Bye Bye, Kissing Suzy Kolber

A long, long time ago

I can still remember how those dick jokes used to make me smile

And I knew if I created an account

That I could make those komments count

And maybe make the Komments of the Week

But first Big Daddy Drew went packing

When Matt left, the mailbag’s lacking

Sexy Friday has left

I wouldn’t see one more breast

 

I can’t remember my mouth agape

When I read the tweet from Christmas Ape

But something left me in bad shape

The day the dick jokes died

 

So bye, bye, Kissing Suzy Kolber

What will become of the site now, I’m really not sure

And them good ol’ boys and even sometimes a girl

Sayin’ Roger Goodell’s worse than Hitler

Roger Goodell’s worse than Hitler

 

Did you write a Trent Green joke

And did you make fun of fat hump Colts

If the joke was sitting there?

Now do you believe in the Jeff George Least

Do you remember the Sean Taylor Meast

And can you handle Skittle-takes from Beef Moe?

Well I know that Aaron Rodger’s straight

‘Cause I saw him pictured on a date

Some folks they saw a beard

Maybe Olivia Munn’s just weird

 

Eli’s a pre-schooler playing quarterback

And he’s got Tom Brady by the sack

But I knew I wouldn’t be coming back

The day the dick jokes died

 

I started singing bye, bye Kissing Suzy Kolber

What will become of the site now, I’m really not sure

Them good ol’ boys and even sometimes a girl

Sayin’ Roger Goodell’s worse than Hitler

Roger Goodell’s worse than Hitler

 

Now for nine years we’ve been cracking wise

And for that, Janay apologized

But that’s not how it’s supposed to be

When NFL Memes started making waves

With a cartoon that they stole from Dave

And some jokes that came from you and me

 

Oh just long enough for a girl to blink

Darren Sharper had spiked her drink

His courtroom sentence came

But he’ll still be Hall of Fame

 

And while the Sex Cannon’s going deep

Rex Ryan’s ogling someone’s feet

And we watched Too Many Cooks on repeat

The day the dick jokes died

 

We were singing bye, bye Kissing Suzy Kolber

What will become of the site now, I’m really not sure

Them good ol’ boys and even sometimes a girl

Sayin’ Roger Goodell’s worse than Hitler

Roger Goodell’s worse than Hitler

 

Wars fought over girl scout cookies

The trolls acting like naïve rookes

Nat Turner and Underball

They got under CBQUE’s skin

A flawa no one ever wins

With Otto suddenly nowhere at all

 

Now at halftime Dorito Dink lets out the air

While Brady is “generally aware”

We all could give a shit

Oh, but the coverage won’t quit

‘Cause Dreamboat won’t give up his phone

The media can’t leave it alone

Reasonable fans made Spilly moan

The day the dick jokes died

 

He started singing bye, bye Kissing Suzy Kolber

What will become of the site now, I’m really not sure

Them good ol’ boys and even sometimes a girl

Sayin’ Roger Goodell’s worse than Hitler

Roger Goodell’s worse than Hitler

 

Oh, and there we were all in komments

A kommunity with much more sense

Than PFT could hope to form

So come on, make it snow, and OSZ

Horatio, Cuntler, and Vontaze-Me

‘Cause if your not with us theirs teh door

 

Oh and as I read the Bud Light post

I laughed and tweeted Sam a joke

But no more the post would stay

Uproxx took it away

 

And as the komments vanished one by one

Deleting Moose’s gifs and puns

I saw this was no longer as much fun

The day the dick jokes died.

 

I was singing bye, bye Kissing Suzy Kolber

What will become of the site now, I’m really not sure

Them good ol’ boys and even sometimes a girl

Sayin’ Roger Goodell’s worse than Hitler

Roger Goodell’s worse than Hitler

 

I found some guys had a new site

I checked out KSK Kommenters on the Side

It was Balls of Steel and RTD.

It turned into Door Flies Open

DTZM helped run this little gem

And the men there said the dick jokes here would be.

 

And on the web, the trolls still scream

The spambots spam and the bloggers meme

But no takedown of PK.

We’ll never ASK SOMEBODAAAAAY

 

And the writers who began the task

Like Ufford, Drew, Ape, and Maj

They have more than earned their badge

The day the dick jokes died

 

And they were singing bye, bye Kissing Suzy Kolber

What will become of the site now, I’m really not sure

And them good ol’ boys and even sometimes a girl

Sayin’ Roger Goodell’s worse than Hitler

Roger Goodell’s worse than Hitler

 

They were singing bye, bye Kissing Suzy Kolber

What will become of the site now, I’m really not sure

Them good ol’ boys and even sometimes a girl

Sayin’ Roger Goodell’s worse than Hitler

0 0 votes
Article Rating
montythisseemsstrangetome
Monty this seems strange to me The movies had that movie thing But nonsense has a welcome ring And heroes don’t come easy
Subscribe
Notify of
58 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Lothar of the Hill People

Goddamn go through 20 fucking steps to register, make an account, log in, then get told “an administrator has to approve your account.”

