Scene: F.B.I. Headquarters. Inside several agents are meeting with local law enforcement about a new gang taking the country by storm.
FBI Director: So, men, tell me what you’ve got on these…what are their names again?
Agent #1: Door Flies Open, sir. We have no idea what it means.
Agent #2: But we do know they’re bad news, sir…bad news.
Agent#1: That’s right, sir. But at great risk and significant cost to our men, we were able to gain custody of a set of their gang colors. I’ve got to warn you, sir, it isn’t pretty.
FBI Director: All right, all right, enough drama. Let’s see the thing.
Agent #1 opens the closet and takes out the denim vest. He hesitates, then turns it around.
FBI Director: Gah! That’s…that’s hideous! Good lord, I never even imagined… And that..that thing in the middle…what is it?
Agent#2: We don’t know for certain, sir, but they seem to worship it.
FBI Director: This bunch of hoodlums disturbs me more & more. What else have we got on them?
Agent #1: Well, sir, we have some of their achievement patches. We don’t know what they all mean, but…
FBI Director: All right, let’s see them.
Agent #1: This patch is a popular one, sir. Most of the DFO members wear it.
FBI Director: But what are they saying here? What don’t they care about?
Agent #2: Anything, sir, and everything.
FBI Director: What about this one? It’s just a bunch of nonsense.
Agent#2: It means “Call Me Chick, I Dare You.” It’s worn by female members of the gang.
FBI Director: There are women in the DFO? What kind of woman would associate with these reprobates?
Agent #2: Evidently very intelligent, highly educated ones, sir. We had a man attempt to get close last year. He tried to gain entry by bragging about his…prowess, sir.
Agent #1 holds his hands nearly a foot apart
FBI Director: So? I would think that type of talk would impress these…people.
Agent #2: Not really, sir. One of the women commented that, statistically, judging by his height, weight and ethnic background, it was 92.4% likely that he was…below average.
Agent #1 holds his hands just a few inches apart
FBI Director: My…God…
Agent #2: Yes, sir. He took it so hard that he ate his gun.
FBI Director: You mean…?
Agent #2: Yes, sir. The chocolate guns you gave out at Christmas last year. He ate the whole thing in one sitting, then moved on to the Easter basket that you handed out in April. He’s…he’s gained thirty pounds, sir. And he never stops crying.
Agent #1, furious, hits the wall
FBI Director: Get a grip on yourself, man, we have a job to do! Now tell me more about these patches. What’s this one? It looks innocuous enough.
Agent #1: It stands for “Banned For Life,” sir. The DFO members were once part of another organization, the KSK.
FBI Director: The Ku Klux Klan? Why, this gets worse all of the time!
Agent #2: No, sir. The KSK…it was an organization dedicated to the ridicule of professional football. When it was corporatized and turned into a profitable part of the United States economy, these DFO types rebelled.
FBI Director (looking at the American flag): By God, I want these heathens. I want all of them, do you understand me?
Agent #1: Yes, sir, and that’s why we came to you. We have good news, sir. Great news. It took months, but…we have a man on the inside.
Cut to: The DFO Clubhouse. Members are lounging around and empty beer cans are strewn about. There’s a large box full of magazines in the corner marked “Martin.” A big-screen television is showing a football game between the Tennessee Titans and the Houston Texans.
OSZ: I refuse to believe these are real teams. Look, can’t we watch the San Diego/Cleveland game?
Covalent Blonde (her eye is twitching): What did I tell you about…Cleveland?
OSZ (looking down, mumbling): We don’t talk about Cleveland, ever.
Covalent Blonde: Don’t let it happen again. Hey, where’s our prospect?
OSZ: Out front, drinking his half-caf, half-decaf, extra creamy super-duper frappuccino with extra whip. Why?
Covalent Blonde (yelling): Hey, newbie! Get your double-wide in here!
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
PK enters, wiping whip cream off his lip, then licking it off his fingers…then licking it off the side of the cup…then…look, it’s just kind of disturbing, so let’s move on
PK: Hey, guys! Boy, it’s hot out there! I remember seeing a Cubs game back in 1989, and it was hot then, too! I can just picture Greg Maddux out there on the mound…
Covalent Blonde: Uh-huh. Look, meat, we need you to do something for us. Do it right, and you get this:
PK: Gosh, that’s great! What does it mean?
