DFO Bible Stories: The Ten Commandments

1I am the Lord your God. You shall have no other gods before Me.

gold shield

 

2You shall not make for yourself a carved image.

Heisman-Trophy-jpg_1101248_ver1.0_1280_720

 

3You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.

 

4Remember the Sabbath day. In it you shall do no work.

"No work on Sundays? Got it. Mondays too, right?"
“No work on Sundays? Got it. Mondays too, right?”

 

5Honor your father and your mother.

kolber

 

6You shall not murder.

You knew this was coming.
You knew this was coming.

 

7You shall not commit adultery.

gty_tom_brady_gisele_bridget_SPLIT_kb_150130_4x3_992

 

8You shall not steal.

story-year
Two for two

 

9You shall not lie.

tom-brady
Going for the trifecta?

 

10You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.

Oh for fuck's sake, Tom
Oh for fuck’s sake, Tom

 

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montythisseemsstrangetome
Monty this seems strange to me The movies had that movie thing But nonsense has a welcome ring And heroes don’t come easy
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ALXMAC

Arcade Fire – “Afterlife” – Live at the YouTube Music Awards

https://youtu.be/tBTTd0gfkn0

Sill Bimmons

How the laws from Exodus 20 cited here became known as “The Ten Commandments” is quite baffling, as there is no mention of them having been engraved in stone to replace the broken tablets and YHWH does not specifically call them “The Ten Commandments” — two conditions that must be met for Ten Commandmentness.

The actual Ten Commandments show up a little later in Exodus 34.

Moses is told to hew the tablets to replace the broken ones: “And the Lord said unto Moses, Hew thee two tables of stone like unto the first: and I will write upon these tables the words that were in the first tables, which thou brakest (Ex 34: 1).”

YHWH restores the covenant broken with the original tablets because he really hates whores:

“Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice; And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods (Ex 34: 15-16).”

Let’s see what that covenant says.

Commandment I: “Thou shalt make thee no molten gods (Ex 34:17)” Fair enough. He’s on top of that one in Exodus 20.

Commandment II: “The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep (Ex 34: 18).” Hmmm. Don’t remember that one.

Commandment III: “All that openeth the matrix is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether ox or sheep, that is male (Ex 34:19)” Uh, the Matrix? Is Yahweh Morpheus or Neo?

Commandment IV: “But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem him not, then shalt thou break his neck. All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And none shall appear before me empty (Ex 34: 20).” So break your donkey’s neck if you don’t have a lamb to sacrifice to Yahweh to redeem the donkey. Solid advice for modern living, these Ten Commandments.

Commandment V: “Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest: in earing time and in harvest thou shalt rest (Ex 34: 21).” That also looks familiar. 2/5 so far.

Commandment VI: “And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, of the firstfruits of wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year’s end (Ex 34: 22).” Raise your hand if you’ve ever even heard of “the feast of weeks.” Didn’t think so.

Commandment VII: “Thrice in the year shall all your menchildren appear before the Lord God, the God of Israel. (Ex 34:23).” Not even possible anymore as there is no Temple in Jerusalem.

Commandment VIII: “Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven; neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of the passover be left unto the morning (Ex 34:25).” This means you’re not supposed to eat leavened bread during Passover and you are not to leave anything over from the Passover meal.

Commandment IX: “The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the Lord thy God (Ex 34:26)” YHWH NEEDS TO EAT

Commandment X: “Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother’s milk (Ex 34: 26.)” That means don’t boil baby goats in their mother’s milk. That should be obvious to anyone reading this, but there’s always somebody who needs clarification.

So there they are: The Ten Commandments. How do I know? THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO:

“And the Lord said unto Moses, Write thou these words: for after the tenor of these words I have made a covenant with thee and with Israel. And he was there with the Lord forty days and forty nights; he did neither eat bread, nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, THE TEN COMMANDMENTS (emphasis mine) (Ex 34: 27-28.”

Go ahead, take a look around the ol’ Bible and see if there’s another mention of “THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.” I’ll save you the trouble: there isn’t.

These bible-thumping idiots are so ignorant of their own book that they don’t even know what their own Ten Commandments really are.

So go forth and spread the word!

USE 2% TO BOIL YOUR BABY GOATS OR ELSE

Sharkbait

Any truth to the rumor there were originally 15?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXeTsWGPT0w

Sill Bimmons

HAR YHWH GON SMITE YOUR HEATHEN ASS NOW

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They rock out with baby goats?

http://www.seether.com/

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Sill Bimmons

This guy counts 776 in the Torah, 1587 in the whole thing.

