrence. He is apparently NOT Fabio’s lovechild. Please dismiss your defamation suit…
Get it? Mac the Spoon?!?! Ah, to hell with you all…
Alabama’s Christian Barmore flashes the quickness to blast through gaps and close to the football, making him one of the overlooked gems of a historically-poor defensive draft class. What, you thought these were just going to be a series of insane non-sequitors?
Adam Gase: still a fucking muppet. And not in the good way…
Now I’m hearing rumors that the 49ers might draft Florida tight end Kyle Pitts, despite already having George Kittle and the demoralized corpse of Jimmy Garoppolo. Bold strategic move by likely CTE-victim John Lynch…
Philadelphia is a great city. I can’t understand why their insistence on actively alienating everyone and everything seems to drive away football talent…
In a perfect world, Pittsburgh would trade up and draft Pitts. The marketing practically writes itself…
One analyst described Kwity Paye as having “rare lower body twitch and fluidity for his size and leverages his strong hands at the point of attack, giving blockers all they can handle on the edges.” If that’s not a come-on, I’ll eat my hat…
Cornerbacks Patrick Surtain II, Jaycee Horn and Asante Samuel Jr. are all on the Cowboys draft radar. Because if Stephen Jones knows anything, it’s potential failsons…
Trey Lance has never lost a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. I don’t know if that makes it more or less likely that Nick Sirianni jumps back up in the Draft to take him…
Temecula, California- Hello!
A significant number of this year’s projected Top 20 (including the top offensive linemen and consensus top wide receiver Ja’Marr Chase) did not play last year due to COVID. If they succeed, will this help topple the NCAA?
Not many people know that Jaycee Horn was the recipient of his father Joe’s famous Cell Phone Celebration call. As a result, he will be suspended the first two games of the season for unsportsmanlike conduct…
There are too many college teams named the “Tigers”. Auburn, Clemson, LSU, Memphis, Missouri, Grambling State, Jackson State. Show some creativity!
Jayson Oweh is a 260 pound defensive lineman who ran a 4.36 40-yard dash. I haven’t seen a man that large run that fast since I told Rush Limbaugh a black man was talking to a pretty white woman across town…
Miami really did just utterly pillage Houston for draft picks…
How about “River Otters”? The LSU River Otters has a nice ring to it…
Jaylen Waddle is NOT related to Chicago Bears great Tom Waddle, despite also playing receiver. So much for being the Legacy Draft…
Betty White and Bea Arthur get all the attention, but for my money it was Estelle Getty who was 24 karat. What does this have to do with the Draft? Fuck you, that’s what…
No word on who Kansas City will take this year. Along with defensive tackles, the 2021 class looks to be thin on woman-beaters….
Temecula? Temecula, you are on the air…
Zach Wilson to New York, I guess. Next year’s quarterback class looks to be the worst since EJ Manuel, so tanking for another season is probably a bad enough idea for even the Jets to understand…
War was always here. Before man was, war waited for him. The ultimate trade awaiting its ultimate practitioner. That is the way it was and will be. That way and not some other way…
I AM FUCKING INSANE.
Check out some actual draft coverage in Horatio’s First Mock Draft here
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