PK leans in close, taking out a notepad and pencil
To Be Continued…
[…] Hard Ride to Nowhere Chapter 1 […]
Is this FBI probe because of something that Horatio is doing in his locker?
(Is it wrong to say that I loved this and that it made me blush a little?)
I have the same feeling now that I had when I was a kid and my favorite show had a two part episode and I was watching part one but no one told me.
FUUUUUUUUCKKKK!!!
Can’t next week hurry up and get here already?!?!
Fucking nice job!
Beastmode is just killing it- two top-notch posts. I raise a beer in your general direction sir…
This is brilliant. I call dibs on writing the theme music when this gets picked up by HBO/Netflix/Skinamax.
BTW, I can’t promise who will or won’t make a cameo in future installments (because that would involve actual planning), but if you absolutely do not want to see your good DFO name besmirched in a future chapter, let me know. Until then I’m assuming that you’re all my imaginary friends to fold, spindle & mutilate.
OSZ, Covalent Blonde, it’s too late for you. Sorry about that.
Besmirching my name embiggens us all.
how “embiggened” are we talking about here exactly?
(holds his hands nearly a foot apart)
Keep going.
I’m waiting for the inevitable OSZ/NSZ paradox/sex scene.
I like the cut of this PK’s jib, very intrigued to continue following his daring pursuits
I’m assuming I will be the crazy freak with the underwear fetish.
Which is just fine.
BIKER THUG 4EVER
http://i.imgur.com/FuxTgWl.gifv
For some reason, I’m only seeing this now. I’ll turn in my colors, and you can all take turns hitting me with a pool cue whenever you want.
Where can I get those patches? Because I have a Levi’s jean vest from when I was 8 and I want to wear that fucking thing again. Even if I can only get one arm through it.
At the moment they exist only on my Mac.
/remembers that his Mac is old, uploads DFO folder to Dropbox
Um, I put the patch images on my silly tumblr (Properly credited to you/DFO). I hope that’s cool? If not they will be easy to take down.
http://tmv.proto.jp/#!/spankyblr-stuff
Some nudity on my tumblr so be warned.
Wait, there are pictures WITHOUT nudity on tumblr?
I’ve heard rumors to that effect. Just muffled whinings really … coming from Horatio’s locker, oddly enough.
Oh, sure, no problem.
Of course I had to peek at your tumblr and it’s…mesmerizing…can’t look away…so many Dolphins gifs…
Yeah, as soon as the original perpetual Dolphins logo gif appeared in the Rive Brogs I made gifs out of everything DrawPlayDave offered Dolphins wise. I’m not even a Phins fan (phan?) so sometimes I feel kinda dirty.
HOW ‘BOUT DEM COWBOYS!!!!11!!
Some of those images look somehow…… familiar….. brings back memories.
gotdamn that was some great fuckin hustle. We’re posting and commenting like the fuckin Commentist Party that we are, not some slapdick football blog.
Now let’s go eat a god damned snack.
Fucking excellent.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/ed5a977e8a968f1d35e10450d5e8255f/tumblr_myei7pqTfL1qim4a7o1_1280.png
I guess what I’m saying is this post is good enough to make a mannequin excited.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/da37bf458dbbbc50b83eca3b605a81a6/tumblr_mz4vw6KtUf1rn6i5go1_1280.jpg
Do I alone reflexively think of BoS every time I see undies now?
I’m honored to be a bit player in this drama you’ve created. Well fucking done. Now let’s ride.
/makes motorcycle sounds with his mouth
/slowly pedals his bicycle towards the open road
/has to stop up short when a SUV decides to charge into the Taco Bell parking lot
/falls over
In fact, I might even be able to make a DFO bike jersey using these at some point. That would be bad ass.
I would start riding my bike if I had one of those.
If you want to do anything like that, let me know & I’ll send you the image files without the denim background. It’s 300dpi, so it should print pretty well.
I might do that once you’ve continued on this. Right now I’m picturing a denim background with the patches, but that all can be figured out later. I want to make sure we do it right, but it’ll also depend on how much it’ll cost to throw big graphics onto a custom design.