The is the hottest Maimonides take you’re ever likely to read, so proceed with caution.

http://dwindlinginunbelief.blogspot.com/2016/01/maimonides-was-wrong-and-dishonest.html

http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/thebook/sabcropped.jpg

ALXMAC

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Sill Bimmons

Even Christians aren’t that dumb.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I think the Venn diagram has a portion in the That Dumb area.

Unsurprised

Well, then it can’t be religious if it isn’t in the Bible.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

There are people in my very office who would say that.

SonOfSpam

Look, if President Obama won’t say “Tom Brady is a goatfucker” then how can we ever hope to beat the Patriots?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am like 90% sure he said that in his last State of the Union address

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I am sure I heard that except he used “fornicates with goats.”

To which Gisele said “He can’t fuck the goat and be the goat at the same time!”

To which Bill Simmons said “He is The GOAT, no. one. denies. this.”

Wakezilla

I still can’t believe the Brady/Gisele relationship began because she went out in the media and questioned Tommy’s sexuality when she said something along the lines of ‘if Brady was straight, why is he “with” a B level actress when he could have any top level model(s) he wanted. We sure he’s playing on the right team?’

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Just lost my train of tho…………….

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

……………………………..

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Thank God there’s nothing in those ten about “HATE”. Cause man did I find a new person to hate.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/ryan-holiday/2013/06/25-rules-for-living-from-a-semi-successful-26-year-old/

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is a guy who got a tattoo of his own fucking book title. Which he credits for helping the Patriots win the Superbowl.

Sill Bimmons

When I get my book published I’m at least getting the title initials woven into a tramp stamp.

ALXMAC

(assumed it would be an #UpForWhatever blogger; not sure it isn’t)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean, I’m sure he’d cash the check, then use it to buy some paleo-friendly artisanal beer.

Sharkbait

Holy shit I want to hit that guy in the face with a tire iron.

jjfozz

Can we sponsor a one-on-one tournament with him and Draymond Green? Please?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“All I can say is that they work.”

For you. They work for you. And if I see you trying to cut me in line, I’m going to call your ass out for thinking that you’re more important than everyone else in said line.

Sill Bimmons

“This is embarrassing but I remember checking into my first hotel as an adult, during college probably, and getting assigned to room 1214 or something and actually thinking for a second: ‘How am I supposed to know what floor that’s on?’ All I’m saying is that it would have been really nice if one of my parents, during the several dozen times we’d stayed in a hotel as a child, had taken two seconds to say, ‘Hey six year old, this is how this whole system works.’ You know, instead of hoping I observed everything (which in the case of the elevator thing, I probably should have but clearly did not).”

He…he admitted to this…

If he ever leaves the country he’s completely fucked. The ground floor/first floor thing will certainly explode his brain.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

At least when I have those kinds of “revelations” that make me feel like an idiot (and believe me, they happen all the time) I don’t look to cast the blame on my fucking parents.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Time to use this as fuel for my workout. I’m about to turn the weight room into the HATE room.

Don T

There were more than three that were straight “No fucking way you goddamn douche”. The line cutting one was grating, but this took the cake:

“Never correct someone’s pronunciation of a word with the more appropriate ethnic accentuation. Only small people care that much about grammar or pronunciations.”

Names are words. Only subservient asses would not demand correct pronunciation or spelling of their own name. Put the fucking tilde, don’t demand a hyphen when using both of yet parents name–hey, us Latin folks use both. Fuck your style guide; why dontcha honor your mom, instead of being taken aback by my “uppittyness” in demanding to have you use my name CORRECTLY?

Jesus, how shallow do you have to be to be offended by a correction on “ethnic” grounds. MY IGNORANCE AND LACK OF CULTURE SHOULD BE UNPERTURBED!11!!

Yeah I’ve had this argument before. Same position always, mixed results.

Sill Bimmons

IT’S PAH-KEE-STAHN GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Apparently it’s OK to rape and own slaves to.

ballsofsteelandfury

I do love these DFO Bible Stories!

Horatio Cornblower

Well, Darren McFadden is already out. Broke his elbow and had surgery because of some incident at his house over Memorial Day.

Per ESPN just now.

I liked the Ezekiel Elliott pick before, love it now.
/Elliott shatters femur slipping in the shower
FUCK!!!!!

Sharkbait

McFadden curse used Long Con. It’s super effective.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

The house behind me is repainting, the first coat looked mildly purple, the second one is just blatantly purple. And the painters are on a break singing this while listening to their radio

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkfkJCyqCBc

*I couldn’t find the actual song that was worse, I went with janitor song from Parks

** The house looks pretty good, out of place in our bland neighborhood but they picked a good color

Horatio Cornblower

I painted my house a bright blue, because I hate boring houses. My wife is convinced it’s purple, because she is color-blind.

