Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 48)

Beastmode Ate My Baby - September 16, 2016September 15, 2016

The scene: Future Moose's future palace bedchamber. It's pretty opulent. And by “pretty opulent,” I mean it's yuuuge. Like, seriously big. Think of the house you grew up in, add in your first three apartments, and you're close. I mean, there's a tennis court in here. Full-size, mind you. Hard

Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 47)

Beastmode Ate My Baby - September 9, 2016September 8, 2016

The scene: The DFO clubhouse, hours after the NFL Opening Day game. The DFOers are still partying hard, because football is back! And also because most of them haven't been in the same place since last Moosemas. There's drinking, and dancing...well, not so much dancing. Most of the members are

HRTN Opening Day Special

Beastmode Ate My Baby - September 8, 2016September 6, 2016

The scene: Out front of the DFO clubhouse. DFO prospect Cookiethulhu is busy sweeping up the street when Beerguyrob comes out of the clubhouse with a six-pack of beer. Cookiethulhu: I think that's it, sir. The street looks quite orderly now, I must say. Beerguyrob (motioning Cookiethulhu over): Good job, kid. I've

An Open Letter to New DFO Visitors

BrettFavresColonoscopy - September 6, 2016September 2, 2016

Open letters are all the rage these days. There's even the open letter to open letters. Someday soon I'll write an open letter to Apple about my iPhone autocorrecting kegger to legged or letter. Here at [DFO], we've noticed a slight uptick in traffic lately and expect (read: hope) that

Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 46)

Beastmode Ate My Baby - September 2, 2016September 1, 2016

The scene: An empty road somewhere in the Midwest, where Future Moose recently ran someone over. That someone is now biting Moose on the arm. It seems pretty fair, all things considered. Ballsofsteelandfury (approaching): Hey, what the hell...? Future Moose (sighing as the man continues to bite at his outstretched arm): Well... Ballsofsteelandfury

To Bear Down or Not To Bear Down

Team Previews

BrettFavresColonoscopy - September 1, 2016August 30, 2016

That is the question. At the risk of stating the obvious, football is awesome. The hitting, the strategy, the fresh grass underfoot as your team of choice takes the field in that late summer warmth--they all fill you with excitement, anticipation, and joy. Yet there is a key ingredient required to

Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 45)

Beastmode Ate My Baby - August 26, 2016August 24, 2016

The scene: Somewhere in the Midwest. At night. On a deserted road. It's kind of spooky. It's even spookier because there's a body in the road. I mean, that's never good. Sitting in the car that just ran the poor guy over are Future Moose, Ballsofsteelandfury, Low Commander of the

Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 44)

Beastmode Ate My Baby - August 19, 2016August 18, 2016

The scene: Somewhere in the Midwest. Future Moose is driving his new car...which isn't really new. In fact, it's kind of old. And a bit leaky. It might creak a little bit when it brakes. And the exhaust fumes when it accelerates might just be a global warming tipping point.

Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 43)

Beastmode Ate My Baby - August 12, 2016August 11, 2016

The scene: The John Tyler Junior High Dungeons & Dragons club. A young Percival Po sits behind his Dungeon Master screen, rolling a variety of polyhedral dice. Also playing are young Marc Trestmans Windowless Van, Brocky and Old School Zero. Young Po: You reach the end of the corridor...what do you

Tear Out Your Tongue

DFOing Good

jjfozz - August 8, 2016

110

I’m tired of talking. To everyone. Friends, coworkers, neighbors, children – those little heathens don’t pay attention anyway. The conversations we have are so goddamn mundane (25 cents word that I somehow remembered from SAT prep. I spent a lot of that class buzzed, trying to get into the pants of

Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 42)

Beastmode Ate My Baby - August 5, 2016August 4, 2016

The scene: Mrs. Grigsby's third-grade class. Young Percival Po is standing at the front of the classroom, showing off his robot drawing for show & tell. Young Po: This is my robot...he's made of a special titanium alloy that you can only make in space, an' he's got a flame-thrower for

Conflicted Feelings About Confusing Shit

jjfozz - August 1, 2016August 1, 2016

Christmas is almost here. And I don’t mean that fucking bullshit holiday where I spent a million dollars on gifts and hear my kids say, “Is that all?” on a Christmas morning that is witness to a thudding headache and dry mouth – because the holiday season calls for bourble. Nope,