That’s a good question…I know there are a lot of online outlets for that sort of thing. Seeing as how you’re in the Big City, you can probably find local places that do custom work pretty easily.
/looks out window, sees sheep grazing on lawn
//should be startled when mutant coyote eats sheep, but somehow isn’t
Also WOOT…I double-checked and the font is freeware.
http://media.giphy.com/media/jbN4MKgYIrqBW/giphy.gif
Put me down for one.
A bike jersey? I will totally sport a full on denim vest with these patches.
Can we make one in dog size too? My puppy would proudly sport one for the cause.
For those of us who were at KSK from the beginning can we commission a “KSK ORIGINAL” patch?
That’s brilliant! Yeah, I will definitely do that.
“Str8Rothstein”
I’ll take a “You’re right, but go fuck yourself” patch, if you are taking requests.
Oh, it’s a’ comin’….
Me too
Awesome.
They didn’t mention the initiation is to beat up a random Chiver.
Keep Calm and Punch On
You guys know I am going to betray you to the FBI right?
Atleast you are not working for the Irish… or are you?
Oh there’ll be blow back for THAT, believe you me!
/flares nostrils
//bro walks into locker.
I’ll make sure to tell the Feds that Rowles traffics child sex slaves, killed JFK, and is an ISIS agent.
Well you’ll probably only have to lie about one of those.
We also works for the Irish.
This was great. Looking forward to its continuation. I hope we all have shiny white sneakers that never get dirty and, oh yeah, what’s the locker situation in the DFO clubhouse? Asking for a friend.
Damn It! We just can’t get lockers all willy nilly we need proof.
/SLAMS FIST ON TABLE
Proof of what? Idk, I just know we need it.
Really hoping the “PK” is a double agent who is really working for the NFL’s pseudo law enforcement arm.
Well, PK is a double *sized* agent.
Or a double-chinned agent.
No ofence too our Asian freinds.
(Sheesh, trying to type like PFT Commenter is hard)
At least you didn’t go the Parcells route.
I vow to you vagabonds that when these agents bring ol’ EP in for questioning, all they will get is…
Hand me the fucking keys, you cocksucker.
In English, please?
This is great. The images are amazing.
It’s a Quinn/Martin production!
Ima let you finish, but a new challenger has appeared for best football name ever, Pig Howard:
http://sports.yahoo.com/ncaaf/players/215493/
Can he unseat the champ, Lucious Pusey?
http://espn.go.com/college-football/player/_/id/148900/lucious-pusey
Same here, man.
/hoists 3rd coffee
Sorry, was responding to Lothar.
For the record, I assume the FBI director is a JE Hoover type, and is wearing a lacy girdle under his blue suit.
I assume the FBI director is more a John Ashcroft type, covering up the groins of nude statues and being morally indignant if someone says “gosh darn.”
Guys, guys…why can’t he be both?
3 am posts are awesome. Then I have something to do when my son wakes up at 5 am and doesn’t want to go back to sleep.
This is a very fine diversion from calling up the girl working the late shift at the college radio station and telling her spooky stories.
Mine always end with, “The guy is inside the house, wearing your panties on his head!”
Wake up the kids just once while telling this story and your wife decides to lawyer up.
*edit*
We are going with I said this originally, still makes no sense
http://36.media.tumblr.com/593fe4482d3d372aa19aafcd54074ee3/tumblr_ntotgl4NVy1tbs59no1_540.png
Wait, want my damn edit buttons back. I will edit that nonsense
This is to hide my shame Beast Mode, you did great
http://p1.pichost.me/i/25/1477795.jpg
Nice hustle at 3 am.
I am changing my DFO gang colors to this though to these
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–w8E6Gk1V–/193wxp0ekwqcsgif.gif
/slaps you on the ass hard
*extra “though” brought to you by 3 am typing and trying to fix what was already ok or it was the “to these” either way I fucked up a perfectly good comment
It was supposed to be 3pm, but shhhh…don’t tell anyone. This way it looks like I’m competent and on top of things.
I look just as bad as I normally do. I am on board backing you up if you claim the 3 pm thing.
3 am is better. This way I have something awesome to read when past me signs me up for shit that requires waking up before 5 am. I’m much more optimistic about consciousness in general now!