Author: The Maestro

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 6: The Healing Power of Death

The Maestro -
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Good morning. We're four days from the Super Bowl! We're also five days away from my favorite day on the calendar: the day the bodies start piling up in my office again. The, uh, alive ones, that is. Yes. Alive. Let's go with that. I don't deal with the dead

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 5: Malaria and Syphilis – No Longer a Sophie’s Choice!

The Maestro -
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Good morning. You're back again? Talk about bad luck. What is it this time? A burning sensation, you say? Front side, or back? Oh, yeah. I had that one too. I think a certain Chargers cornerback from a while ago had it a few times as well - though due to

So Long, Tom: Your Tuesday Night Open Thread

The Maestro -
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It's finally official. In light of the leaks, nobody's really that surprised this time around. Tom Brady is now officially retired from the National Football League. He entered as an unknown sixth-round draft pick, and left as the greatest player in the history of the sport. While it's true that I am

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 4: Cestoda and You – Man’s Real Best Friend!

The Maestro -
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Good morning, patient. Please forgive me if I'm a bit unfocused today... I'm rather hungover. Yes, I know the Divisional Round was four days ago. I see your charts are saying you're complaining of nausea and headaches... are you a Bills fan, by any chance? I see. Yes, I'd be sick

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 3: Breakfast Cereal and the Anti-Onanism Lifestyle

The Maestro -
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Good morning. Dr. Chao is in. Thank you for your visit. I've just looked over your charts here, and I see that the reason for your visit is... hmm... "Abrasions due to tightly tying a bandana around your wing-wang following a dramatic playoff win." As your physician, I'm going to

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 2: How Yoga Is Rotting Your Brain

The Maestro -
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Good morning! Thank you for stopping by for your weekly checkup with me. I trust you've paid up front already? Good. I've got a lot of work to do to finish eating this bottle of Vicodin today, so why don't you grab a few for yourself and sit down with

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 1: How to Become Immortal Through Using Mercury

The Maestro -
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Hi, everybody! I’m Dr. David J. Chao. You may know me from Twitter as ProFootballDoc, where I give insight on potential player injuries as I watch game action in real time. You may also potentially know me for my scandal-filled years as the team doctor for the San Diego Chargers,

Bye Week Update: New England Patriots

The Maestro -
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[INT. - Natick Mall Christmas display. Despite the ongoing COVID pandemic, we see lines of happy shoppers, as well as a gaggle of small children eagerly awaiting their chance to meet Santa Claus.] SULLY THE ELF: Listen up all youse kids! Santa's just runnin' a couple minutes behind sched but should