Then press the stupid “log on with WordPress” button and think, “wait, am I not logging on TO WordPress?” Then go through 20 fucking more steps to remember my old WordPress account, change my username and gravatar so it looks like the KSK version of me, and suddenly, here I am.

And then find out Otto is still missing.

blaxabbath

Hold up — waaaaaiiitttt.

So Friday is my typical zone-out at work and catch up on KSK commenting day. However, since my crown popped off last week, I was spending Friday morning driving 100 miles to my dentist (read: friend who is an excellent dentist and he doesn’t charge me so I recommend everyone to him) and, as I was booking down I-10, weaving around semis and Priuses (because neither should be outside the right lane!) going about 95MPH in a wind/rain/dust storm, I decided to check my Facebook. It was there that I saw Ape was stepping down. I read about half the article, thought “Hmmm, good for him. He is the kind of guy who would step down after dealing with Uproxx — and, frankly, having to deal with all the kommenters making a point to attack Uproxx and their sponsors.” I figured I would write him a short DM this weekend and, I don’t know, maybe keep following the site or maybe not. RT Deadly recently introduced me to DFO and I’ve enjoyed lurking here for a few weeks so I was glad to have a new landing spot set up.

I helped my brother move on Saturday morning (“Oh yeah, we gotta walk everything up to the third floor. In Phoenix. In the middle of the day. In one of our eleven humid days a year.”), ate, then got blazed and laid around all day. So, fast forward to this morning when I see that pretty much the whole staff is taking a hike. Per above, I’m not heartbroken about the situation as much as I am for the writers (assuming they enjoyed the gig — until, you know, the last straw) but, seriously, what happened? I mean, I read the posts but does anyone have any details?

Duchess

All I can do is infer. The writers were pissed that Uproxx really didn’t give a crap about KSK. The writers were rightfully enjoying what they were doing and decided to walk instead of turning KSK into WarmingGlow by making all there posts lists or “check out what was on the front page of Reddit today!”.

However, there are whispers in the wind if you listen very closely that something is on the way from Ape and folks. All of their twitters have basically said something of “taking a month off” so I don’t know if there was a specific non compete clause or everyone just taking a vacation.

I do not have any inside information… just a guy who is #upforwhatever

KidFlash

Outstanding.

CBQUE

HOW THE FUCK YA DOIN BOYS!!!! Nat Turner never got under my skin. Underball? Yeah that mutha fucker got to me. Oh FUCK UPROXX!!!

Covalent Blonde

HEEEEEYYYYYYY!!!! How ya’ doing, CBQUE? Maybe we all just hated Nat Turner in the same way Underball enraged you. Whatever. Monty included you in a song. Now that is impressive!

CBQUE

Agreed more than my heart could’ve asked for. I tried to upload my Otto Orange why didn’t it work? Does it take some time for your profile to do it? Let’s keep the band together forever. Oh FUCK UPROXX!!!!

acmegoesboom

For years I sat, crouched in the tree just outside KSK’s window, looking through the glass at all the fun being had. Jokes flying around, pillow fights, hands placed in cups of warm water. Admittedly, I touched myself. I always said, “I should join in and comment; they seem like swell folks.” But I never mustered up the guts and put it off to long and now it’s TOO LATE!
Today I say NO MORE! after reading (singing) the absolute masterpiece Monty wrote above. You all made the site what it was and, if it’s alright, I’d like to press on with you all.

CBQUE

Welcome. All of us degenerates are glad to have you.

Duchess

Drunks, Romofans, kountrymen, lend me your ears;
I come to bury KSK, not to praise him.
The dick jokes that men do lives after them;
The content driven posts is oft interred with their archives;
So let it be with KSK. The noble Uproxx
Hath told you KSK was profane:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath KSK answer’d it.
Here, under leave of Uproxx and the rest–
For Uproxx is an honorable site;
So are they all, all honorable sites–
Come I to speak in KSK’s funeral.
It was my friend, faithful and just to me:
But Uproxx says he was profane;
And Uproxx is an honorable site.
He hath brought many dick jokes to us all
Whose PK take downs with coffee notes doth fill:
Did this in KSK seem profane?
When that the kommentators have cried, KSK hath wept:
Profane should be made of vulgar stuff:
Yet Uproxx says he was profane;
And Uproxx is an honorable site.
I komment not to disprove what Uproxx spoke,
But here I am to komment what I do know.
You all did love KSK once, not without cause:
What cause withholds you then, to mourn for him?
O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their sexy Friday. Beardown with me;
My heart is in the coffin there with KSK,
And I must pause till it come back to me.

