CrimeBeat!: Seriously, What the S**t, Joseph Randle?

It’s C-c-c-c-c-c-Combine Week, bitches! So far, no one has gotten arrested or been struck by divine enlightenment in Indy, but it’s early, so *fingers crossed*.

In more conventional bad behavior:

Joseph Randle

CHARGE: What, do I have all day for this?

Ok, so he doesn’t fit quite so comfortably into the “Current Player” category that is usually CrimeBeat!’s bailiwick, but Joseph Randle came into last year as either 1 or 1A to Darren McFadden in Dallas and (at 24 years old) would otherwise be another retread that some team would bring into camp. Therefore, I’m going to treat him as eligible for this column, just like I will when Tim Tebow finally gets busted for making midget snuff films.

For those playing at home, this is Randle’s fifth arrest in less than 18 months, a nearly Pac-Maniacal pace that fails only in that none of the incidents (so far) involve a strip club.

Randle allegedly hit three people with his car after being asked to leave a house party. Two of them were apparently the owners of said house. Not content with attempted vehicular homicide, Randle then returned to the house and busted down the front door, whereupon he was arrested. No word as to what the argument was about, but as this was Wichita, one can be reasonably certain it was terrifyingly neutral.

Dante Fowler

CHARGE: Promoting a Foxy Boxing match without a license (Class 2 Misdemeanor in Florida, punishable by up to 60 days in the hole (giggity))

Dante Fucking Fowler, man. Does he do anything other than sit there and observe other people perpetrate violence?

You may remember Fowler from such films as Number 3 Draft Pick Tears His ACL On The First Day Of Rookie Camp and Jags Sign Number 3 Draft Pick To Fully Guaranteed Max Contract Days After He Tears His Goddamned ACL.

The Jaguars’ reigning first-round pick allegedly was with his current girlfriend and the mother of his child in the elevator lobby-ish area of an apartment building. The ladies had “beef” of some persuasion or other. Based on the surveillance video, Fowler appears to give his baby-momma the “go for it”/”be my guest”/”let me show you to your table” wave toward his girlfriend.

Or maybe it’s the other way around.

Anyway, the “Invitee” kicks off her flip-flops and goes Bloodsport on the object of her ire. The video (TMZ, of course) then goes to a series of disconnected still images, showing Fowler standing there and watching the ladies punch, wrestle and hair-pull for an undetermined (but based on the shift in the combatants’ location significant) amount of time before finally intervening.

No criminal charges have been filed, but Shad Khan’s mustache is wanted for questioning in relation to a series of high-profile wax heists.

Rob Gronkowksi

CHARGE: Solicitation, Dance Dance Crimes Against Humanity

The long-feared HantaHerpes Bioreactor known as the Gronk Party Ship allegedly set sail for the Bahamas and returned again last weekend. The guest of “honor” offered a couple in front of his DJ stage $10,000 to fuck in public. As both a concerned citizen and a Patriot-hater, I feel it should be noted that 2/3 of the people on the cruise were not Gronkites.

In addition to attempted reverse-pimping, there were a wide array of more traditional crimes committed, including both Cliche White Dancing and Cliche Douchebro Clothes.

When asked for comment, one anonymous Public Partial Nudity Aficionado called the experience “a wicked good paahhty” but “nuthin’ campayed to the hawsepahty my boys Sully, House-O and Otha Sully ah trowin’ fah Saint Patty’s Day”.