I have offered to paint the house purple to show her the difference.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am colorblind. The house is getting painted purple. Thats how i know how purple it is. Sidestepping, I think bright blue is a great color for a house though.

Sill Bimmons
Unsurprised

There’s more than one?

Beerguyrob

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laserguru

16 and 16 only.
Same color issue here.

Sill Bimmons

Resolution must not be high enough.

16 57 6
29 42 7
10 2 5

See if you can find them now that you have confirmation bias working.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Just curious; are you guys looking at it from your phones? All nine are visible on my pooder screen. For me the hardest to read is the 42.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

One time my wife accused the painters of painting two different walls (that joined in a corner) subtly different colors in our bathroom.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m pretty sure she’s right.

SonOfSpam

We had weird churchy people on our street paint their house light blue…including the chimney. Which was weird. Thankfully they moved (KANSAS of course) and the new owners painted the chimney white as God intended.

ArmedandHammered

Must not have an HOA.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

You joke but I wouldn’t put it against one of the assholes living here to start one

ArmedandHammered

Not joking, ours isn’t too bad, they do limit some choices, but they actually work with you and make good suggestions, but I will never buy another house which in an area with an HOA due to past experiences.

Senor Weaselo

I feel like soccer’s “Is this a catch?” is “Is this a cardable offense?”

Horatio Cornblower

That’s a good analogy. Especially because the referees in both sports appear to make up their responses as they go along.

Sill Bimmons

I would also compare it to pass interference.

jjfozz

Thou shall not trade thy Super Bowl ring for a can of sardines, a half empty bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 and a half eaten Big Mac.
http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/ed-reed-advice-for-how-to-beat-patriots-pray.jpg

Horatio Cornblower

I see the Hungarian fans behind the goal are a bunch of muscled young guys with shaved heads, tattoos and black T-shirts.

Nothing can go wrong there!

SonOfSpam

Probably just Depeche Mode fans who work out.

Wait…Depeche Mode fans don’t work out.

Wakezilla

Neo-w, I do Nazi a problem here. They look comfortable in their brown jackets. ..

Brocky

It’s a real shame that one of society’s most heinous crimes isn’t better represented in the ten commandments.

Because honestly, the dfo wall of shame just doesn’t seem complete without this picture:

http://203ffb812590c503d73f-e087a9513984a31bae18dd7ef8b1f502.r70.cf1.rackcdn.com/2296405_e9b41cdb_m.jpeg

Beerguyrob

The angle and the smile make him look like Vicki Lawrence without the Mama wig.

http://s1.ticketm.net/tm/en-us/dbimages/125997a.jpg

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I like how for every male Stanford swimmer that letterman’s S just became a scarlet fucking letter.

blaxabbath

Cardinal Letter

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I thought “Cardinal Letter” referred to the invitations that are sent out every spring to Boston’s top altar boys for the archdiocese’s private lake house retreat in July.

Cuntler

I thought the Cardinal letters were DUI.

SonOfSpam

That’s a scarlet fucking-without-consent latter.

Unsurprised

That is practically endorsed in the Pentateuch.

Sill Bimmons
Senor Weaselo

Eating the remnants of a Godiva chocolate cheesecake for we’ll call it brunch falls under gluttony, right?

blaxabbath

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Horatio Cornblower

Off-topic but I’m working from home and watching the Hungary-Austria UEFA game.

Which is the least-offensive neo-Nazi-like country to root for?

Sharkbait

I’ve got it on at work. Either way, if someone dies, we might have another world war on our hands.

Senor Weaselo

Winner gets the remains of Franz Ferdinand, right? I meant the archduke, but the band may also suffice.

Don T

Loser gets every album by Franz Ferdinand album after the eponymous first and You Could Have It So Much Better. Oh the suck.

Covalent Blonde

Meteor seems like too much. Comet? Is comet an option to root for?

Senor Weaselo

Comets don’t normally crash to earth though.

SonOfSpam

She was talking about the cleaning product.

Beerguyrob

Root for Hungary, because the goalie is 44 and wearing old-man pants.

Wakezilla

It’s Hungary, as they declared war on the Nazi’s in 1944. (See: Poorly written Hungary preview below this thread)

Sharkbait

I feel like the Canadian version of the Old Testament would be a lot less torture-y and a lot more apologetic.

blaxabbath

The Canad10n Commandments

    Charleston Heston: “Let my people go!”

    Canadian Pharaoh: “Sure thing, pal! And don’t forget to take some of our fine maple syrup for your travels!”

    Charleston Heston: “Thanks buddy!”

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Excellent work, but I will now have to go find a God damnit Donald vid because the one you posted isn’t working

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

And now it is working again. Ignore me

blaxabbath

God damn it, Leeroy!

Senor Weaselo

At least he had chicken.