Covalent Blonde

De nada.

Don T

Two days removed from “The Circumstances”, I feel like a young boy whose mother died, but his step-dad Liam Neesim bought him a drum kit to court the girl he likes. In short, it sucks, but the present looks very very promising. And The Universe still owes me a Bill Nighy full frontal.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brick Meathook
Croooow

Damn, this is beautiful.

Old School Zero

Hall of fame.

kushiro

Man, that was beautiful!

I can’t believe what’s happened. I take a day or two off the internet and KSK done blew up. So very bereft, but I’m relieved to find you all here (I literally never knew this place existed).

Covalent Blonde

How the fuck are you doing? Welcome! WCS already spilled lasagna on the carpet, but take a look around… maybe sign up to do a season preview of the Titans or whatever!

kushiro

Thanks for the welcome. I haven’t been around KSK too much since the rivebrog, but I missed everyone (especially you, because you reply to my comments. Also, you’re funny.)

I probably won’t do a preview, but I’m always game to make random comments about unrelated hockey games and dumb jokes.

Now to figure out how to change my damn avatar thing.

Covalent Blonde

Odd how that is the general reaction that one has towards a preview of the Titans…

Lucky for you that you could correct your avatar. Some of the WordPress monsters will grow on you over time, such as Horatio’s tarted-up-whore or Croooow’s hairy-female-reproductive-system.

It’s great to see you here! Darkest Timeline Zach Morris is kicking ass trying to get us a rivebrog functional for the season to presumably facilitate banter about the new AHL-style adjustments to NHL OT!

Croooow

Hahahaha. I did change my avatar when I first got here, but it hasn’t converted yet.

You may need to use gravatar for it to work.

kushiro

Yes, this is indeed the case. I had to sign in to Gravatar, by which I mean I had to register for WordPress.com, which by the way is not WordPress.org (which we are on now?), THEN get onto Gravatar and add an avatar to my email address, meaning the same address as the one I used to register here.

Next thing I know, by which I mean after refreshing and waiting and refreshing for about 20 minutes, there was tiny struttin’ Dinklage up there in the right corner.

Spanky Datass

Now you have me wondering if my avatar change stuck .. let’s see.

Spanky Datass

Yes, it did stick. Welcome back pre-uproxx anonymous kneeling donkey!

Horatio Cornblower

I tried changing it several times, and in fact on my profile it comes up as something else.

I have, however, become quite fond of my tarted-up-whore.

Brocky

I couldn’t remember the tune until i remembered ” the saga begins”

Still, great work son

Infinite Jets

THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE, SON

whorootbeerdatbe

BRB, submitting this to the best covers post.

laserguru

This made me laugh and cry.
It made me laugh,
it made me dance
it made me shit my pants.

Nice job Monty!

Senor Weaselo

Excellent, excellent work Monty. You’ve outdone yourself, and I guarantee I’m not the only one who sang the whole thing.

laserguru

I sang it from start to finish.

Why Thank You Eddie

Is that you John Wayne? Is this me?

Horatio Cornblower

KSK has gone and we need to accept that and lay off the eulogies.

Unless it’s as good as this one, because this was fucking genius. That’s a gauntlet I won’t be picking up. Excellent work Monty.

/slaps Monty on the ass, HARD.

Horatio Cornblower

Glad you did. This was awesome.

Spanky Datass

I was contemplating a “Pretty Maids All In A Row” (Eagles/Joe Walsh) version last night but I got drunk instead and now can’t remember the “great” ideas I had. Oh well.

http://sr1.wine-searcher.net/images/labels/62/40/10396240.jpg

Duchess

Someone tweet this to Ape and the rest because it is a thing of beauty.

Cuntler

This makes me happy.

http://i.imgur.com/D9p4vZx.gif

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

comment image

Duchess

Modonna would be proud of this cover…

Duchess

Madonna even

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

SOME of us have an edit button. SOME of us appear undeserving. No big deal; I always get it write the first time.

http://36.media.tumblr.com/c4c48d3c8ef8f20d3b745b9d448da3fe/tumblr_nkf1l1HdY81r4ro7yo1_1280.png

Covalent Blonde

Outfuckingstanding!

Duchess
ballsofsteelandfury

Holy shit that was awesome! Excellent job!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You know who else was worse than Hitler?

Horatio Cornblower

New School Zero?

Seriously dude, quit bogarting the beer!

Senor Weaselo

Don’t tell him, but all the beers he’s been stealing have actually been the Beer that Shall Not Be Named. I switched the labels on the bottles.

laserguru

you sly dog

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

UPROXX did have some good ideas.